Monday 1/24/11 - 6:07 PM
Everything has been pretty quiet lately. I dont have too much to say....shocking I know.
Ive been pretty sick the past few weeks....kidney trouble again. Starting to feel better, hoping to stay that way....a 9 hour flight will not be fun with excruciating back pain.
Im pretty exhausted, and for some reason this time I am super emotional and crying a lot from the frustration with my kidneys. Whats stupid is I went through this last August....when it was probably 5 times worse and didnt shed a tear.....at least due to emotional reasons....pain reasons is a different story. I am just hypersensitive now and I find it to be pretty annoying.
I still think about my rape and the surrounding incidents every day.....definitely not as often as the immediate couple of months....but the thoughts are still there and the frustration is definitely still there. For the most part I am able to just ignore the thoughts when they surface.....but its pretty frustrating to think that this is going to be something I think about every day for the rest of my life.
I havent had a panic attack in quite some time...I dont even remember when my last one was....a little nervous about the flight from Minneapolis to Honolulu though...thats a long time to be trapped in a confined space with pretty much only your thoughts to keep you company....thats a lot of time to keep redirecting your thoughts to other things when nothing new is happening to turn your thoughts to.
Fits of anger are getting fewer and fewer.....I dont remember the last time I actually threw something in a complete rage over minuscule problems.
I actually closed my window a few nights ago. I dont wake up as much in the middle of the night anymore....and the fact that its been in the Negatives temperature wise didnt hurt im sure.
I did end up telling my boss. I had to. Unfortunately I am still an emotional wreck when it comes to forming any words without balling my eyes out (and even then the words are indecipherable) when I try to talk about it that I just wrote it in a letter. And in order to protect myself from the over abundance of emotion from listening to or reading any response to my letter, I told my boss that I would appreciate no response from her. Hearing her thoughts on the matter would just stir up feelings I've tried incredibly hard to bury. She respected that and just informed me she had read what I had to say. Its a little bit of relief that I dont have to come up with excuses to her anymore.
I havent heard back on the report I filed against the detective. I have no idea how long something like that takes to hear back from so Im just going to wait. I filed it online, on the chance it didnt go through I am mailing a copy as well. If it gets handled like everything else did, Im not expecting a response until the end of the year.
Back to work....Thursday cannot come soon enough :) hope everyone is doing well
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Consider Report Filed
Wed. 1/19/11 11:49 PM
Well, when you cant sleep, you might as well be productive. I have had a lot going on lately. Most recently my boss and I had it out because she thinks I am too territorial over my work. When in the real world is being territorial and proud of your work a bad thing??? I just dont get it. I am doing well, taking charge of more things, but its still not good enough. It was this argument with her today that made me decide I need to tell her I was raped. I need to explain all of the times I have snapped at the smallest things, and why my entire workspace and work production is uncharacteristically in order. I have to explain why I work every weekend and dont come into work until 10 in the morning. I have to explain to her that after being raped, I need to have something to latch onto. I need something to keep me going and focused on something else. I need something that I can be in total control of. I need to be able to implement things and make people compliant. And with this new I can do anything attitude and not taking any bullshit attitude, I am in complete control.....except for the times when my emotion seems to sneak up on me for no reason and makes me snap or puts me to the verge of tears.
I miss my old life. I never had to worry about some stupid emotion pushing its way to the forefront.
But what it comes down to is that my boss saw a complete change in me when I came back from that trip in September, and if I didnt give her a legitimate answer for the change we would probably grow to hate eachother. I trust her enough to respect my privacy and not tell others..... maybe I wont feel as much pressure on me once she knows. Tomorrow I will tell her, and tomorrow I will move on.
As for the report. I filed with the Police Integrity Board against that detective Calhoun (or however you spell it) I had to laugh because the form asks you to identify witnesses.......my only witness was the initial responding officer......he seemed like a decent man, and I feel bad putting him in a situation where he would have to say that the Detective was in the wrong......but the way I was treated by that man was unacceptable and needs to be dealt with. I really hope the responding officer tells the truth .....if he is ever asked......i have come to realize that not many public figures, agencies, etc in New Orleans are willing to put forth much effort.
One task down, next task.....next week......1 cross country flight, a week on the beach and another cross country flight to really consider if I want to file a civil suit, and when I want to do it.
I put in for a job out in Phoenix......should be interesting if I get it
Off to force myself to try to sleep.......I hope you are all doing well
Well, when you cant sleep, you might as well be productive. I have had a lot going on lately. Most recently my boss and I had it out because she thinks I am too territorial over my work. When in the real world is being territorial and proud of your work a bad thing??? I just dont get it. I am doing well, taking charge of more things, but its still not good enough. It was this argument with her today that made me decide I need to tell her I was raped. I need to explain all of the times I have snapped at the smallest things, and why my entire workspace and work production is uncharacteristically in order. I have to explain why I work every weekend and dont come into work until 10 in the morning. I have to explain to her that after being raped, I need to have something to latch onto. I need something to keep me going and focused on something else. I need something that I can be in total control of. I need to be able to implement things and make people compliant. And with this new I can do anything attitude and not taking any bullshit attitude, I am in complete control.....except for the times when my emotion seems to sneak up on me for no reason and makes me snap or puts me to the verge of tears.
I miss my old life. I never had to worry about some stupid emotion pushing its way to the forefront.
But what it comes down to is that my boss saw a complete change in me when I came back from that trip in September, and if I didnt give her a legitimate answer for the change we would probably grow to hate eachother. I trust her enough to respect my privacy and not tell others..... maybe I wont feel as much pressure on me once she knows. Tomorrow I will tell her, and tomorrow I will move on.
As for the report. I filed with the Police Integrity Board against that detective Calhoun (or however you spell it) I had to laugh because the form asks you to identify witnesses.......my only witness was the initial responding officer......he seemed like a decent man, and I feel bad putting him in a situation where he would have to say that the Detective was in the wrong......but the way I was treated by that man was unacceptable and needs to be dealt with. I really hope the responding officer tells the truth .....if he is ever asked......i have come to realize that not many public figures, agencies, etc in New Orleans are willing to put forth much effort.
One task down, next task.....next week......1 cross country flight, a week on the beach and another cross country flight to really consider if I want to file a civil suit, and when I want to do it.
I put in for a job out in Phoenix......should be interesting if I get it
Off to force myself to try to sleep.......I hope you are all doing well
Friday, January 14, 2011
One Giant Leap
Friday 1/14/11 2:33 PM
Last weekend a few friends did something that absolutely mortified me, and while I will actually never know the real truth.....they are no longer my friends.
A few of these people I have been friends with going on 10 years, a few of the others were just acquaintances.
While I cannot completely fault them for their actions, I can hold them responsible. Their actions brought my completely back to my rape. I felt incredibly violated.
I do have to say that I never went into panic mode, never freaked out and started balling my eyes out....I calmly accepted that they did what they did and decided to cut them out of my life.
And to top it off, these people are also friends with my best friend.....whom promptly decided to call me. And dont get me wrong, im sure there was genuine concern.....but I know her....she was calling to be nosey and find out details. I have since cut her out of my life as well....for now.....eventually I can forgive her.
While what was done would be an emotional violation to anyone, having been raped magnified it that much more. As I said, I cant completely fault them, they didnt know I was raped......I can however make a decision to not associate with people that could do what they did to anyone, not just to me.
No. I wont tell you what was done, I dont want people reading this and getting ideas to do it to someone else.
I thought I had gotten over my feelings of total violation and anger......then a "friend" text and started harassing me, making jokes about it.
Heres the Giant Leap:
I told him would he find it as hilarious if he knew I had been raped months prior.
I wish I could have seen the look on his face, his texting quickly changed.
Now its out. This person knows everyone and I live in a pretty small town. The locals will know I have been raped.
The thing is, I really dont care. I feel a little more relief too. Now maybe people will think twice before they do something hurtful to someone else.
I dont have many friends, I think that people are inherently bad and that you should hold on tight to the ones that prove the opposite. Now I have even less and couldnt care less. I dont need people in my life that do things to hurt others....I cant believe it took me almost 10 years to realize that with a few of them.
So. Long story short. Something was done that emotionally violated me, that was magnified times 10 because of my rape. I kicked the sketchy people out of my life. I have admitted to local people that I have been raped. My story is no longer just on the internet, my story is now in my town.....and I am more than ok with that.
I still feel stronger than ever, I am more organized and in control of my life,......I am happy.
Last weekend a few friends did something that absolutely mortified me, and while I will actually never know the real truth.....they are no longer my friends.
A few of these people I have been friends with going on 10 years, a few of the others were just acquaintances.
While I cannot completely fault them for their actions, I can hold them responsible. Their actions brought my completely back to my rape. I felt incredibly violated.
I do have to say that I never went into panic mode, never freaked out and started balling my eyes out....I calmly accepted that they did what they did and decided to cut them out of my life.
And to top it off, these people are also friends with my best friend.....whom promptly decided to call me. And dont get me wrong, im sure there was genuine concern.....but I know her....she was calling to be nosey and find out details. I have since cut her out of my life as well....for now.....eventually I can forgive her.
While what was done would be an emotional violation to anyone, having been raped magnified it that much more. As I said, I cant completely fault them, they didnt know I was raped......I can however make a decision to not associate with people that could do what they did to anyone, not just to me.
No. I wont tell you what was done, I dont want people reading this and getting ideas to do it to someone else.
I thought I had gotten over my feelings of total violation and anger......then a "friend" text and started harassing me, making jokes about it.
Heres the Giant Leap:
I told him would he find it as hilarious if he knew I had been raped months prior.
I wish I could have seen the look on his face, his texting quickly changed.
Now its out. This person knows everyone and I live in a pretty small town. The locals will know I have been raped.
The thing is, I really dont care. I feel a little more relief too. Now maybe people will think twice before they do something hurtful to someone else.
I dont have many friends, I think that people are inherently bad and that you should hold on tight to the ones that prove the opposite. Now I have even less and couldnt care less. I dont need people in my life that do things to hurt others....I cant believe it took me almost 10 years to realize that with a few of them.
So. Long story short. Something was done that emotionally violated me, that was magnified times 10 because of my rape. I kicked the sketchy people out of my life. I have admitted to local people that I have been raped. My story is no longer just on the internet, my story is now in my town.....and I am more than ok with that.
I still feel stronger than ever, I am more organized and in control of my life,......I am happy.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Focus
Tuesday 1/11/11 9:05 PM
Ive been MIA for a bit. Im not sure what I have to say, so I am just going to start writing and see where it goes.
I am getting back to my emotionless self a little bit more and more. I havent had to take an ativan since new years. I feel in control. I have made a bunch of changes at work.....which unfortunately makes more for me to do at work, meaning work has now become my life.
I get up in the morning, Im into work by 10 and leave for the gym around 8 or 9 PM. I do nothing else. This is my life, as a take off from the Jersey Shore kids my life is WGS- work,gym,sleep.
Things that happened from September through December have happened again.....situations that would send me spiraling .......This time while I may get that flutter of anxiety, I am able to move past it and figure a way through whatever it is that comes up.
I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of work I have taken upon myself.....but I am far from panicking.....and when I feel like I am going to, I am able to just sit back, take a few deep breathes and get back into it.
Im finally starting to take the weight I put on, off. I think its a combination of things. With having more to do at work, there is no time to eat.....so I am eating a lot less. Im also making myself go to the gym a minimum of 5 days a week.
Im finding I care more about what I look like than I did before I was raped. I am wearing makeup more, I go out in public in regular pants and not sweats like I used to because I am now afraid they see me as the fat woman in sweats rather that the weird woman thats always out in sweats. I am almost obsessed with getting back down to my base level weight. I find myself caring if people think I am fat, whereas before it wouldnt have bothered me at all. I guess some of it is stemming from me not wanting to be the fat kid in the group on my vacations.
I still get angry very quickly, which didnt happen all that often before my rape....but at least now, that anger doesnt turn into tears and me curling up into a ball.
I am very disappointed in the Saints loss on Saturday.....but the one bonus for me is that I will get to see some of them play in the probowl.
Im sleeping a little better at night, but I still sometimes wake up in a sweat. And yes, my bedroom window is still wide open......even as its heavily snowing with an expected accumulation of 12 inches. If you havent done this before , you need to. Get in your car, find some snowy roads and turn onto streets without hitting your brakes......No joke, feeling your tires slip out from under you is a feeling everyone should get to experience......just make you do it when no cars are around....most times its pretty hard to control.
And my final thought that popped into my head. In looking at what web searches lead people to my sight....."kevin lange and rape" or "kevin Lange and New Orleans" seem to pop up everyday.
Either a lot of people that know him are interested in this, or he has some sort of comlex where he needs to read about himself daily.
Goodnite world......will post again soon :)
Ive been MIA for a bit. Im not sure what I have to say, so I am just going to start writing and see where it goes.
I am getting back to my emotionless self a little bit more and more. I havent had to take an ativan since new years. I feel in control. I have made a bunch of changes at work.....which unfortunately makes more for me to do at work, meaning work has now become my life.
I get up in the morning, Im into work by 10 and leave for the gym around 8 or 9 PM. I do nothing else. This is my life, as a take off from the Jersey Shore kids my life is WGS- work,gym,sleep.
Things that happened from September through December have happened again.....situations that would send me spiraling .......This time while I may get that flutter of anxiety, I am able to move past it and figure a way through whatever it is that comes up.
I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of work I have taken upon myself.....but I am far from panicking.....and when I feel like I am going to, I am able to just sit back, take a few deep breathes and get back into it.
Im finally starting to take the weight I put on, off. I think its a combination of things. With having more to do at work, there is no time to eat.....so I am eating a lot less. Im also making myself go to the gym a minimum of 5 days a week.
Im finding I care more about what I look like than I did before I was raped. I am wearing makeup more, I go out in public in regular pants and not sweats like I used to because I am now afraid they see me as the fat woman in sweats rather that the weird woman thats always out in sweats. I am almost obsessed with getting back down to my base level weight. I find myself caring if people think I am fat, whereas before it wouldnt have bothered me at all. I guess some of it is stemming from me not wanting to be the fat kid in the group on my vacations.
I still get angry very quickly, which didnt happen all that often before my rape....but at least now, that anger doesnt turn into tears and me curling up into a ball.
I am very disappointed in the Saints loss on Saturday.....but the one bonus for me is that I will get to see some of them play in the probowl.
Im sleeping a little better at night, but I still sometimes wake up in a sweat. And yes, my bedroom window is still wide open......even as its heavily snowing with an expected accumulation of 12 inches. If you havent done this before , you need to. Get in your car, find some snowy roads and turn onto streets without hitting your brakes......No joke, feeling your tires slip out from under you is a feeling everyone should get to experience......just make you do it when no cars are around....most times its pretty hard to control.
And my final thought that popped into my head. In looking at what web searches lead people to my sight....."kevin lange and rape" or "kevin Lange and New Orleans" seem to pop up everyday.
Either a lot of people that know him are interested in this, or he has some sort of comlex where he needs to read about himself daily.
Goodnite world......will post again soon :)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Thurs 1/6/11
12:08 PM
Life couldn't be better. I feel like myself again.....just a lot more confident. Not sure how that happened but hey, I will gladly take it.
I have been so annoyed with the DA and the NOPD and my rapist over the past few months, it seems to manifested in me taking no bullshit and taking a stand with the people I encounter in every day life.
My boss even made a comment to me today that I seem completely different (in a good way) and more in control of the things I have been implementing. ...thats exactly how I feel.
I am taking control back and doing better than I could have imagined even just a month ago.
I have very minimal memory of the physical events of the morning I was raped. I dont see his stupid face, I dont see his stupid hair....nothing. For some reason the only image that is in my head is the exact layout (floorplan) of that house.....not sure why, probably because when I was frantically trying to recall everything I could to the police I remember being able to describe every inch of the place.
I dont "flash" back to that day anymore. I barely think about any of it.....thoughts creep up here and there, but I am able to just focus on something else and move on.
Like I said before, I have become an organizing freak. I have lists for everything! I am not a list maker! I go with whatever happens when it happens......but for some reason, I feel the need to make lists at work, organize everything..... I am noticing that when those thoughts that creep up having anything to do with my rape, is when I turn to organizing...... stupid, but hey, my office is clean.
I am considering just completely letting all of this go. All it is, is a dumb reminder of the incompetence of people. I seem to be getting better now that I am not pushing so hard.
I am still filing against that detective.....what he did was wrong and needs correction if he is still going to stay on the force.
As for going around the ADA, its just drawing things out, and Im not sure I want to deal with a second more of her incompetence and attitude problem.
Civil suit is back and forth in my head. I have a lot more time to decide...but Im not going to stress over it....I do have to say though,
I have a 18 hour trip to Hawaii, and an 18 hour trip back home, on a plane (of course lol) with nothing but time on my hands. I am pretty sure I will put that time to use and put some things together.....I just hope it doesnt set me off on a panic attack.......which I find unlikely seeing how its got to be very difficult to panic when you are going to get to relax and lay on the beach for 7 days straight.
I have to admit, sometimes, its just better to cut your losses. Before, I couldnt understand why any rape victim would not pursue to the fullest.....but now, I get it. My reasoning may be slightly different. My reasoning is more based on the fact that I feel I have been and will continue get no where with the Orleans Parish DA's office or the NOPD......pretty pathetic reason for giving up on pursuing your rapist huh?
Off to 3 hour treatment that should knock me out for the rest of the day.
Hope all is well :)
Life couldn't be better. I feel like myself again.....just a lot more confident. Not sure how that happened but hey, I will gladly take it.
I have been so annoyed with the DA and the NOPD and my rapist over the past few months, it seems to manifested in me taking no bullshit and taking a stand with the people I encounter in every day life.
My boss even made a comment to me today that I seem completely different (in a good way) and more in control of the things I have been implementing. ...thats exactly how I feel.
I am taking control back and doing better than I could have imagined even just a month ago.
I have very minimal memory of the physical events of the morning I was raped. I dont see his stupid face, I dont see his stupid hair....nothing. For some reason the only image that is in my head is the exact layout (floorplan) of that house.....not sure why, probably because when I was frantically trying to recall everything I could to the police I remember being able to describe every inch of the place.
I dont "flash" back to that day anymore. I barely think about any of it.....thoughts creep up here and there, but I am able to just focus on something else and move on.
Like I said before, I have become an organizing freak. I have lists for everything! I am not a list maker! I go with whatever happens when it happens......but for some reason, I feel the need to make lists at work, organize everything..... I am noticing that when those thoughts that creep up having anything to do with my rape, is when I turn to organizing...... stupid, but hey, my office is clean.
I am considering just completely letting all of this go. All it is, is a dumb reminder of the incompetence of people. I seem to be getting better now that I am not pushing so hard.
I am still filing against that detective.....what he did was wrong and needs correction if he is still going to stay on the force.
As for going around the ADA, its just drawing things out, and Im not sure I want to deal with a second more of her incompetence and attitude problem.
Civil suit is back and forth in my head. I have a lot more time to decide...but Im not going to stress over it....I do have to say though,
I have a 18 hour trip to Hawaii, and an 18 hour trip back home, on a plane (of course lol) with nothing but time on my hands. I am pretty sure I will put that time to use and put some things together.....I just hope it doesnt set me off on a panic attack.......which I find unlikely seeing how its got to be very difficult to panic when you are going to get to relax and lay on the beach for 7 days straight.
I have to admit, sometimes, its just better to cut your losses. Before, I couldnt understand why any rape victim would not pursue to the fullest.....but now, I get it. My reasoning may be slightly different. My reasoning is more based on the fact that I feel I have been and will continue get no where with the Orleans Parish DA's office or the NOPD......pretty pathetic reason for giving up on pursuing your rapist huh?
Off to 3 hour treatment that should knock me out for the rest of the day.
Hope all is well :)
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Wed. 1/5/11
So its Wednesday morning. I am still doing really well. I decided it definitely is time to get back into shape with my vacations coming up and all, so i have been consistently going to the gym.
I have to admit, all of those people that say going to the gym and getting exercise really does help your mood. I feel like Im getting back to my old self.....mentally and physically. Id like to get back down to the 143 I was at for years...im pretty sure I can do it as long as I dont get sick and lose my motivation.
I have my IV infusion tomorrow afternoon so I should be ok.
Cris had asked me on twitter how I can afford all of my vacations. The answer is pretty simple. I used to travel a lot as a kid, so I have tons of flyer miles. I also dont save money. I never planned on having a family and having to put away to support anyone but myself. My philosophy on life is do what makes you happy. For me its traveling, and I like to live in the now and worry about the future when it gets here. I also find fantastic travel deals....I usually find flight and hotel together for about 450 for 4 nights...usually the MGM in Vegas or the sheraton or hampton in New Orleans.
Anyone looking for a vaca, let me know and i can try to hook you up.
Anyway, year end stuff to do. Be back later with a few thoughts.
Hope everyone is having a great start to the new year.
I have to admit, all of those people that say going to the gym and getting exercise really does help your mood. I feel like Im getting back to my old self.....mentally and physically. Id like to get back down to the 143 I was at for years...im pretty sure I can do it as long as I dont get sick and lose my motivation.
I have my IV infusion tomorrow afternoon so I should be ok.
Cris had asked me on twitter how I can afford all of my vacations. The answer is pretty simple. I used to travel a lot as a kid, so I have tons of flyer miles. I also dont save money. I never planned on having a family and having to put away to support anyone but myself. My philosophy on life is do what makes you happy. For me its traveling, and I like to live in the now and worry about the future when it gets here. I also find fantastic travel deals....I usually find flight and hotel together for about 450 for 4 nights...usually the MGM in Vegas or the sheraton or hampton in New Orleans.
Anyone looking for a vaca, let me know and i can try to hook you up.
Anyway, year end stuff to do. Be back later with a few thoughts.
Hope everyone is having a great start to the new year.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Again 1/2/11
1/2/11 - Sunday- 5:55 PM
I had taken a few days from writing. Why? Because I have been feeling really great, and honestly writing makes things worse sometimes. When I am feeling good, I am not thinking about being raped, I am getting on with my life, which means I dont think to write things about my life. When I am feeling bad, thats when I write, I write as a release, I write so I dont have to go to a counselor where any time I try to speak a word about what I happened to me, my eyes swell up with tears and I cant speak a sentence without hyperventilating. Thats what I have notice.....any time I try to open up to anyone, I cry and cannot speak clearly......why would I pay to have someone listen to my incoherent ramblings when I can post them on the internet and let other victims like me know that they are not alone. They can do what I have been doing and not feel judged in the slightest bit.
But in my time off....I have been completely shocked. I took a look back on my tracker to the days where I was being happy. To the days when I didnt feel I needed to post because I was doing well.
The google searches that lead to my website were appalling. Searches about a woman's rapist friending her on facebook, another wondering if she was really raped, another about who stood up for the victim. If searches like this, are hitting an insignificant profile like mine........it just makes me sick. There should be something more for victims looking on how to deal with what happened to them.
I am going to find a way. That is my new goal. To find a way to make information more available to victims......information that they need to start their recovery process...not information that a stupid website tells them will help them recover, but real information so they know they are not alone. Real information , from real victims that arent afraid to speak about what has happened.
My New Years Resolution is to do something. Do something significant for victims of rape.
Hold me to it.
I had taken a few days from writing. Why? Because I have been feeling really great, and honestly writing makes things worse sometimes. When I am feeling good, I am not thinking about being raped, I am getting on with my life, which means I dont think to write things about my life. When I am feeling bad, thats when I write, I write as a release, I write so I dont have to go to a counselor where any time I try to speak a word about what I happened to me, my eyes swell up with tears and I cant speak a sentence without hyperventilating. Thats what I have notice.....any time I try to open up to anyone, I cry and cannot speak clearly......why would I pay to have someone listen to my incoherent ramblings when I can post them on the internet and let other victims like me know that they are not alone. They can do what I have been doing and not feel judged in the slightest bit.
But in my time off....I have been completely shocked. I took a look back on my tracker to the days where I was being happy. To the days when I didnt feel I needed to post because I was doing well.
The google searches that lead to my website were appalling. Searches about a woman's rapist friending her on facebook, another wondering if she was really raped, another about who stood up for the victim. If searches like this, are hitting an insignificant profile like mine........it just makes me sick. There should be something more for victims looking on how to deal with what happened to them.
I am going to find a way. That is my new goal. To find a way to make information more available to victims......information that they need to start their recovery process...not information that a stupid website tells them will help them recover, but real information so they know they are not alone. Real information , from real victims that arent afraid to speak about what has happened.
My New Years Resolution is to do something. Do something significant for victims of rape.
Hold me to it.
First post of the New Year
1/2/10 Sunday 5:06 PM
So New Years didnt go as smoothly as I had hoped. I had badass movie night all by myself set up. But in my life, always except the unexpected....or at least always expect me to change my mind.
My best friend came over, we had a few drinks and some pizza, then she left for a party and I popped in the Boondock Saints as it is one of my favorite badass, yet humorous movies. Another friend asked me to stop by his party, so the wheels started turning. I decided I would pick up my best friend from her party and make it to my other friends party by midnight- by the way, my best friend was at my boss's house.
Well, with about a quarter of the Boondock Saints left, I went to pick up my best friend with hopes of making my friends party by mid-might.....you may be able to see where this is going already.....
Let me pre-face this by saying I really dont like walking into places I havent been to before by myself. ...So I get to my boss's house, and I walk in the front door.....i dont see a single person I know.....and the panic just sets in like something you wouldn't believe. I find my friend, and convince her we need to leave before I freak out......and then we cant find her purse......and then she needs to go outside and smoke with my boss...............needless to say I am in full blown panic mode as I have been in this house, with a bunch of people I dont know for over a half hour. My friend finally finishes smoking with the boss and we head inside off the deck to leave. More people had shown up and my friend is just chit chatting away........I had a full blown panic attack and found the quickest way to the front door and headed to the car telling her to stay, I couldnt. She got to my car before I could leave.
We left, my hands were shaking, I was holding back tears. I told her she could either go back to the party or I would drop her off at the other party we were supposed to be at by midnight because I was going home. She could tell I was upset and I know she couldnt understand the magnitude of what was happening to me. She said just do what you need to do......I drove straight home. About half way home I couldnt stop the tears and shaking. I am not an emotional person and my best friend knows this.......but on that drive back home I just had an all out panic attack and couldnt stop crying. We made it home before midnight....I really didnt care, I just wanted to go to bed.
I had been doing so well lately.....and I still am. I had a momentary lapse, but I took time, I calmed myself down, and I got through it. I took Saturday to just lay in bed and watch movies. ....I took today to clean the house (i actually didnt work on a weekend ) and watch the Saints as they lost.....which really didnt matter because the atlanta/carolina game was a blowout and the Saints had no chance at first place in the division.
I am still feeling great. I have a trip to the Probowl to look forward to at the end of January, and I booked a trip to Vegas with my best friend for her 30th birthday the first few days of April. I have things to look forward to.
I hope everyone is having a great start to their New Year. I wish you all the best, and again thank everyone for taking the time to read this.
So New Years didnt go as smoothly as I had hoped. I had badass movie night all by myself set up. But in my life, always except the unexpected....or at least always expect me to change my mind.
My best friend came over, we had a few drinks and some pizza, then she left for a party and I popped in the Boondock Saints as it is one of my favorite badass, yet humorous movies. Another friend asked me to stop by his party, so the wheels started turning. I decided I would pick up my best friend from her party and make it to my other friends party by midnight- by the way, my best friend was at my boss's house.
Well, with about a quarter of the Boondock Saints left, I went to pick up my best friend with hopes of making my friends party by mid-might.....you may be able to see where this is going already.....
Let me pre-face this by saying I really dont like walking into places I havent been to before by myself. ...So I get to my boss's house, and I walk in the front door.....i dont see a single person I know.....and the panic just sets in like something you wouldn't believe. I find my friend, and convince her we need to leave before I freak out......and then we cant find her purse......and then she needs to go outside and smoke with my boss...............needless to say I am in full blown panic mode as I have been in this house, with a bunch of people I dont know for over a half hour. My friend finally finishes smoking with the boss and we head inside off the deck to leave. More people had shown up and my friend is just chit chatting away........I had a full blown panic attack and found the quickest way to the front door and headed to the car telling her to stay, I couldnt. She got to my car before I could leave.
We left, my hands were shaking, I was holding back tears. I told her she could either go back to the party or I would drop her off at the other party we were supposed to be at by midnight because I was going home. She could tell I was upset and I know she couldnt understand the magnitude of what was happening to me. She said just do what you need to do......I drove straight home. About half way home I couldnt stop the tears and shaking. I am not an emotional person and my best friend knows this.......but on that drive back home I just had an all out panic attack and couldnt stop crying. We made it home before midnight....I really didnt care, I just wanted to go to bed.
I had been doing so well lately.....and I still am. I had a momentary lapse, but I took time, I calmed myself down, and I got through it. I took Saturday to just lay in bed and watch movies. ....I took today to clean the house (i actually didnt work on a weekend ) and watch the Saints as they lost.....which really didnt matter because the atlanta/carolina game was a blowout and the Saints had no chance at first place in the division.
I am still feeling great. I have a trip to the Probowl to look forward to at the end of January, and I booked a trip to Vegas with my best friend for her 30th birthday the first few days of April. I have things to look forward to.
I hope everyone is having a great start to their New Year. I wish you all the best, and again thank everyone for taking the time to read this.
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