Wed. 1/19/11 11:49 PM
Well, when you cant sleep, you might as well be productive. I have had a lot going on lately. Most recently my boss and I had it out because she thinks I am too territorial over my work. When in the real world is being territorial and proud of your work a bad thing??? I just dont get it. I am doing well, taking charge of more things, but its still not good enough. It was this argument with her today that made me decide I need to tell her I was raped. I need to explain all of the times I have snapped at the smallest things, and why my entire workspace and work production is uncharacteristically in order. I have to explain why I work every weekend and dont come into work until 10 in the morning. I have to explain to her that after being raped, I need to have something to latch onto. I need something to keep me going and focused on something else. I need something that I can be in total control of. I need to be able to implement things and make people compliant. And with this new I can do anything attitude and not taking any bullshit attitude, I am in complete control.....except for the times when my emotion seems to sneak up on me for no reason and makes me snap or puts me to the verge of tears.
I miss my old life. I never had to worry about some stupid emotion pushing its way to the forefront.
But what it comes down to is that my boss saw a complete change in me when I came back from that trip in September, and if I didnt give her a legitimate answer for the change we would probably grow to hate eachother. I trust her enough to respect my privacy and not tell others..... maybe I wont feel as much pressure on me once she knows. Tomorrow I will tell her, and tomorrow I will move on.
As for the report. I filed with the Police Integrity Board against that detective Calhoun (or however you spell it) I had to laugh because the form asks you to identify witnesses.......my only witness was the initial responding officer......he seemed like a decent man, and I feel bad putting him in a situation where he would have to say that the Detective was in the wrong......but the way I was treated by that man was unacceptable and needs to be dealt with. I really hope the responding officer tells the truth .....if he is ever asked......i have come to realize that not many public figures, agencies, etc in New Orleans are willing to put forth much effort.
One task down, next task.....next week......1 cross country flight, a week on the beach and another cross country flight to really consider if I want to file a civil suit, and when I want to do it.
I put in for a job out in Phoenix......should be interesting if I get it
Off to force myself to try to sleep.......I hope you are all doing well
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