Again 1/2/11

1/2/11 - Sunday-  5:55 PM

I had taken a few days from writing.  Why? Because I have been feeling really great, and honestly writing makes things worse sometimes.  When I am feeling good, I am not thinking about being raped, I am getting on with my life, which means I dont think to write things about my life.  When I am feeling bad, thats when I write, I write as a release, I write so I dont have to go to a counselor where any time I try to speak a word about what I happened to me, my eyes swell up with tears and I cant speak a sentence without hyperventilating.  Thats what I have notice.....any time I try to open up to anyone, I cry and cannot speak clearly......why would I pay to have someone listen to my incoherent ramblings when I can post them on the internet and let other victims like me know that they are not alone. They can do what I have been doing and not feel judged in the slightest bit. 

But in my time off....I have been  completely shocked.   I took a look back on my tracker to the days where I was being happy. To the days when I didnt feel I needed to post because I was doing well.

The google searches that lead to my website were appalling. Searches about a woman's rapist friending her on facebook, another wondering if she was really raped, another about who stood up for the victim.   If searches like this, are hitting an insignificant profile like mine........it just makes me sick. There should be something more for victims looking on how to deal with what happened to them.

I am going to find a way.  That is my new goal.  To find a way to make information more available to victims......information that they need to start their recovery process...not information that a stupid website tells them will help them recover, but real information so they know they are not alone. Real information , from real victims that arent afraid to speak about what has happened.
My New Years Resolution is to do something. Do something significant for victims of rape.

Hold me to it.