12:08 PM
Life couldn't be better. I feel like myself again.....just a lot more confident. Not sure how that happened but hey, I will gladly take it.
I have been so annoyed with the DA and the NOPD and my rapist over the past few months, it seems to manifested in me taking no bullshit and taking a stand with the people I encounter in every day life.
My boss even made a comment to me today that I seem completely different (in a good way) and more in control of the things I have been implementing. ...thats exactly how I feel.
I am taking control back and doing better than I could have imagined even just a month ago.
I have very minimal memory of the physical events of the morning I was raped. I dont see his stupid face, I dont see his stupid hair....nothing. For some reason the only image that is in my head is the exact layout (floorplan) of that house.....not sure why, probably because when I was frantically trying to recall everything I could to the police I remember being able to describe every inch of the place.
I dont "flash" back to that day anymore. I barely think about any of it.....thoughts creep up here and there, but I am able to just focus on something else and move on.
Like I said before, I have become an organizing freak. I have lists for everything! I am not a list maker! I go with whatever happens when it happens......but for some reason, I feel the need to make lists at work, organize everything..... I am noticing that when those thoughts that creep up having anything to do with my rape, is when I turn to organizing...... stupid, but hey, my office is clean.
I am considering just completely letting all of this go. All it is, is a dumb reminder of the incompetence of people. I seem to be getting better now that I am not pushing so hard.
I am still filing against that detective.....what he did was wrong and needs correction if he is still going to stay on the force.
As for going around the ADA, its just drawing things out, and Im not sure I want to deal with a second more of her incompetence and attitude problem.
Civil suit is back and forth in my head. I have a lot more time to decide...but Im not going to stress over it....I do have to say though,
I have a 18 hour trip to Hawaii, and an 18 hour trip back home, on a plane (of course lol) with nothing but time on my hands. I am pretty sure I will put that time to use and put some things together.....I just hope it doesnt set me off on a panic attack.......which I find unlikely seeing how its got to be very difficult to panic when you are going to get to relax and lay on the beach for 7 days straight.
I have to admit, sometimes, its just better to cut your losses. Before, I couldnt understand why any rape victim would not pursue to the fullest.....but now, I get it. My reasoning may be slightly different. My reasoning is more based on the fact that I feel I have been and will continue get no where with the Orleans Parish DA's office or the NOPD......pretty pathetic reason for giving up on pursuing your rapist huh?
Off to 3 hour treatment that should knock me out for the rest of the day.
Hope all is well :)
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