Hoping for the Best

Monday 1/24/11 - 6:07 PM

Everything has been pretty quiet lately.  I dont have too much to say....shocking I know.
Ive been pretty sick the past few weeks....kidney trouble again. Starting to feel better, hoping to stay that way....a 9 hour flight will not be fun with excruciating back pain.
Im pretty exhausted, and for some reason this time I am super emotional and crying a lot from the frustration with my kidneys.  Whats stupid is I went through this last August....when it was probably 5 times worse and didnt shed a tear.....at least due to emotional reasons....pain reasons is a different story.   I am just hypersensitive now and I find it to be pretty annoying.

I still think about my rape and the surrounding incidents every day.....definitely not as often as the immediate couple of months....but the thoughts are still there and the frustration is definitely still there.  For the most part I am able to just ignore the thoughts when they surface.....but its pretty frustrating to think that this is going to be something I think about every day for the rest of my life. 
I havent had a panic attack in quite some time...I dont even remember when my last one was....a little nervous about the flight from Minneapolis to Honolulu though...thats a long time to be trapped in a confined space with pretty much only your thoughts to keep you company....thats a lot of time to keep redirecting your thoughts to other things when nothing new is happening to turn your thoughts to.
Fits of anger are getting fewer and fewer.....I dont remember the last time I actually threw something in a complete rage over minuscule problems.

I actually closed my window a few nights ago.  I dont wake up as much in the middle of the night anymore....and the fact that its been in the Negatives temperature wise didnt hurt im sure.

I did end up telling my boss.  I had to.  Unfortunately I am still an emotional wreck when it comes to forming any words without balling my eyes out (and even then the words are indecipherable) when I try to talk about it that I just wrote it in a letter.  And in order to protect myself from the over abundance of emotion from listening to or reading any response to my letter, I told my boss that I would appreciate no response from her.  Hearing her thoughts on the matter would just stir up feelings I've tried incredibly hard to bury.  She respected that and just informed me she had read what I had to say.  Its a little bit of relief that I dont have to come up with excuses to her anymore.

I havent heard back on the report I filed against the detective.  I have no idea how long something like that takes to hear back from so Im just going to wait.  I filed it online, on the chance it didnt go through I am mailing a copy as well.  If it gets handled like everything else did, Im not expecting a response until the end of the year.

Back to work....Thursday cannot come soon enough :) hope everyone is doing well