Friday 12/9/11
Some things, you just don't come back from. Plain and simple
Friday, December 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
existing
Tues Nov 29, 2011
A friend was supposed to come to town for a week for thanksgiving, I asked him not to come....more for his own protection. I was/am having crazy mood swings and fits of rage. I was feeling pretty out of control, and pretty sure I was acting out of control as well.
I kept the week off from work....not a bad idea considering it hurt like hell to shove my feet into shoes after my not so great glass breaking fest I had in my kitchen.
I didnt get out of bed much, had a bagel for thanksgiving.....super exciting stuff. It was definitely some much needed alone and quiet time. I think a lot of my problem was just being around people, everyone was just driving me crazy.
I had some hockey tickets already from when I thought my friend was coming to town, so I went to the game Saturday night. I found myself annoyed for the most part, with pretty much just being in public. I went to the game with my sister and 2 friends, I found myself rolling my eyes on a consistent basis, mentally reminding myself that its inappropriate to tell someone you find them incredibly annoying.
Ive pretty much become friendless....I am ok with that.....i crave quiet.
What im not ok with is that I cant remember the last time I found anything in life to be fun. I barely laugh anymore, but I guess that makes sense seeing how im by myself most of the time....although I do find myself hilarious sometimes :)
Im also not ok with the fact that I had to take an entire week off of work and sit in my house alone, just to feel some sense of normalcy again. Normally i would just take some time off and travel, but I was just so angry ......I think being around strangers would have still been a bad idea.
My cousin is moving back to the east coast, I love her to death so at least thats some good news. The bad news is she is a lot like I used to be, carefree, spontaneous, hilarious, trusting.....
She wants to go skydiving soon, something I would love to do.....but in all honestly, I am a little nervous I would take the opportunity and not pull my chute. At least by going out that way, it can be construed as accidental and my family wouldnt hate me for it. So for now, I wont tempt myself and stay on the ground.
I have to go back to work tomorrow, at least i know i will be busy for a bit, but im not too sure how long my anger is going to stay buried. I had a week to calm down, but I can still feel it there.
One day at a time, even when they seem never-ending.....
A friend was supposed to come to town for a week for thanksgiving, I asked him not to come....more for his own protection. I was/am having crazy mood swings and fits of rage. I was feeling pretty out of control, and pretty sure I was acting out of control as well.
I kept the week off from work....not a bad idea considering it hurt like hell to shove my feet into shoes after my not so great glass breaking fest I had in my kitchen.
I didnt get out of bed much, had a bagel for thanksgiving.....super exciting stuff. It was definitely some much needed alone and quiet time. I think a lot of my problem was just being around people, everyone was just driving me crazy.
I had some hockey tickets already from when I thought my friend was coming to town, so I went to the game Saturday night. I found myself annoyed for the most part, with pretty much just being in public. I went to the game with my sister and 2 friends, I found myself rolling my eyes on a consistent basis, mentally reminding myself that its inappropriate to tell someone you find them incredibly annoying.
Ive pretty much become friendless....I am ok with that.....i crave quiet.
What im not ok with is that I cant remember the last time I found anything in life to be fun. I barely laugh anymore, but I guess that makes sense seeing how im by myself most of the time....although I do find myself hilarious sometimes :)
Im also not ok with the fact that I had to take an entire week off of work and sit in my house alone, just to feel some sense of normalcy again. Normally i would just take some time off and travel, but I was just so angry ......I think being around strangers would have still been a bad idea.
My cousin is moving back to the east coast, I love her to death so at least thats some good news. The bad news is she is a lot like I used to be, carefree, spontaneous, hilarious, trusting.....
She wants to go skydiving soon, something I would love to do.....but in all honestly, I am a little nervous I would take the opportunity and not pull my chute. At least by going out that way, it can be construed as accidental and my family wouldnt hate me for it. So for now, I wont tempt myself and stay on the ground.
I have to go back to work tomorrow, at least i know i will be busy for a bit, but im not too sure how long my anger is going to stay buried. I had a week to calm down, but I can still feel it there.
One day at a time, even when they seem never-ending.....
Sunday, November 20, 2011
I have no Kitchen
Sunday Nov 20, 2011
I have been on edge for over a week now. I get angry at the most ordinary of things.
Annoyed at someone that was texting me too much......he was supposed to come visit for the Holiday and I told him to cancel his trip because I was so annoyed and wanted to rip his head off
I took Friday off of work because of my poor attitude and was afraid I would do something unprofessional.
Take today as another example. I had made brownies earlier and left the dirty pan in the sink soaking. My sister had come over later and she had washed a few dishes in the sink and left the brownie pan. I flipped out. Ran around the house slamming things until she left.
Once I finally scared her off I proceeded to smash anything and everything i could find. Glasses, plates, the works.....all smashed up on the kitchen floor, dents and cracks in the wall and on the tiles.
I have to admit, after screaming like a complete idiot and throwing things as hard as I could....even the sound of the shattering glass made me feel better. But that wasnt enough, after I was worn down from all the effort it took to find things to break I just stood there......finally calm, just looking at the mess.
I then proceeded to take my slippers off and walk across all of it.............Not too sure why I felt the need to, but it felt good at the time.
Now my feet are swollen and cut .....not the smartest thing to do clearly. I'll tell you what, cuts from glass hurt just as bad as paper cuts
What did I get out of all of this??? No cups to drink from, no plates to eat from, a huge mess of broken glass and blood on the floor.....but at least that pit of rage I was feeling in my chest is gone.
But anyway, all that rage I was feeling is gone....for now at least, and I can get back to trying to get my life back to normal.
I find myself wondering what the point of life is. More often than not, life is a struggle. What is the point of living to struggle and inevitably die. You show me one person that is truly happy and has a life worth living while awaiting the inevitable death and I will show you a liar. When you break life down to the bare bones, most just choose to live so that others around them wont hurt when they are gone.
Trying to live after rape isnt always darkness, for the past few months I had actually been pretty good about everything......but it never fails, the darkness does come back, and it forces you to go back to square one and start recovery all over again.
I have been on edge for over a week now. I get angry at the most ordinary of things.
Annoyed at someone that was texting me too much......he was supposed to come visit for the Holiday and I told him to cancel his trip because I was so annoyed and wanted to rip his head off
I took Friday off of work because of my poor attitude and was afraid I would do something unprofessional.
Take today as another example. I had made brownies earlier and left the dirty pan in the sink soaking. My sister had come over later and she had washed a few dishes in the sink and left the brownie pan. I flipped out. Ran around the house slamming things until she left.
Once I finally scared her off I proceeded to smash anything and everything i could find. Glasses, plates, the works.....all smashed up on the kitchen floor, dents and cracks in the wall and on the tiles.
I have to admit, after screaming like a complete idiot and throwing things as hard as I could....even the sound of the shattering glass made me feel better. But that wasnt enough, after I was worn down from all the effort it took to find things to break I just stood there......finally calm, just looking at the mess.
I then proceeded to take my slippers off and walk across all of it.............Not too sure why I felt the need to, but it felt good at the time.
Now my feet are swollen and cut .....not the smartest thing to do clearly. I'll tell you what, cuts from glass hurt just as bad as paper cuts
What did I get out of all of this??? No cups to drink from, no plates to eat from, a huge mess of broken glass and blood on the floor.....but at least that pit of rage I was feeling in my chest is gone.
But anyway, all that rage I was feeling is gone....for now at least, and I can get back to trying to get my life back to normal.
I find myself wondering what the point of life is. More often than not, life is a struggle. What is the point of living to struggle and inevitably die. You show me one person that is truly happy and has a life worth living while awaiting the inevitable death and I will show you a liar. When you break life down to the bare bones, most just choose to live so that others around them wont hurt when they are gone.
Trying to live after rape isnt always darkness, for the past few months I had actually been pretty good about everything......but it never fails, the darkness does come back, and it forces you to go back to square one and start recovery all over again.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
a little advice
Nov 5 2011
Ive been doing ok.....i know its been a bit since I have last written.....In all honesty its because I really have been ok
I havent checked my blog since the last time I wrote....i havent felt that i was at the low enough point where i needed to write, but today, I decided to check in case there was a comment left. There is a comment from someone also having a tough time, just hitting their year mark as well. This person doesnt know how to cope, how to handle things, how to make life ok again......doesnt feel like they have an outlet, cant talk or write because it stirs up too many overwhelming feelings.....looking for advice
I get it. The mixture of about 10 different emotions hitting you all at one time.....enough emotion to cause an actual physical response that could drop you to your knees. This person says they cannot speak about what happened, I get it. They cant write either, I get that too.
Here is a little background on me. I did everything I could in school to avoid any classes that involved speaking in public. I never voiced my opinions, if I disagreed with things, I would do so silently and then go about my business the way I wanted, without making a big deal out of it. If someone had told me that one day I would walk down the main street of a town announcing to anyone that could see that I had been raped, or that I would contact a news station to call attention to the appalling response by the NOPD .....I would have personally sent them for a psych evaluation.
I am a very private person with few friends......I chose this life. As I think I have mentioned before, I think that people are inherently bad....a truly good person is incredibly hard to come by, but when you do, those are the ones you hold on to, everyone else should be kept at a distance because they will inevitably falter....and if you dont let yourself care about too many people....you have a significantly less chance of having others actions have a true effect on you.
That being said......look at me now, I have shared the darkest point of my life with the entire world. I never thought I could speak out in public and I havent written anything beyond a 5 page paper for school...
My Advice: like it or not world....
I found that counseling wasnt the answer ...for me, and Im betting, for more than half of rape victims. I literally could not form words most times I tried to speak about my rape. When I had to explain my severe change in attitude to my boss, I could not get the words out....I had to write it in 3 page letter....and in the end of that letter, request that she never bring up the situation to me again. Speaking to my best friend at the time, would cause my voice to tremble, hands to shake and eyes to tear up. There hasnt been one occasion where speaking helped me control my emotions or process any part of my situation.
I found that writing, for me, was my best outlet. As I said earlier.....I am not a writer. I havent written anything of substance in my life. The thing about starting this blog was that I was letting my emotions out by typing.....but while typing I can ball my eyes out, let my hands shake......and no one can see...no one is there in my ear telling me everything is ok or asking how they can help. No one is looking at me with pity. At least by writing, I am able to process my thoughts...put some things in order....it forces me to face what I am feeling.
Some have asked why I am publicly writing.....its fine and good if I want to write, but why do I have to post it online.......for me, I found it to be a necessity. After I was raped, I was looking for help. My first instinct was to go online and find out what my options were. How I could fight back , what support groups were out there to maybe give me some guidance. I went online and was distraught at the fact that I really could not find any sort of information on anything. There were a few names of groups out there, but nothing that really tells a victim where to go to get help in making the police pay attention to you, or where to go for legal advice, or even just a story or two of perseverance. There was nothing I could find that made me say to myself "wow, these emotions and physical reactions I am having are normal"
So I decided to do something about it. My struggle is out there, for everyone to see....and it seems to be helping a few people that seem to be doing what I did....going on-line to find some sort of answers or comfort.
Even if you dont think you are a "writer"....I suggest you do it.....writing helps to get through the emotion without anyone else around you to judge or pity you. It is a very private, intimate way to get your feelings out, see them on paper ...and maybe then, give you the chance to process what you have written. Im not saying sit there and analyze what you write.....I dont even look back at anything I have written......but the process of forming your thoughts to put them on paper so that they make a little sense and then leaving them in the past seems to help me. You dont have to write and post to the public like i have been doing, but just write for yourself....its pretty therapeutic.
As cliche as it sounds, I also found that exercise helps. Getting to the gym and getting my blood pumping actually helps me breathe better. Sometimes, anxiety and emotions make my chest feels so tight and it really feels hard to breathe.....getting active forces my lungs to literally stretch out and somehow that helps....I cant explain why, it just does.
Music also seemed to help me get through the darkest times......once again....total cliche, but true. I know there were a few times where I posted in this blog when music seemed to just have a huge emotional effect on me.
I hope this helps . please keep me updated on how you are doing :)
Ive been doing ok.....i know its been a bit since I have last written.....In all honesty its because I really have been ok
I havent checked my blog since the last time I wrote....i havent felt that i was at the low enough point where i needed to write, but today, I decided to check in case there was a comment left. There is a comment from someone also having a tough time, just hitting their year mark as well. This person doesnt know how to cope, how to handle things, how to make life ok again......doesnt feel like they have an outlet, cant talk or write because it stirs up too many overwhelming feelings.....looking for advice
I get it. The mixture of about 10 different emotions hitting you all at one time.....enough emotion to cause an actual physical response that could drop you to your knees. This person says they cannot speak about what happened, I get it. They cant write either, I get that too.
Here is a little background on me. I did everything I could in school to avoid any classes that involved speaking in public. I never voiced my opinions, if I disagreed with things, I would do so silently and then go about my business the way I wanted, without making a big deal out of it. If someone had told me that one day I would walk down the main street of a town announcing to anyone that could see that I had been raped, or that I would contact a news station to call attention to the appalling response by the NOPD .....I would have personally sent them for a psych evaluation.
I am a very private person with few friends......I chose this life. As I think I have mentioned before, I think that people are inherently bad....a truly good person is incredibly hard to come by, but when you do, those are the ones you hold on to, everyone else should be kept at a distance because they will inevitably falter....and if you dont let yourself care about too many people....you have a significantly less chance of having others actions have a true effect on you.
That being said......look at me now, I have shared the darkest point of my life with the entire world. I never thought I could speak out in public and I havent written anything beyond a 5 page paper for school...
My Advice: like it or not world....
I found that counseling wasnt the answer ...for me, and Im betting, for more than half of rape victims. I literally could not form words most times I tried to speak about my rape. When I had to explain my severe change in attitude to my boss, I could not get the words out....I had to write it in 3 page letter....and in the end of that letter, request that she never bring up the situation to me again. Speaking to my best friend at the time, would cause my voice to tremble, hands to shake and eyes to tear up. There hasnt been one occasion where speaking helped me control my emotions or process any part of my situation.
I found that writing, for me, was my best outlet. As I said earlier.....I am not a writer. I havent written anything of substance in my life. The thing about starting this blog was that I was letting my emotions out by typing.....but while typing I can ball my eyes out, let my hands shake......and no one can see...no one is there in my ear telling me everything is ok or asking how they can help. No one is looking at me with pity. At least by writing, I am able to process my thoughts...put some things in order....it forces me to face what I am feeling.
Some have asked why I am publicly writing.....its fine and good if I want to write, but why do I have to post it online.......for me, I found it to be a necessity. After I was raped, I was looking for help. My first instinct was to go online and find out what my options were. How I could fight back , what support groups were out there to maybe give me some guidance. I went online and was distraught at the fact that I really could not find any sort of information on anything. There were a few names of groups out there, but nothing that really tells a victim where to go to get help in making the police pay attention to you, or where to go for legal advice, or even just a story or two of perseverance. There was nothing I could find that made me say to myself "wow, these emotions and physical reactions I am having are normal"
So I decided to do something about it. My struggle is out there, for everyone to see....and it seems to be helping a few people that seem to be doing what I did....going on-line to find some sort of answers or comfort.
Even if you dont think you are a "writer"....I suggest you do it.....writing helps to get through the emotion without anyone else around you to judge or pity you. It is a very private, intimate way to get your feelings out, see them on paper ...and maybe then, give you the chance to process what you have written. Im not saying sit there and analyze what you write.....I dont even look back at anything I have written......but the process of forming your thoughts to put them on paper so that they make a little sense and then leaving them in the past seems to help me. You dont have to write and post to the public like i have been doing, but just write for yourself....its pretty therapeutic.
As cliche as it sounds, I also found that exercise helps. Getting to the gym and getting my blood pumping actually helps me breathe better. Sometimes, anxiety and emotions make my chest feels so tight and it really feels hard to breathe.....getting active forces my lungs to literally stretch out and somehow that helps....I cant explain why, it just does.
Music also seemed to help me get through the darkest times......once again....total cliche, but true. I know there were a few times where I posted in this blog when music seemed to just have a huge emotional effect on me.
I hope this helps . please keep me updated on how you are doing :)
Monday, September 26, 2011
One Full Year
Monday, Sept 26, 2011
A full year has gone by since my rape. I have been dreading this day. I have been wondering if I whether or not I would make it to this date alive.
Surprisingly today was an ok day. My thoughts didnt wander too much, i didnt sit in a dark room feeling sorry for myself.
There was a time I was sure I wouldnt be alive once this day came.....a few suicide attempts didnt do it, so I rest my hopes were on not waking up from a surgical procedure I had a few weeks ago. Unfortunately I woke up....and in tons of pain.
These past few weeks I have been so drugged out of my mind that I really didnt think much about my rape and how poorly the DA and NOPD treated me. But now that the pain has subsided, the thoughts are coming back in full force.
I still cant sleep at night, one full year later I still lay down to relax and fall asleep and my thoughts always shift back to every aspect of my rape...making my mind race causing inability to sleep.
I havent been following any articles on the NOPD because I am doing my best to move past this, and by looking I make myself obsess more and more and that just isnt healthy. But I can say I am 100% positive that those "steps" they claimed to have taken to remedy the issues of police handling rape situations has been put off to the side, long forgotten......until it happens again,.....until it happens again where one strong woman is raped and decides that the NOPD didnt treat her fairly and properly, and the DA will be too lazy to bring About even a misdemeanor charge that could be proven without a shadow of a doubt. And when that strong woman has the courage to speak out and draw attention to the issue.......maybe she will get someone to listen and succeed where I failed..
I truly believe another woman will come along , willing to stand up for herself and when she does, I hope to hear about it so I can join her fight in any way I can- helping her will be hard, I have done so much to try to forget any and everything that happened to me, but if she is willing to fight,, I will face my demons and fight with her.
It will be a shame that this woman would have to go through this, but the NOPD hasnt changed and if she is strong enough to stand up to them, maybe she could force another look at the changes that were looked at and brushed to the side when I spoke out.
Thanks for listening/....heres to a new year of life for me
A full year has gone by since my rape. I have been dreading this day. I have been wondering if I whether or not I would make it to this date alive.
Surprisingly today was an ok day. My thoughts didnt wander too much, i didnt sit in a dark room feeling sorry for myself.
There was a time I was sure I wouldnt be alive once this day came.....a few suicide attempts didnt do it, so I rest my hopes were on not waking up from a surgical procedure I had a few weeks ago. Unfortunately I woke up....and in tons of pain.
These past few weeks I have been so drugged out of my mind that I really didnt think much about my rape and how poorly the DA and NOPD treated me. But now that the pain has subsided, the thoughts are coming back in full force.
I still cant sleep at night, one full year later I still lay down to relax and fall asleep and my thoughts always shift back to every aspect of my rape...making my mind race causing inability to sleep.
I havent been following any articles on the NOPD because I am doing my best to move past this, and by looking I make myself obsess more and more and that just isnt healthy. But I can say I am 100% positive that those "steps" they claimed to have taken to remedy the issues of police handling rape situations has been put off to the side, long forgotten......until it happens again,.....until it happens again where one strong woman is raped and decides that the NOPD didnt treat her fairly and properly, and the DA will be too lazy to bring About even a misdemeanor charge that could be proven without a shadow of a doubt. And when that strong woman has the courage to speak out and draw attention to the issue.......maybe she will get someone to listen and succeed where I failed..
I truly believe another woman will come along , willing to stand up for herself and when she does, I hope to hear about it so I can join her fight in any way I can- helping her will be hard, I have done so much to try to forget any and everything that happened to me, but if she is willing to fight,, I will face my demons and fight with her.
It will be a shame that this woman would have to go through this, but the NOPD hasnt changed and if she is strong enough to stand up to them, maybe she could force another look at the changes that were looked at and brushed to the side when I spoke out.
Thanks for listening/....heres to a new year of life for me
Monday, September 5, 2011
Its almost that time
9/5/11
Its that month...that month I wasnt quite sure I would actually live to see. The month, a year from when I was raped.
I have endured almost a year of daily thoughts about my rape, about the NOPD, the Orleans Parish DAs office. A full year of trying to live a normal life, yet somehow, every day something brings my thoughts to some aspect of my rape. Not a single day has gone by that I havent had multiple thoughts of what happened to me, and the treatment I received afterward.....notice I said Multiple thoughts.
This isnt something that just pops into my head once a day and I move on with my life. This is something that still shows up at even the happiest moments in my life....I am capable of happiness (there was a time where I thought even that wasnt possible any more) but the happiness doesnt last long. Most days Im ok..I go to work and I have things to distract me. Most days, at least a few times a day thought of what I have gone through pop into my head....but with work, it at least distracts me so that I can focus on something else.
Nights are the worst for me. I cant sleep. I lay down but I cant relax . When I lay down to sleep is when all of the thoughts are able to creep into my mind, a time when i cant focus on anything else, because if I do, I will stay awake working on what im focusing on to keep these thoughts out of my head. I have to take drugs every night just to be able to sleep. How ridiculous is this. I cant sleep without taking ativan to calm my nerves. Its been almost a full year, and I still cant shake the thoughts, the disgust..i still cant sleep.
I said earlier that I am capable of finding happiness but those moments are few and far between. Most of the time I spend my weekends lying in bed watching tv, avoiding the world. During the week I cant get out of bed before 8 AM if im lucky. Luckily my boss is understanding I told her a while back of what happened to me and she was more than accommodating to me...Im lucky that way, I have people in my life that are willing to help me without asking questions or pressuring me.
I cant even watch my favorite football team play anymore. I was in favor of the lockout ....so I wouldnt have to turn friends down when they wanted to grab a beer and watch the Saints play. Now that the season has started I cant bring myself to watch....a sick to my stomach feeling shows up any time i see a commercial or my friends text to tell me the game is on. I just wish there werent so many things that I end up associating with my rape. I loved that city and now, I dont think I can ever go back..and as i have said before, its not because of what happened to me...its because of the complete disrespect and incompetence of the NOPD and the DA's office.
Im not as angry as I first was, but I feel a hell of a lot more hopeless. At one point, a while ago, I was contemplating stopping my blog because I was in a good place.....now I have no clue how I got to such a good place in the first place. I never know when I am going to need to write....the negativity just hits me out of no where and writing seems to be my only release....its write, or kill try myself.....Ive done both.
I clearly have been more successful at writing than killing myself......and I no longer feel that killing myself is the answer...but as ive said.....if I die, Im ok with it.
I was shocked to sign on today and find 3 comments since the last time I posted, which im not sure when that was...I dont go back and read this, and I dont ever plan on it. But the comments that were posted brought me to tears. My heart goes out to anyone that feels even the smallest bit of what I am feeling.
It sounds like this blog is helping some get through what is probably the worst time of their lives, so I will continue to write. It seems I only write at the moments when I am at my lowest....as thats when I am reminded most...but sometimes, even when I do find happiness I find myself thinking about my rape. Its strange. I can be at an all time high, and somehow, a thought of this whole situation shows up and brings be right back down.
I wish I could write about the times when I have been able to get back to some sort of a normal life....but that just isnt possible. The times when I am able to get past everything and be happy, are the times that I have been able to successfully clear my mind and block any memories from coming through......and when that happens I cant write, because my blog is a memory. My blog is a reminder of my rape.
The best I can do is tell anyone that has been through any version of what I have, is that there are times, though they may be rare, that you can truly be happy....and when that happens you should take full advantage because there is no escaping the lows and the memories that will resurface.
Its that month...that month I wasnt quite sure I would actually live to see. The month, a year from when I was raped.
I have endured almost a year of daily thoughts about my rape, about the NOPD, the Orleans Parish DAs office. A full year of trying to live a normal life, yet somehow, every day something brings my thoughts to some aspect of my rape. Not a single day has gone by that I havent had multiple thoughts of what happened to me, and the treatment I received afterward.....notice I said Multiple thoughts.
This isnt something that just pops into my head once a day and I move on with my life. This is something that still shows up at even the happiest moments in my life....I am capable of happiness (there was a time where I thought even that wasnt possible any more) but the happiness doesnt last long. Most days Im ok..I go to work and I have things to distract me. Most days, at least a few times a day thought of what I have gone through pop into my head....but with work, it at least distracts me so that I can focus on something else.
Nights are the worst for me. I cant sleep. I lay down but I cant relax . When I lay down to sleep is when all of the thoughts are able to creep into my mind, a time when i cant focus on anything else, because if I do, I will stay awake working on what im focusing on to keep these thoughts out of my head. I have to take drugs every night just to be able to sleep. How ridiculous is this. I cant sleep without taking ativan to calm my nerves. Its been almost a full year, and I still cant shake the thoughts, the disgust..i still cant sleep.
I said earlier that I am capable of finding happiness but those moments are few and far between. Most of the time I spend my weekends lying in bed watching tv, avoiding the world. During the week I cant get out of bed before 8 AM if im lucky. Luckily my boss is understanding I told her a while back of what happened to me and she was more than accommodating to me...Im lucky that way, I have people in my life that are willing to help me without asking questions or pressuring me.
I cant even watch my favorite football team play anymore. I was in favor of the lockout ....so I wouldnt have to turn friends down when they wanted to grab a beer and watch the Saints play. Now that the season has started I cant bring myself to watch....a sick to my stomach feeling shows up any time i see a commercial or my friends text to tell me the game is on. I just wish there werent so many things that I end up associating with my rape. I loved that city and now, I dont think I can ever go back..and as i have said before, its not because of what happened to me...its because of the complete disrespect and incompetence of the NOPD and the DA's office.
Im not as angry as I first was, but I feel a hell of a lot more hopeless. At one point, a while ago, I was contemplating stopping my blog because I was in a good place.....now I have no clue how I got to such a good place in the first place. I never know when I am going to need to write....the negativity just hits me out of no where and writing seems to be my only release....its write, or kill try myself.....Ive done both.
I clearly have been more successful at writing than killing myself......and I no longer feel that killing myself is the answer...but as ive said.....if I die, Im ok with it.
I was shocked to sign on today and find 3 comments since the last time I posted, which im not sure when that was...I dont go back and read this, and I dont ever plan on it. But the comments that were posted brought me to tears. My heart goes out to anyone that feels even the smallest bit of what I am feeling.
It sounds like this blog is helping some get through what is probably the worst time of their lives, so I will continue to write. It seems I only write at the moments when I am at my lowest....as thats when I am reminded most...but sometimes, even when I do find happiness I find myself thinking about my rape. Its strange. I can be at an all time high, and somehow, a thought of this whole situation shows up and brings be right back down.
I wish I could write about the times when I have been able to get back to some sort of a normal life....but that just isnt possible. The times when I am able to get past everything and be happy, are the times that I have been able to successfully clear my mind and block any memories from coming through......and when that happens I cant write, because my blog is a memory. My blog is a reminder of my rape.
The best I can do is tell anyone that has been through any version of what I have, is that there are times, though they may be rare, that you can truly be happy....and when that happens you should take full advantage because there is no escaping the lows and the memories that will resurface.
Monday, August 15, 2011
I thought I was over this
Monday 8/15/11
I guess the clinical word would be depressed
Its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning . I get up after about an hour of deciding whether or not to call in...I go work and I go home and crawl back into bed.
This is my life most days. Some days are good, most are just sad.
I dont really see the point in my existence. I barely do anything anymore. And on the rare occasion I do go out, I feel like hiding in my house for the following few days having no contact with anyone.
I wound up getting sick again, I get to go in for surgery in September.... nothing drastic, but i find myself wishing that something goes wrong and I dont wake up from it. There is some superstition about going into surgery with bad thoughts running through your mind....it impedes recovery, reduces chance of success...
To me, it would be a relief, I wouldnt have to live like this anymore and my family wouldnt have to live with my selfishness in killing myself.
I am not suicidal, im not going to try to kill myself again, but death is something I would be ok with if thats what circumstances resulted in (not that I would be around to be not ok with it , lol)
I miss who I used to be
I guess the clinical word would be depressed
Its a struggle to get out of bed in the morning . I get up after about an hour of deciding whether or not to call in...I go work and I go home and crawl back into bed.
This is my life most days. Some days are good, most are just sad.
I dont really see the point in my existence. I barely do anything anymore. And on the rare occasion I do go out, I feel like hiding in my house for the following few days having no contact with anyone.
I wound up getting sick again, I get to go in for surgery in September.... nothing drastic, but i find myself wishing that something goes wrong and I dont wake up from it. There is some superstition about going into surgery with bad thoughts running through your mind....it impedes recovery, reduces chance of success...
To me, it would be a relief, I wouldnt have to live like this anymore and my family wouldnt have to live with my selfishness in killing myself.
I am not suicidal, im not going to try to kill myself again, but death is something I would be ok with if thats what circumstances resulted in (not that I would be around to be not ok with it , lol)
I miss who I used to be
Monday, August 8, 2011
Moday August 8
Im finding myself angry pretty much all of the time. My life isnt carefree and fun like it used to be
I used to find ways to make fun of everything that came my way...it made life easier
Hell, I even found ways to poke fun at some of the ridiculousness that ensued regarding my rape
I dont remember much of anything, much of what happened to me, much of what I have previously written, so if any of this repeats a apologize ahead of time and thanks for bearing with me
I remember wondering to myself, and writing about how I couldnt understand why more victims dont speak out. Not understanding why there wasnt much detailed information available for those who needed it
That question is why I continued to write for so long. I wrote first as a necessity, to get myself through the day without successfully killing myself....I also wrote so that others in my situation would have at least one, honest,soul bearing experience to relate to . I have been getting feedback that I have helped people, and for that I am truly grateful to have been able to do so. Rape is scary whether it is violent or not.
As for the writing, it now stands more of a reminder to me about what I am trying to rid my mind of. Writing what I am going through just sometimes makes everything a lot worse emotionally. I dont write as often because I am trying my best to forget,....but trying to forget also leaves a lot bottled up inside. Sometimes you are stressed with work or get in a fight with someone, or you just arent sleeping well .....and all of that weakens your mind and lets all of those thoughts you fought to hard to forget, flow right back into the front of your mind .
Do i regret writing? Not for a minute, but now I dont run to writing every time I am panicking, I run to writing when I have had time to get my thoughts clear and figure out what it is that I really need to say
I also remember speaking about telling my best friend and encouraging others to do the same. I dont know what I would have done if I didnt have my best friend to get me through those few rough months,but now,
after time has past, I find myself very resentful of her. She now knows something so dark about me that she can tell anyone , at any time . My personal belief is that people are inherently bad, so what is to stop her from running around telling everyone. I have completely withdrawn from her, in fact, we barely speak.
There are other factors to the deterioration of our friendship, and truly me telling her about my rape wasnt one of them . I became slightly withdrawn, and then we just grew further and further apart....while we were growing apart is where the resentment came in . On the one hand I regret telling her because we are no longer as close as we used to be, but on the other hand, had I not told her and she wasnt there for me I would most likely be dead by now.
Everyday there is some reminder of what I have gone through- my medical records are permanently altered with the words Victim of Sexual Assault.
My mother asked me if we were going to a Saints game this year now that the lockout is over.....I cant bring myself to go back down to that city, my at one point most favorite city in the country, the thought of it makes me nauseous. Even thinking about watching a Saints game makes me nauseous and they were my all time favorite team.
I was at a comedy show with my friend whom I had told about my rape and the comedian started making jokes about rape. I found them funny, but I could tell my friend was looking at me to see if I was going to cry or something. I do have to say that even though i did find it funny, i did get that feeling inside,....you know the feeling where your heart jumps and you get all blushed, kind of like the feeling you get when a cop pulls you over. Anytime something about rape is brought up i get that sensation....its pretty annoying for something like that to probably happen for the rest of my life. \
Another time i was watching a movie with my mother and the subject of rape came up.....bring on the feeling and then the obvious looking at me to see my reaction.....just another of a long list of things I am going to some how have to get used to
Ive been down a lot lately. All I do is work and watch tv. I wont go out anywhere, Ive seen just about every show there is on television right now. I dont sit around and cry, i just dont have the motivation to do anything. I go on vacation as much as possible because that seems to be the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
I just want my old life back. I want to get out and do things.. I want to find things funny again
Thanks for listening
I used to find ways to make fun of everything that came my way...it made life easier
Hell, I even found ways to poke fun at some of the ridiculousness that ensued regarding my rape
I dont remember much of anything, much of what happened to me, much of what I have previously written, so if any of this repeats a apologize ahead of time and thanks for bearing with me
I remember wondering to myself, and writing about how I couldnt understand why more victims dont speak out. Not understanding why there wasnt much detailed information available for those who needed it
That question is why I continued to write for so long. I wrote first as a necessity, to get myself through the day without successfully killing myself....I also wrote so that others in my situation would have at least one, honest,soul bearing experience to relate to . I have been getting feedback that I have helped people, and for that I am truly grateful to have been able to do so. Rape is scary whether it is violent or not.
As for the writing, it now stands more of a reminder to me about what I am trying to rid my mind of. Writing what I am going through just sometimes makes everything a lot worse emotionally. I dont write as often because I am trying my best to forget,....but trying to forget also leaves a lot bottled up inside. Sometimes you are stressed with work or get in a fight with someone, or you just arent sleeping well .....and all of that weakens your mind and lets all of those thoughts you fought to hard to forget, flow right back into the front of your mind .
Do i regret writing? Not for a minute, but now I dont run to writing every time I am panicking, I run to writing when I have had time to get my thoughts clear and figure out what it is that I really need to say
I also remember speaking about telling my best friend and encouraging others to do the same. I dont know what I would have done if I didnt have my best friend to get me through those few rough months,but now,
after time has past, I find myself very resentful of her. She now knows something so dark about me that she can tell anyone , at any time . My personal belief is that people are inherently bad, so what is to stop her from running around telling everyone. I have completely withdrawn from her, in fact, we barely speak.
There are other factors to the deterioration of our friendship, and truly me telling her about my rape wasnt one of them . I became slightly withdrawn, and then we just grew further and further apart....while we were growing apart is where the resentment came in . On the one hand I regret telling her because we are no longer as close as we used to be, but on the other hand, had I not told her and she wasnt there for me I would most likely be dead by now.
Everyday there is some reminder of what I have gone through- my medical records are permanently altered with the words Victim of Sexual Assault.
My mother asked me if we were going to a Saints game this year now that the lockout is over.....I cant bring myself to go back down to that city, my at one point most favorite city in the country, the thought of it makes me nauseous. Even thinking about watching a Saints game makes me nauseous and they were my all time favorite team.
I was at a comedy show with my friend whom I had told about my rape and the comedian started making jokes about rape. I found them funny, but I could tell my friend was looking at me to see if I was going to cry or something. I do have to say that even though i did find it funny, i did get that feeling inside,....you know the feeling where your heart jumps and you get all blushed, kind of like the feeling you get when a cop pulls you over. Anytime something about rape is brought up i get that sensation....its pretty annoying for something like that to probably happen for the rest of my life. \
Another time i was watching a movie with my mother and the subject of rape came up.....bring on the feeling and then the obvious looking at me to see my reaction.....just another of a long list of things I am going to some how have to get used to
Ive been down a lot lately. All I do is work and watch tv. I wont go out anywhere, Ive seen just about every show there is on television right now. I dont sit around and cry, i just dont have the motivation to do anything. I go on vacation as much as possible because that seems to be the only thing that makes me happy anymore.
I just want my old life back. I want to get out and do things.. I want to find things funny again
Thanks for listening
Monday, June 20, 2011
Monday June 20,2011
I went to visit my father yesterday for fathers day.
He has been gone for 8 years now, but every fathers day I go visit him.
This year was the most difficult year I have had. My family bought the plot next to where my father is buried. This plot was so that my mother could be buried next to him when she passes away... we didnt want him to be alone out there.
But when I got to his grave site and looked at the empty space next to it, I couldnt help but imagine that I am going to be the one that ends up there. I have made many attempts and had many thoughts about killing myself.
I still get nauseous when the thoughts find a way to creep back into my mind. I feel nauseous about the freak that raped me and his stupid hair, I feel nauseous that his friends and the guy I thought was my friend did nothing to help. I feel nauseous at the incompetence of the Orleans Parish DA's office. I feel nauseous that the only thing I can due is sue the piece of shit. He will never be held criminally liable for any of this.
I do have to say that details are getting fuzzier and fuzzier as time goes by, and that, is a blessing. The only thing I remember about my rapist was that he had stupid hair and he clearly thought he was a lot better looking than he is. I do remember the details of how poorly I was treated by the NOPD, and the Orleans Parish DA's office....that still gets my stomach turning.
I cant bring myself to go back to that city. And its not due to fear of violence, its more that I am so angry at the agencies that were supposed to help me. I am purely disgusted with everything about how my case was treated. One of my favorite cities now makes me sick to my stomach thinking about going back there.
My thoughts dont creep into my head as much as they used to during the day. I am incredibly busy at my job, so I always have something to focus on....not to mention this new woman I work with is a complete idiot and i am stuck answering about 13000 questions a day......she gets the brunt of my frustration .
The worst time for me is at night, when i am trying to relax and get some sleep....thats when the thoughts really start to come out.....i usually have to take an ativan just to get my mind to stop racing.
More often than not, i find myself wishing i would just kill myself so I wouldnt have to go through all of this. Having to walk around with this in my head all day, every day is getting pretty tiring.
I think about killing myself at least twice a week , I guess thats a few steps up from wanting to die everyday.
But sitting at my fathers grave did give me comfort in knowing that if I decide that this is all too much and that I dont want to carry on like this, I wont be alone. I will be in that plot, right next to him and i will be safe. I will be at peace
He has been gone for 8 years now, but every fathers day I go visit him.
This year was the most difficult year I have had. My family bought the plot next to where my father is buried. This plot was so that my mother could be buried next to him when she passes away... we didnt want him to be alone out there.
But when I got to his grave site and looked at the empty space next to it, I couldnt help but imagine that I am going to be the one that ends up there. I have made many attempts and had many thoughts about killing myself.
I still get nauseous when the thoughts find a way to creep back into my mind. I feel nauseous about the freak that raped me and his stupid hair, I feel nauseous that his friends and the guy I thought was my friend did nothing to help. I feel nauseous at the incompetence of the Orleans Parish DA's office. I feel nauseous that the only thing I can due is sue the piece of shit. He will never be held criminally liable for any of this.
I do have to say that details are getting fuzzier and fuzzier as time goes by, and that, is a blessing. The only thing I remember about my rapist was that he had stupid hair and he clearly thought he was a lot better looking than he is. I do remember the details of how poorly I was treated by the NOPD, and the Orleans Parish DA's office....that still gets my stomach turning.
I cant bring myself to go back to that city. And its not due to fear of violence, its more that I am so angry at the agencies that were supposed to help me. I am purely disgusted with everything about how my case was treated. One of my favorite cities now makes me sick to my stomach thinking about going back there.
My thoughts dont creep into my head as much as they used to during the day. I am incredibly busy at my job, so I always have something to focus on....not to mention this new woman I work with is a complete idiot and i am stuck answering about 13000 questions a day......she gets the brunt of my frustration .
The worst time for me is at night, when i am trying to relax and get some sleep....thats when the thoughts really start to come out.....i usually have to take an ativan just to get my mind to stop racing.
More often than not, i find myself wishing i would just kill myself so I wouldnt have to go through all of this. Having to walk around with this in my head all day, every day is getting pretty tiring.
I think about killing myself at least twice a week , I guess thats a few steps up from wanting to die everyday.
But sitting at my fathers grave did give me comfort in knowing that if I decide that this is all too much and that I dont want to carry on like this, I wont be alone. I will be in that plot, right next to him and i will be safe. I will be at peace
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
A glimpse into my head
Wed 5/11/11
I still cant sleep. It is 11:43 PM and I am still up. Thoughts replaying in my mind.
There has to be a reason I am on this earth. I should have died back in August, but I didnt. I find it hard to imagine a world that would save me from death for the sole purpose of having me raped in September.
There has to be something more, I could really use finding out just what that is soon because I am slowly losing all hope. I am angry, I am sad, I am beyond disgusted that I have made absolutely no impact on how the NOPD handles rape victims and their cases. I have accomplished nothing, in putting my rape out in public to educate anyone and everyone that will listen.
I take that back, I have accomplished something. In my writing as my way of self therapy, I was able to keep myself alive. I was able to not successfully kill myself , though it wasnt for lack of trying.
I am growing more and more disgusted with the NOPD and the DA's office.
It is still eating at me that not a single officer left me a number to which I could contact them, So that when I got out of the hospital after all my testing I could call. I had to call precinct to precinct and no one could help, no one could even connect me to any department i would need to speak with.
The only way I got a phone number for an officer was when I was back in the hospital having more pictures taken of new bruises that were showing up. I started asking how I could contact people, and no one seemed to have a clue. Luckily a nurse was able to get me a number.
But seriously, how does that happen?
And another thing that keeps eating away at me is the Asst. DA. Mary Glass or whatever her name was.
In summary, what she told me was that I wasnt raped because I wasnt in my bedroom, in my own residence.
So everyone be aware, if you are sexually assaulted in a friends house, according to this fine Asst. DA, you are not a victim of rape.
And the NOPD being as fine as they are, will let your rapist fly back home to Arizona the very next day....without informing you that your rapist is still out there and not being held.
I am no longer afraid of people in public that have a resemblance to any of the guys....truth be told the only face I remember anymore is Kevins.....but when you have an interest in someone, you tend to remember their face....So I am going to probably have to struggle with that the rest of my life....however long or short that may end up being.
My life isnt what it used to be. It isnt as fun, there is a lot less laughter. I deal with things that frustrate me by lashing out at people now. I still travel, but even that has lost its appeal to me.
I had my trip to Vegas back in early april and I didnt have fun. I was in bed by 9 pm friday and saturday nights because I didnt feel like doing anything, in a city that I loved so much at one point in my life.
Im heading back to Hawaii in a few weeks....I just need to get out of this town and all the frustrations at my job. I need time to collect myself and get my shit back together.
All of this.....because of some shithead that thought it would be hilarious to violate me. I tell myself to just brush it off and get over it.....and most of the time I can. And honestly this idiot isnt what keeps me awake at night. My disgust with the NOPD and the DA's office is really what gets at me all the time......and I wouldnt have this disgust for them had it not been for this shithead. I could care less if my rapist is dead or alive, he did what he did....now he and his friends have to live knowing that. I can live knowing that if I ever happen to bump in to him that he will be killed by my hands and I will accept punishment for it. I can also live with me never bumping into him and moving on with my life in as normal way as I can.
He also has to live with knowing that one day, I will show up in whatever town he happens to be living in at the time.
I still cant sleep. It is 11:43 PM and I am still up. Thoughts replaying in my mind.
There has to be a reason I am on this earth. I should have died back in August, but I didnt. I find it hard to imagine a world that would save me from death for the sole purpose of having me raped in September.
There has to be something more, I could really use finding out just what that is soon because I am slowly losing all hope. I am angry, I am sad, I am beyond disgusted that I have made absolutely no impact on how the NOPD handles rape victims and their cases. I have accomplished nothing, in putting my rape out in public to educate anyone and everyone that will listen.
I take that back, I have accomplished something. In my writing as my way of self therapy, I was able to keep myself alive. I was able to not successfully kill myself , though it wasnt for lack of trying.
I am growing more and more disgusted with the NOPD and the DA's office.
It is still eating at me that not a single officer left me a number to which I could contact them, So that when I got out of the hospital after all my testing I could call. I had to call precinct to precinct and no one could help, no one could even connect me to any department i would need to speak with.
The only way I got a phone number for an officer was when I was back in the hospital having more pictures taken of new bruises that were showing up. I started asking how I could contact people, and no one seemed to have a clue. Luckily a nurse was able to get me a number.
But seriously, how does that happen?
And another thing that keeps eating away at me is the Asst. DA. Mary Glass or whatever her name was.
In summary, what she told me was that I wasnt raped because I wasnt in my bedroom, in my own residence.
So everyone be aware, if you are sexually assaulted in a friends house, according to this fine Asst. DA, you are not a victim of rape.
And the NOPD being as fine as they are, will let your rapist fly back home to Arizona the very next day....without informing you that your rapist is still out there and not being held.
I am no longer afraid of people in public that have a resemblance to any of the guys....truth be told the only face I remember anymore is Kevins.....but when you have an interest in someone, you tend to remember their face....So I am going to probably have to struggle with that the rest of my life....however long or short that may end up being.
My life isnt what it used to be. It isnt as fun, there is a lot less laughter. I deal with things that frustrate me by lashing out at people now. I still travel, but even that has lost its appeal to me.
I had my trip to Vegas back in early april and I didnt have fun. I was in bed by 9 pm friday and saturday nights because I didnt feel like doing anything, in a city that I loved so much at one point in my life.
Im heading back to Hawaii in a few weeks....I just need to get out of this town and all the frustrations at my job. I need time to collect myself and get my shit back together.
All of this.....because of some shithead that thought it would be hilarious to violate me. I tell myself to just brush it off and get over it.....and most of the time I can. And honestly this idiot isnt what keeps me awake at night. My disgust with the NOPD and the DA's office is really what gets at me all the time......and I wouldnt have this disgust for them had it not been for this shithead. I could care less if my rapist is dead or alive, he did what he did....now he and his friends have to live knowing that. I can live knowing that if I ever happen to bump in to him that he will be killed by my hands and I will accept punishment for it. I can also live with me never bumping into him and moving on with my life in as normal way as I can.
He also has to live with knowing that one day, I will show up in whatever town he happens to be living in at the time.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Trying to keep it together
April 16 2011
Its been a while.
Dont know if anyone reads this anymore.
Im having a bit of a rough time. No idea why.
I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself is the thought of disappointing my family.
I have been fine for quite a bit now. Ive still had the thoughts in the back of my mind.....but nothing overly significant. Nothing to keep me from living my life as normal as possible. I'll be honest. There were a few days where my rape didnt pop into my head more than twice in a day.
All of a sudden my mind has started racing again. Mostly at night, when I dont have anything to focus on.
I have had severe lack of sleep over the past week. Its starting to take its toll. Im exhausted. Im run down. Im crying for what seems to be no reason at all.
Im usually fine being alone. I prefer it that way, but lately , with this lack of sleep, Ive been getting that pit back in my stomach. I have no one to talk to any more. ...not that I really talked about what happened in the first place....
I thought I was over this. I thought I had put everything behind me. To be honest....right now, whats really bothering me and causing my mind to race is the lack of competency of the NOPD and the DA's office. I dont know what actually was more of a violation, my rape, or the lack of effort/respect/competency of these two departments that are supposed to serve and protect. I honestly think I feel more violated by our so called "justice system" than the so called "man" that raped me.
I have everything to live for. I have a great life. My rapist could have taken that away from me....I have tried to kill myself on more than one occasion....but now, its more the thought of the NOPD and the DA's office that makes me sick to my stomach. The thoughts of those departments are what keeps me awake at night.
I have accepted that I was raped. I have accepted that I was both physically and mentally assaulted by an insignificant "man" with the most ridiculous hair I have ever seen. I have come to terms with that.
What I cant come to terms with is that not only was I physically raped by another "human being" but I have been emotionally raped by two departments that were supposed to protect me. Two departments that were supposed to uphold the law and protect victims.
I cant explain why all of this is hitting me right now....then again I cant really explain anything that has happened since late September. But maybe for now I will need to get back to writing.....to keep me alive.
Writing... to get through my rape, because clearly, as much as I thought I had gotten over everything, I have come right back into the emotional disaster I was in when it first happened.
Thanks for listening.
Its been a while.
Dont know if anyone reads this anymore.
Im having a bit of a rough time. No idea why.
I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself is the thought of disappointing my family.
I have been fine for quite a bit now. Ive still had the thoughts in the back of my mind.....but nothing overly significant. Nothing to keep me from living my life as normal as possible. I'll be honest. There were a few days where my rape didnt pop into my head more than twice in a day.
All of a sudden my mind has started racing again. Mostly at night, when I dont have anything to focus on.
I have had severe lack of sleep over the past week. Its starting to take its toll. Im exhausted. Im run down. Im crying for what seems to be no reason at all.
Im usually fine being alone. I prefer it that way, but lately , with this lack of sleep, Ive been getting that pit back in my stomach. I have no one to talk to any more. ...not that I really talked about what happened in the first place....
I thought I was over this. I thought I had put everything behind me. To be honest....right now, whats really bothering me and causing my mind to race is the lack of competency of the NOPD and the DA's office. I dont know what actually was more of a violation, my rape, or the lack of effort/respect/competency of these two departments that are supposed to serve and protect. I honestly think I feel more violated by our so called "justice system" than the so called "man" that raped me.
I have everything to live for. I have a great life. My rapist could have taken that away from me....I have tried to kill myself on more than one occasion....but now, its more the thought of the NOPD and the DA's office that makes me sick to my stomach. The thoughts of those departments are what keeps me awake at night.
I have accepted that I was raped. I have accepted that I was both physically and mentally assaulted by an insignificant "man" with the most ridiculous hair I have ever seen. I have come to terms with that.
What I cant come to terms with is that not only was I physically raped by another "human being" but I have been emotionally raped by two departments that were supposed to protect me. Two departments that were supposed to uphold the law and protect victims.
I cant explain why all of this is hitting me right now....then again I cant really explain anything that has happened since late September. But maybe for now I will need to get back to writing.....to keep me alive.
Writing... to get through my rape, because clearly, as much as I thought I had gotten over everything, I have come right back into the emotional disaster I was in when it first happened.
Thanks for listening.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Hey Strangers
Monday 3/7/11-
I cant even remember the last time I posted...It has been quite a while. My best guess is early February when I had my breakdown after my vacation to Hawaii.
You can probably tell by my lack of writing I am doing better. I think the jet lag and exhaustion were just a little too much for me and severely heightened my emotions.
I can tell you there are 2 main reasons my writing has stopped....One, incredibly more significant than the other.
First- My ex reads this blog like it is the air he breathes. He read it daily when we were together, so Im sure, now that we are apart, he reads to find out how I am doing and what is going on in my life. We dont speak at all anymore....we had a difference in opinion on some things and I decided I couldnt have him in my life anymore.....he was very emotional about a lot of things, and in all honesty I am being selfish because I just dont have it in me to care or worry about anyone but myself. So one thing leads to another and I dont speak with him......and I also really dont want him knowing what is going on in my life.....So I stopped writing. He is not the only reason for my break from the world of blogging though. ...... trust me, Ive my emotions hadnt somewhat stabilized I would still write despite his unseemingly endless need to know my life.
Second- and most important reason-
I remember, back when I first started posting everything, one of my biggest questions is why don't more victims get their stories out there? Why dont rape victims post their experience to the world so others in the same position can be helped......... Im pretty sure I have my answer.
Good things start to happen again. Life doesnt stop (although there where a few times in which i tried to make it) - In all reality, the good things in life never stopped......I just couldnt see the good in them. I couldnt see through my anger, rage , sadness etc, ..that good things were still happening, they were just another annoyance in a day I was just doing my best to get through. But somewhere after my breakdown in early February things started to change. I got myself back together, regained my composure and got on with my life. I started to recognize that good things were happening, i wasnt just seeing them as a part of everyday life that were meaningless and annoying anymore.
That heavy pit in my chest isnt there all that much anymore. I cant remember the last time I had to take an ativan...or the last time I even had a panic attack. I started getting out of the house more. Ive met some new people that turned out to be pretty ok. Somewhere, in the cold, snowy winter I found myself getting out of the house and surrounding myself with people.....I actually go out to dinner some nights now...not a huge accomplishment but hey...... Good things dont stop, victims just stop noticing them. For me, I finally stopped ignoring them and Im starting to enjoy my life again...I know there will be times where I relapse into thinking this world is shit, but for now, I am going to take this new found happiness and run as far with it as I can.......
Which leads me back to my lack of writing- I used writing as a coping mechanism. Something to get me through those days that I didnt necessarily want to make it through. Writing was my way to survive....and I hope that posting what I went through was able to help even just one person. I hope more rape victims will do what I have done and post everything they are going through....it brings awareness.....
But now, when I am doing well, I dont feel the need to write. Writing now, just brings me back to that dark place. Its time to move on......I now understand why the few rape victims that have posted, dont post continuously....its just a sad reminder. I will now join them. I will randomly post, when I am having my dark days and need an outlet....but I dont need this blog to help me right now. It will always be here on those days I need to vent.....but right now, it serves mostly as a reminder....and right now I dont need a reminder....my rape is in my head every day......but every day it just gets buried deeper and deeper and I am ok with that.
There is no sense in blogging if it is just going to take me back to that place.
Thank you to all that have read this, and to all that supported me through the worst time in my life. Its time I stop living in my past when everything seems to be getting brighter for me right now. As I previously said,
this is my last post.....until I have a day when I feel I need to use my words to survive. If I no longer have to think of what I am going to post in my blog, I can start moving on with one less reminder of my rape.
So goodbye, hopefully for a while- and thanks again :)
I cant even remember the last time I posted...It has been quite a while. My best guess is early February when I had my breakdown after my vacation to Hawaii.
You can probably tell by my lack of writing I am doing better. I think the jet lag and exhaustion were just a little too much for me and severely heightened my emotions.
I can tell you there are 2 main reasons my writing has stopped....One, incredibly more significant than the other.
First- My ex reads this blog like it is the air he breathes. He read it daily when we were together, so Im sure, now that we are apart, he reads to find out how I am doing and what is going on in my life. We dont speak at all anymore....we had a difference in opinion on some things and I decided I couldnt have him in my life anymore.....he was very emotional about a lot of things, and in all honesty I am being selfish because I just dont have it in me to care or worry about anyone but myself. So one thing leads to another and I dont speak with him......and I also really dont want him knowing what is going on in my life.....So I stopped writing. He is not the only reason for my break from the world of blogging though. ...... trust me, Ive my emotions hadnt somewhat stabilized I would still write despite his unseemingly endless need to know my life.
Second- and most important reason-
I remember, back when I first started posting everything, one of my biggest questions is why don't more victims get their stories out there? Why dont rape victims post their experience to the world so others in the same position can be helped......... Im pretty sure I have my answer.
Good things start to happen again. Life doesnt stop (although there where a few times in which i tried to make it) - In all reality, the good things in life never stopped......I just couldnt see the good in them. I couldnt see through my anger, rage , sadness etc, ..that good things were still happening, they were just another annoyance in a day I was just doing my best to get through. But somewhere after my breakdown in early February things started to change. I got myself back together, regained my composure and got on with my life. I started to recognize that good things were happening, i wasnt just seeing them as a part of everyday life that were meaningless and annoying anymore.
That heavy pit in my chest isnt there all that much anymore. I cant remember the last time I had to take an ativan...or the last time I even had a panic attack. I started getting out of the house more. Ive met some new people that turned out to be pretty ok. Somewhere, in the cold, snowy winter I found myself getting out of the house and surrounding myself with people.....I actually go out to dinner some nights now...not a huge accomplishment but hey...... Good things dont stop, victims just stop noticing them. For me, I finally stopped ignoring them and Im starting to enjoy my life again...I know there will be times where I relapse into thinking this world is shit, but for now, I am going to take this new found happiness and run as far with it as I can.......
Which leads me back to my lack of writing- I used writing as a coping mechanism. Something to get me through those days that I didnt necessarily want to make it through. Writing was my way to survive....and I hope that posting what I went through was able to help even just one person. I hope more rape victims will do what I have done and post everything they are going through....it brings awareness.....
But now, when I am doing well, I dont feel the need to write. Writing now, just brings me back to that dark place. Its time to move on......I now understand why the few rape victims that have posted, dont post continuously....its just a sad reminder. I will now join them. I will randomly post, when I am having my dark days and need an outlet....but I dont need this blog to help me right now. It will always be here on those days I need to vent.....but right now, it serves mostly as a reminder....and right now I dont need a reminder....my rape is in my head every day......but every day it just gets buried deeper and deeper and I am ok with that.
There is no sense in blogging if it is just going to take me back to that place.
Thank you to all that have read this, and to all that supported me through the worst time in my life. Its time I stop living in my past when everything seems to be getting brighter for me right now. As I previously said,
this is my last post.....until I have a day when I feel I need to use my words to survive. If I no longer have to think of what I am going to post in my blog, I can start moving on with one less reminder of my rape.
So goodbye, hopefully for a while- and thanks again :)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Back to Stability
Mon Feb 14 2011 5:03 PM
Finally feeling back to "myself" (whatever that is ) again. I am well aware that there are probably 8 versions of myself by now...but at least I am back to one where my emotions are under control and I am laughing again.
Nothing happened to make me feel better, I just slowly started to become less angry, less frustrated and a little more tolerant.
My best friend and I dont work in the same office anymore, I cant remember if I brought that up. I dont see her all that often, and with the way I had been feeling I pretty much just pushed her completely out of my life. I didnt feel like doing anything, which pretty much meant me telling her no all of the time if she wanted to do something. I know she was getting frustrated and worried, she'd ask how I was doing every so often, let me know she was still there when I was ready..........I finally let her come over to the house last Friday, I had gone back and forth but finally settled that it might not be the best thing to cut everyone I know out of my life.
We had planned on just relaxing and watching movies, instead we sat in the kitchen (which for some reason everyone just tends to do at my house) and talked for hours. I bitched about a few things, I let her bitch about a few too. We got into a little bit of planning for Vegas.....I am a little more excited about going now.
She reads my blog so of course she had some questions.....we definitely had a good time laughing about my irrational fear of bearded men.
Overall, the night wasnt bad and I was glad I kept the plans.
On a side note, I wanted to download pictures from my vacation to my computer.....and I clearly didnt think that through.......picture from New Orleans back in September are on there. Reminders, but not detrimental. I actually had an idea pop into my head and I am struggling with it. I emailed all of the pictures to my cell phone. I have pictures of each guy from the first night now readily available to post on twitter in hopes that someone will recognize them, read my story, know my rapist, and decide to give me a little information.
The question becomes, do I poke the bear? Before my most recent melt down, I was doing better than I could have ever imagined......I wasnt doing anything regarding filing a civil suit or finding out more information. I was doing well. Do I stir things back up? I clearly wasnt 100% better seeing how I had a complete mental breakdown last week.....so do I keep fighting? or do I decide to start ignoring it again and re-start the healing process?
I remember saying that words are powerful......pictures are too......someone may not be tying the pieces together...maybe they know the name but somehow still arent sure.... maybe if they see the picture of Kevin , Mike, Paul, Mac, Matt and Don they will realize I have been talking about their friend all along.....maybe they will know this individual that felt it appropriate to rape me.
The question.......do I keep trying?
Finally feeling back to "myself" (whatever that is ) again. I am well aware that there are probably 8 versions of myself by now...but at least I am back to one where my emotions are under control and I am laughing again.
Nothing happened to make me feel better, I just slowly started to become less angry, less frustrated and a little more tolerant.
My best friend and I dont work in the same office anymore, I cant remember if I brought that up. I dont see her all that often, and with the way I had been feeling I pretty much just pushed her completely out of my life. I didnt feel like doing anything, which pretty much meant me telling her no all of the time if she wanted to do something. I know she was getting frustrated and worried, she'd ask how I was doing every so often, let me know she was still there when I was ready..........I finally let her come over to the house last Friday, I had gone back and forth but finally settled that it might not be the best thing to cut everyone I know out of my life.
We had planned on just relaxing and watching movies, instead we sat in the kitchen (which for some reason everyone just tends to do at my house) and talked for hours. I bitched about a few things, I let her bitch about a few too. We got into a little bit of planning for Vegas.....I am a little more excited about going now.
She reads my blog so of course she had some questions.....we definitely had a good time laughing about my irrational fear of bearded men.
Overall, the night wasnt bad and I was glad I kept the plans.
On a side note, I wanted to download pictures from my vacation to my computer.....and I clearly didnt think that through.......picture from New Orleans back in September are on there. Reminders, but not detrimental. I actually had an idea pop into my head and I am struggling with it. I emailed all of the pictures to my cell phone. I have pictures of each guy from the first night now readily available to post on twitter in hopes that someone will recognize them, read my story, know my rapist, and decide to give me a little information.
The question becomes, do I poke the bear? Before my most recent melt down, I was doing better than I could have ever imagined......I wasnt doing anything regarding filing a civil suit or finding out more information. I was doing well. Do I stir things back up? I clearly wasnt 100% better seeing how I had a complete mental breakdown last week.....so do I keep fighting? or do I decide to start ignoring it again and re-start the healing process?
I remember saying that words are powerful......pictures are too......someone may not be tying the pieces together...maybe they know the name but somehow still arent sure.... maybe if they see the picture of Kevin , Mike, Paul, Mac, Matt and Don they will realize I have been talking about their friend all along.....maybe they will know this individual that felt it appropriate to rape me.
The question.......do I keep trying?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sorry
Monday Feb 7 ,, 2011 9:23pm
Sorry about the freak out.....im calm now. Nothing a few ativan and an ambien cant handle. At least I feel like i can sleep now.
Goodnite
Sorry about the freak out.....im calm now. Nothing a few ativan and an ambien cant handle. At least I feel like i can sleep now.
Goodnite
Im a Mess
Monday Feb 7, 2011 8:00 PM
i am a complete mess. I cant remember the last time I felt this annoyed, angry, frustrated, exhausted and worthless. I would be lying if I said the thought of killing myself havent been crossing my mind again.
I have no idea what has brought all of this on but I am such a mess. I was doing so well, I dont understand how this can be happening again.
i am a complete mess. I cant remember the last time I felt this annoyed, angry, frustrated, exhausted and worthless. I would be lying if I said the thought of killing myself havent been crossing my mind again.
I have no idea what has brought all of this on but I am such a mess. I was doing so well, I dont understand how this can be happening again.
When Im depressed....I write....I guess
6:32 PM Mon Feb 7th
Cant get my head to stop spinning yet, so getting to be wasnt as easy as I imagined. So I guess I will talk about the rest of my trip.....there really isnt all that much left except thoughts and feelings, but whatever, im depressed and apparently overly emotional right now , so deal with it or stop reading right?
There were few and far between times in which my rape and surrounding events entered my mind on vacation. The first, as I have already written about was on the plane. Nothing too crazy, nothing out of control. The second occasion (which is actually multiple occasions just classified under one subject) would be my seemingly new irrational fear of men with beards. Just reminders but none the less cause my heart to jump thinking they were there and going to try to do something to me. Onto the third occasion...and I remember it clearly.
I was laying on the beach and had gotten a text from back home about the awful snow they were getting....so I in turn took a picture of the sun shining and the closest palm tree I could find and sent it to them. Then I had gotten onto twitter and found a friend that had gone through a similar experience was having a really hard time.....I felt terrible, there I was, surrounded by distraction, and there she was, having a difficult time and not sure how she was going to get through it. I sent her a picture of a Hawaiian flower to let her know I was thinking about her and there if she needed me. She responded that I had no idea how much that meant to her and how it came at the total right time. Its the small things sometimes that help the most. I did the only thing I could do and tried to brighten her day.....I know that sometimes with me, even the smallest things would help... I then sent her a picture of a penguin I named P. Diddy to try to get her to laugh. I do not know this woman all that well, but we are connected and we understand eachother. Im glad I could be there for her.
Those were the only 3 occasions my thoughts were able to linger back to those days in the end of September/early October.
I did however find myself with another emotional issue. While laying on the beach, listening to music I was reminded of my upcoming trip to Vegas. Should be something I am very excited for, and I was....but then I let my mind run and get the best of me. I have been in love with this man that lives in California since the moment I met him a year and a half ago. It was the perfect relationship for me because I hate being around people in general, so when we did get to see eachother it was great...every few months we would get to see eachother. Vegas was our city. Im not really sure what went on, Im a assuming he found someone else, but we stopped seeing eachother a while ago.
I have never been to Vegas without him. Im almost positive the only reason I loved that city so much was because I was there with him. When I thought things were ending with us, I did make a trip out to Vegas by myself, just to see if the city would be the same....it wasnt. I told him that, we worked through whatever and a few months later we were back in Vegas together and the city was amazing again.
Now, I have plans for my best friends 30th birthday to go out there.....I havent spoken to this man in a few months now. He knows when I am going. Truth is I want him there. Im scared that I am going to ruin my best friends trip because I wont be able to make the best of it and Im going to be stuck dwelling on the past.
Im not sure how its possible that I can still be as in love with this guy as I was the first day I met him, but I am. I guess theres always that one person in your life that you can never truly get over. He is my person.
Most of me hopes he surprises me and shows up in Vegas, but theres that part of me that has been pretty hurt and doesnt want to let him back in my life because he will only disappear again.
This is where smart girls are stupid girls. You can be of the highest intelligence in everything in life, but there is always one person that makes you stupid. One person that, despite all of your common sense and focus on reality, will make you look like a complete fool. One person that you will not be willing to give up on.
So long story short, Vegas isnt Vegas without the love of my life......and seeing how im hypersensative and emotional thanks to my rape....my feelings are jumping out all over the place messing up what should be a great weekend with friends.
And with that, its bed time- I will talk about the plane trip home tomorrow :) good night all
Cant get my head to stop spinning yet, so getting to be wasnt as easy as I imagined. So I guess I will talk about the rest of my trip.....there really isnt all that much left except thoughts and feelings, but whatever, im depressed and apparently overly emotional right now , so deal with it or stop reading right?
There were few and far between times in which my rape and surrounding events entered my mind on vacation. The first, as I have already written about was on the plane. Nothing too crazy, nothing out of control. The second occasion (which is actually multiple occasions just classified under one subject) would be my seemingly new irrational fear of men with beards. Just reminders but none the less cause my heart to jump thinking they were there and going to try to do something to me. Onto the third occasion...and I remember it clearly.
I was laying on the beach and had gotten a text from back home about the awful snow they were getting....so I in turn took a picture of the sun shining and the closest palm tree I could find and sent it to them. Then I had gotten onto twitter and found a friend that had gone through a similar experience was having a really hard time.....I felt terrible, there I was, surrounded by distraction, and there she was, having a difficult time and not sure how she was going to get through it. I sent her a picture of a Hawaiian flower to let her know I was thinking about her and there if she needed me. She responded that I had no idea how much that meant to her and how it came at the total right time. Its the small things sometimes that help the most. I did the only thing I could do and tried to brighten her day.....I know that sometimes with me, even the smallest things would help... I then sent her a picture of a penguin I named P. Diddy to try to get her to laugh. I do not know this woman all that well, but we are connected and we understand eachother. Im glad I could be there for her.
Those were the only 3 occasions my thoughts were able to linger back to those days in the end of September/early October.
I did however find myself with another emotional issue. While laying on the beach, listening to music I was reminded of my upcoming trip to Vegas. Should be something I am very excited for, and I was....but then I let my mind run and get the best of me. I have been in love with this man that lives in California since the moment I met him a year and a half ago. It was the perfect relationship for me because I hate being around people in general, so when we did get to see eachother it was great...every few months we would get to see eachother. Vegas was our city. Im not really sure what went on, Im a assuming he found someone else, but we stopped seeing eachother a while ago.
I have never been to Vegas without him. Im almost positive the only reason I loved that city so much was because I was there with him. When I thought things were ending with us, I did make a trip out to Vegas by myself, just to see if the city would be the same....it wasnt. I told him that, we worked through whatever and a few months later we were back in Vegas together and the city was amazing again.
Now, I have plans for my best friends 30th birthday to go out there.....I havent spoken to this man in a few months now. He knows when I am going. Truth is I want him there. Im scared that I am going to ruin my best friends trip because I wont be able to make the best of it and Im going to be stuck dwelling on the past.
Im not sure how its possible that I can still be as in love with this guy as I was the first day I met him, but I am. I guess theres always that one person in your life that you can never truly get over. He is my person.
Most of me hopes he surprises me and shows up in Vegas, but theres that part of me that has been pretty hurt and doesnt want to let him back in my life because he will only disappear again.
This is where smart girls are stupid girls. You can be of the highest intelligence in everything in life, but there is always one person that makes you stupid. One person that, despite all of your common sense and focus on reality, will make you look like a complete fool. One person that you will not be willing to give up on.
So long story short, Vegas isnt Vegas without the love of my life......and seeing how im hypersensative and emotional thanks to my rape....my feelings are jumping out all over the place messing up what should be a great weekend with friends.
And with that, its bed time- I will talk about the plane trip home tomorrow :) good night all
Doing Slightly better
Mon Feb 7 2011 5:44
Went to the gym to burn off a little bit of steam.....which is funny because I have no energy, no will to do anything,I am depressed, sick and just plain worn out. But i needed to do something to get my mind back into some sort of non-chaotic state.
Im not really even sure how I ended up at the gym....I just got in my car and drove around.
Anyway, im still exhausted and worn down....but at least im not a balling mess anymore. Now im just mostly annoyed......im not even sure what exactly it is that I am annoyed at, but im annoyed.
Maybe talking about my vacation will help me get back into a better mood.
Anyway, we got to see all the probowl players all around town. I did have quite of a mood swing at one point. On the Saturday before the probowl, they close down one of the main streets in Waikiki for a Probowl block party. My friends and I had gotten to it, walked a quick walk through and then.....nothing....seriously. We stood around in a little circle asking eachother what they wanted to do....im not kidding. After about 5 minutes I got so frickin annoyed I told them to have fun I was going back to the hotel. And thats what I did, like an oversized 5 year old , i walked off in a huff, all the way down the main drag, then down to the beach and walked the beach back to the hotel. Something that should have been so much fun was completely ruined because my mood can snap in 2 seconds. Apparently they need me around to have fun because about a half hour later they showed up back at the hotel.
Which really pisses me off. I enjoy going on vacation with friends and family, but if I want to go do something by myself, its almost impossible because somehow I seem to be the center of their universe when it comes to what to do. If i dont want to do something they dont, or if I do want to do something they are all over it. If we decide we are going to do something and last minute I change my mind, but tell them to just go ahead....they stay.....Its pretty f-ing annoying......I know im hilarious to be around and all but come on!
Sunday was the probowl and it was the perfect day for it. It was pouring rain for about 2 hours before the game, so I wouldnt have been able to lay on the beach anyway. The rain stopped right before the game and we all had a blast.....surprisingly to me, the stadium looked to be almost completely sold out.....a huge change from 2 and 3 years prior when I had gone. Cell phones didnt work all that well in the stadium either, but all that did was save me and my friends an overload of pictures trying to make them jealous i was in Hawaii.
Monday was a good day. Early in the morning Scott Caan was filming for Hawaii 5-0 by the Lagoon at our Hotel. Got to take a few pictures then went off to relax on the beach. Later that night we were driving back into the hotel and we saw Scott on his cell phone, seemed like he was arguing with someone.....all I could do was laugh, because if you watch the show.....the arm moves were uncanny......he doesnt act when he uses those arm movements...i think its just some sort of natural spasm he has when he interacts with people. He is a very visual actor and im pretty sure that just translates from how he is in real life.
Tuesday we got to see both Scott and Alex filming at our hotel. Its so strange to see because they just keep doing the same scene, over and over again...with hundreds of spectators on the sideline watching them. It was like they were an exhibit at the zoo. It was really amazing to see how the actors interacted with the crew, and the extras. I was pleasantly surprised to see Alex O'Loughlin on set. He was always smiling and making jokes. He was talking to everyone on set and just seemed incredibly laid back and playful. Its very refreshing to see something like that. Scott had his moments where he would jokingly harass a few people that were in the scene.....he even bowed for cheers from the crowd when the only portion of the scene he was filming was him walking next to a pool talking on a cell phone.
Later that night we got to see them filming the rest of the scene with Dane Cook who is playing Scotts brother on the show. At first I didnt recognize him, he lost a little weight and his face was a lot thinner. I dont think I was able to get a picture of him though. He was surprisingly quiet on the set. Just there working and quietly joking around with the cast.
Unfortunately Grace Park and Daniel Dae Kim werent filming that day so I didnt get to see them. I would have loved to see Grace though....love her. The episode was episode 17 I believe slated to air maybe mid march - title Loa Aloha.....I think....dont quote me on that one.
But anyway....that was a great distraction to have while on vacation. I had never seen filming up close like that.
well its 6:07 and im feeling a bit better after reflecting on my vacation, but im still a bit depressed so im off to bed.
Goodnight- Hope all is well
Went to the gym to burn off a little bit of steam.....which is funny because I have no energy, no will to do anything,I am depressed, sick and just plain worn out. But i needed to do something to get my mind back into some sort of non-chaotic state.
Im not really even sure how I ended up at the gym....I just got in my car and drove around.
Anyway, im still exhausted and worn down....but at least im not a balling mess anymore. Now im just mostly annoyed......im not even sure what exactly it is that I am annoyed at, but im annoyed.
Maybe talking about my vacation will help me get back into a better mood.
Anyway, we got to see all the probowl players all around town. I did have quite of a mood swing at one point. On the Saturday before the probowl, they close down one of the main streets in Waikiki for a Probowl block party. My friends and I had gotten to it, walked a quick walk through and then.....nothing....seriously. We stood around in a little circle asking eachother what they wanted to do....im not kidding. After about 5 minutes I got so frickin annoyed I told them to have fun I was going back to the hotel. And thats what I did, like an oversized 5 year old , i walked off in a huff, all the way down the main drag, then down to the beach and walked the beach back to the hotel. Something that should have been so much fun was completely ruined because my mood can snap in 2 seconds. Apparently they need me around to have fun because about a half hour later they showed up back at the hotel.
Which really pisses me off. I enjoy going on vacation with friends and family, but if I want to go do something by myself, its almost impossible because somehow I seem to be the center of their universe when it comes to what to do. If i dont want to do something they dont, or if I do want to do something they are all over it. If we decide we are going to do something and last minute I change my mind, but tell them to just go ahead....they stay.....Its pretty f-ing annoying......I know im hilarious to be around and all but come on!
Sunday was the probowl and it was the perfect day for it. It was pouring rain for about 2 hours before the game, so I wouldnt have been able to lay on the beach anyway. The rain stopped right before the game and we all had a blast.....surprisingly to me, the stadium looked to be almost completely sold out.....a huge change from 2 and 3 years prior when I had gone. Cell phones didnt work all that well in the stadium either, but all that did was save me and my friends an overload of pictures trying to make them jealous i was in Hawaii.
Monday was a good day. Early in the morning Scott Caan was filming for Hawaii 5-0 by the Lagoon at our Hotel. Got to take a few pictures then went off to relax on the beach. Later that night we were driving back into the hotel and we saw Scott on his cell phone, seemed like he was arguing with someone.....all I could do was laugh, because if you watch the show.....the arm moves were uncanny......he doesnt act when he uses those arm movements...i think its just some sort of natural spasm he has when he interacts with people. He is a very visual actor and im pretty sure that just translates from how he is in real life.
Tuesday we got to see both Scott and Alex filming at our hotel. Its so strange to see because they just keep doing the same scene, over and over again...with hundreds of spectators on the sideline watching them. It was like they were an exhibit at the zoo. It was really amazing to see how the actors interacted with the crew, and the extras. I was pleasantly surprised to see Alex O'Loughlin on set. He was always smiling and making jokes. He was talking to everyone on set and just seemed incredibly laid back and playful. Its very refreshing to see something like that. Scott had his moments where he would jokingly harass a few people that were in the scene.....he even bowed for cheers from the crowd when the only portion of the scene he was filming was him walking next to a pool talking on a cell phone.
Later that night we got to see them filming the rest of the scene with Dane Cook who is playing Scotts brother on the show. At first I didnt recognize him, he lost a little weight and his face was a lot thinner. I dont think I was able to get a picture of him though. He was surprisingly quiet on the set. Just there working and quietly joking around with the cast.
Unfortunately Grace Park and Daniel Dae Kim werent filming that day so I didnt get to see them. I would have loved to see Grace though....love her. The episode was episode 17 I believe slated to air maybe mid march - title Loa Aloha.....I think....dont quote me on that one.
But anyway....that was a great distraction to have while on vacation. I had never seen filming up close like that.
well its 6:07 and im feeling a bit better after reflecting on my vacation, but im still a bit depressed so im off to bed.
Goodnight- Hope all is well
Not your average Monday
Monday 2/7/11 3:33 PM
Well when I woke up this morning I had no idea my day was going to end up this way. I mean i knew i had a Dr.s appointment, but thats it.
Well as of about 2:00 this afternoon I am pretty sure I quit my job. Just got fed up and said to hell with it and left. Then I had my annual GYN appointment at 2:30. I wasnt expecting the visit to be so hard.....but I ended up balling my eyes out like some weak, broken , piece of garbage. I had to ask him to run STD testing seeing how the testing was not part of the rape kit. And, what do dr.'s do when you ask for certain testing,...they ask you why it is necessary....and I completely lost my shit. Yet another person in my town that knows I was raped. Awesome. He was very comforting and didnt push me to talk which was great.
Then I had to get up on the exam table....and all the thoughts about the day of my rape came rushing back. I had to get up on that table, again, like when I had to go through the rape kit. It was one of the most emotionally taxing things I have had to go through....and to think, I have to do this once a year for the rest of my life. Once a year, for the rest of my life I am going to be brought back to that sickening place, once a year I am going to have this emotional setback after working so damn hard to get past it.
I guess , no matter how hard you try, and how much you convince yourself that you are doing just fine, there are always going to be those things in life that make you go back to that terrible place and force you to start your healing process all over again.
At least its over, now I can go home and lay in bed the rest of the day.......or longer seeing how I am almost positive I dont have a job, and even if I somehow do, I dont want it. Its a bullshit job where no one takes accountability for their actions or in-actions for that matter.
Im smart, and educated. I am not worried that no one will hire. They will. And if I have to more elsewhere to find a place that will, that is perfectly ok with me.
Well when I woke up this morning I had no idea my day was going to end up this way. I mean i knew i had a Dr.s appointment, but thats it.
Well as of about 2:00 this afternoon I am pretty sure I quit my job. Just got fed up and said to hell with it and left. Then I had my annual GYN appointment at 2:30. I wasnt expecting the visit to be so hard.....but I ended up balling my eyes out like some weak, broken , piece of garbage. I had to ask him to run STD testing seeing how the testing was not part of the rape kit. And, what do dr.'s do when you ask for certain testing,...they ask you why it is necessary....and I completely lost my shit. Yet another person in my town that knows I was raped. Awesome. He was very comforting and didnt push me to talk which was great.
Then I had to get up on the exam table....and all the thoughts about the day of my rape came rushing back. I had to get up on that table, again, like when I had to go through the rape kit. It was one of the most emotionally taxing things I have had to go through....and to think, I have to do this once a year for the rest of my life. Once a year, for the rest of my life I am going to be brought back to that sickening place, once a year I am going to have this emotional setback after working so damn hard to get past it.
I guess , no matter how hard you try, and how much you convince yourself that you are doing just fine, there are always going to be those things in life that make you go back to that terrible place and force you to start your healing process all over again.
At least its over, now I can go home and lay in bed the rest of the day.......or longer seeing how I am almost positive I dont have a job, and even if I somehow do, I dont want it. Its a bullshit job where no one takes accountability for their actions or in-actions for that matter.
Im smart, and educated. I am not worried that no one will hire. They will. And if I have to more elsewhere to find a place that will, that is perfectly ok with me.
Monday Feb 7- Fear of people
12:08 PM
So I worked all day Saturday, but the flying caught up to me so I took Sunday off. Planes are filthy, germ infested places and no matter what you do next to wearing a Haz-mat suit....you are going to catch other peoples colds.
Im a little pissed to tell you the truth. I took vitamin c before the plan, any time i touched anything i used hand sanitizer, etc....yet here I am , with a friggin cold. Its amazing the if people would just do something as simple as wash their hands....they could minimize the spreading of germs......but as many studies have shown, people just dont wash their hands.
My friends and I conducted our own "study" of sorts while we were at dinner in Hawaii. We were sitting in an area where we would hear the massive air hand blowers...these were the hi-tech hand blowers that are incredibly loud and strong and dry your hands in 2.5 seconds. After going to the bathroom in the restaurant, I noticed there were no paper towel dispensers, you use the blowers or your wipe on your pants.
While sitting in this restaurant, we would happen to know anytime anyone left the bathroom as we could hear the blowers. .....we would also see those who tried to sneak out (and by sneak I mean they clearly didnt wash their hands as no noise was heard yet they came from the bathroom)
Congratulations women.....there was only one instance in which a woman exited the rest room and there was no sound....there was also no wiping of hands on pants either.....
Men on the other hand.....on 4 occasions there was no sound upon exiting...however, there were 2 occasions in which the man was seen wiping on his pants. To those other 2 men....you are nasty for multiple reasons. ....you clearly touched your wenis to go to the bathroom, you clearly did not wash your hands. which leads up to the touching of everything around you, including that nice juicy burger you sat down to eat. Congratulations, you have now eaten micro size bits of your penis.
Anyway, to get back to the actual point of this story. Wash your hands and stop spreading germs and every other form of gunk on your hands please and thank you.
SO, on another note.
Vacation was great, I got to do absolutely nothing but lay on the beach 6 of the 7 days I was there. I came home with a phenomenal tan and bleach blond hair. We went to climb diamond head b/c I hadnt done it in years, unfortunately it was closed......no busting out random dance moves on top of the world (or at least a volcano) for me.
Pro Bowl players were all over the beach. Ran into Julius peppers a few times. A few days the defensive line was there too. Assunte Samuel was seen all over the place.
Funny thing, A man that I sat next to on the plane and I got to talking. He and his wife run a few of the YMCA's on the Island. I had told him I was a saints fan and he started telling me how his wife was with Drew Brees helping run a charity event. When we landed in San Fran. he was able to text her and ask him to get a picture of him for me. She did, and so he forwarded it to my email. Its an awesome picture of Drew with a Lei on. Its amazing all kinds of people you meet when you go places.
Thats what I love most about traveling. Any time I go anywhere I make friends with people. I know people that I consider friends in Lousiana, Maryland, Florida, California, Hawaii, North Carolina, Texas...the list goes on and on. As I always say, people are inherently bad, but when you have the opportunity to meet new people and find them to be good, you should always jump at it, as good people unfortunately are a rarity.
Which leads me back to why I befriended Kevin, Paul, Mac, Matt, Don, blah blah blah...they all seemed to be good people....funny, sense of humor, not mean spirited.......then enter my Rapist that had to go ahead and ruin it. Had to go ahead and jump in and prove my point that people are inherently bad. Not only was he a bad person, but he also showed the bad side of Kevin, Paul, Mac, Mike .......Not one of them would help me.....My judgement on those "men" was seriously off.........and now, thanks to my rapist.....I found myself a little more hesitant to make friends while I was on vacation this time.
I found myself afraid to carry on a conversation too long with anyone. I met some truly interesting people. But when it came down to meeting up with them later for a drink or to go surfing...I couldnt bring myself to do it. And it wasnt just men I was afraid to befriend. I met a group of hilarious girls, they wanted to meet up for drinks and dancing later......I decided not to go because dancing would probably lead to meeting men, in which one (i now know it just takes one) could be a bad guy. I still have these girls numbers and we text random jokes to eachother .....but I am really bothered by the fact I had to change who I am because I was raped. I guess I dont feel 100% safe yet.....Im pretty sure I wont ever feel that safe again. Before my rape I would have gone with these girls and had a great time, its amazing how one creep with god-awful hair can change that. And of course, those girls did go out, had a blast and nothing went wrong......my rapist ruined a perfectly good time I could have had. I am hoping in time my trust in people will be renewed.
Anyway, back to work...everything is a mess but I am doing my best to not get stressed over it.
So I worked all day Saturday, but the flying caught up to me so I took Sunday off. Planes are filthy, germ infested places and no matter what you do next to wearing a Haz-mat suit....you are going to catch other peoples colds.
Im a little pissed to tell you the truth. I took vitamin c before the plan, any time i touched anything i used hand sanitizer, etc....yet here I am , with a friggin cold. Its amazing the if people would just do something as simple as wash their hands....they could minimize the spreading of germs......but as many studies have shown, people just dont wash their hands.
My friends and I conducted our own "study" of sorts while we were at dinner in Hawaii. We were sitting in an area where we would hear the massive air hand blowers...these were the hi-tech hand blowers that are incredibly loud and strong and dry your hands in 2.5 seconds. After going to the bathroom in the restaurant, I noticed there were no paper towel dispensers, you use the blowers or your wipe on your pants.
While sitting in this restaurant, we would happen to know anytime anyone left the bathroom as we could hear the blowers. .....we would also see those who tried to sneak out (and by sneak I mean they clearly didnt wash their hands as no noise was heard yet they came from the bathroom)
Congratulations women.....there was only one instance in which a woman exited the rest room and there was no sound....there was also no wiping of hands on pants either.....
Men on the other hand.....on 4 occasions there was no sound upon exiting...however, there were 2 occasions in which the man was seen wiping on his pants. To those other 2 men....you are nasty for multiple reasons. ....you clearly touched your wenis to go to the bathroom, you clearly did not wash your hands. which leads up to the touching of everything around you, including that nice juicy burger you sat down to eat. Congratulations, you have now eaten micro size bits of your penis.
Anyway, to get back to the actual point of this story. Wash your hands and stop spreading germs and every other form of gunk on your hands please and thank you.
SO, on another note.
Vacation was great, I got to do absolutely nothing but lay on the beach 6 of the 7 days I was there. I came home with a phenomenal tan and bleach blond hair. We went to climb diamond head b/c I hadnt done it in years, unfortunately it was closed......no busting out random dance moves on top of the world (or at least a volcano) for me.
Pro Bowl players were all over the beach. Ran into Julius peppers a few times. A few days the defensive line was there too. Assunte Samuel was seen all over the place.
Funny thing, A man that I sat next to on the plane and I got to talking. He and his wife run a few of the YMCA's on the Island. I had told him I was a saints fan and he started telling me how his wife was with Drew Brees helping run a charity event. When we landed in San Fran. he was able to text her and ask him to get a picture of him for me. She did, and so he forwarded it to my email. Its an awesome picture of Drew with a Lei on. Its amazing all kinds of people you meet when you go places.
Thats what I love most about traveling. Any time I go anywhere I make friends with people. I know people that I consider friends in Lousiana, Maryland, Florida, California, Hawaii, North Carolina, Texas...the list goes on and on. As I always say, people are inherently bad, but when you have the opportunity to meet new people and find them to be good, you should always jump at it, as good people unfortunately are a rarity.
Which leads me back to why I befriended Kevin, Paul, Mac, Matt, Don, blah blah blah...they all seemed to be good people....funny, sense of humor, not mean spirited.......then enter my Rapist that had to go ahead and ruin it. Had to go ahead and jump in and prove my point that people are inherently bad. Not only was he a bad person, but he also showed the bad side of Kevin, Paul, Mac, Mike .......Not one of them would help me.....My judgement on those "men" was seriously off.........and now, thanks to my rapist.....I found myself a little more hesitant to make friends while I was on vacation this time.
I found myself afraid to carry on a conversation too long with anyone. I met some truly interesting people. But when it came down to meeting up with them later for a drink or to go surfing...I couldnt bring myself to do it. And it wasnt just men I was afraid to befriend. I met a group of hilarious girls, they wanted to meet up for drinks and dancing later......I decided not to go because dancing would probably lead to meeting men, in which one (i now know it just takes one) could be a bad guy. I still have these girls numbers and we text random jokes to eachother .....but I am really bothered by the fact I had to change who I am because I was raped. I guess I dont feel 100% safe yet.....Im pretty sure I wont ever feel that safe again. Before my rape I would have gone with these girls and had a great time, its amazing how one creep with god-awful hair can change that. And of course, those girls did go out, had a blast and nothing went wrong......my rapist ruined a perfectly good time I could have had. I am hoping in time my trust in people will be renewed.
Anyway, back to work...everything is a mess but I am doing my best to not get stressed over it.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Flight and phobia
2/4/11 7:06 PM
Before I had left, I was worried how I would handle the long flights...being stuck in one place, no exit, with just my thoughts to get the best of me.
Lucky for me, it wasnt all that bad. In total on my way to Hawaii I had 4 different flights, 2 of which were just over an hour, one that was just over 3 and the final one, just under 6....Delta had forgotten to mention in the paperwork that my "direct"flight from Minneapolis to Honolulu stopped in San Francisco ....granted we didnt have to change planes....but im pretty sure the meaning of "direct" means nonstop. Anway,...
I did fine...until the 6 hour flight....but no panic attacks. About halfway through the flight from San Fran. to Honolulu my thoughts started to creep up on me. No racing heart, no feeling like I had to get up and pace....just stupid thoughts about what happened to me and what options I had left. Im not even sure what set my head off......but I was able to calmly work through it.....mainly with sudoku puzzles.....Having to concentrate on something else. The good thing is that I didnt panic, didnt need ativan. I kept myself in control.
I have to admit, I was nervous walking around Waikiki....I know my rapist and his friends read this....and Waikiki is so beyond the meaning of tourist that you could easily find someone. The strange part is.....I would have a little moment of panic any time I saw a man with a thick beard.......its actually pretty hilarious now that im out of the situation...I now have a phobia of bearded men....Kevin had a distinct Chuck Norris-esq beard....so for some reason I would jump a little anytime I saw a man of his body stature with a beard....like he was going to roundhouse my ass or something.
Pretty ridiculous. I think the reasoning behind the brief moments of panic were more that the visual just sent be back to the worst moments of my life.
I think its safe to say, if I ever do decide to date again that he wont be allowed to have a beard.
Back to work....more updates soon
Before I had left, I was worried how I would handle the long flights...being stuck in one place, no exit, with just my thoughts to get the best of me.
Lucky for me, it wasnt all that bad. In total on my way to Hawaii I had 4 different flights, 2 of which were just over an hour, one that was just over 3 and the final one, just under 6....Delta had forgotten to mention in the paperwork that my "direct"flight from Minneapolis to Honolulu stopped in San Francisco ....granted we didnt have to change planes....but im pretty sure the meaning of "direct" means nonstop. Anway,...
I did fine...until the 6 hour flight....but no panic attacks. About halfway through the flight from San Fran. to Honolulu my thoughts started to creep up on me. No racing heart, no feeling like I had to get up and pace....just stupid thoughts about what happened to me and what options I had left. Im not even sure what set my head off......but I was able to calmly work through it.....mainly with sudoku puzzles.....Having to concentrate on something else. The good thing is that I didnt panic, didnt need ativan. I kept myself in control.
I have to admit, I was nervous walking around Waikiki....I know my rapist and his friends read this....and Waikiki is so beyond the meaning of tourist that you could easily find someone. The strange part is.....I would have a little moment of panic any time I saw a man with a thick beard.......its actually pretty hilarious now that im out of the situation...I now have a phobia of bearded men....Kevin had a distinct Chuck Norris-esq beard....so for some reason I would jump a little anytime I saw a man of his body stature with a beard....like he was going to roundhouse my ass or something.
Pretty ridiculous. I think the reasoning behind the brief moments of panic were more that the visual just sent be back to the worst moments of my life.
I think its safe to say, if I ever do decide to date again that he wont be allowed to have a beard.
Back to work....more updates soon
Feb 4
Friday Feb 4 2011 - 4:29 PM
So my first post for Feb is admittedly it is going to be pretty lame.
Quick Notes on what is to come:
I made it to and from Hawaii....without any major damage
Back at work now and of course, came back to a gigantic mess , which is why this posting is so quick and to the point.
As soon as i'm settled more details to come
Just a few words of enticement,
Pro-Bowl
Hawaii 5-0
Made a new friend
Helped a semi-new friend
Hope all is well :)
So my first post for Feb is admittedly it is going to be pretty lame.
Quick Notes on what is to come:
I made it to and from Hawaii....without any major damage
Back at work now and of course, came back to a gigantic mess , which is why this posting is so quick and to the point.
As soon as i'm settled more details to come
Just a few words of enticement,
Pro-Bowl
Hawaii 5-0
Made a new friend
Helped a semi-new friend
Hope all is well :)
Monday, January 24, 2011
Hoping for the Best
Monday 1/24/11 - 6:07 PM
Everything has been pretty quiet lately. I dont have too much to say....shocking I know.
Ive been pretty sick the past few weeks....kidney trouble again. Starting to feel better, hoping to stay that way....a 9 hour flight will not be fun with excruciating back pain.
Im pretty exhausted, and for some reason this time I am super emotional and crying a lot from the frustration with my kidneys. Whats stupid is I went through this last August....when it was probably 5 times worse and didnt shed a tear.....at least due to emotional reasons....pain reasons is a different story. I am just hypersensitive now and I find it to be pretty annoying.
I still think about my rape and the surrounding incidents every day.....definitely not as often as the immediate couple of months....but the thoughts are still there and the frustration is definitely still there. For the most part I am able to just ignore the thoughts when they surface.....but its pretty frustrating to think that this is going to be something I think about every day for the rest of my life.
I havent had a panic attack in quite some time...I dont even remember when my last one was....a little nervous about the flight from Minneapolis to Honolulu though...thats a long time to be trapped in a confined space with pretty much only your thoughts to keep you company....thats a lot of time to keep redirecting your thoughts to other things when nothing new is happening to turn your thoughts to.
Fits of anger are getting fewer and fewer.....I dont remember the last time I actually threw something in a complete rage over minuscule problems.
I actually closed my window a few nights ago. I dont wake up as much in the middle of the night anymore....and the fact that its been in the Negatives temperature wise didnt hurt im sure.
I did end up telling my boss. I had to. Unfortunately I am still an emotional wreck when it comes to forming any words without balling my eyes out (and even then the words are indecipherable) when I try to talk about it that I just wrote it in a letter. And in order to protect myself from the over abundance of emotion from listening to or reading any response to my letter, I told my boss that I would appreciate no response from her. Hearing her thoughts on the matter would just stir up feelings I've tried incredibly hard to bury. She respected that and just informed me she had read what I had to say. Its a little bit of relief that I dont have to come up with excuses to her anymore.
I havent heard back on the report I filed against the detective. I have no idea how long something like that takes to hear back from so Im just going to wait. I filed it online, on the chance it didnt go through I am mailing a copy as well. If it gets handled like everything else did, Im not expecting a response until the end of the year.
Back to work....Thursday cannot come soon enough :) hope everyone is doing well
Everything has been pretty quiet lately. I dont have too much to say....shocking I know.
Ive been pretty sick the past few weeks....kidney trouble again. Starting to feel better, hoping to stay that way....a 9 hour flight will not be fun with excruciating back pain.
Im pretty exhausted, and for some reason this time I am super emotional and crying a lot from the frustration with my kidneys. Whats stupid is I went through this last August....when it was probably 5 times worse and didnt shed a tear.....at least due to emotional reasons....pain reasons is a different story. I am just hypersensitive now and I find it to be pretty annoying.
I still think about my rape and the surrounding incidents every day.....definitely not as often as the immediate couple of months....but the thoughts are still there and the frustration is definitely still there. For the most part I am able to just ignore the thoughts when they surface.....but its pretty frustrating to think that this is going to be something I think about every day for the rest of my life.
I havent had a panic attack in quite some time...I dont even remember when my last one was....a little nervous about the flight from Minneapolis to Honolulu though...thats a long time to be trapped in a confined space with pretty much only your thoughts to keep you company....thats a lot of time to keep redirecting your thoughts to other things when nothing new is happening to turn your thoughts to.
Fits of anger are getting fewer and fewer.....I dont remember the last time I actually threw something in a complete rage over minuscule problems.
I actually closed my window a few nights ago. I dont wake up as much in the middle of the night anymore....and the fact that its been in the Negatives temperature wise didnt hurt im sure.
I did end up telling my boss. I had to. Unfortunately I am still an emotional wreck when it comes to forming any words without balling my eyes out (and even then the words are indecipherable) when I try to talk about it that I just wrote it in a letter. And in order to protect myself from the over abundance of emotion from listening to or reading any response to my letter, I told my boss that I would appreciate no response from her. Hearing her thoughts on the matter would just stir up feelings I've tried incredibly hard to bury. She respected that and just informed me she had read what I had to say. Its a little bit of relief that I dont have to come up with excuses to her anymore.
I havent heard back on the report I filed against the detective. I have no idea how long something like that takes to hear back from so Im just going to wait. I filed it online, on the chance it didnt go through I am mailing a copy as well. If it gets handled like everything else did, Im not expecting a response until the end of the year.
Back to work....Thursday cannot come soon enough :) hope everyone is doing well
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Consider Report Filed
Wed. 1/19/11 11:49 PM
Well, when you cant sleep, you might as well be productive. I have had a lot going on lately. Most recently my boss and I had it out because she thinks I am too territorial over my work. When in the real world is being territorial and proud of your work a bad thing??? I just dont get it. I am doing well, taking charge of more things, but its still not good enough. It was this argument with her today that made me decide I need to tell her I was raped. I need to explain all of the times I have snapped at the smallest things, and why my entire workspace and work production is uncharacteristically in order. I have to explain why I work every weekend and dont come into work until 10 in the morning. I have to explain to her that after being raped, I need to have something to latch onto. I need something to keep me going and focused on something else. I need something that I can be in total control of. I need to be able to implement things and make people compliant. And with this new I can do anything attitude and not taking any bullshit attitude, I am in complete control.....except for the times when my emotion seems to sneak up on me for no reason and makes me snap or puts me to the verge of tears.
I miss my old life. I never had to worry about some stupid emotion pushing its way to the forefront.
But what it comes down to is that my boss saw a complete change in me when I came back from that trip in September, and if I didnt give her a legitimate answer for the change we would probably grow to hate eachother. I trust her enough to respect my privacy and not tell others..... maybe I wont feel as much pressure on me once she knows. Tomorrow I will tell her, and tomorrow I will move on.
As for the report. I filed with the Police Integrity Board against that detective Calhoun (or however you spell it) I had to laugh because the form asks you to identify witnesses.......my only witness was the initial responding officer......he seemed like a decent man, and I feel bad putting him in a situation where he would have to say that the Detective was in the wrong......but the way I was treated by that man was unacceptable and needs to be dealt with. I really hope the responding officer tells the truth .....if he is ever asked......i have come to realize that not many public figures, agencies, etc in New Orleans are willing to put forth much effort.
One task down, next task.....next week......1 cross country flight, a week on the beach and another cross country flight to really consider if I want to file a civil suit, and when I want to do it.
I put in for a job out in Phoenix......should be interesting if I get it
Off to force myself to try to sleep.......I hope you are all doing well
Well, when you cant sleep, you might as well be productive. I have had a lot going on lately. Most recently my boss and I had it out because she thinks I am too territorial over my work. When in the real world is being territorial and proud of your work a bad thing??? I just dont get it. I am doing well, taking charge of more things, but its still not good enough. It was this argument with her today that made me decide I need to tell her I was raped. I need to explain all of the times I have snapped at the smallest things, and why my entire workspace and work production is uncharacteristically in order. I have to explain why I work every weekend and dont come into work until 10 in the morning. I have to explain to her that after being raped, I need to have something to latch onto. I need something to keep me going and focused on something else. I need something that I can be in total control of. I need to be able to implement things and make people compliant. And with this new I can do anything attitude and not taking any bullshit attitude, I am in complete control.....except for the times when my emotion seems to sneak up on me for no reason and makes me snap or puts me to the verge of tears.
I miss my old life. I never had to worry about some stupid emotion pushing its way to the forefront.
But what it comes down to is that my boss saw a complete change in me when I came back from that trip in September, and if I didnt give her a legitimate answer for the change we would probably grow to hate eachother. I trust her enough to respect my privacy and not tell others..... maybe I wont feel as much pressure on me once she knows. Tomorrow I will tell her, and tomorrow I will move on.
As for the report. I filed with the Police Integrity Board against that detective Calhoun (or however you spell it) I had to laugh because the form asks you to identify witnesses.......my only witness was the initial responding officer......he seemed like a decent man, and I feel bad putting him in a situation where he would have to say that the Detective was in the wrong......but the way I was treated by that man was unacceptable and needs to be dealt with. I really hope the responding officer tells the truth .....if he is ever asked......i have come to realize that not many public figures, agencies, etc in New Orleans are willing to put forth much effort.
One task down, next task.....next week......1 cross country flight, a week on the beach and another cross country flight to really consider if I want to file a civil suit, and when I want to do it.
I put in for a job out in Phoenix......should be interesting if I get it
Off to force myself to try to sleep.......I hope you are all doing well
Friday, January 14, 2011
One Giant Leap
Friday 1/14/11 2:33 PM
Last weekend a few friends did something that absolutely mortified me, and while I will actually never know the real truth.....they are no longer my friends.
A few of these people I have been friends with going on 10 years, a few of the others were just acquaintances.
While I cannot completely fault them for their actions, I can hold them responsible. Their actions brought my completely back to my rape. I felt incredibly violated.
I do have to say that I never went into panic mode, never freaked out and started balling my eyes out....I calmly accepted that they did what they did and decided to cut them out of my life.
And to top it off, these people are also friends with my best friend.....whom promptly decided to call me. And dont get me wrong, im sure there was genuine concern.....but I know her....she was calling to be nosey and find out details. I have since cut her out of my life as well....for now.....eventually I can forgive her.
While what was done would be an emotional violation to anyone, having been raped magnified it that much more. As I said, I cant completely fault them, they didnt know I was raped......I can however make a decision to not associate with people that could do what they did to anyone, not just to me.
No. I wont tell you what was done, I dont want people reading this and getting ideas to do it to someone else.
I thought I had gotten over my feelings of total violation and anger......then a "friend" text and started harassing me, making jokes about it.
Heres the Giant Leap:
I told him would he find it as hilarious if he knew I had been raped months prior.
I wish I could have seen the look on his face, his texting quickly changed.
Now its out. This person knows everyone and I live in a pretty small town. The locals will know I have been raped.
The thing is, I really dont care. I feel a little more relief too. Now maybe people will think twice before they do something hurtful to someone else.
I dont have many friends, I think that people are inherently bad and that you should hold on tight to the ones that prove the opposite. Now I have even less and couldnt care less. I dont need people in my life that do things to hurt others....I cant believe it took me almost 10 years to realize that with a few of them.
So. Long story short. Something was done that emotionally violated me, that was magnified times 10 because of my rape. I kicked the sketchy people out of my life. I have admitted to local people that I have been raped. My story is no longer just on the internet, my story is now in my town.....and I am more than ok with that.
I still feel stronger than ever, I am more organized and in control of my life,......I am happy.
Last weekend a few friends did something that absolutely mortified me, and while I will actually never know the real truth.....they are no longer my friends.
A few of these people I have been friends with going on 10 years, a few of the others were just acquaintances.
While I cannot completely fault them for their actions, I can hold them responsible. Their actions brought my completely back to my rape. I felt incredibly violated.
I do have to say that I never went into panic mode, never freaked out and started balling my eyes out....I calmly accepted that they did what they did and decided to cut them out of my life.
And to top it off, these people are also friends with my best friend.....whom promptly decided to call me. And dont get me wrong, im sure there was genuine concern.....but I know her....she was calling to be nosey and find out details. I have since cut her out of my life as well....for now.....eventually I can forgive her.
While what was done would be an emotional violation to anyone, having been raped magnified it that much more. As I said, I cant completely fault them, they didnt know I was raped......I can however make a decision to not associate with people that could do what they did to anyone, not just to me.
No. I wont tell you what was done, I dont want people reading this and getting ideas to do it to someone else.
I thought I had gotten over my feelings of total violation and anger......then a "friend" text and started harassing me, making jokes about it.
Heres the Giant Leap:
I told him would he find it as hilarious if he knew I had been raped months prior.
I wish I could have seen the look on his face, his texting quickly changed.
Now its out. This person knows everyone and I live in a pretty small town. The locals will know I have been raped.
The thing is, I really dont care. I feel a little more relief too. Now maybe people will think twice before they do something hurtful to someone else.
I dont have many friends, I think that people are inherently bad and that you should hold on tight to the ones that prove the opposite. Now I have even less and couldnt care less. I dont need people in my life that do things to hurt others....I cant believe it took me almost 10 years to realize that with a few of them.
So. Long story short. Something was done that emotionally violated me, that was magnified times 10 because of my rape. I kicked the sketchy people out of my life. I have admitted to local people that I have been raped. My story is no longer just on the internet, my story is now in my town.....and I am more than ok with that.
I still feel stronger than ever, I am more organized and in control of my life,......I am happy.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Focus
Tuesday 1/11/11 9:05 PM
Ive been MIA for a bit. Im not sure what I have to say, so I am just going to start writing and see where it goes.
I am getting back to my emotionless self a little bit more and more. I havent had to take an ativan since new years. I feel in control. I have made a bunch of changes at work.....which unfortunately makes more for me to do at work, meaning work has now become my life.
I get up in the morning, Im into work by 10 and leave for the gym around 8 or 9 PM. I do nothing else. This is my life, as a take off from the Jersey Shore kids my life is WGS- work,gym,sleep.
Things that happened from September through December have happened again.....situations that would send me spiraling .......This time while I may get that flutter of anxiety, I am able to move past it and figure a way through whatever it is that comes up.
I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of work I have taken upon myself.....but I am far from panicking.....and when I feel like I am going to, I am able to just sit back, take a few deep breathes and get back into it.
Im finally starting to take the weight I put on, off. I think its a combination of things. With having more to do at work, there is no time to eat.....so I am eating a lot less. Im also making myself go to the gym a minimum of 5 days a week.
Im finding I care more about what I look like than I did before I was raped. I am wearing makeup more, I go out in public in regular pants and not sweats like I used to because I am now afraid they see me as the fat woman in sweats rather that the weird woman thats always out in sweats. I am almost obsessed with getting back down to my base level weight. I find myself caring if people think I am fat, whereas before it wouldnt have bothered me at all. I guess some of it is stemming from me not wanting to be the fat kid in the group on my vacations.
I still get angry very quickly, which didnt happen all that often before my rape....but at least now, that anger doesnt turn into tears and me curling up into a ball.
I am very disappointed in the Saints loss on Saturday.....but the one bonus for me is that I will get to see some of them play in the probowl.
Im sleeping a little better at night, but I still sometimes wake up in a sweat. And yes, my bedroom window is still wide open......even as its heavily snowing with an expected accumulation of 12 inches. If you havent done this before , you need to. Get in your car, find some snowy roads and turn onto streets without hitting your brakes......No joke, feeling your tires slip out from under you is a feeling everyone should get to experience......just make you do it when no cars are around....most times its pretty hard to control.
And my final thought that popped into my head. In looking at what web searches lead people to my sight....."kevin lange and rape" or "kevin Lange and New Orleans" seem to pop up everyday.
Either a lot of people that know him are interested in this, or he has some sort of comlex where he needs to read about himself daily.
Goodnite world......will post again soon :)
Ive been MIA for a bit. Im not sure what I have to say, so I am just going to start writing and see where it goes.
I am getting back to my emotionless self a little bit more and more. I havent had to take an ativan since new years. I feel in control. I have made a bunch of changes at work.....which unfortunately makes more for me to do at work, meaning work has now become my life.
I get up in the morning, Im into work by 10 and leave for the gym around 8 or 9 PM. I do nothing else. This is my life, as a take off from the Jersey Shore kids my life is WGS- work,gym,sleep.
Things that happened from September through December have happened again.....situations that would send me spiraling .......This time while I may get that flutter of anxiety, I am able to move past it and figure a way through whatever it is that comes up.
I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of work I have taken upon myself.....but I am far from panicking.....and when I feel like I am going to, I am able to just sit back, take a few deep breathes and get back into it.
Im finally starting to take the weight I put on, off. I think its a combination of things. With having more to do at work, there is no time to eat.....so I am eating a lot less. Im also making myself go to the gym a minimum of 5 days a week.
Im finding I care more about what I look like than I did before I was raped. I am wearing makeup more, I go out in public in regular pants and not sweats like I used to because I am now afraid they see me as the fat woman in sweats rather that the weird woman thats always out in sweats. I am almost obsessed with getting back down to my base level weight. I find myself caring if people think I am fat, whereas before it wouldnt have bothered me at all. I guess some of it is stemming from me not wanting to be the fat kid in the group on my vacations.
I still get angry very quickly, which didnt happen all that often before my rape....but at least now, that anger doesnt turn into tears and me curling up into a ball.
I am very disappointed in the Saints loss on Saturday.....but the one bonus for me is that I will get to see some of them play in the probowl.
Im sleeping a little better at night, but I still sometimes wake up in a sweat. And yes, my bedroom window is still wide open......even as its heavily snowing with an expected accumulation of 12 inches. If you havent done this before , you need to. Get in your car, find some snowy roads and turn onto streets without hitting your brakes......No joke, feeling your tires slip out from under you is a feeling everyone should get to experience......just make you do it when no cars are around....most times its pretty hard to control.
And my final thought that popped into my head. In looking at what web searches lead people to my sight....."kevin lange and rape" or "kevin Lange and New Orleans" seem to pop up everyday.
Either a lot of people that know him are interested in this, or he has some sort of comlex where he needs to read about himself daily.
Goodnite world......will post again soon :)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Thurs 1/6/11
12:08 PM
Life couldn't be better. I feel like myself again.....just a lot more confident. Not sure how that happened but hey, I will gladly take it.
I have been so annoyed with the DA and the NOPD and my rapist over the past few months, it seems to manifested in me taking no bullshit and taking a stand with the people I encounter in every day life.
My boss even made a comment to me today that I seem completely different (in a good way) and more in control of the things I have been implementing. ...thats exactly how I feel.
I am taking control back and doing better than I could have imagined even just a month ago.
I have very minimal memory of the physical events of the morning I was raped. I dont see his stupid face, I dont see his stupid hair....nothing. For some reason the only image that is in my head is the exact layout (floorplan) of that house.....not sure why, probably because when I was frantically trying to recall everything I could to the police I remember being able to describe every inch of the place.
I dont "flash" back to that day anymore. I barely think about any of it.....thoughts creep up here and there, but I am able to just focus on something else and move on.
Like I said before, I have become an organizing freak. I have lists for everything! I am not a list maker! I go with whatever happens when it happens......but for some reason, I feel the need to make lists at work, organize everything..... I am noticing that when those thoughts that creep up having anything to do with my rape, is when I turn to organizing...... stupid, but hey, my office is clean.
I am considering just completely letting all of this go. All it is, is a dumb reminder of the incompetence of people. I seem to be getting better now that I am not pushing so hard.
I am still filing against that detective.....what he did was wrong and needs correction if he is still going to stay on the force.
As for going around the ADA, its just drawing things out, and Im not sure I want to deal with a second more of her incompetence and attitude problem.
Civil suit is back and forth in my head. I have a lot more time to decide...but Im not going to stress over it....I do have to say though,
I have a 18 hour trip to Hawaii, and an 18 hour trip back home, on a plane (of course lol) with nothing but time on my hands. I am pretty sure I will put that time to use and put some things together.....I just hope it doesnt set me off on a panic attack.......which I find unlikely seeing how its got to be very difficult to panic when you are going to get to relax and lay on the beach for 7 days straight.
I have to admit, sometimes, its just better to cut your losses. Before, I couldnt understand why any rape victim would not pursue to the fullest.....but now, I get it. My reasoning may be slightly different. My reasoning is more based on the fact that I feel I have been and will continue get no where with the Orleans Parish DA's office or the NOPD......pretty pathetic reason for giving up on pursuing your rapist huh?
Off to 3 hour treatment that should knock me out for the rest of the day.
Hope all is well :)
Life couldn't be better. I feel like myself again.....just a lot more confident. Not sure how that happened but hey, I will gladly take it.
I have been so annoyed with the DA and the NOPD and my rapist over the past few months, it seems to manifested in me taking no bullshit and taking a stand with the people I encounter in every day life.
My boss even made a comment to me today that I seem completely different (in a good way) and more in control of the things I have been implementing. ...thats exactly how I feel.
I am taking control back and doing better than I could have imagined even just a month ago.
I have very minimal memory of the physical events of the morning I was raped. I dont see his stupid face, I dont see his stupid hair....nothing. For some reason the only image that is in my head is the exact layout (floorplan) of that house.....not sure why, probably because when I was frantically trying to recall everything I could to the police I remember being able to describe every inch of the place.
I dont "flash" back to that day anymore. I barely think about any of it.....thoughts creep up here and there, but I am able to just focus on something else and move on.
Like I said before, I have become an organizing freak. I have lists for everything! I am not a list maker! I go with whatever happens when it happens......but for some reason, I feel the need to make lists at work, organize everything..... I am noticing that when those thoughts that creep up having anything to do with my rape, is when I turn to organizing...... stupid, but hey, my office is clean.
I am considering just completely letting all of this go. All it is, is a dumb reminder of the incompetence of people. I seem to be getting better now that I am not pushing so hard.
I am still filing against that detective.....what he did was wrong and needs correction if he is still going to stay on the force.
As for going around the ADA, its just drawing things out, and Im not sure I want to deal with a second more of her incompetence and attitude problem.
Civil suit is back and forth in my head. I have a lot more time to decide...but Im not going to stress over it....I do have to say though,
I have a 18 hour trip to Hawaii, and an 18 hour trip back home, on a plane (of course lol) with nothing but time on my hands. I am pretty sure I will put that time to use and put some things together.....I just hope it doesnt set me off on a panic attack.......which I find unlikely seeing how its got to be very difficult to panic when you are going to get to relax and lay on the beach for 7 days straight.
I have to admit, sometimes, its just better to cut your losses. Before, I couldnt understand why any rape victim would not pursue to the fullest.....but now, I get it. My reasoning may be slightly different. My reasoning is more based on the fact that I feel I have been and will continue get no where with the Orleans Parish DA's office or the NOPD......pretty pathetic reason for giving up on pursuing your rapist huh?
Off to 3 hour treatment that should knock me out for the rest of the day.
Hope all is well :)
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Wed. 1/5/11
So its Wednesday morning. I am still doing really well. I decided it definitely is time to get back into shape with my vacations coming up and all, so i have been consistently going to the gym.
I have to admit, all of those people that say going to the gym and getting exercise really does help your mood. I feel like Im getting back to my old self.....mentally and physically. Id like to get back down to the 143 I was at for years...im pretty sure I can do it as long as I dont get sick and lose my motivation.
I have my IV infusion tomorrow afternoon so I should be ok.
Cris had asked me on twitter how I can afford all of my vacations. The answer is pretty simple. I used to travel a lot as a kid, so I have tons of flyer miles. I also dont save money. I never planned on having a family and having to put away to support anyone but myself. My philosophy on life is do what makes you happy. For me its traveling, and I like to live in the now and worry about the future when it gets here. I also find fantastic travel deals....I usually find flight and hotel together for about 450 for 4 nights...usually the MGM in Vegas or the sheraton or hampton in New Orleans.
Anyone looking for a vaca, let me know and i can try to hook you up.
Anyway, year end stuff to do. Be back later with a few thoughts.
Hope everyone is having a great start to the new year.
I have to admit, all of those people that say going to the gym and getting exercise really does help your mood. I feel like Im getting back to my old self.....mentally and physically. Id like to get back down to the 143 I was at for years...im pretty sure I can do it as long as I dont get sick and lose my motivation.
I have my IV infusion tomorrow afternoon so I should be ok.
Cris had asked me on twitter how I can afford all of my vacations. The answer is pretty simple. I used to travel a lot as a kid, so I have tons of flyer miles. I also dont save money. I never planned on having a family and having to put away to support anyone but myself. My philosophy on life is do what makes you happy. For me its traveling, and I like to live in the now and worry about the future when it gets here. I also find fantastic travel deals....I usually find flight and hotel together for about 450 for 4 nights...usually the MGM in Vegas or the sheraton or hampton in New Orleans.
Anyone looking for a vaca, let me know and i can try to hook you up.
Anyway, year end stuff to do. Be back later with a few thoughts.
Hope everyone is having a great start to the new year.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Again 1/2/11
1/2/11 - Sunday- 5:55 PM
I had taken a few days from writing. Why? Because I have been feeling really great, and honestly writing makes things worse sometimes. When I am feeling good, I am not thinking about being raped, I am getting on with my life, which means I dont think to write things about my life. When I am feeling bad, thats when I write, I write as a release, I write so I dont have to go to a counselor where any time I try to speak a word about what I happened to me, my eyes swell up with tears and I cant speak a sentence without hyperventilating. Thats what I have notice.....any time I try to open up to anyone, I cry and cannot speak clearly......why would I pay to have someone listen to my incoherent ramblings when I can post them on the internet and let other victims like me know that they are not alone. They can do what I have been doing and not feel judged in the slightest bit.
But in my time off....I have been completely shocked. I took a look back on my tracker to the days where I was being happy. To the days when I didnt feel I needed to post because I was doing well.
The google searches that lead to my website were appalling. Searches about a woman's rapist friending her on facebook, another wondering if she was really raped, another about who stood up for the victim. If searches like this, are hitting an insignificant profile like mine........it just makes me sick. There should be something more for victims looking on how to deal with what happened to them.
I am going to find a way. That is my new goal. To find a way to make information more available to victims......information that they need to start their recovery process...not information that a stupid website tells them will help them recover, but real information so they know they are not alone. Real information , from real victims that arent afraid to speak about what has happened.
My New Years Resolution is to do something. Do something significant for victims of rape.
Hold me to it.
I had taken a few days from writing. Why? Because I have been feeling really great, and honestly writing makes things worse sometimes. When I am feeling good, I am not thinking about being raped, I am getting on with my life, which means I dont think to write things about my life. When I am feeling bad, thats when I write, I write as a release, I write so I dont have to go to a counselor where any time I try to speak a word about what I happened to me, my eyes swell up with tears and I cant speak a sentence without hyperventilating. Thats what I have notice.....any time I try to open up to anyone, I cry and cannot speak clearly......why would I pay to have someone listen to my incoherent ramblings when I can post them on the internet and let other victims like me know that they are not alone. They can do what I have been doing and not feel judged in the slightest bit.
But in my time off....I have been completely shocked. I took a look back on my tracker to the days where I was being happy. To the days when I didnt feel I needed to post because I was doing well.
The google searches that lead to my website were appalling. Searches about a woman's rapist friending her on facebook, another wondering if she was really raped, another about who stood up for the victim. If searches like this, are hitting an insignificant profile like mine........it just makes me sick. There should be something more for victims looking on how to deal with what happened to them.
I am going to find a way. That is my new goal. To find a way to make information more available to victims......information that they need to start their recovery process...not information that a stupid website tells them will help them recover, but real information so they know they are not alone. Real information , from real victims that arent afraid to speak about what has happened.
My New Years Resolution is to do something. Do something significant for victims of rape.
Hold me to it.
First post of the New Year
1/2/10 Sunday 5:06 PM
So New Years didnt go as smoothly as I had hoped. I had badass movie night all by myself set up. But in my life, always except the unexpected....or at least always expect me to change my mind.
My best friend came over, we had a few drinks and some pizza, then she left for a party and I popped in the Boondock Saints as it is one of my favorite badass, yet humorous movies. Another friend asked me to stop by his party, so the wheels started turning. I decided I would pick up my best friend from her party and make it to my other friends party by midnight- by the way, my best friend was at my boss's house.
Well, with about a quarter of the Boondock Saints left, I went to pick up my best friend with hopes of making my friends party by mid-might.....you may be able to see where this is going already.....
Let me pre-face this by saying I really dont like walking into places I havent been to before by myself. ...So I get to my boss's house, and I walk in the front door.....i dont see a single person I know.....and the panic just sets in like something you wouldn't believe. I find my friend, and convince her we need to leave before I freak out......and then we cant find her purse......and then she needs to go outside and smoke with my boss...............needless to say I am in full blown panic mode as I have been in this house, with a bunch of people I dont know for over a half hour. My friend finally finishes smoking with the boss and we head inside off the deck to leave. More people had shown up and my friend is just chit chatting away........I had a full blown panic attack and found the quickest way to the front door and headed to the car telling her to stay, I couldnt. She got to my car before I could leave.
We left, my hands were shaking, I was holding back tears. I told her she could either go back to the party or I would drop her off at the other party we were supposed to be at by midnight because I was going home. She could tell I was upset and I know she couldnt understand the magnitude of what was happening to me. She said just do what you need to do......I drove straight home. About half way home I couldnt stop the tears and shaking. I am not an emotional person and my best friend knows this.......but on that drive back home I just had an all out panic attack and couldnt stop crying. We made it home before midnight....I really didnt care, I just wanted to go to bed.
I had been doing so well lately.....and I still am. I had a momentary lapse, but I took time, I calmed myself down, and I got through it. I took Saturday to just lay in bed and watch movies. ....I took today to clean the house (i actually didnt work on a weekend ) and watch the Saints as they lost.....which really didnt matter because the atlanta/carolina game was a blowout and the Saints had no chance at first place in the division.
I am still feeling great. I have a trip to the Probowl to look forward to at the end of January, and I booked a trip to Vegas with my best friend for her 30th birthday the first few days of April. I have things to look forward to.
I hope everyone is having a great start to their New Year. I wish you all the best, and again thank everyone for taking the time to read this.
So New Years didnt go as smoothly as I had hoped. I had badass movie night all by myself set up. But in my life, always except the unexpected....or at least always expect me to change my mind.
My best friend came over, we had a few drinks and some pizza, then she left for a party and I popped in the Boondock Saints as it is one of my favorite badass, yet humorous movies. Another friend asked me to stop by his party, so the wheels started turning. I decided I would pick up my best friend from her party and make it to my other friends party by midnight- by the way, my best friend was at my boss's house.
Well, with about a quarter of the Boondock Saints left, I went to pick up my best friend with hopes of making my friends party by mid-might.....you may be able to see where this is going already.....
Let me pre-face this by saying I really dont like walking into places I havent been to before by myself. ...So I get to my boss's house, and I walk in the front door.....i dont see a single person I know.....and the panic just sets in like something you wouldn't believe. I find my friend, and convince her we need to leave before I freak out......and then we cant find her purse......and then she needs to go outside and smoke with my boss...............needless to say I am in full blown panic mode as I have been in this house, with a bunch of people I dont know for over a half hour. My friend finally finishes smoking with the boss and we head inside off the deck to leave. More people had shown up and my friend is just chit chatting away........I had a full blown panic attack and found the quickest way to the front door and headed to the car telling her to stay, I couldnt. She got to my car before I could leave.
We left, my hands were shaking, I was holding back tears. I told her she could either go back to the party or I would drop her off at the other party we were supposed to be at by midnight because I was going home. She could tell I was upset and I know she couldnt understand the magnitude of what was happening to me. She said just do what you need to do......I drove straight home. About half way home I couldnt stop the tears and shaking. I am not an emotional person and my best friend knows this.......but on that drive back home I just had an all out panic attack and couldnt stop crying. We made it home before midnight....I really didnt care, I just wanted to go to bed.
I had been doing so well lately.....and I still am. I had a momentary lapse, but I took time, I calmed myself down, and I got through it. I took Saturday to just lay in bed and watch movies. ....I took today to clean the house (i actually didnt work on a weekend ) and watch the Saints as they lost.....which really didnt matter because the atlanta/carolina game was a blowout and the Saints had no chance at first place in the division.
I am still feeling great. I have a trip to the Probowl to look forward to at the end of January, and I booked a trip to Vegas with my best friend for her 30th birthday the first few days of April. I have things to look forward to.
I hope everyone is having a great start to their New Year. I wish you all the best, and again thank everyone for taking the time to read this.
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