Focus

Tuesday 1/11/11  9:05 PM

Ive been MIA for a bit.  Im not sure what I have to say, so I am just going to start writing and see where it goes.

I am getting back to my emotionless self a little bit more and more.  I havent had to take an ativan since new years.   I feel in control.  I have made a bunch of changes at work.....which unfortunately makes more for me to do at work, meaning work has now become my life.
I get up in the morning, Im into work by 10 and leave for the gym around 8 or 9 PM.  I do nothing else.  This is my life, as a take off from the Jersey Shore kids my life is WGS- work,gym,sleep.

Things that happened from September through December have happened again.....situations that would send me spiraling .......This time while I may get that flutter of anxiety, I am able to move past it and figure a way through whatever it is that comes up.
I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of work I have taken upon myself.....but I am far from panicking.....and when I feel like I am going to, I am able to just sit back, take a few deep breathes and get back into it.

Im finally starting to take the weight I put on, off.   I think its a combination of things.  With having more to do at work, there is no time to eat.....so I am eating a lot less.  Im also making myself go to the gym a minimum of 5 days a week.  
Im finding I care more about what I look like than I did before I was raped. I am wearing makeup more, I go out in public in regular pants and  not sweats like I used to because I am now afraid they see me as the fat woman in sweats rather that the weird woman thats always out in sweats.  I am almost obsessed with getting back down to my base level weight.  I find myself caring if people think I am fat, whereas before it wouldnt have bothered me at all.  I guess some of it is stemming from me not wanting to be the fat kid in the group on my vacations.

I still get angry very quickly, which didnt happen all that often before my rape....but at least now, that anger doesnt turn into tears and me curling up into a ball.

I am very disappointed in the Saints loss on Saturday.....but the one bonus for me is that I will get to see some of them play in the probowl.

Im sleeping a little better at night, but I still sometimes wake up in a sweat.  And yes, my bedroom window is still wide open......even as its heavily snowing with an expected accumulation of 12 inches.    If you havent done this before , you need to.   Get in your car, find some snowy roads and turn onto streets without hitting your brakes......No joke, feeling your tires slip out from under you is a feeling everyone should get to experience......just make you do it when no cars are around....most times its pretty hard to control.

And my final thought that popped into my head. In looking at what web searches lead people to my sight....."kevin lange and rape" or "kevin Lange and New Orleans" seem to pop up everyday.
Either a lot of people that know him are interested in this, or he has some sort of comlex where he needs to read about himself daily.

Goodnite world......will post again soon :)