Friends in unexpected Places

12/23/10 Thurs. 10:23 PM

Amazing.  I had a complete panic attack earlier....for no acceptable reason at all.  Big deal, people were in my house.  It definitely should not have bothered me in  the least bit....but it did.  And I did the only thing I could think to do, went outside and sat in my car .   Freakish huh?  I sat in my car, in front of my house, because anxiety kicked in so bad that I couldnt stay in my own house with my family and a few very close friends.
Unreal.  The smallest, most insignificant occurrence set me off in a rage.  I hate that.  I couldnt control my reaction even though I knew how completely dramatic and unnecessary it was.

I find my life to be quite amazing lately.  I have met so many individuals lately, with many differing opinions, yet they all seem to keep me grounded.  This afternoon, I panicked, and the strange thing is, A woman I met from a NOLA website brought me back down to reality by just asking me a simple question and giving me the slightest amount of advice.  This woman, whom has a completely different view on my situation as I do, has managed to help me keep my sanity.  Some of my points she agrees on, others she doesnt, and she isnt afraid to let me know when she thinks I may be wrong.  This woman, who I hadnt known before all of this has kept me alive.  She may not think of herself in this way, but her input and her honesty has kept me fighting.  Had she not come into my life, I may have just hid in a corner....but she somehow finds a way into my mind and finds a way to make me respond whether its in anger or complete agreement in what she has to say, she finds a way to keep me engaged in all of this. 

I honestly cannot thank this woman for the things she has done for me.  Especially because she wasnt afraid to tell me the points of my argument that she disagrees on ......and also the points that she thinks I actually have a leg to stand on.

I also found support in another woman I met through twitter. I have mentioned her before. She was the one that finally got through to me. The one that made me finally accept that my reaction, and me turning into a completely different woman ....was a completely natural reaction to being raped.  I am not alone with my panick attacks and uncontrollable emotions......As she so wisely said, being raped changes who you are.

There is a man in France I have also met over twitter.  He sends me messages of encouragement every few days.  Im not sure if he knows that those messages he sends keeps me grounded.   Hearing from him every few days helps keep me sane.  I know he reads this, and I just want to make sure he knows just how much his kindness has done for me.
Its amazing the support from random strangers that gets me through.  People that arent afraid to speak their mind whether they disagree with me or side with me.  Just the feedback is enough to make me feel like I am at least accomplishing something meaningful out of this entire ordeal.

And I cannot stress enough how proud I am of myself. (yes, I am aware how pompous this makes me sound)  I am by no means trying to make myself out to be this great person.  But when I see a google search that leads someone to my website that reflects that someone out there has a question about rape, I feel great.  I feel that finally, there is something out on the internet to help victims of rape that isnt tainted in anyway, whatsoever. 
What I have posted has been 100% real.  And in seeing the google searches that direct people to my page, I feel like what I have done so far has been worth it.  As I have said numerous times, I couldnt find anything on the internet regarding what rape victims go through......this blog now confirms I wasnt the only one looking for information.  And I hope to all there is that I am helping women and men that may find themselves in my same position....looking for answers.....I hope I am giving them some answers and some comfort in knowing that their reaction, no matter what it is, is completely normal and that someone is willing to listen to them and do their absolute best to help.

Goodnight to all, best wishes throughout your holidays.....I am sure with all of my family coming to my home the next few days I will no doubt have some sort of panic attack, so I can assure you, the truth, the real feelings, etc will come out.  Holidays tend to be the worst time for victims, so I do not intend to hide any of the feelings I go through over the next 2 weeks.