11/30/10 - 9:20 PM
well I did it. Worked until 7:45 and then actually went back to the gym...... I have a wheelchair on standby for tomorrow. Not the most significant of all things, but hey, at least Im back to getting things done.
Tomorrow is the first day of December. I live in NY. I am still sleeping with the window wide open. I havent had crazy dreams lately and I havent had to take ativan in a while.....I guess thats progress. I do still wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat even though im in boxers and a tank top.....I guess the bright side is that my heating bill is going to be almost non-existent. I did have a dream last night, I dont remember all that much of it....but I do remember waking up and thinking it was a "sign" because pretty much the only thing I remembered was the name Mike.....it would be pretty creepy if that actually turns out to be the name of my rapist....It doesnt bother me all that much anymore that i dont know his name. Ive come to accept the fact that rape victims are pretty much raped all over again by our justice and legal system. I honestly think that the "system" is causing just as much emotional distress as my actual rape.
I remember thinking for some reason his last name was Butler...I honestly dont think thats right....Maybe it doesnt bother me that I dont have his name because Ive found a way to give him a new one.....for now, until I get some answers I will settle for thinking my rapist is named Mike Butler....stupid name for a stupid man (sorry if anyone that reads this is really named Mike Butler)
Anyway, I guess I am back to a level of comfort. More of the details of the past few months have faded away. Honestly Im glad they have. Memory of the day of my rape is minimal, the immediate days after are a blur. I remember panicking a lot, but I dont remember specific reasons why. I guess thats what makes the human mind so interesting, without physical damage or some sort of mind altering substance in your brain you can still forget significant amounts of time. You adapt. Your mind adapts to let you cope, deal and move on.....or at least to aide you in doing so.
Off to bed. Happy December to all
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Its About Time
Monday 11/29/10 6:21 PM
16 pounds and 2 pant sizes later I finally got my lazy ass back to the gym. I figure I finally got myself back ahead of the game in work, so why not try to get everything else in order too.
I was never tiny but I have reached an all time high in weight. Time to put down the chicken wings, pizza and all the convenient food that was easier to order than me attempting to cook.....I will miss you super fatty foods....you were very delicious but not very kind to my ass.
So, I left work today, went to the gym....and now im back at work....thank goodness almost no one is here, its not pretty. I actually got up and did something....the hardest part now is convincing myself to go back tomorrow...im pretty sure there will be the long drawn out conversation in my head where I come up with a million excuses not to go back, but I am going to do my best to force myself to go back.
Its been a few weeks since I last felt really good...but today was definitely better.
I found my mind drifting a bit during the day.....but I was mostly able to just get work done, and clean up everything I had been putting off to the side because it require to much thought to address when I first got it.
I mostly think about what will happen at trial, which is pretty stupid because I have no confirmation that this will even get that far. But I cant help it. My thoughts arent consumed with my rape or this stupid "man"....I find the focus more on a trial...wondering what questions they will ask me, wondering if I am going to vomit in front of everyone, wondering if I have to sit directly across from my rapist while his lawyer tries to call me a whore, wondering what version of me is going to show up.....
Thats the worst part, I have no idea how my emotions will hold up if I do get a trial......you are either going to the the smartass version of me that will take any question and fire back honest but half insulting comments back to the defense.....or the emotional basket case that is going to start shaking and balling her eyes out......or the girl that sits quietly taking deep breathes to calm herself so she doesnt start crying in front of a whole room of people.
Its really not worth thinking about until I know if there will be a trial or not, but I cant seem to help it....i guess it just gives me something to focus on besides the actual events on the day and days after my rape.
Anyway, Im getting back to work. Hope everyone is well
16 pounds and 2 pant sizes later I finally got my lazy ass back to the gym. I figure I finally got myself back ahead of the game in work, so why not try to get everything else in order too.
I was never tiny but I have reached an all time high in weight. Time to put down the chicken wings, pizza and all the convenient food that was easier to order than me attempting to cook.....I will miss you super fatty foods....you were very delicious but not very kind to my ass.
So, I left work today, went to the gym....and now im back at work....thank goodness almost no one is here, its not pretty. I actually got up and did something....the hardest part now is convincing myself to go back tomorrow...im pretty sure there will be the long drawn out conversation in my head where I come up with a million excuses not to go back, but I am going to do my best to force myself to go back.
Its been a few weeks since I last felt really good...but today was definitely better.
I found my mind drifting a bit during the day.....but I was mostly able to just get work done, and clean up everything I had been putting off to the side because it require to much thought to address when I first got it.
I mostly think about what will happen at trial, which is pretty stupid because I have no confirmation that this will even get that far. But I cant help it. My thoughts arent consumed with my rape or this stupid "man"....I find the focus more on a trial...wondering what questions they will ask me, wondering if I am going to vomit in front of everyone, wondering if I have to sit directly across from my rapist while his lawyer tries to call me a whore, wondering what version of me is going to show up.....
Thats the worst part, I have no idea how my emotions will hold up if I do get a trial......you are either going to the the smartass version of me that will take any question and fire back honest but half insulting comments back to the defense.....or the emotional basket case that is going to start shaking and balling her eyes out......or the girl that sits quietly taking deep breathes to calm herself so she doesnt start crying in front of a whole room of people.
Its really not worth thinking about until I know if there will be a trial or not, but I cant seem to help it....i guess it just gives me something to focus on besides the actual events on the day and days after my rape.
Anyway, Im getting back to work. Hope everyone is well
Just for Laughs
Monday 11/29/10- 10:22 AM-
I wasnt going to post today. I had a fantastic weekend. I got back to studying, got back into doing what I love. Then this comment came up and I laughed my ass off. First, it was posted anonymously so this person is clearly afraid to speak in a public forum. Second its just hilarious that someone would feel the need to post something like that. The comment was something along the lines of "i loved jizzing on your ass and tits"
Talk about class. I am thinking about having that quotation carved into a nice piece of wood so I can hang it in my doorway so thats what people see when they leave my house. LOL
Im thinking my rapist wouldnt have posted this, but he has proven himself to be stupid so maybe he did. And if he did, well congrats on messing up again.
Whoever did post this, congratulations to you. You are a great person. I am keeping this post in my blog as a tribute to you .....next time please post under your real name. Its time to man up, if you are going to post something for over 20 different countries to see, you should be proud of what you have to say and put your name on it.
You will also find out later that I have a very big suprise for you that I wont be letting anyone in on until mid-December. I think you may be a little shocked when you hear what I have to say, then a little bit scared.....but hey, you posted it and you cant take it back. Once again, you are the finest of human beings and I applaud you on your use of the english language.
Anyway, signing in and seeing that comment actually made me laugh and start joking again so overall this is pretty good. And knowing what I will be announcing in mid-December makes me grin from ear to ear.
This past weekend was more than relaxing and I got back into the parts of work I let slip away. I am back at work this morning feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day. I actually feel like joking around with people again. My chest isnt heavy, my head isnt spinning. Ive been waiting to get back to this place. So I thank the fine human being known only as "anonymous" as you have brought the humor and hilarity back into my life, well at least for today.
Hope everyone is having a fantastic day.....and just remember "i loved jizzing on your ass and tits" HAhahaha
I wasnt going to post today. I had a fantastic weekend. I got back to studying, got back into doing what I love. Then this comment came up and I laughed my ass off. First, it was posted anonymously so this person is clearly afraid to speak in a public forum. Second its just hilarious that someone would feel the need to post something like that. The comment was something along the lines of "i loved jizzing on your ass and tits"
Talk about class. I am thinking about having that quotation carved into a nice piece of wood so I can hang it in my doorway so thats what people see when they leave my house. LOL
Im thinking my rapist wouldnt have posted this, but he has proven himself to be stupid so maybe he did. And if he did, well congrats on messing up again.
Whoever did post this, congratulations to you. You are a great person. I am keeping this post in my blog as a tribute to you .....next time please post under your real name. Its time to man up, if you are going to post something for over 20 different countries to see, you should be proud of what you have to say and put your name on it.
You will also find out later that I have a very big suprise for you that I wont be letting anyone in on until mid-December. I think you may be a little shocked when you hear what I have to say, then a little bit scared.....but hey, you posted it and you cant take it back. Once again, you are the finest of human beings and I applaud you on your use of the english language.
Anyway, signing in and seeing that comment actually made me laugh and start joking again so overall this is pretty good. And knowing what I will be announcing in mid-December makes me grin from ear to ear.
This past weekend was more than relaxing and I got back into the parts of work I let slip away. I am back at work this morning feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day. I actually feel like joking around with people again. My chest isnt heavy, my head isnt spinning. Ive been waiting to get back to this place. So I thank the fine human being known only as "anonymous" as you have brought the humor and hilarity back into my life, well at least for today.
Hope everyone is having a fantastic day.....and just remember "i loved jizzing on your ass and tits" HAhahaha
Friday, November 26, 2010
Testing Myself
Friday 1:42 PM 11/26/10-
So since I was raped I have been having an issue being in crowded rooms/areas. I was always slightly uncomfortable in these situations prior to my rape, but I never had panic attacks like I have had in these post-rape months.
I decided to quit my bitching and pouting and quit feeling sorry for myself....and today, aka, "Black Friday" in the US was a good test.......black friday is the most crowded shopping day of the year.......Im one of those that prefers to learn by jumping right in, not easing my way in.....like when a person cant swim, you throw them in and they figure out how to same themselves.......to me , black friday was my chance to learn to swim.
People are crazy! The masses of people crowding in and out of stores is enough to freak out even the most calm of people. I went to the mall, I figured it wouldnt be as crowded as all the major stores that have huge electronic sales. I didnt even have anything to buy. I just needed to get myself back to a point where I stop panicking over the smallest things. And I have to say I did well......I stayed for a little bit over an hour, just walking around.....and when a group of people got a little too crowded, my heard started to race, but I just quickly changed direction and found somewhere a little less crowed that I could collect myself and jump back in. I did pretty good.....and oddly enough I actually did find a few things in a store I decided to buy....so I stood in a 25 minute long line, with tons of people in it, and walking right next to it and cutting through it.......and I never panicked....my heart raced a bit, but I never had to grab for an ativan to keep from freaking out.
So now I am still calm, I stopped into work for a few hours to get myself back to some what of an organized state. No one is here and I am in sweat pants, ...phenominal. So I am here, getting caught up in work, organizing my desk and by the time I leave , might even be a little ahead of the game.
Today is a good day, a calm , non crazy day. Anyone know if the airlines are having some sort of airfare sale for black friday?? i need to book a few trips back to New Orleans so nabbing a cheap flight would be amazing. Definately excited that the Saints held on for the win last night.....and excited that I get to see them live at the Dome in a few weeks.
Anyway, i should get back to getting my work under control so I dont go back to having to rush through everything. I hope everyone is having a fantastic day :)
So since I was raped I have been having an issue being in crowded rooms/areas. I was always slightly uncomfortable in these situations prior to my rape, but I never had panic attacks like I have had in these post-rape months.
I decided to quit my bitching and pouting and quit feeling sorry for myself....and today, aka, "Black Friday" in the US was a good test.......black friday is the most crowded shopping day of the year.......Im one of those that prefers to learn by jumping right in, not easing my way in.....like when a person cant swim, you throw them in and they figure out how to same themselves.......to me , black friday was my chance to learn to swim.
People are crazy! The masses of people crowding in and out of stores is enough to freak out even the most calm of people. I went to the mall, I figured it wouldnt be as crowded as all the major stores that have huge electronic sales. I didnt even have anything to buy. I just needed to get myself back to a point where I stop panicking over the smallest things. And I have to say I did well......I stayed for a little bit over an hour, just walking around.....and when a group of people got a little too crowded, my heard started to race, but I just quickly changed direction and found somewhere a little less crowed that I could collect myself and jump back in. I did pretty good.....and oddly enough I actually did find a few things in a store I decided to buy....so I stood in a 25 minute long line, with tons of people in it, and walking right next to it and cutting through it.......and I never panicked....my heart raced a bit, but I never had to grab for an ativan to keep from freaking out.
So now I am still calm, I stopped into work for a few hours to get myself back to some what of an organized state. No one is here and I am in sweat pants, ...phenominal. So I am here, getting caught up in work, organizing my desk and by the time I leave , might even be a little ahead of the game.
Today is a good day, a calm , non crazy day. Anyone know if the airlines are having some sort of airfare sale for black friday?? i need to book a few trips back to New Orleans so nabbing a cheap flight would be amazing. Definately excited that the Saints held on for the win last night.....and excited that I get to see them live at the Dome in a few weeks.
Anyway, i should get back to getting my work under control so I dont go back to having to rush through everything. I hope everyone is having a fantastic day :)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
How is it possible?
Struggling to understand how it is possible to go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, one day to the next. I am not doing anything different yet it seems i go from racing thoughts one day to slow and apathetic the next day?
My boss cornered me today. She knows something is wrong. Luckily I was in my apathetic emotional state, otherwise I would have started balling and panicking at having to explain myself. Instead I just came up with the excuse that my current position is no longer acceptable to me....which actually isnt an excuse. I dont love my job anymore. Im not learning anything new, and unfortunately I know its mostly my fault. I used to take my work home with me, research everything I could....I like being so confident in myself and my knowledge that i never have to question if I have the right answer. And if I dont know the answer, I pride myself on not stopping until I find it. People come to me because they know I am good at what I do and they know I can get them answers. Now, I use all of my spare time trying to educate myself on Louisiana law and digging up any information I can find on these individuals that have the nerve to call themselves men. This group of "men" have proven to be a disgrace to their "kind". I have let my rapist take away what I love and I feel more than pathetic for that. Eventually I may have to tell my boss what my real problem is when she wonders why I am disappearing so often on trips to New Orleans, but I will cross that road when I get to it.
After avoiding questions and explaining myself, I have the option of taking a new position.....and its tempting. I can get back to the education part of my job....the part I miss most. I will still get to work with the same fantastic group of people I do now, and a few new people too......the downside is my best friend and I will no longer be sharing a tiny office with a autographed picture of Mario Lopez from his Saved by the Bell years framed on the wall. Im not sure how this will affect me. Sometimes she was the only thing that kept me from panicking during work, just knowing that I could panic in front of her and she would just shut the door until I was done....not judging and not making me feel pathetic.
Thats the thing, I have no idea how my day is going to go. Before I was raped, I knew what to expect. I knew how I would handle situations that came up. I was always calm. I was the one telling people there is no use in panicking over something that isnt really in your control....
I think that with my new position, and being around new people, and being able to get back to learning, I may be able to keep the panicking under control. Its strange, I find myself narrating my life, to myself, in my head.....basically like JD on "Scrubs"....I talk to myself in my head....i pretty much cant do anything without laying it out in my head first.....its actually pretty creepy.
Anyway, if anyone has the answer how it is possible to go from one emotional extreme to the other in such a short amount of time.....and what, if anything, can be done about it......it would be greatly appreciated if you would let me in on it.
My boss cornered me today. She knows something is wrong. Luckily I was in my apathetic emotional state, otherwise I would have started balling and panicking at having to explain myself. Instead I just came up with the excuse that my current position is no longer acceptable to me....which actually isnt an excuse. I dont love my job anymore. Im not learning anything new, and unfortunately I know its mostly my fault. I used to take my work home with me, research everything I could....I like being so confident in myself and my knowledge that i never have to question if I have the right answer. And if I dont know the answer, I pride myself on not stopping until I find it. People come to me because they know I am good at what I do and they know I can get them answers. Now, I use all of my spare time trying to educate myself on Louisiana law and digging up any information I can find on these individuals that have the nerve to call themselves men. This group of "men" have proven to be a disgrace to their "kind". I have let my rapist take away what I love and I feel more than pathetic for that. Eventually I may have to tell my boss what my real problem is when she wonders why I am disappearing so often on trips to New Orleans, but I will cross that road when I get to it.
After avoiding questions and explaining myself, I have the option of taking a new position.....and its tempting. I can get back to the education part of my job....the part I miss most. I will still get to work with the same fantastic group of people I do now, and a few new people too......the downside is my best friend and I will no longer be sharing a tiny office with a autographed picture of Mario Lopez from his Saved by the Bell years framed on the wall. Im not sure how this will affect me. Sometimes she was the only thing that kept me from panicking during work, just knowing that I could panic in front of her and she would just shut the door until I was done....not judging and not making me feel pathetic.
Thats the thing, I have no idea how my day is going to go. Before I was raped, I knew what to expect. I knew how I would handle situations that came up. I was always calm. I was the one telling people there is no use in panicking over something that isnt really in your control....
I think that with my new position, and being around new people, and being able to get back to learning, I may be able to keep the panicking under control. Its strange, I find myself narrating my life, to myself, in my head.....basically like JD on "Scrubs"....I talk to myself in my head....i pretty much cant do anything without laying it out in my head first.....its actually pretty creepy.
Anyway, if anyone has the answer how it is possible to go from one emotional extreme to the other in such a short amount of time.....and what, if anything, can be done about it......it would be greatly appreciated if you would let me in on it.
3:15 AM 11/24/10 and wide awake
Good morning everyone. Hope your night was better than mine. Once again it is early morning and I cant sleep.
Yesterday was a little bit better of a day, i didnt feel as hopeless or depressed. Not quite sure how one day im fine and another i am a complete mess. I dont do anything different, yet somehow one day is good and one day is bad.
Im contemplating just going into work now, but at the same time I want to force myself to try and get some more sleep.
I wish my every waking thought didnt fall back on my rape or what I can do to get information. My rational side tells me to stop, i know i cant do anything until I get back down to New Orleans......but there is still the nagging part of me that cant stop trying to do everything I can.
Anyway, gonna try to get a little more sleep before work......
And now it is 4:55 AM and I am at work, who needs sleep anyway ..... and I forgot my phone....so if anyone wants to tweet on my behalf today that would be nice :)
Yesterday was a little bit better of a day, i didnt feel as hopeless or depressed. Not quite sure how one day im fine and another i am a complete mess. I dont do anything different, yet somehow one day is good and one day is bad.
Im contemplating just going into work now, but at the same time I want to force myself to try and get some more sleep.
I wish my every waking thought didnt fall back on my rape or what I can do to get information. My rational side tells me to stop, i know i cant do anything until I get back down to New Orleans......but there is still the nagging part of me that cant stop trying to do everything I can.
Anyway, gonna try to get a little more sleep before work......
And now it is 4:55 AM and I am at work, who needs sleep anyway ..... and I forgot my phone....so if anyone wants to tweet on my behalf today that would be nice :)
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thanksgiving....or is it?
Monday 11/22/10-
Finally made it to work. If I had my way I wouldnt get out of bed until next week.
Everyone here is excited for Thanksgiving....I really could care less. Actually I would like to slap them and watch the smile fade off their faces.
We are forced to take Thanksgiving off of work, leaving me with virtually no excuse to hide from family.
Thanksgiving equals, once again, everyone in one central location, aka my house. A day of sitting around eating food....which I have become quite the expert at lately. A day of not being able to disappear and go off by yourself for a few hours without someone noticing. A day to say you are thankful, a day that forces me to feel selfish in that right now I am thankful for nothing.....or at least I dont feel like expressing it.
I am actually thankful for a few things, but everything I am thankful for is a secret from most that know me.
I am thankful for the two people in my life that make my existence in this world feel somewhat meaningful.
I am thankful that I wasn't violently beaten like most rape victims.
And really, that is all i can come up with. Ridiculous that the only things I am thankful for right now revolve around my rape back in september...... I mean , sure I am thankful for my family , and everything I have been fortunate to have come into my life.......but I am always thankful for that, I dont need one day to say that.
Not to mention, lately I have been resentful that i have family. I dont want to be bothered by anyone. I am resentful that they are living their lives without a care in the world, with no idea what has happened to me. Im resentful that they have things to be thankful for that dont involve being happy that something that happened to them could have been much, much worse.
Nothing makes me happy anymore. I gave up all of my research. I gave up going above and beyond in my job. I gave up leaving my house on the weekends. I gave up going to hockey games. I gave up going to bars for a couple of drinks with my friends.
My life consists of going to work...most often late because I have to talk my self into getting out of bed.
After work i literally eat everything I can find in the house, then go to bed. When I cant sleep I find a movie to watch or just lay in the dark listening to music. I dont know why music seems to help me so much, but hey, find something that works and go with it right?
anyway.....poor me right? back to work while i still have a job
Finally made it to work. If I had my way I wouldnt get out of bed until next week.
Everyone here is excited for Thanksgiving....I really could care less. Actually I would like to slap them and watch the smile fade off their faces.
We are forced to take Thanksgiving off of work, leaving me with virtually no excuse to hide from family.
Thanksgiving equals, once again, everyone in one central location, aka my house. A day of sitting around eating food....which I have become quite the expert at lately. A day of not being able to disappear and go off by yourself for a few hours without someone noticing. A day to say you are thankful, a day that forces me to feel selfish in that right now I am thankful for nothing.....or at least I dont feel like expressing it.
I am actually thankful for a few things, but everything I am thankful for is a secret from most that know me.
I am thankful for the two people in my life that make my existence in this world feel somewhat meaningful.
I am thankful that I wasn't violently beaten like most rape victims.
And really, that is all i can come up with. Ridiculous that the only things I am thankful for right now revolve around my rape back in september...... I mean , sure I am thankful for my family , and everything I have been fortunate to have come into my life.......but I am always thankful for that, I dont need one day to say that.
Not to mention, lately I have been resentful that i have family. I dont want to be bothered by anyone. I am resentful that they are living their lives without a care in the world, with no idea what has happened to me. Im resentful that they have things to be thankful for that dont involve being happy that something that happened to them could have been much, much worse.
Nothing makes me happy anymore. I gave up all of my research. I gave up going above and beyond in my job. I gave up leaving my house on the weekends. I gave up going to hockey games. I gave up going to bars for a couple of drinks with my friends.
My life consists of going to work...most often late because I have to talk my self into getting out of bed.
After work i literally eat everything I can find in the house, then go to bed. When I cant sleep I find a movie to watch or just lay in the dark listening to music. I dont know why music seems to help me so much, but hey, find something that works and go with it right?
anyway.....poor me right? back to work while i still have a job
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sunday night
11/21/10 8:52
I havent gotten out of bed all weekend.....ive just layed her...sometimes able sleep a bit, other times i just layed there. Had music on the background. My emotions ands senses are nil......I couldnt sleep friday night....so I went back to take the ativan.....a lot. At least I am calm now, at least my head isnt spinning.
I dont want to go back to work. I dont know if i will be able to get out of bed tomorrow.....I just have no motivation to do or accomplish anything.
After my breakdown at work, I decided to demand a position change at work.....so hopefully by the new year comes around I will be in control of what I want to be in control of. Maybe changing my job around will help me get back some more sanity.
I just wish my rape didnt have such a massive impact on my life......I mean, is this what my life is going to turn into? Just going to work and going to bed directly after....and not getting out of bed on weekends......Being so dosed up on ativan that you have no emotions or feelings anymore. Feeling like I am just existing.......not feeling sad for myself, but also not being happy and doing all the thing in live i loved to do before
I really have come to the point were I just care anymore.....about anything
Goodnite too all....maybe things will be better in the morning. Cris, thank you for what you said....you always seem to make a difference
I havent gotten out of bed all weekend.....ive just layed her...sometimes able sleep a bit, other times i just layed there. Had music on the background. My emotions ands senses are nil......I couldnt sleep friday night....so I went back to take the ativan.....a lot. At least I am calm now, at least my head isnt spinning.
I dont want to go back to work. I dont know if i will be able to get out of bed tomorrow.....I just have no motivation to do or accomplish anything.
After my breakdown at work, I decided to demand a position change at work.....so hopefully by the new year comes around I will be in control of what I want to be in control of. Maybe changing my job around will help me get back some more sanity.
I just wish my rape didnt have such a massive impact on my life......I mean, is this what my life is going to turn into? Just going to work and going to bed directly after....and not getting out of bed on weekends......Being so dosed up on ativan that you have no emotions or feelings anymore. Feeling like I am just existing.......not feeling sad for myself, but also not being happy and doing all the thing in live i loved to do before
I really have come to the point were I just care anymore.....about anything
Goodnite too all....maybe things will be better in the morning. Cris, thank you for what you said....you always seem to make a difference
Saturday, November 20, 2010
11/20/10 2:27 AM
cant sleep. I am sick of having to take medication in order to sleep through the night. I refuse to become dependent on something to get me through the day/night.
I still havent called the detective back, at this point i just dont care. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Im still breathing, Im still talking to some people.....i still have somewhat of a life....if thats what you can call it.
Im sick about all of this. I am sick that I think about this after 2 am because I am trying my best to not become dependent on medication. I am sick that only 3 people in my life know even the slightest thing about what I am going through. I am sick that I still cant sleep through a whole night. I am sick that I can have one insignificant person have such a massive impact on my life.
I am strong enough to handle things on my own. I am strong enough to know that I need to keep myself as rational and reasonable as possible. I am strong enough to realize that I may need help......I may need help when it comes time to stand my ground. I have been so self confident throughout all of this. I have believed in myself even when people have put me down......why should I let some cocky son of a bitch get away with something like this....why should it be ok for him to make someone feel the way I am feeling....how is that, on anyones terms ok?
Am I ok with sleepless nights? can I physically prepare myself for nights like that.....its so hard. I get so exhausted so quickly.....there is only one thought that keeps me grounded, and that is the thought that my rapist is so scared that he thinks about what he did to me as much or maybe even more than I do.
I hate that my life has come down to this. I hate that in order to calm the thoughts in my head I have to document everything I am feeling for the world to see. I hate that I cannot handle this on my own. I am self sufficient. I do not need anyone to help me, I never have........but all of a sudden I am stuck depending on people. I need someone there just to tell me that its ok to feel how I feel. I need someone there to tell me that I am standing up and fighting for the right reasons......i need someone there to know everything and support me no matter what.
I wish all of this would just go away. I wish I could just erase whatever memory I have left and just move on with my life. I feel like there is really nothing left for me to do in this world.....I feel useless. I feel insignificant. I feel alone. I no longer feel strong. I no longer feel any fight left in me.....there is nothing left to fight for. There was never anything to fight for in the first place if you really think about it....... I pointed out a few wrong doings by the NOPD....but what did that really accomplish for me? what do i have to show for it....why did I bother.
I just give up. Fighting alone is a losing battle....sometimes you just have to accept that and move on. Make what you can from it and continue on with your life. If i just give up on this pursuit to the land of the unknown i can just get back to my life. The life where I was self confident, reliable and responsible. The life where I knew what I was doing and had no questions as to my judgement. The life that I was privileged to have in the first place. Maybe I should just cut my losses. My life is slowly deteriorating because I am letting some creeper of a "man" run it. I wish I could find a way to take back my life......Its my life, I am always in control, but somehow, this creeptastic piece of shit was able to step right in and overtake my life.
I wont lie when I say I have had thoughts of killing myself. Im sure almost every single victim of rape has thought about it at least once.........my thought had a little twist though.......my thought was, that If i decided to kill myself,.......could my rapist be charged with involuntary manslaughter.......could killing myself ensure that he would be punished for what he did to me? Because right now, he has a chance of walking away from this with not even a slap on the wrist......so in my head , I have entertained the thought once or twice that if I kill myself, and make it known that it was due to the duress this "man" has brought into my life, would it ensure he would actually be punished. Its disgusting that thoughts of suicide are most likely an every day occurrence in lives a rape victims.
I am so exhausted that I dont even know if I am making any sense anymore so I will just say goodnite. I hope that all of you are able to get the sleep that seems to be so skilled at evading me.
I still havent called the detective back, at this point i just dont care. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Im still breathing, Im still talking to some people.....i still have somewhat of a life....if thats what you can call it.
Im sick about all of this. I am sick that I think about this after 2 am because I am trying my best to not become dependent on medication. I am sick that only 3 people in my life know even the slightest thing about what I am going through. I am sick that I still cant sleep through a whole night. I am sick that I can have one insignificant person have such a massive impact on my life.
I am strong enough to handle things on my own. I am strong enough to know that I need to keep myself as rational and reasonable as possible. I am strong enough to realize that I may need help......I may need help when it comes time to stand my ground. I have been so self confident throughout all of this. I have believed in myself even when people have put me down......why should I let some cocky son of a bitch get away with something like this....why should it be ok for him to make someone feel the way I am feeling....how is that, on anyones terms ok?
Am I ok with sleepless nights? can I physically prepare myself for nights like that.....its so hard. I get so exhausted so quickly.....there is only one thought that keeps me grounded, and that is the thought that my rapist is so scared that he thinks about what he did to me as much or maybe even more than I do.
I hate that my life has come down to this. I hate that in order to calm the thoughts in my head I have to document everything I am feeling for the world to see. I hate that I cannot handle this on my own. I am self sufficient. I do not need anyone to help me, I never have........but all of a sudden I am stuck depending on people. I need someone there just to tell me that its ok to feel how I feel. I need someone there to tell me that I am standing up and fighting for the right reasons......i need someone there to know everything and support me no matter what.
I wish all of this would just go away. I wish I could just erase whatever memory I have left and just move on with my life. I feel like there is really nothing left for me to do in this world.....I feel useless. I feel insignificant. I feel alone. I no longer feel strong. I no longer feel any fight left in me.....there is nothing left to fight for. There was never anything to fight for in the first place if you really think about it....... I pointed out a few wrong doings by the NOPD....but what did that really accomplish for me? what do i have to show for it....why did I bother.
I just give up. Fighting alone is a losing battle....sometimes you just have to accept that and move on. Make what you can from it and continue on with your life. If i just give up on this pursuit to the land of the unknown i can just get back to my life. The life where I was self confident, reliable and responsible. The life where I knew what I was doing and had no questions as to my judgement. The life that I was privileged to have in the first place. Maybe I should just cut my losses. My life is slowly deteriorating because I am letting some creeper of a "man" run it. I wish I could find a way to take back my life......Its my life, I am always in control, but somehow, this creeptastic piece of shit was able to step right in and overtake my life.
I wont lie when I say I have had thoughts of killing myself. Im sure almost every single victim of rape has thought about it at least once.........my thought had a little twist though.......my thought was, that If i decided to kill myself,.......could my rapist be charged with involuntary manslaughter.......could killing myself ensure that he would be punished for what he did to me? Because right now, he has a chance of walking away from this with not even a slap on the wrist......so in my head , I have entertained the thought once or twice that if I kill myself, and make it known that it was due to the duress this "man" has brought into my life, would it ensure he would actually be punished. Its disgusting that thoughts of suicide are most likely an every day occurrence in lives a rape victims.
I am so exhausted that I dont even know if I am making any sense anymore so I will just say goodnite. I hope that all of you are able to get the sleep that seems to be so skilled at evading me.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Still on edge
Friday 11/19/10- 8:01 AM
Slept from about 8 to 6.....didnt wake up once, woke up feeling pretty good. But now I am back at work and I just want to go back home. I dont seem to care about anything today. Im not worried I need to get more information, Im not worried the Detective wont call back even though I ignored his call yesterday, Im not worried that I have so much work to do I could work through the whole weekend and still not get it all done......I just plain dont care.
I guess its better than being all panicked and crazy like I was yesterday. My thoughts arent racing, my hands arent shaking, I just dont give a damn. I have a trip scheduled to go to New Orleans soon, I just have to accept that I cant really accomplish much more until I am there
Slept from about 8 to 6.....didnt wake up once, woke up feeling pretty good. But now I am back at work and I just want to go back home. I dont seem to care about anything today. Im not worried I need to get more information, Im not worried the Detective wont call back even though I ignored his call yesterday, Im not worried that I have so much work to do I could work through the whole weekend and still not get it all done......I just plain dont care.
I guess its better than being all panicked and crazy like I was yesterday. My thoughts arent racing, my hands arent shaking, I just dont give a damn. I have a trip scheduled to go to New Orleans soon, I just have to accept that I cant really accomplish much more until I am there
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Detective #3 called 2:45 PM Thurs 11/18/10
Yup. Detective #3 called a little while ago. I couldnt bring myself to answer the phone.
My day has been emotionally exhausting and beyond stressful.
I have been in my office with the door closed since my last post. I am able to concentrate on work, but i just cant handle anyone stopping in to chit chat or someone stopping in deciding to hit me with more work.
Its about 100 degrees in here and I am in a heavy sweater....just sitting here, not moving, doing my job....or doing it as best I can right now. I hate that I know I can be doing so much better and Im not.
I didnt answer the stupid phone. I finally get this Detective to call me and I dont answer. I cant take any more new right now I guess. I got good news and it sent me off the deep end, could you imagine if he was calling and had bad news? I guess at this moment, for me, right now, ignorance is bliss.
He didnt leave a voice mail.....must not be all that important. He was probably calling to tell me something i already know anyway.....anyone involved in this case doesnt seem to keep in contact with anyone else involved.
I did have a co-worker brave enough to enter my office of doom for a few seconds. He had brought me a bag of a dozen fresh donuts.....lol I do appreciate that. Most people give gifts of flowers or candy....he gives me donuts.....as if I werent eating my feelings enough, I now have a dozen delicious donuts to devour. Ive already gotten 2 down......have i mentioned ive gained at least 10 pounds since all of this. Its really starting to show.....and I could care less. I should get back to the gym, and there have been days where I have started out with every intention of going, but when the time comes , im too exhausted to get the energy up to go.....one of these days I will get my ass into gear.
Speaking of getting my butt in gear, back to work I go
My day has been emotionally exhausting and beyond stressful.
I have been in my office with the door closed since my last post. I am able to concentrate on work, but i just cant handle anyone stopping in to chit chat or someone stopping in deciding to hit me with more work.
Its about 100 degrees in here and I am in a heavy sweater....just sitting here, not moving, doing my job....or doing it as best I can right now. I hate that I know I can be doing so much better and Im not.
I didnt answer the stupid phone. I finally get this Detective to call me and I dont answer. I cant take any more new right now I guess. I got good news and it sent me off the deep end, could you imagine if he was calling and had bad news? I guess at this moment, for me, right now, ignorance is bliss.
He didnt leave a voice mail.....must not be all that important. He was probably calling to tell me something i already know anyway.....anyone involved in this case doesnt seem to keep in contact with anyone else involved.
I did have a co-worker brave enough to enter my office of doom for a few seconds. He had brought me a bag of a dozen fresh donuts.....lol I do appreciate that. Most people give gifts of flowers or candy....he gives me donuts.....as if I werent eating my feelings enough, I now have a dozen delicious donuts to devour. Ive already gotten 2 down......have i mentioned ive gained at least 10 pounds since all of this. Its really starting to show.....and I could care less. I should get back to the gym, and there have been days where I have started out with every intention of going, but when the time comes , im too exhausted to get the energy up to go.....one of these days I will get my ass into gear.
Speaking of getting my butt in gear, back to work I go
My Morning Thurs 11/18/10
I guess it was too much to ask to stay in the mindset I had been in lately. I still cant believe I feel this way. I got some news about my case, I should be happy. Instead Im having the need to get more and more information again. I started going back to my obsession....the need to get answers, the need to do anything to get answers.
I almost broke down in my meeting this morning.....how unprofessional. I was never a very emotional person before I was raped, now, I am completely different....crying over stupid things at work that I cant control.
In my meeting we were discussing what exactly we do in our jobs, how much of a workload we have and what obstacles we are running into. In listening to others it made me sick. The amount of work I do compared to what they do is completely sickening to me. Dont get me wrong, I am sure their jobs are tough, but its nothing like I have to deal with. And every day it seems more and more is getting shoved my way.
Before I was raped I would have gone about my business with maybe a small complaint or two about it, but not tears. Not nausea at the fact that people are doing so little compared to my position and are getting paid the same. It was my turn to speak and i started shaking and tears formed in my eyes. I apologized right away, got about 10 words out and cut myself off. I couldnt speak. I had to take an Ativan in the middle of the meeting, in front of all my coworkers because I couldnt calm down. How embarrassing.
After the meeting I couldnt bring myself to go back to work. I went to visit my mom. Then decided to go Christmas shopping. I sat in the parking lot of the mall, in my car, and cried for about 20 minutes. So stupid, when things get tough I dont cry, I find a way to work with it and succeed.
I spent about an hour shopping and decided my work wasnt going to do itself so I went back. I cried the entire drive back from the mall.
Im sitting at my desk sad, beyond frustrated , angry, annoyed ,confused and just fed up with everything. I love my job, but since I was raped, its just been pissing me off. The little intricacies of what I do are what make me great at what I do. When given more work, I used to love it....i was able to educate myself on things I didnt know and I was able to succeed at anything ever asked. ...... in my meeting this morning I was asked if there was anything that was good about my job, and I flat out said no.
Its true. I have now come to hate my job. All the small things that come up in the work day set me off in anger. I get annoyed at the small things I used to welcome, that I would turn into educational tools. Now I am so swamped in the additional duties that keep getting piled on day after day, that I no longer have the time to make sure I am up to date on the education necessary to do my job and do it well.
Before I was raped I was always calm. When something new came up, I was able to step back and take a breath, take a minute, and decide how I was going to handle it........Now, I am sitting here in tears, hands shaking, pissed off at the world and hating my job. I can no longer find a way to calmly decide how to do things.....i dont take that minute that was so crucial before in my success.....I was always a rational person telling everyone not to panic, that whatever was asked would be done and not to worry. Now im the person that gets pissed off and bitches and complains all day. That is not the person I want to be . That is not the person I was, it better not be the person I become.
I know that no one person could do it all, but i came pretty damn close before. I refused to delegate any of my work to others, I did everything I could to keep my work to myself so I know it would be right, and if it was wrong, I had no one to blame but myself. I am proud of my work and I like to see projects through from start to finish. Now I have resorted to delegating because I am letting myself get overwhelmed. I know I am getting overwhelmed, but before my rape, I would have found a way to keep all of my work and still do all the new things that were asked. Im now starting to feel like a failure and hating my job.
I cant believe I let myself fall back to this place mentally. I was fine. I was more than fine, so how can I be back here again? I just dont get it.
I almost broke down in my meeting this morning.....how unprofessional. I was never a very emotional person before I was raped, now, I am completely different....crying over stupid things at work that I cant control.
In my meeting we were discussing what exactly we do in our jobs, how much of a workload we have and what obstacles we are running into. In listening to others it made me sick. The amount of work I do compared to what they do is completely sickening to me. Dont get me wrong, I am sure their jobs are tough, but its nothing like I have to deal with. And every day it seems more and more is getting shoved my way.
Before I was raped I would have gone about my business with maybe a small complaint or two about it, but not tears. Not nausea at the fact that people are doing so little compared to my position and are getting paid the same. It was my turn to speak and i started shaking and tears formed in my eyes. I apologized right away, got about 10 words out and cut myself off. I couldnt speak. I had to take an Ativan in the middle of the meeting, in front of all my coworkers because I couldnt calm down. How embarrassing.
After the meeting I couldnt bring myself to go back to work. I went to visit my mom. Then decided to go Christmas shopping. I sat in the parking lot of the mall, in my car, and cried for about 20 minutes. So stupid, when things get tough I dont cry, I find a way to work with it and succeed.
I spent about an hour shopping and decided my work wasnt going to do itself so I went back. I cried the entire drive back from the mall.
Im sitting at my desk sad, beyond frustrated , angry, annoyed ,confused and just fed up with everything. I love my job, but since I was raped, its just been pissing me off. The little intricacies of what I do are what make me great at what I do. When given more work, I used to love it....i was able to educate myself on things I didnt know and I was able to succeed at anything ever asked. ...... in my meeting this morning I was asked if there was anything that was good about my job, and I flat out said no.
Its true. I have now come to hate my job. All the small things that come up in the work day set me off in anger. I get annoyed at the small things I used to welcome, that I would turn into educational tools. Now I am so swamped in the additional duties that keep getting piled on day after day, that I no longer have the time to make sure I am up to date on the education necessary to do my job and do it well.
Before I was raped I was always calm. When something new came up, I was able to step back and take a breath, take a minute, and decide how I was going to handle it........Now, I am sitting here in tears, hands shaking, pissed off at the world and hating my job. I can no longer find a way to calmly decide how to do things.....i dont take that minute that was so crucial before in my success.....I was always a rational person telling everyone not to panic, that whatever was asked would be done and not to worry. Now im the person that gets pissed off and bitches and complains all day. That is not the person I want to be . That is not the person I was, it better not be the person I become.
I know that no one person could do it all, but i came pretty damn close before. I refused to delegate any of my work to others, I did everything I could to keep my work to myself so I know it would be right, and if it was wrong, I had no one to blame but myself. I am proud of my work and I like to see projects through from start to finish. Now I have resorted to delegating because I am letting myself get overwhelmed. I know I am getting overwhelmed, but before my rape, I would have found a way to keep all of my work and still do all the new things that were asked. Im now starting to feel like a failure and hating my job.
I cant believe I let myself fall back to this place mentally. I was fine. I was more than fine, so how can I be back here again? I just dont get it.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Back to crazy thoughts
Wed 11/17/10 - 5:52 PM
So i was a little more calm through the day after I posted this morning....then around 2 PM everyone decided to shove their work off on me, because they know I wont leave until its finished. I started getting very anxious and angry again.....Every time someone would drop something off or even stop in to tell me something just pissed me off and sent my mind racing. I am home now and I am still beyond pissed.
Who would have thought that getting good news would start to cause my mental status and emotions to revert back to the state I was in right after the rape happened. I am pissed, I am exhausted .....and its all because I got good news.......WTF?
Anyway, in being this angry I got back to thinking.....my rapist hasnt posted since I called him out on it the last time. I must really have him and his friends scared.....which is a comfort.....I bet he is sitting around all day....with thousands of thoughts running through his head.....waiting ....and each time the phone rings before he looks at who's calling, for that split second, I bet he is wondering if the police are calling to tell him there is a warrant out for his arrest............... At least I dont have it that bad.....I am no longer wondering if the person calling has answers for me.....the sound of my phone ringing no longer sends the chills down my body.... I wish I knew his phone number, i would probably call him every few minutes just to know that hes getting that very same chill.......The time must go by so slowly for him....waiting....waiting for the call that there is a warrant and he needs to go back to New Orleans and face it.......That thought is very much a comfort. OR, maybe he just doesnt care because he is so confident he got away with it.
I dont know which would be more satisfying......him not waiting for the phone call and being blindsided that he didnt get away with raping a woman or the thought that every time the phone rings he practically craps his pants......
So, Im exhausted and going to bed.........Dear rapist are you scared???? You should be
So i was a little more calm through the day after I posted this morning....then around 2 PM everyone decided to shove their work off on me, because they know I wont leave until its finished. I started getting very anxious and angry again.....Every time someone would drop something off or even stop in to tell me something just pissed me off and sent my mind racing. I am home now and I am still beyond pissed.
Who would have thought that getting good news would start to cause my mental status and emotions to revert back to the state I was in right after the rape happened. I am pissed, I am exhausted .....and its all because I got good news.......WTF?
Anyway, in being this angry I got back to thinking.....my rapist hasnt posted since I called him out on it the last time. I must really have him and his friends scared.....which is a comfort.....I bet he is sitting around all day....with thousands of thoughts running through his head.....waiting ....and each time the phone rings before he looks at who's calling, for that split second, I bet he is wondering if the police are calling to tell him there is a warrant out for his arrest............... At least I dont have it that bad.....I am no longer wondering if the person calling has answers for me.....the sound of my phone ringing no longer sends the chills down my body.... I wish I knew his phone number, i would probably call him every few minutes just to know that hes getting that very same chill.......The time must go by so slowly for him....waiting....waiting for the call that there is a warrant and he needs to go back to New Orleans and face it.......That thought is very much a comfort. OR, maybe he just doesnt care because he is so confident he got away with it.
I dont know which would be more satisfying......him not waiting for the phone call and being blindsided that he didnt get away with raping a woman or the thought that every time the phone rings he practically craps his pants......
So, Im exhausted and going to bed.........Dear rapist are you scared???? You should be
The What Ifs
8:54 Wed 11/17/10-
I was doing so well! I had everything under control, my shaking, my nausea, my thoughts.....
Now my mind is back to racing and if i think about things long enough my hands go back to shaking.
I hadnt taken ativan in quite a while....had to break down and take one yesterday afternoon. It at least slows my thoughts and helps with the shaking hands.
My mind is not nearly as bad as it was right after the rape, but it is definitely racing with the "what if's" today. Having this lead, that im pretty sure is a very solid lead, has brought up so many questions.
The main question being, what am I going to do? But Im not just asking myself this question once, I am repeatedly asking it, imagining different scenarios and what would I do in them.....creating quite the overflow of thoughts running through my mind at one time. I tell myself there is no point in dwelling on the what ifs because there is no possible way to know what the outcome is going to be, trying to prepare myself for so many situations that may possibly never come to fruition would just bring more stress on me, but I cant seem to listen to the rational side of my brain.....What if , .....is dominating my morning.
What if I get what I want, What if I dont......what is it that I actually do want to come from all of this mess?
In a perfect world this "man" would go to jail, but we all know this world is far from perfect.
What if the DA doesn't press charges, what do I do then? How to I deal, will I be ok?
What if the DA does press charges, what do I do then?
Do I want to have a trial where I can't even sit in and listen to the case? As a victim of rape, you are not allowed in the courtroom. You are called as a witness, and that is it. Do I want to wait probably years for any of this to happen or do I just want to move on?
I personally just want to move on, but with all the complete BS that has gone on with my case, I dont think I can just pack it in and call it a day. Ive been through so much crap already, I just dont think I have it in me to back down and let it go.
What if this lead turns out to be nothing? Am I prepared to once again be told that "I cant help you" or "I cannot give you that information at this time." The last time someone told me that (which happened to be Detective #3" I completely broke down and started crying and screaming into the phone at him.....Im sure this man just wants all of this to go away too....im not sure he can handle much more of my quest for information and me constantly yelling at him. I dont mean to yell, but i just find it completely shocking that a rape victim cannot get a single piece of information regarding her (or his) case. Its frustrating when you know they already have most of the answers you want and they just wont tell you. .....so yes, I at times get frustrated and lose my cool. I know that yelling at these people isnt exactly going to help me get anywhere or get any information.....but I honestly cant help the outbursts sometimes. I dont call them, planning to yell....but when they only talk around your question and keep repeating the company line, frustration sets in and I lose it. I am normally very composed and think before I speak.....but all of the frustrations that occur in rape cases make it impossible for someone not to become overwhelmingly emotional.
At least in writing all of this down, I am able to slow my thoughts down.....Ive asked some of the what ifs now.....i see the words in front of my face......i see that it is ridiculous to keep asking these what ifs when there is only one possible outcome.....only one outcome out of thousands of what ifs. In writing this, I have calmed myself. I know I cant worry about the what ifs.....I just need to wait. I need to see what situation arises and then act from there. I cant plan ahead...planning ahead may actually make the disappointment worse if this "man" isnt arrested.
I am back to a good place.....for now anyway
Thank you for listening, thank you for giving me somewhere to turn when I feel like I am losing my mind.
I was doing so well! I had everything under control, my shaking, my nausea, my thoughts.....
Now my mind is back to racing and if i think about things long enough my hands go back to shaking.
I hadnt taken ativan in quite a while....had to break down and take one yesterday afternoon. It at least slows my thoughts and helps with the shaking hands.
My mind is not nearly as bad as it was right after the rape, but it is definitely racing with the "what if's" today. Having this lead, that im pretty sure is a very solid lead, has brought up so many questions.
The main question being, what am I going to do? But Im not just asking myself this question once, I am repeatedly asking it, imagining different scenarios and what would I do in them.....creating quite the overflow of thoughts running through my mind at one time. I tell myself there is no point in dwelling on the what ifs because there is no possible way to know what the outcome is going to be, trying to prepare myself for so many situations that may possibly never come to fruition would just bring more stress on me, but I cant seem to listen to the rational side of my brain.....What if , .....is dominating my morning.
What if I get what I want, What if I dont......what is it that I actually do want to come from all of this mess?
In a perfect world this "man" would go to jail, but we all know this world is far from perfect.
What if the DA doesn't press charges, what do I do then? How to I deal, will I be ok?
What if the DA does press charges, what do I do then?
Do I want to have a trial where I can't even sit in and listen to the case? As a victim of rape, you are not allowed in the courtroom. You are called as a witness, and that is it. Do I want to wait probably years for any of this to happen or do I just want to move on?
I personally just want to move on, but with all the complete BS that has gone on with my case, I dont think I can just pack it in and call it a day. Ive been through so much crap already, I just dont think I have it in me to back down and let it go.
What if this lead turns out to be nothing? Am I prepared to once again be told that "I cant help you" or "I cannot give you that information at this time." The last time someone told me that (which happened to be Detective #3" I completely broke down and started crying and screaming into the phone at him.....Im sure this man just wants all of this to go away too....im not sure he can handle much more of my quest for information and me constantly yelling at him. I dont mean to yell, but i just find it completely shocking that a rape victim cannot get a single piece of information regarding her (or his) case. Its frustrating when you know they already have most of the answers you want and they just wont tell you. .....so yes, I at times get frustrated and lose my cool. I know that yelling at these people isnt exactly going to help me get anywhere or get any information.....but I honestly cant help the outbursts sometimes. I dont call them, planning to yell....but when they only talk around your question and keep repeating the company line, frustration sets in and I lose it. I am normally very composed and think before I speak.....but all of the frustrations that occur in rape cases make it impossible for someone not to become overwhelmingly emotional.
At least in writing all of this down, I am able to slow my thoughts down.....Ive asked some of the what ifs now.....i see the words in front of my face......i see that it is ridiculous to keep asking these what ifs when there is only one possible outcome.....only one outcome out of thousands of what ifs. In writing this, I have calmed myself. I know I cant worry about the what ifs.....I just need to wait. I need to see what situation arises and then act from there. I cant plan ahead...planning ahead may actually make the disappointment worse if this "man" isnt arrested.
I am back to a good place.....for now anyway
Thank you for listening, thank you for giving me somewhere to turn when I feel like I am losing my mind.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Lead? I think so
1:30 PM Tues 11/16/10
My day has been a little hectic......i am shaky and nervous,...but not for the usual reasons.
I just got few leads to look into that look pretty promising.
I got a phone call this morning, Im not really sure what to think yet...but I am definitely hopeful.
Im shaky and anxious that this might actually go my way. I am hopeful but cautious...I dont want to get all of my hopes up and get hit in the head with them later if this doesnt pan out.
This process is slow and painful, but i found hope when my rapist admitted it in this very blog, and i just found a little more hope this morning
Wish me luck :) Wish you all well
My day has been a little hectic......i am shaky and nervous,...but not for the usual reasons.
I just got few leads to look into that look pretty promising.
I got a phone call this morning, Im not really sure what to think yet...but I am definitely hopeful.
Im shaky and anxious that this might actually go my way. I am hopeful but cautious...I dont want to get all of my hopes up and get hit in the head with them later if this doesnt pan out.
This process is slow and painful, but i found hope when my rapist admitted it in this very blog, and i just found a little more hope this morning
Wish me luck :) Wish you all well
Monday, November 15, 2010
I cant stop laughing
Monday 11/15/10- 12 :22
I wasnt planning on writing today...it was nice having the weekend off....then I saw a bruise on the underpart of my forearm.
I had let a medical student start my infusion last thursday.....how else are they going to learn if they cant practice on people, right? She made me pretty nervous and I almost changed my mind and asked for a nurse....what changed my mind was that she was shaking in excitement and when she tore into the gauze I had never seen anyone so excited to open a pack of gauze before....I definitely thought she was going to butcher me.....but I let her do it anyway....she has to learn somehow...and most of the patients in infusion centers are older and probably wouldnt the best to test students on. She did pretty well, had to move the needle around a bit while it was in my arm...but she got the vein.....a little painful, but i get stuck with a needle every 8 weeks so im used to it. I was relieved to have it over with and was relaxing, watching some tv while putting together reports for work......I glanced down at my arm and it was turning bright red and a huge hard bubble was forming....the poor girl....she was so excited that she had gotten it right, and I had to tell her the needle needed to be taken out. Long story short, a nurse ended up putting the IV into my hand.
I noticed the bruising the next day.....and it took me right back to the days after my rape.
Its a little nerve racking.....is this going to happen every time there is a visible bruise on my body? I walk into desks or hit my hand on a door handle at least 3 or 4 times week......how can something as simple as a bruise bring me back there?? I guess im fortunate that it is winter so most of my body will be covered....but somehow for the past 4 or 5 days it has been sunny and mid 60s.....arms are visible.....
But enough of this sad stuff.....another thing happened to me this weekend and I couldnt take the smile off my face. If you have seen the Adam Sandler movie Grown Ups....you will have a pretty good visual, if you havent seen it, I suggest you run and go get it.....it was pretty funny, and to me, well as dumb as it sounds, it was another life line.....just another small thing in my life that brings my sense of humor back and reminds me that the stupid things in life are hilarious. This movie helped me make a little bit of fun at my situation....well not the situation itself, (rape is no joke) but a very big part of it.
Now, back to the visualizing. Take a long or quick look (however long you can stand it) at Rob Schneider's character in this movie.... take a nice look at the hair. While my rapists hair wasnt as high as this character....the first thing I thought of when the character was introduced in the movie....was my stupid rapist.....but I couldnt stop laughing! Finally! I have been looking for a way to convey just how ridiculous his hair was....well now I have it. And the fact of the matter is.....I was able to laugh and completely make fun of it.....my rapists hair was the most ridiculous hair I have ever seen.....and now a movie comes out....and its almost the exact same hairstyle....and one of the jokes throughout the entire movie is this characters hair.
Priceless on so many levels.
Got slammed with work this morning, so Im off to take care of that....hope everyone is doing well
I wasnt planning on writing today...it was nice having the weekend off....then I saw a bruise on the underpart of my forearm.
I had let a medical student start my infusion last thursday.....how else are they going to learn if they cant practice on people, right? She made me pretty nervous and I almost changed my mind and asked for a nurse....what changed my mind was that she was shaking in excitement and when she tore into the gauze I had never seen anyone so excited to open a pack of gauze before....I definitely thought she was going to butcher me.....but I let her do it anyway....she has to learn somehow...and most of the patients in infusion centers are older and probably wouldnt the best to test students on. She did pretty well, had to move the needle around a bit while it was in my arm...but she got the vein.....a little painful, but i get stuck with a needle every 8 weeks so im used to it. I was relieved to have it over with and was relaxing, watching some tv while putting together reports for work......I glanced down at my arm and it was turning bright red and a huge hard bubble was forming....the poor girl....she was so excited that she had gotten it right, and I had to tell her the needle needed to be taken out. Long story short, a nurse ended up putting the IV into my hand.
I noticed the bruising the next day.....and it took me right back to the days after my rape.
Its a little nerve racking.....is this going to happen every time there is a visible bruise on my body? I walk into desks or hit my hand on a door handle at least 3 or 4 times week......how can something as simple as a bruise bring me back there?? I guess im fortunate that it is winter so most of my body will be covered....but somehow for the past 4 or 5 days it has been sunny and mid 60s.....arms are visible.....
But enough of this sad stuff.....another thing happened to me this weekend and I couldnt take the smile off my face. If you have seen the Adam Sandler movie Grown Ups....you will have a pretty good visual, if you havent seen it, I suggest you run and go get it.....it was pretty funny, and to me, well as dumb as it sounds, it was another life line.....just another small thing in my life that brings my sense of humor back and reminds me that the stupid things in life are hilarious. This movie helped me make a little bit of fun at my situation....well not the situation itself, (rape is no joke) but a very big part of it.
Now, back to the visualizing. Take a long or quick look (however long you can stand it) at Rob Schneider's character in this movie.... take a nice look at the hair. While my rapists hair wasnt as high as this character....the first thing I thought of when the character was introduced in the movie....was my stupid rapist.....but I couldnt stop laughing! Finally! I have been looking for a way to convey just how ridiculous his hair was....well now I have it. And the fact of the matter is.....I was able to laugh and completely make fun of it.....my rapists hair was the most ridiculous hair I have ever seen.....and now a movie comes out....and its almost the exact same hairstyle....and one of the jokes throughout the entire movie is this characters hair.
Priceless on so many levels.
Got slammed with work this morning, so Im off to take care of that....hope everyone is doing well
Friday, November 12, 2010
The waiting game
Friday 11/12/10- 8:16 AM
The infusion I had yesterday took a bit more out of me than usual, I am definitely exhausted, struggling to keep my eyes open. Physically exhausted, but mentally I am still on a high.
Cris commented the other day that in reading what I have been posting lately and comparing to my posts early on I seem like a completely different person, that I seem to have been able to emotionally process everything. And she is completely right. I am an entirely different person than I was when I started this blog.
When I started I was scared, confused, frustrated and in desperate need of answers....any answer, at least just one answer to the thousands of questions running through my head. I dont go back and read what I have written, I dont want to relive what I was feeling and I dont want to take the chance that by in re-reading it, I will go back to the frame of mind I was in. Memory is a powerful thing, you shouldnt mess with it.
I do remember that in the beginning I couldnt seem to shut my thoughts out. Thousands of thoughts running through your mind is scary. You cant process anything. You have one thought, and immediately it leads into another....the What Ifs just keep hitting you. One thought literally leads to thousand of options. That may have been the scariest part of all of this for me. My mind couldnt process everything I was thinking and on top of that, no one would give me a single answer besides you need to wait or we cant tell you that right now. Knowing you cant get the answers you need on top of having more questions in your head at once than you ever thought possible, just makes everything that much more difficult.
I still havent gone to counseling. I have been lucky enough to have 2 people in my life that I can tell everything to. 2 people that understand sometimes I need to yell, sometimes I need to sit in silence, sometimes I just need to blurt out random song lyrics and act stupid....and sometimes I just need to cry. These 2 people have given me more than I can ever hope to give back to them. They kept my life as normal as they could. They dont ask questions all that often and when they do, and they can tell I dont want to talk about it, they leave it alone and dont push. The one day, about 2 weeks ago, when I finally broke and couldnt stop crying was the time I admitted to myself that maybe I did need to seek professional care.
I honestly told myself that the next day, I would find a counselor to speak to.
Somehow, when I woke up the following day, I had felt better than ever. I havent felt like crying since. I havent felt sad, I havent felt scared, Ive been able to get back to the place where I could at least slow my thoughts and process everything. I have been able to tell myself that none of this is in my control, so there is no reason to stress. I needed that one day. I needed to let out everything that has built up inside me since I was raped.
A few nights ago, you may have noticed I was repeatedly posting. Uncontrollably posting everything as I was sparked my comments my rapist was dumb enough to post to this blog. I couldnt believe it.....for 3 reasons 1) I got confirmation that he and his friends are seeing all of this. They know what I am going through, what their friend put me through. 2) they are all scared. What was posted was a bunch of name calling and trying to make me feel guilt. Posts saying that I should be ashamed of myself and I am giving "real" rape victims a bad name. 3) In his postings, he admitted his guilt. Not flat out "I raped you" . But enough words to admit that he did.
This night was my real turning point. The night where I decided I no longer have to be afraid, I no longer have to panic. The night I got an answer. Not the full answer I was looking for, but finally I got 1 answer.....in a month and a half of asking question after question I FINALLY GOT ONE ANSWER!
The answer I have been searching for is a name......a name would have given me some sense of closure. I honestly can say, had I gotten a name in the first place....I am really unsure how far I would have pursued this. This process of filing rape charges and trying to get a conviction is unconstitutionally long and drawn out. I just want to move on with my life and put this behind me...and the reason I couldnt do that was because I didnt get a name.......No point in dwelling on the past though, I didnt get a name and now you can be damn sure I will pursue this to the end. The answer I got was that my rapist, knows what he did to me was wrong, he knows he did this, he admitted to it.....he admitted it. The second I saw he admitted it, all of my anxiety just flushed out of my body....the feeling was unreal. The sense of calm that came over me.....amazing.
My rapist took away any control and power I had in my life when he raped me. My rapist also gave it all back and then some when he inadvertently admitted he did it. He handed power back over to me without even realizing it because he was so scared, and so angry that he messed up. Sometimes it pays to put the pressure on people....thats what I learn from this. He gave me an answer, he gave me power, he gave me control of my life again.
As I said before, I no longer feel the need to pressure the police department. I have my answer....now its up to them to process my case correctly and fight for me. I have to admit- I am the first to criticize the NOPD for their handling of rape cases.....I am skeptical of their need to now publicly announce every step they feel they are taking toward change........but at the same time, I can see that they actually are making an effort and that change takes time.....and I can only hope that other departments follow their lead.
Right now, I think I would be ok if this didnt go to trial.....I would be pissed for sure, but I have my answer. I have proof he raped me.....and im not sure what good it would do me that he goes to jail....he violated me and that cant be undone. Putting him in jail is just a bonus but it doesnt help take away the fact that I was raped. I say right now I would be ok with no trial.....but if that actually turns out to be true, I have no clue how I would handle it...... I may end up back in the emotional state I was in when this whole ordeal started... a fire would be lit under my ass and I would start my fight all over again........ I honestly dont know if I want to put myself through all of that again...it was exhausting!
There is no point in dwelling on the what ifs. I know this now. I can process this in my head. I have to deal with things as they come. I got an answer I am happy.
I am a different person than I was when I began posting. I was one person before the rape, I turned into another right after, and now I have become another whole new person. I'd like to think Im actually the new and improved version of my old self. I am the person I was before my rape, just a little stronger and a little more outspoken...... a little less afraid to speak my mind, a little less guarded about revealing my personal life to people. I'd like to think I am coming out on top of all of this. I am in a good place, and I like the person I have become......im hoping I dont have to become a fourth version of myself though....version number 3 has been the best me yet :)
Ok ...back to work....thanks for listening - Have a wonderful weekend everyone...I think I am going to take this one for myself and relax a bit
The infusion I had yesterday took a bit more out of me than usual, I am definitely exhausted, struggling to keep my eyes open. Physically exhausted, but mentally I am still on a high.
Cris commented the other day that in reading what I have been posting lately and comparing to my posts early on I seem like a completely different person, that I seem to have been able to emotionally process everything. And she is completely right. I am an entirely different person than I was when I started this blog.
When I started I was scared, confused, frustrated and in desperate need of answers....any answer, at least just one answer to the thousands of questions running through my head. I dont go back and read what I have written, I dont want to relive what I was feeling and I dont want to take the chance that by in re-reading it, I will go back to the frame of mind I was in. Memory is a powerful thing, you shouldnt mess with it.
I do remember that in the beginning I couldnt seem to shut my thoughts out. Thousands of thoughts running through your mind is scary. You cant process anything. You have one thought, and immediately it leads into another....the What Ifs just keep hitting you. One thought literally leads to thousand of options. That may have been the scariest part of all of this for me. My mind couldnt process everything I was thinking and on top of that, no one would give me a single answer besides you need to wait or we cant tell you that right now. Knowing you cant get the answers you need on top of having more questions in your head at once than you ever thought possible, just makes everything that much more difficult.
I still havent gone to counseling. I have been lucky enough to have 2 people in my life that I can tell everything to. 2 people that understand sometimes I need to yell, sometimes I need to sit in silence, sometimes I just need to blurt out random song lyrics and act stupid....and sometimes I just need to cry. These 2 people have given me more than I can ever hope to give back to them. They kept my life as normal as they could. They dont ask questions all that often and when they do, and they can tell I dont want to talk about it, they leave it alone and dont push. The one day, about 2 weeks ago, when I finally broke and couldnt stop crying was the time I admitted to myself that maybe I did need to seek professional care.
I honestly told myself that the next day, I would find a counselor to speak to.
Somehow, when I woke up the following day, I had felt better than ever. I havent felt like crying since. I havent felt sad, I havent felt scared, Ive been able to get back to the place where I could at least slow my thoughts and process everything. I have been able to tell myself that none of this is in my control, so there is no reason to stress. I needed that one day. I needed to let out everything that has built up inside me since I was raped.
A few nights ago, you may have noticed I was repeatedly posting. Uncontrollably posting everything as I was sparked my comments my rapist was dumb enough to post to this blog. I couldnt believe it.....for 3 reasons 1) I got confirmation that he and his friends are seeing all of this. They know what I am going through, what their friend put me through. 2) they are all scared. What was posted was a bunch of name calling and trying to make me feel guilt. Posts saying that I should be ashamed of myself and I am giving "real" rape victims a bad name. 3) In his postings, he admitted his guilt. Not flat out "I raped you" . But enough words to admit that he did.
This night was my real turning point. The night where I decided I no longer have to be afraid, I no longer have to panic. The night I got an answer. Not the full answer I was looking for, but finally I got 1 answer.....in a month and a half of asking question after question I FINALLY GOT ONE ANSWER!
The answer I have been searching for is a name......a name would have given me some sense of closure. I honestly can say, had I gotten a name in the first place....I am really unsure how far I would have pursued this. This process of filing rape charges and trying to get a conviction is unconstitutionally long and drawn out. I just want to move on with my life and put this behind me...and the reason I couldnt do that was because I didnt get a name.......No point in dwelling on the past though, I didnt get a name and now you can be damn sure I will pursue this to the end. The answer I got was that my rapist, knows what he did to me was wrong, he knows he did this, he admitted to it.....he admitted it. The second I saw he admitted it, all of my anxiety just flushed out of my body....the feeling was unreal. The sense of calm that came over me.....amazing.
My rapist took away any control and power I had in my life when he raped me. My rapist also gave it all back and then some when he inadvertently admitted he did it. He handed power back over to me without even realizing it because he was so scared, and so angry that he messed up. Sometimes it pays to put the pressure on people....thats what I learn from this. He gave me an answer, he gave me power, he gave me control of my life again.
As I said before, I no longer feel the need to pressure the police department. I have my answer....now its up to them to process my case correctly and fight for me. I have to admit- I am the first to criticize the NOPD for their handling of rape cases.....I am skeptical of their need to now publicly announce every step they feel they are taking toward change........but at the same time, I can see that they actually are making an effort and that change takes time.....and I can only hope that other departments follow their lead.
Right now, I think I would be ok if this didnt go to trial.....I would be pissed for sure, but I have my answer. I have proof he raped me.....and im not sure what good it would do me that he goes to jail....he violated me and that cant be undone. Putting him in jail is just a bonus but it doesnt help take away the fact that I was raped. I say right now I would be ok with no trial.....but if that actually turns out to be true, I have no clue how I would handle it...... I may end up back in the emotional state I was in when this whole ordeal started... a fire would be lit under my ass and I would start my fight all over again........ I honestly dont know if I want to put myself through all of that again...it was exhausting!
There is no point in dwelling on the what ifs. I know this now. I can process this in my head. I have to deal with things as they come. I got an answer I am happy.
I am a different person than I was when I began posting. I was one person before the rape, I turned into another right after, and now I have become another whole new person. I'd like to think Im actually the new and improved version of my old self. I am the person I was before my rape, just a little stronger and a little more outspoken...... a little less afraid to speak my mind, a little less guarded about revealing my personal life to people. I'd like to think I am coming out on top of all of this. I am in a good place, and I like the person I have become......im hoping I dont have to become a fourth version of myself though....version number 3 has been the best me yet :)
Ok ...back to work....thanks for listening - Have a wonderful weekend everyone...I think I am going to take this one for myself and relax a bit
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Do You Dare
Comments section is now once again open for posting....... Just saying ;)
Just a quick hello to cris and M4P (also chris) lol- hope you both are well
Just a quick hello to cris and M4P (also chris) lol- hope you both are well
Still on a roll
Thurs 11/11/10 8:39 AM
Im still doing pretty fantastic. Its been a full week of feeling great and not freaking out....its actually a little exhausting to have energy again, im a bit tired this morning. The good news is that I have my 3 hour treatment for Crohns so I get to not only leave work at 1 but then sleep pretty much for the rest of the day because the medication makes me pretty tired.
Im actually amazed at how calm what my rapist posted has made me. He admitted he raped me without meaning too....his hatred of this blog and myself for writing about what he did got to him and he posted in anger. Word to the wise, never post in anger. When you start name calling it only makes you look bad, like you have something to hide.....and once you start name calling, one thing leads to another and you end telling a rape victim you cant rape the willing- well nice job rapist, now, even if the DNA test came back inconclusive or whatever, you just admitted to the world that you did have sex with me. If there was any question now regarding what you have done, you just completely cleared it up.
And rapist, dont try claiming it wasnt you doing the posting.....the timestamps on the comments time perfectly with the time you would get home from work and check this blog.....because I am sure you wouldnt dare check at work. I bet it drives you crazy that you cant. I bet you think about it all day, kind of like I think about what you did to me all the time. Hmmm. Never post in anger.....you will inevitably dig your own grave.
I no longer feel the need to call the police department every day. Whenever they want to call me is just fine with me. This "man" admitted he raped me in a public forum....thats enough for me. No more shaking, no more nausea, no more waking in the middle of the night in a panic. Just calm and relaxed.
I do have to admit there is one thing that still gets me. Ive noticed that I cant be in a crowded room of people. I do start to panic in that situation. I never really had that problem before, but I have noticed that in a few of the meetings at work I have been called into, if there is a bunch of people in a small are I do start to freak out a little. But hey, Im not going to complain about that, there are worse things in the world, Im sure I will get over it.
Busy day at work again, maybe i will post later , maybe I wont......I really have nothing to vent about....and I dont want to brag about how well I am doing all the time :)
Enjoy your day world
Im still doing pretty fantastic. Its been a full week of feeling great and not freaking out....its actually a little exhausting to have energy again, im a bit tired this morning. The good news is that I have my 3 hour treatment for Crohns so I get to not only leave work at 1 but then sleep pretty much for the rest of the day because the medication makes me pretty tired.
Im actually amazed at how calm what my rapist posted has made me. He admitted he raped me without meaning too....his hatred of this blog and myself for writing about what he did got to him and he posted in anger. Word to the wise, never post in anger. When you start name calling it only makes you look bad, like you have something to hide.....and once you start name calling, one thing leads to another and you end telling a rape victim you cant rape the willing- well nice job rapist, now, even if the DNA test came back inconclusive or whatever, you just admitted to the world that you did have sex with me. If there was any question now regarding what you have done, you just completely cleared it up.
And rapist, dont try claiming it wasnt you doing the posting.....the timestamps on the comments time perfectly with the time you would get home from work and check this blog.....because I am sure you wouldnt dare check at work. I bet it drives you crazy that you cant. I bet you think about it all day, kind of like I think about what you did to me all the time. Hmmm. Never post in anger.....you will inevitably dig your own grave.
I no longer feel the need to call the police department every day. Whenever they want to call me is just fine with me. This "man" admitted he raped me in a public forum....thats enough for me. No more shaking, no more nausea, no more waking in the middle of the night in a panic. Just calm and relaxed.
I do have to admit there is one thing that still gets me. Ive noticed that I cant be in a crowded room of people. I do start to panic in that situation. I never really had that problem before, but I have noticed that in a few of the meetings at work I have been called into, if there is a bunch of people in a small are I do start to freak out a little. But hey, Im not going to complain about that, there are worse things in the world, Im sure I will get over it.
Busy day at work again, maybe i will post later , maybe I wont......I really have nothing to vent about....and I dont want to brag about how well I am doing all the time :)
Enjoy your day world
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Best Day Yet
Wed 9:00 AM 11/10/10-
Woke up this morning feeling better then ever!
The sun is actually out today and thats a rarity around here, my town is basically the Seattle of the east coast.
Woke up at 8, took my time getting ready for work, actually made myself look somewhat professional for the first time since I was raped. I feel great today.
I should be feeling like crap because the detective i spoke to last night completely backtracked on what he had told me before......but I dont. I feel like myself again. I cant control how fast or slow the lab processes my kit. I cant control how terribly the police department is handling my case. I am in control of none of it so why stress about it?
Not to mention, I got something I didnt even know I wanted last night. I got confirmation that my rapist and his friends are reading this and are scared. They too must be thinking about what they did to me every day. I am not the only one with crazy thoughts running through my mind. They think about what has been done, and they are scared. They even posted their comments under the screen name Leverage.....clever.....LOL.
This blog scares my rapist, that makes writing all of my emotions and all of the details of my live worth it.
I will no longer respond to any comments my rapist or his friends post because this blog is not about conversing with them. This blog is therapy for me. I am saying what I need to say, I am saying what I feel......and right now, I feel I dont need to converse with these people.
I will however continue to make jabs at them sometimes....well because lets face it, I hide behind humor and it makes me feel better to make fun of how pathetic this "man" is.
I finally have confirmation of at least something in this case and that is comforting. I have confirmation that my rapist is scared . I also have confirmation that my rapist is immature and uneducated as he had to resort to name calling and used the defense that you cant rape the willing......really????? You have to default to a statement like that??? to me, you making that statement is your admission that you raped me. Does anyone else see that?? That defense of yours just proved you raped me.....you just admitted to having sex with me....I was drunk.....you raped me. Congratulations rapist, you just proved my case
Today is a great day. Police department take your time....I know you will anyway. Get the case right. My rapist is scared. I can go on with my life knowing that and knowing that my life isnt over. My life can be great again, and it will be.
I finally feel like myself again........and its because my rapist just proved in his own words that he raped me.
Once again I ask the question....is a thank you card appropriate?? LOL , O wait, no one will give me your name so I guess A thank you and an E-Hug will have to do.
You may have destroyed my life for a while there, but last night you gave it all back and then some.
To everyone all over the world....and to the few new countries that joined reading this blog last night. Have a fantastic day and I wish you all well-
Woke up this morning feeling better then ever!
The sun is actually out today and thats a rarity around here, my town is basically the Seattle of the east coast.
Woke up at 8, took my time getting ready for work, actually made myself look somewhat professional for the first time since I was raped. I feel great today.
I should be feeling like crap because the detective i spoke to last night completely backtracked on what he had told me before......but I dont. I feel like myself again. I cant control how fast or slow the lab processes my kit. I cant control how terribly the police department is handling my case. I am in control of none of it so why stress about it?
Not to mention, I got something I didnt even know I wanted last night. I got confirmation that my rapist and his friends are reading this and are scared. They too must be thinking about what they did to me every day. I am not the only one with crazy thoughts running through my mind. They think about what has been done, and they are scared. They even posted their comments under the screen name Leverage.....clever.....LOL.
This blog scares my rapist, that makes writing all of my emotions and all of the details of my live worth it.
I will no longer respond to any comments my rapist or his friends post because this blog is not about conversing with them. This blog is therapy for me. I am saying what I need to say, I am saying what I feel......and right now, I feel I dont need to converse with these people.
I will however continue to make jabs at them sometimes....well because lets face it, I hide behind humor and it makes me feel better to make fun of how pathetic this "man" is.
I finally have confirmation of at least something in this case and that is comforting. I have confirmation that my rapist is scared . I also have confirmation that my rapist is immature and uneducated as he had to resort to name calling and used the defense that you cant rape the willing......really????? You have to default to a statement like that??? to me, you making that statement is your admission that you raped me. Does anyone else see that?? That defense of yours just proved you raped me.....you just admitted to having sex with me....I was drunk.....you raped me. Congratulations rapist, you just proved my case
Today is a great day. Police department take your time....I know you will anyway. Get the case right. My rapist is scared. I can go on with my life knowing that and knowing that my life isnt over. My life can be great again, and it will be.
I finally feel like myself again........and its because my rapist just proved in his own words that he raped me.
Once again I ask the question....is a thank you card appropriate?? LOL , O wait, no one will give me your name so I guess A thank you and an E-Hug will have to do.
You may have destroyed my life for a while there, but last night you gave it all back and then some.
To everyone all over the world....and to the few new countries that joined reading this blog last night. Have a fantastic day and I wish you all well-
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Changed my mind
This blog is about me, my experience, my trauma....nothing else. I will no longer leave the comments posted by my rapist and his friends posted for all to see.......they have already done enough damage to my life, and I have control now. I have control of what stays on this blog and what doesnt.
I think my rapists last name is Butler....but im not totally sure....... either way it doesnt matter.
this blog will no longer address anything said by my rapist or his friends, they shouldnt have been able to have such a big impact on my life in the first place.
I think my rapists last name is Butler....but im not totally sure....... either way it doesnt matter.
this blog will no longer address anything said by my rapist or his friends, they shouldnt have been able to have such a big impact on my life in the first place.
Phone Call
I just left another message on Dective #3 PHONE......cell phone this time....he called back about 5 minutes later......brushing all of my questions off , not able to answer a single one.
I was waiting until december to come back down and visit........looks like im making it november....see you soon new orleans
I was waiting until december to come back down and visit........looks like im making it november....see you soon new orleans
Anyway
Back to what this blog is about....this blog is not to fight with my rapist and his friends ........this blog is about me and my experience, and that is what it will remain......I will leave their comments up if they continue to feel the need to post.....but honestly, i will remove some of them if they are just completely ridiculous.....this is my blog, not their forum
Anyway.
Today I started to wonder- I think I may be leaning on one friend way too much and pushing another away.
I am pushing this friend away because she wants to be around all the time and just doesnt understand that I just feel like staying home and doing nothing. I also feel I am leaning on my other friend too much because he understands I want to be home and I dont want to go out all the time. He understands me and is willing to just stay home and watch movies all day. He is willing to not say a word when he knows I dont want to talk.....He is exactly what I need.......but this friend I am pushing away is also exactlly what I need. We were instant friends when we met, I am just in a such a bad place where i seem to be snapping at everyone.
Anyway.
Today I started to wonder- I think I may be leaning on one friend way too much and pushing another away.
I am pushing this friend away because she wants to be around all the time and just doesnt understand that I just feel like staying home and doing nothing. I also feel I am leaning on my other friend too much because he understands I want to be home and I dont want to go out all the time. He understands me and is willing to just stay home and watch movies all day. He is willing to not say a word when he knows I dont want to talk.....He is exactly what I need.......but this friend I am pushing away is also exactlly what I need. We were instant friends when we met, I am just in a such a bad place where i seem to be snapping at everyone.
I am also a USURPER
Look out world, I am usurping .....are you kidding me....just because I am a victim of rape and demanding justice I am a liar......I laugh at you. There are 2 people that know the whole story....me and my rapist....the police know my story, all true and my rapists story guarnteed to be fictional. Attack me all you want. I was raped. I am fighting back . He is getting pissed . deal with it. I will never stop fighting .....and i am not giving true rape victims a bad name, they should be proud of what Im doing and stand up for themselves in the same way. You attack your attacker and you are bound to get more results.
Done with the negativity. Boys you will not get this blog taken off the net......sorry to disappoint.
Goodnight world
Done with the negativity. Boys you will not get this blog taken off the net......sorry to disappoint.
Goodnight world
LOL apparently Im a sociopath
Hahahahaha ive been told you cant rape the willing.....so hilarious.
How was I willing. I turned down sex the first night only to turn around and decide that the guy I turned down might be worth something, so Yes i decided to have sex with him......note the words "sex with him"
Not sex with his friends, not sex with anything, only sex with him.....but I sit hear accused of being a whore because I saw something good in a man whom played it off that he was as interested in me as I was in him.
Clearly the person that posted this comment is involved in this case, therefore this comment will also stand. Bring it boys....you only bring more reason for me to fight and tell my story. You wont scare me, I wont back down. Start name calling, start fabricating as many stories as you can before your time runs out.
You are scared little boys, and its your own fault. You messed with the wrong girl. You messed with a girl that will not hide in shame, will come forward with every detail of her life, and fight for herself and any victim of rape that cannot stand up for themselves
Apparently I am a sociopath because I decided to stand up for my self and fight for my self when no one else would.....It has been claimed that I have already ruined the lives of these men i have been discussing.......untrue.....I have not posted any information pertinent to these men that gives positive ID to any one of them......but I should and I stand behind that. If they are willing to stand by their rapist friend, they should be aware that in doing so, they can be called out on such an action.....being friends with a rapist has consequences.....had I been given a name from the start, this whole thing could have been avoided and I would be sitting in NY enjoying my life.
If anyones life was ruined it was mine.....if i happened to take others down with me i wont apologize. I was raped by this person and if the justice system seems to think that they can take their sweet ass time handling something as serious as rape, something needs to be done with it.
I am smart enough to know that those posting the post trying to get me to post these names are trying to get this site to shut down.......i will not post.....not just yet......but when the time is right, you bet your ass I will . Their lives deserved to be ruined for associating and standing by a rapist that takes advantage of sleeping women.
Bring all the legal action you want......I am willing to be charged with anything you can come up with. Rape law, and the way our justice system handles rape needs to change, and if I have to take a hit to do it I am more than willing to.........I am not afraid of your idle threats and attempts to shut me down. I have all the information I need if I want to start a whole lot of hell raining down on these men......
You push me and push me and yet I just dont do it........why do you think this is?????
The next post calls me a blantant liar........hmmmmmmm who could this be> could it be the creeper with the most ridiculous hair I have ever seen trying to push my buttons to get this blog shut down?
Not a single word in this blog is a lie......meaning i am afraid of nothing....so keep trying, you are just fueling my fire to keep fighting......I will keep all the negative posts up....they help my case when i can prove where they came from.
Keep trying.........Im glad your life is as fucked up as mine from you raping me. You deserve much worse and I hope you get it. Have a wonderful night :)
How was I willing. I turned down sex the first night only to turn around and decide that the guy I turned down might be worth something, so Yes i decided to have sex with him......note the words "sex with him"
Not sex with his friends, not sex with anything, only sex with him.....but I sit hear accused of being a whore because I saw something good in a man whom played it off that he was as interested in me as I was in him.
Clearly the person that posted this comment is involved in this case, therefore this comment will also stand. Bring it boys....you only bring more reason for me to fight and tell my story. You wont scare me, I wont back down. Start name calling, start fabricating as many stories as you can before your time runs out.
You are scared little boys, and its your own fault. You messed with the wrong girl. You messed with a girl that will not hide in shame, will come forward with every detail of her life, and fight for herself and any victim of rape that cannot stand up for themselves
Apparently I am a sociopath because I decided to stand up for my self and fight for my self when no one else would.....It has been claimed that I have already ruined the lives of these men i have been discussing.......untrue.....I have not posted any information pertinent to these men that gives positive ID to any one of them......but I should and I stand behind that. If they are willing to stand by their rapist friend, they should be aware that in doing so, they can be called out on such an action.....being friends with a rapist has consequences.....had I been given a name from the start, this whole thing could have been avoided and I would be sitting in NY enjoying my life.
If anyones life was ruined it was mine.....if i happened to take others down with me i wont apologize. I was raped by this person and if the justice system seems to think that they can take their sweet ass time handling something as serious as rape, something needs to be done with it.
I am smart enough to know that those posting the post trying to get me to post these names are trying to get this site to shut down.......i will not post.....not just yet......but when the time is right, you bet your ass I will . Their lives deserved to be ruined for associating and standing by a rapist that takes advantage of sleeping women.
Bring all the legal action you want......I am willing to be charged with anything you can come up with. Rape law, and the way our justice system handles rape needs to change, and if I have to take a hit to do it I am more than willing to.........I am not afraid of your idle threats and attempts to shut me down. I have all the information I need if I want to start a whole lot of hell raining down on these men......
You push me and push me and yet I just dont do it........why do you think this is?????
The next post calls me a blantant liar........hmmmmmmm who could this be> could it be the creeper with the most ridiculous hair I have ever seen trying to push my buttons to get this blog shut down?
Not a single word in this blog is a lie......meaning i am afraid of nothing....so keep trying, you are just fueling my fire to keep fighting......I will keep all the negative posts up....they help my case when i can prove where they came from.
Keep trying.........Im glad your life is as fucked up as mine from you raping me. You deserve much worse and I hope you get it. Have a wonderful night :)
Still no phone call
2:49 11/9/10-
So I left a message for Detective #3 yesterday......I hadn't received a phone call back so I called and left another message at 12:13 PM today........still no answer...........is anyone surprised?
Dont tell me my kit has been fully processed and you will get more info to me if you arent going to follow through on your word....please and thank you
So I left a message for Detective #3 yesterday......I hadn't received a phone call back so I called and left another message at 12:13 PM today........still no answer...........is anyone surprised?
Dont tell me my kit has been fully processed and you will get more info to me if you arent going to follow through on your word....please and thank you
Monday, November 8, 2010
Back to Basics
7:15 Monday 11/8/10- sorry in advance, this may be long...im not sure what I have to say, but I feel like once I start typing I wont stop
A friend reminded me of something today. I started this blog as a way to deal with being raped. As an outlet for the non-stop thoughts running through my head. And when I started, I then decided to turn this into an informative blog so that victims of rape know what to expect and to know they are not alone.
What do I feel I have accomplished by blogging? I havent let the crazy, non stop obsessive thoughts make me go crazy. I have stood my ground, and while there are times when I cracked and broke down, I was able to bring myself back to a stable place in life.
I have spread the word of my story to over 30 countries around the world- I hope in my doing so I have helped those that may have been raped. I also hope that I have opened up some people's eyes to the fact that not all rape is violent, that rape victims dont come forward for dozens of reasons and that not every woman that accuses a man of rape is lying or out to get something.
Ive preserved my sanity, I hope i have educated, I hope i have touched someone's life that needed to know they werent alone. I hope I have inspired others to speak up and fight for what they know is right. I hope I have inspired people to not be so judgemental and maybe fight for another person when they feel they cant fight for themselves.
I started this blog because I didnt know what else to do.
I was raped, treated like a piece of shit by the police, and till this day still do not have the answers I am looking for. I started this blog because I did everything right after my lapse in judgement in trusting these men.
I reported my rape ASAP. I pointed my rapist out face to face to about 10 people in the department. I gave detailed descriptions of the house, where specific things were and where they would find the condom wrapper. As soon as I was told I could go, I went to the hospital escorted by the police and waited....for hours.
I held my urine as long as I could because I wanted to make sure all evidence was secured and would be viable. I submitted to a blood test. I let Detective Snazzy Pants read my entire phone log of texts between me and "my friend". I let the SANE nurse inspect every part of my body to get any , even the smallest piece of evidence. My underwear was taken as evidence at the house, I left my shirt behind because there was some sort of stain on it. I took the phone numbers that were given to me....all they led to was a circle of people telling me they didnt know or couldnt help me.
I was raped. I did everything a victim should do. Why dont I have answers?
I was raped and walked through a town to announce I was raped and no one would help me. I went to the media. I was raped, and no one would give me answers....I've never been raped before and I had no idea what to expect, but this is just insanity. I started this blog because I didnt know what else to do
I started this blog to keep my sanity, to document for others what to expect because there is almost no information available on the Internet as to the "procedure" of rape cases from the time they are reported.
I refuse to go back and read what I have written. I do not want to relive it....but there are a few things I am going to comment on in thinking about what I have documented.
I have turned into an angry, vengeful waste of space. This entire process of "procedure of a rape case" as turned me into an angry person willing to do anything possible to get my answers. I dont like feeling this way. I dont like that what this blog has come down to is me threatening to expose my rapists friends, because our justice system is flawed and I cant get the answers I need. I am not a vengeful person, and I fee like shit for turning into one
- with that said, If someone doesn't lead by example, nothing ever changes. If I dont do everything possible, nothing will change. I am willing to be punished for anything that comes from this blog because maybe someone is paying attention and will help my efforts to change things. If I get arrested or sued for standing up for myself and finding justice where the system has failed......I will accept it, go to the media and let them know exactly what I did and why.
We shouldnt have to live in a society where the rape victim is blamed every time. We shouldnt live in a society where rape victims are too ashamed or embarrassed to report the crime or stand up for themselves. Rape victims should not be afraid of any backlash from telling the truth. While I cant guarantee you will not come out of this emotionally unharmed, taking charge and fighting for yourself is pretty powerful and for me at least, make things a little easier.
This blog from what I can recall has documented me going from a scared, panicky woman, into a woman who broke and didnt want to get out of bed, into a woman full of rage , followed by a woman willing to spend hours upon hours digging up the information on those who harmed her. In summation, I dont like where this is taking me. I dont like that it is making me vengeful and I will do my best to recognize when I am being so. But take note, I am assuming becoming vengeful is normal....sort of like the "steps of grief".....im sure theres some sort of "steps of trauma"
I have noticed that when negative things are said it makes me want to fight even more. That is why the comment I am assuming is from my rapist or one of his friends will remain posted. The comment calls me an attention whore and says this blog is garbage.....I have been dared to name names so that this blog will be shut down and taken off the internet. I am threatened with libel and slander........once again, i reiterate its neither libel or slander when its true. I am not afraid to post this information. My rapist or his friends also referred to me as an idiot if I release this information. I will tell you right now, I am no idiot,.....and I will decide if and when I do release this information- I know they are trying to get this site to shut down , so at this point I will let them breathe easy and not release the names just yet.......but as soon as I hear back from Detective #3 that may change. I havent heard from him yet tonight, but last time he called around 9 PM so im giving him a bit more time. If I dont hear back you can bet your ass Im calling him tomorrow.
Catch 22- do I release their names and lose my blog....it clearly has them scared- or do I give them their anonymity and keep writing which im sure will piss them off.
My friend I mentioned before informed me how I can save this blog to my hard drive, so that in case I release these names and get shut down......I will still have what I have written, which should help in my case seeing how I refuse to try and remember any of it. So I assure you, I have backed up this blog, even went old school and put it on a disk just for safe keeping.
Right now, Im feeling great. Ive actually been feeling great since last Wednesday....I havent had a bad day and that gives me so much hope. I know I am going to have days where I want stay in bed all day, and I also know thats ok...you do what you have to do to get through.
To my rapist, just because you stopped when you were told doesnt mean it wasnt rape. Now that I know you are reading this, answer me a few questions.
1)If I wouldnt sleep with your friend, who is by far more superior looking than you on the first night, what makes you think I would have even entertained the thought of having sex with you after not knowing who the heck you were?? I would comment on your charm....but I dont know you, I know nothing of your personality besides the fact that you get off on taking advantage of women.
2)Have you gotten your hair cut yet??
3)Have your friends questioned you about what really happened??? Oh wait, stupid question, you have already proven yourself to be a liar....so even if they did Im sure you lied to them
4) Did you have a girlfriend when you did this to me?
5) What is it about a passed out girl that makes you get an erection?
6) Why did you throw the condom in a cup of alcohol that wasnt even in the room where you raped me?
I hope it was worth it creeper
I could go on and on here but thinking about you is not the hi-lite of my day.
Anyway, Im exhausted. Long day of work tomorrow....Goodnight world
A friend reminded me of something today. I started this blog as a way to deal with being raped. As an outlet for the non-stop thoughts running through my head. And when I started, I then decided to turn this into an informative blog so that victims of rape know what to expect and to know they are not alone.
What do I feel I have accomplished by blogging? I havent let the crazy, non stop obsessive thoughts make me go crazy. I have stood my ground, and while there are times when I cracked and broke down, I was able to bring myself back to a stable place in life.
I have spread the word of my story to over 30 countries around the world- I hope in my doing so I have helped those that may have been raped. I also hope that I have opened up some people's eyes to the fact that not all rape is violent, that rape victims dont come forward for dozens of reasons and that not every woman that accuses a man of rape is lying or out to get something.
Ive preserved my sanity, I hope i have educated, I hope i have touched someone's life that needed to know they werent alone. I hope I have inspired others to speak up and fight for what they know is right. I hope I have inspired people to not be so judgemental and maybe fight for another person when they feel they cant fight for themselves.
I started this blog because I didnt know what else to do.
I was raped, treated like a piece of shit by the police, and till this day still do not have the answers I am looking for. I started this blog because I did everything right after my lapse in judgement in trusting these men.
I reported my rape ASAP. I pointed my rapist out face to face to about 10 people in the department. I gave detailed descriptions of the house, where specific things were and where they would find the condom wrapper. As soon as I was told I could go, I went to the hospital escorted by the police and waited....for hours.
I held my urine as long as I could because I wanted to make sure all evidence was secured and would be viable. I submitted to a blood test. I let Detective Snazzy Pants read my entire phone log of texts between me and "my friend". I let the SANE nurse inspect every part of my body to get any , even the smallest piece of evidence. My underwear was taken as evidence at the house, I left my shirt behind because there was some sort of stain on it. I took the phone numbers that were given to me....all they led to was a circle of people telling me they didnt know or couldnt help me.
I was raped. I did everything a victim should do. Why dont I have answers?
I was raped and walked through a town to announce I was raped and no one would help me. I went to the media. I was raped, and no one would give me answers....I've never been raped before and I had no idea what to expect, but this is just insanity. I started this blog because I didnt know what else to do
I started this blog to keep my sanity, to document for others what to expect because there is almost no information available on the Internet as to the "procedure" of rape cases from the time they are reported.
I refuse to go back and read what I have written. I do not want to relive it....but there are a few things I am going to comment on in thinking about what I have documented.
I have turned into an angry, vengeful waste of space. This entire process of "procedure of a rape case" as turned me into an angry person willing to do anything possible to get my answers. I dont like feeling this way. I dont like that what this blog has come down to is me threatening to expose my rapists friends, because our justice system is flawed and I cant get the answers I need. I am not a vengeful person, and I fee like shit for turning into one
- with that said, If someone doesn't lead by example, nothing ever changes. If I dont do everything possible, nothing will change. I am willing to be punished for anything that comes from this blog because maybe someone is paying attention and will help my efforts to change things. If I get arrested or sued for standing up for myself and finding justice where the system has failed......I will accept it, go to the media and let them know exactly what I did and why.
We shouldnt have to live in a society where the rape victim is blamed every time. We shouldnt live in a society where rape victims are too ashamed or embarrassed to report the crime or stand up for themselves. Rape victims should not be afraid of any backlash from telling the truth. While I cant guarantee you will not come out of this emotionally unharmed, taking charge and fighting for yourself is pretty powerful and for me at least, make things a little easier.
This blog from what I can recall has documented me going from a scared, panicky woman, into a woman who broke and didnt want to get out of bed, into a woman full of rage , followed by a woman willing to spend hours upon hours digging up the information on those who harmed her. In summation, I dont like where this is taking me. I dont like that it is making me vengeful and I will do my best to recognize when I am being so. But take note, I am assuming becoming vengeful is normal....sort of like the "steps of grief".....im sure theres some sort of "steps of trauma"
I have noticed that when negative things are said it makes me want to fight even more. That is why the comment I am assuming is from my rapist or one of his friends will remain posted. The comment calls me an attention whore and says this blog is garbage.....I have been dared to name names so that this blog will be shut down and taken off the internet. I am threatened with libel and slander........once again, i reiterate its neither libel or slander when its true. I am not afraid to post this information. My rapist or his friends also referred to me as an idiot if I release this information. I will tell you right now, I am no idiot,.....and I will decide if and when I do release this information- I know they are trying to get this site to shut down , so at this point I will let them breathe easy and not release the names just yet.......but as soon as I hear back from Detective #3 that may change. I havent heard from him yet tonight, but last time he called around 9 PM so im giving him a bit more time. If I dont hear back you can bet your ass Im calling him tomorrow.
Catch 22- do I release their names and lose my blog....it clearly has them scared- or do I give them their anonymity and keep writing which im sure will piss them off.
My friend I mentioned before informed me how I can save this blog to my hard drive, so that in case I release these names and get shut down......I will still have what I have written, which should help in my case seeing how I refuse to try and remember any of it. So I assure you, I have backed up this blog, even went old school and put it on a disk just for safe keeping.
Right now, Im feeling great. Ive actually been feeling great since last Wednesday....I havent had a bad day and that gives me so much hope. I know I am going to have days where I want stay in bed all day, and I also know thats ok...you do what you have to do to get through.
To my rapist, just because you stopped when you were told doesnt mean it wasnt rape. Now that I know you are reading this, answer me a few questions.
1)If I wouldnt sleep with your friend, who is by far more superior looking than you on the first night, what makes you think I would have even entertained the thought of having sex with you after not knowing who the heck you were?? I would comment on your charm....but I dont know you, I know nothing of your personality besides the fact that you get off on taking advantage of women.
2)Have you gotten your hair cut yet??
3)Have your friends questioned you about what really happened??? Oh wait, stupid question, you have already proven yourself to be a liar....so even if they did Im sure you lied to them
4) Did you have a girlfriend when you did this to me?
5) What is it about a passed out girl that makes you get an erection?
6) Why did you throw the condom in a cup of alcohol that wasnt even in the room where you raped me?
I hope it was worth it creeper
I could go on and on here but thinking about you is not the hi-lite of my day.
Anyway, Im exhausted. Long day of work tomorrow....Goodnight world
Rape Kit
2:50 11/8/10-
Cant remember if I have posted this or not.....I got a call from Detective 3 Thursday night around 9- He had gotten word my kit had been completely processed and they were now waiting on for the report to get put together.
Of course I havent heard back yet, but I just called and left a message....maybe I will get my name tonight afterall :)
Cant remember if I have posted this or not.....I got a call from Detective 3 Thursday night around 9- He had gotten word my kit had been completely processed and they were now waiting on for the report to get put together.
Of course I havent heard back yet, but I just called and left a message....maybe I will get my name tonight afterall :)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
ATTENTION- I HAVE BEEN CALLED OUT but Im feeling OH SO GOOD
10:23 11/7/10
I have been called out by a not so friendly reader. I have been threatened that by releasing names i can be charged with 1)libel 2) slander- Let me get it straight out in the open when I say 1)its not slander or libel if its true....you are friends with a rapist. So unless you arent friends with him anymore....its neither libel or slander.
Let me also point out that I will gladly accept any charges against me- I have nothing to lose, everything has already been taken from me.....I am not afraid, so bring it.
Now that being said.....If i dont get my answer by tomorrow.....Kevin, Paul and Mac....your last names will be posted, as well as where you work and what fraternities you were in.
I dont care if they shut down this website as you have threatened me with......enough people are smart enough to find where the next website will come from.
I have been raped, I think I can handle a little libel and slander charge if you are willing to pay a lawyer that will try to fight this....o wait.,.....one of you can fight this for yourself right seeing how you passed the bar in July of 2008....
Oh and I have also been referred to as an attention WHORE....interesting choice of words boys. If you dont like what I have to say, simply stop reading. Name calling??? My only question of which one of you boys is the one that posted that comment and hid behind anonymity.
Everyone have a fantastic night and look forward to tomorrow, I know I am
I have been called out by a not so friendly reader. I have been threatened that by releasing names i can be charged with 1)libel 2) slander- Let me get it straight out in the open when I say 1)its not slander or libel if its true....you are friends with a rapist. So unless you arent friends with him anymore....its neither libel or slander.
Let me also point out that I will gladly accept any charges against me- I have nothing to lose, everything has already been taken from me.....I am not afraid, so bring it.
Now that being said.....If i dont get my answer by tomorrow.....Kevin, Paul and Mac....your last names will be posted, as well as where you work and what fraternities you were in.
I dont care if they shut down this website as you have threatened me with......enough people are smart enough to find where the next website will come from.
I have been raped, I think I can handle a little libel and slander charge if you are willing to pay a lawyer that will try to fight this....o wait.,.....one of you can fight this for yourself right seeing how you passed the bar in July of 2008....
Oh and I have also been referred to as an attention WHORE....interesting choice of words boys. If you dont like what I have to say, simply stop reading. Name calling??? My only question of which one of you boys is the one that posted that comment and hid behind anonymity.
Everyone have a fantastic night and look forward to tomorrow, I know I am
Friday, November 5, 2010
Family time
So its my moms birthday.....i now have a full house again because the sisters came to town.
Love my family but a weekend constantly around people is not really what Im up for.
Not to mention they have been here an hour and I am already annoyed.
My one sister discovered the Antoine video-the one where a man tried to rape his sister and he fought him off. The one where they made a song out of his tv interview....because lets face it...it was pretty hilarious when he was talking about snatching people up...... but now they have been consistently singing this song....and I am getting pretty annoyed pretty quickly.....its my own fault for not telling them I was raped but still......just shut the F up please
Love my family but a weekend constantly around people is not really what Im up for.
Not to mention they have been here an hour and I am already annoyed.
My one sister discovered the Antoine video-the one where a man tried to rape his sister and he fought him off. The one where they made a song out of his tv interview....because lets face it...it was pretty hilarious when he was talking about snatching people up...... but now they have been consistently singing this song....and I am getting pretty annoyed pretty quickly.....its my own fault for not telling them I was raped but still......just shut the F up please
Grandstanding
11/5/10
While I am glad to see the NOPD so public about how they are once again "revamping" how they handle rape cases, Im finding their actions to be completely questionable.
Go to Nola.com - There is a picture of a man, accused of rape, charges have just been filed.
Lets just think about this.
I have a few things to say
1) Irresponsible journalism- This picture was intially posted with very little information, including pointing out that no details were available.......seriously? How does this happen. Lets all run out and trash this man's life without getting a single detail behind why charges actually came to fruition...... As you all know, I am all for naming rapists and making it public.....but information needs to be available to the public before such a thing is done.
2) The Leaders involved with "revamping" the sex crimes division are so backed into a corner right now, that they seem to be reporting to the media or holding press conferences once a week to reiterate the fact that they are making changes. Now I dont know how this story got released to the press....but if the department did so in order to draw more attention to the fact that they have cleaned up their act and have made an arrest from a rape in June, Im pretty disgusted. In my dealings with the department I had initially been treated with hostility and now im just getting the run around. I wouldnt be suprised if the department was behind trying to make this local man an example that their changes are working
If this man wasnt a locally "famous" person, would the press have plastered his picture like that? Is NOPD behind the splashing of this story out to the media trying to prove they are taking action?
You decide
Its now approx 1 hour after I posted this, and Im not claiming to have anything to do with anything, but I have a feeling most that read the original article felt the same way- the entire article has been re-written......interesting
While I am glad to see the NOPD so public about how they are once again "revamping" how they handle rape cases, Im finding their actions to be completely questionable.
Go to Nola.com - There is a picture of a man, accused of rape, charges have just been filed.
Lets just think about this.
I have a few things to say
1) Irresponsible journalism- This picture was intially posted with very little information, including pointing out that no details were available.......seriously? How does this happen. Lets all run out and trash this man's life without getting a single detail behind why charges actually came to fruition...... As you all know, I am all for naming rapists and making it public.....but information needs to be available to the public before such a thing is done.
2) The Leaders involved with "revamping" the sex crimes division are so backed into a corner right now, that they seem to be reporting to the media or holding press conferences once a week to reiterate the fact that they are making changes. Now I dont know how this story got released to the press....but if the department did so in order to draw more attention to the fact that they have cleaned up their act and have made an arrest from a rape in June, Im pretty disgusted. In my dealings with the department I had initially been treated with hostility and now im just getting the run around. I wouldnt be suprised if the department was behind trying to make this local man an example that their changes are working
If this man wasnt a locally "famous" person, would the press have plastered his picture like that? Is NOPD behind the splashing of this story out to the media trying to prove they are taking action?
You decide
Its now approx 1 hour after I posted this, and Im not claiming to have anything to do with anything, but I have a feeling most that read the original article felt the same way- the entire article has been re-written......interesting
Dear Rapist
11/5/10-
Dear Rapist- I am almost positive I saw the side of your face in a picture yesterday...if it wasnt you it was your brother. Im a little disturbed at it....I dont want to remember your face, but at the same time, I now know for sure that If I have to point you and your hilarious hair out in a lineup I can.
You are a very unattractive man , and I feel sorry for you that you had to sneek into a womans bed.
Im pretty sure I know your last name, but I wont reveal it until I know Ive got the right guy
Dear Rapist- you can thank your friends for the Civil Suit I am now considering filing against you. Your friends wouldnt give me your name, and this has been causing sever emotional distress , not to mention costing me money. Your friends are such good friends that I will now be suing you in court.
Dear friends of my rapist- I have a listing of over 300 of your friends and a few family members, I will be contacting them to let them all know the kind of people you are.
Enjoy your Day
Dear Rapist- I am almost positive I saw the side of your face in a picture yesterday...if it wasnt you it was your brother. Im a little disturbed at it....I dont want to remember your face, but at the same time, I now know for sure that If I have to point you and your hilarious hair out in a lineup I can.
You are a very unattractive man , and I feel sorry for you that you had to sneek into a womans bed.
Im pretty sure I know your last name, but I wont reveal it until I know Ive got the right guy
Dear Rapist- you can thank your friends for the Civil Suit I am now considering filing against you. Your friends wouldnt give me your name, and this has been causing sever emotional distress , not to mention costing me money. Your friends are such good friends that I will now be suing you in court.
Dear friends of my rapist- I have a listing of over 300 of your friends and a few family members, I will be contacting them to let them all know the kind of people you are.
Enjoy your Day
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Dear friends of my rapist #2
9:23 PM 11/4/10
Dear friends of my rapist- i now have a listing of 300 of your closest friends i am considering talking to.
Kevins 2 brothers, Macs sister and brother, Paul a sister??????
I also know a high school.....or should I say college preparatory school
I will also be coming to Phoenix to speak with your fine police department....and if my rapist is one of the boys from Cali.....i will make a trip out there too :)
how much longer can you boys hold out before you force me to come forward with this info
Thank you to everyone all over the word that is reading this, most of you found me through twitter.....I as that you follow me on twitter so I can prove to the NOPD that under reporting of rape and treating victims like its there fault will some day come to an end. Maybe if they see how many people are behind me we can make some sort of impact. And if you do find me on twitter, I just posted a pic of my "FRIEND"....ya know the guy i liked that is friends with my rapist......its blurry...and there is a reason for that....I do have much more clear pictures of him I will be willing to post if i dont get some answers soon
Good night all
Dear friends of my rapist- i now have a listing of 300 of your closest friends i am considering talking to.
Kevins 2 brothers, Macs sister and brother, Paul a sister??????
I also know a high school.....or should I say college preparatory school
I will also be coming to Phoenix to speak with your fine police department....and if my rapist is one of the boys from Cali.....i will make a trip out there too :)
how much longer can you boys hold out before you force me to come forward with this info
Thank you to everyone all over the word that is reading this, most of you found me through twitter.....I as that you follow me on twitter so I can prove to the NOPD that under reporting of rape and treating victims like its there fault will some day come to an end. Maybe if they see how many people are behind me we can make some sort of impact. And if you do find me on twitter, I just posted a pic of my "FRIEND"....ya know the guy i liked that is friends with my rapist......its blurry...and there is a reason for that....I do have much more clear pictures of him I will be willing to post if i dont get some answers soon
Good night all
Dear Friends of My Rapist
11/4/10
Dear friends of my rapist- I had a very productive day today. I didnt get the information I wanted, but the information I got will have to do for now.
Dear friends of my rapist- I know the names and addresses of where you work.
Dear friends of my rapist- I know where you went to college.......and law school for one
Dear friends of my rapist- I know what fraternities you were in
Dear friend of my rapist- I know the year you passed the bar.....July 08' sound familiar
Dear friends of my rapist- this can all go away if I just get the name. If not, im pretty positive all of this information will be made public . Can you handle people from over 25 different countries that are reading this knowing that A) you're friends with a rapist and B) none of you are decent enough to help the woman he raped
Dear friends of my rapist- all I want is his name and you can forget all about me
Dear friends of my rapist- I had a very productive day today. I didnt get the information I wanted, but the information I got will have to do for now.
Dear friends of my rapist- I know the names and addresses of where you work.
Dear friends of my rapist- I know where you went to college.......and law school for one
Dear friends of my rapist- I know what fraternities you were in
Dear friend of my rapist- I know the year you passed the bar.....July 08' sound familiar
Dear friends of my rapist- this can all go away if I just get the name. If not, im pretty positive all of this information will be made public . Can you handle people from over 25 different countries that are reading this knowing that A) you're friends with a rapist and B) none of you are decent enough to help the woman he raped
Dear friends of my rapist- all I want is his name and you can forget all about me
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Ever Have One of Those Days?
6:51 11/3/10
Ever have one of those days.....where everything goes so right and just falls into place?
When even if a problem came up, you still manage to stay in a phenominal mood and take care of it?
Thats today for me. I cant remember the last time I had this much energy....its amazing what actually being able to sleep through an entire night can do for a girl
I should have been miserable today....all day getting hit with more and more work....yet somehow i didnt care, stayed a little late, and got it all done. No big deal.
Ever have one of those days where your car ride home from work is a playlist you would have picked yourself? Where every song that comes on is one of your favorite songs and the more in a row that come on the louder and louder you sing and smile, well just cuz you plain love singing when no ones in the car with you.
I found out that driving may be where my best ideas come to light....maybe next trip to New Orleans I will drive the whole way....im pretty sure I could come up with a whole list of ways to make someones life hell until I get answers. Oh yeah, did I mention....that while Ive been having this amazing day, and had this fantastic car ride full of fabulous music going on.....I had another Epiphany Moment.....
I dont know what it is about driving...but damn.....
And as if I didnt feel dumb enough that my trust in other people resulted in me being raped....I cant believe I hadnt thought of this before.....i have been stressing over getting this "man's" name......and it just came to me in this car ride....Im pretty sure I have a way to get it.....I will keep you updated because I am hoping above all else that I am right...and by this time tomorrow I will have his name.
Time for dinner....sorry if this seems a little spastic but I am so excited!
Ever have one of those days.....where everything goes so right and just falls into place?
When even if a problem came up, you still manage to stay in a phenominal mood and take care of it?
Thats today for me. I cant remember the last time I had this much energy....its amazing what actually being able to sleep through an entire night can do for a girl
I should have been miserable today....all day getting hit with more and more work....yet somehow i didnt care, stayed a little late, and got it all done. No big deal.
Ever have one of those days where your car ride home from work is a playlist you would have picked yourself? Where every song that comes on is one of your favorite songs and the more in a row that come on the louder and louder you sing and smile, well just cuz you plain love singing when no ones in the car with you.
I found out that driving may be where my best ideas come to light....maybe next trip to New Orleans I will drive the whole way....im pretty sure I could come up with a whole list of ways to make someones life hell until I get answers. Oh yeah, did I mention....that while Ive been having this amazing day, and had this fantastic car ride full of fabulous music going on.....I had another Epiphany Moment.....
I dont know what it is about driving...but damn.....
And as if I didnt feel dumb enough that my trust in other people resulted in me being raped....I cant believe I hadnt thought of this before.....i have been stressing over getting this "man's" name......and it just came to me in this car ride....Im pretty sure I have a way to get it.....I will keep you updated because I am hoping above all else that I am right...and by this time tomorrow I will have his name.
Time for dinner....sorry if this seems a little spastic but I am so excited!
Better - and a little more info on the friends
10:30 11/3/10-
Definately feeling much better today. Believe it or not I am actually in a great mood, which is odd because its month end and I am beyond swamped in work.
I think its because I actually got some sleep last night- I kept my computer in another room so I couldnt do any research no matter how badly I wanted to....out of site out of mind concept, except it was definately still on my mind, I just had enough restraint to know I am in desperate need of a good night sleep and no matter how badly I needed to research I couldnt, I cant let myself fall apart again like I did yesterday afternoon.
The only bad part about actually almost sleeping through an entire night was that I had to go back to the 1 Ativan and 1/2 an Ambien to do it. I dont want to have to resort to that for the rest of my life, but the way I feel right now......it may be worth it just to get back to being myself again.
Im not snapping at my best friend, Im taking on more work than I should be...but thats ok because I do love my job and I am in a great emotional state right now, I am able to keep the office door open and joke around with my friends.........my mind is constantly wandering to the thoughts that my rape kit should be back by now but I still havent gotten a phone call, but I just shake it off.....there is nothing I can do about it so why let it get to me.
I was planning on going back to New Orleans on the 20th, but my best friend cant go now. My mom says she will go but I feel bad because November is a very crazy month for her. I have a hotel booked.....I have been watching for cheap flights...but they have been over $300 and pretty crappy flights for the past week so I havent booked. I am not sure if I am ok with not going back and getting answers, but I dont want to stress my mother out already more than she is. But if a super cheap flight comes along....Im there.
Not to mention I already have a flight and hotel booked for December, so I know I should have answers by then, and if I dont, I will take to the streets again. My kit was supposed to be processed and completed last friday.....if I dont have an answer by December I am going back and causing trouble for sure.
Im also considering offering a reward for the person that can give me my rapists name.....as long as it turns out to be true of course. I find it pretty shitty that my rapist is being afforded more rights than I am as the victim. Money makes people talk........
Also, I am pissed.....here is an even further clue to the identities of my rapists friends.....if you know people that are friends, that have these names.....maybe you can help me
Mac F., Paul R., Kevin L., Don aka Left BLOW ( dont get me started on that...and if you know someone with this nickname....im pretty sure hes the only one so......help a girl out here) and Mike whom is married and has at least 1 child. These men all live in Arizona.....the Phoenix/Scottsdale area......
If I get a name that pans out....it will be worth this "whistle blowers" while
Thanks for listening and have a wonderful day ...because I am :)
Definately feeling much better today. Believe it or not I am actually in a great mood, which is odd because its month end and I am beyond swamped in work.
I think its because I actually got some sleep last night- I kept my computer in another room so I couldnt do any research no matter how badly I wanted to....out of site out of mind concept, except it was definately still on my mind, I just had enough restraint to know I am in desperate need of a good night sleep and no matter how badly I needed to research I couldnt, I cant let myself fall apart again like I did yesterday afternoon.
The only bad part about actually almost sleeping through an entire night was that I had to go back to the 1 Ativan and 1/2 an Ambien to do it. I dont want to have to resort to that for the rest of my life, but the way I feel right now......it may be worth it just to get back to being myself again.
Im not snapping at my best friend, Im taking on more work than I should be...but thats ok because I do love my job and I am in a great emotional state right now, I am able to keep the office door open and joke around with my friends.........my mind is constantly wandering to the thoughts that my rape kit should be back by now but I still havent gotten a phone call, but I just shake it off.....there is nothing I can do about it so why let it get to me.
I was planning on going back to New Orleans on the 20th, but my best friend cant go now. My mom says she will go but I feel bad because November is a very crazy month for her. I have a hotel booked.....I have been watching for cheap flights...but they have been over $300 and pretty crappy flights for the past week so I havent booked. I am not sure if I am ok with not going back and getting answers, but I dont want to stress my mother out already more than she is. But if a super cheap flight comes along....Im there.
Not to mention I already have a flight and hotel booked for December, so I know I should have answers by then, and if I dont, I will take to the streets again. My kit was supposed to be processed and completed last friday.....if I dont have an answer by December I am going back and causing trouble for sure.
Im also considering offering a reward for the person that can give me my rapists name.....as long as it turns out to be true of course. I find it pretty shitty that my rapist is being afforded more rights than I am as the victim. Money makes people talk........
Also, I am pissed.....here is an even further clue to the identities of my rapists friends.....if you know people that are friends, that have these names.....maybe you can help me
Mac F., Paul R., Kevin L., Don aka Left BLOW ( dont get me started on that...and if you know someone with this nickname....im pretty sure hes the only one so......help a girl out here) and Mike whom is married and has at least 1 child. These men all live in Arizona.....the Phoenix/Scottsdale area......
If I get a name that pans out....it will be worth this "whistle blowers" while
Thanks for listening and have a wonderful day ...because I am :)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Broken
For the first time in my life I feel helpless, hopeless and weak, I cant stop crying. I have to type and re-type these words my hands are shaking so badly. I guess its good that I can actually cry about it now.
I am a person that believes in Karma.....and all I can think to myself is what did I do in life to deserve this.
I am finally broken
I am a person that believes in Karma.....and all I can think to myself is what did I do in life to deserve this.
I am finally broken
Still nothing
Just another day, its Nov 2nd, 6:45 AM and I am back at work. Couldnt sleep last night, as usual. I dont want to become dependent on medications for the rest of my life so I havent been taking the Ativan...but I can definitely tell I dont sleep when I dont take it.
Someone commented on my last posting asking if I was ok with everything I said. Truth is, I have to be. I have to be prepared for that phone call to actually come and tell me there is nothing they can do for me. Thats all I have been told from the start so why would it change now? I have to be ok with the fact that more often than not, pathetic rapist pieces of shit just get away with it because our screwed up system lets them. Im sure I wont feel this way long, I seem to go back and forth with emotion a lot lately. Ive gained like 8 pounds since this happened....talk about eating your feelings, lol. Not to mention my face has broken out hardcore. I try to tell all the people that know about this here that I am not stressed and that whatever happens, happens...but apparently its written all over my face that im stressed.... Im not all that great with makeup so you should see this disaster right now.
The one thing I am not ok with is this happening to another woman by this same man. Which if I do not get a trial or do not get a name, I am 100% sure it will, it may even have already happened. That is why I would be just happy enough to get a name and get it out there that he is a rapist. I dont care if he tries to sue me, it would be on him to prove he wasnt a rapist....not to mention good luck getting money that I cant even afford to pay my credit card lenders. I am really starting to think that the only way I will get any answers is to release the last names of his friends that I do know.....and release where they work. Hopefully someone they know would be willing to tell me who this pathetic excuse for a man is. Im leaning towards doing this ....if I had to give it a number right now, i'd say its 90-10 in favor of me giving out the rest of the information I have.
In thinking about all of this, I guess Im not ok with any of what I said in my last post, but I may be forced to be. There is only so much you can do when anyone you speak with refuses to help you. Im not ok with being this exhausted all of the time. Im not ok with hiding in my office with the door shut avoiding people that have for some reason begun to annoy the shit out of me. Im not ok with letting one asshole do this to my life.
Im hoping once I get a little bit of consistency in my sleep I wont be this way any more. And Jess, I have every intention of responding to you, I am just so exhausted and so annoyed with everything around me I'm just finding it hard to concentrate and do what you told me.
I do have to say that I am absolutely amazed at the amount of awareness/attention this blog has been receiving. Even in the week where I didnt post people were still checking on a constant basis. Even a few new countries have stopped in to see what this is about, so hello to Malaysia, Trinidad & Tobago and New Zealand. Thank you for caring
Someone commented on my last posting asking if I was ok with everything I said. Truth is, I have to be. I have to be prepared for that phone call to actually come and tell me there is nothing they can do for me. Thats all I have been told from the start so why would it change now? I have to be ok with the fact that more often than not, pathetic rapist pieces of shit just get away with it because our screwed up system lets them. Im sure I wont feel this way long, I seem to go back and forth with emotion a lot lately. Ive gained like 8 pounds since this happened....talk about eating your feelings, lol. Not to mention my face has broken out hardcore. I try to tell all the people that know about this here that I am not stressed and that whatever happens, happens...but apparently its written all over my face that im stressed.... Im not all that great with makeup so you should see this disaster right now.
The one thing I am not ok with is this happening to another woman by this same man. Which if I do not get a trial or do not get a name, I am 100% sure it will, it may even have already happened. That is why I would be just happy enough to get a name and get it out there that he is a rapist. I dont care if he tries to sue me, it would be on him to prove he wasnt a rapist....not to mention good luck getting money that I cant even afford to pay my credit card lenders. I am really starting to think that the only way I will get any answers is to release the last names of his friends that I do know.....and release where they work. Hopefully someone they know would be willing to tell me who this pathetic excuse for a man is. Im leaning towards doing this ....if I had to give it a number right now, i'd say its 90-10 in favor of me giving out the rest of the information I have.
In thinking about all of this, I guess Im not ok with any of what I said in my last post, but I may be forced to be. There is only so much you can do when anyone you speak with refuses to help you. Im not ok with being this exhausted all of the time. Im not ok with hiding in my office with the door shut avoiding people that have for some reason begun to annoy the shit out of me. Im not ok with letting one asshole do this to my life.
Im hoping once I get a little bit of consistency in my sleep I wont be this way any more. And Jess, I have every intention of responding to you, I am just so exhausted and so annoyed with everything around me I'm just finding it hard to concentrate and do what you told me.
I do have to say that I am absolutely amazed at the amount of awareness/attention this blog has been receiving. Even in the week where I didnt post people were still checking on a constant basis. Even a few new countries have stopped in to see what this is about, so hello to Malaysia, Trinidad & Tobago and New Zealand. Thank you for caring
Monday, November 1, 2010
Yup
11/1/10-
Dont really care for anything much anymore. Just doing what I need to to get through the day and then get to bed as quick as possible. I havent called the NOPD or the DA in weeks. I just really dont give a S--- anymore.
I used to love my job but even now , I could care less for it.....Here's a phenomenal idea, lets tell you that you are so good at your job, that we are going to give you more work to do.....and not pay you more.
So let me get this right, I get more work added to my already slammed day, because Im so good at what I do, yet you dont see fit to compensate me? I have a feeling my production at work is going to hit a serious wall, Im not in the mood to beg/argue for a raise. If people that suck at there job are getting paid as much as I am for doing less....screw it. Ive got too much going on to give a damn. I may just decide to sit here and do as little as possible.....no one around here seems to get fired anyway. Not in the mood for the BS and politicking.
My friends are annoying the crap out of me, with the exception of one that just seems to make me not hate the world as much. No, I dont feel like going out, no i dont want to sit around all weekend and drink, no I do not want to hold a conversation where you sit there and bitch about how terrible your life is. Just shut up and think about what you can do to make that change..how about doing something about it. (Ironic how I am sitting here right now bitching about things) Its not that my life is terrible, Im actually grateful for everything I have and love my life.....but there are times when you just want to slap everyone you know in the face and tell them to give you a moment of silence and quit bitching, do something about your shitty life and let me get back to being selfish and enjoying mine. Shit happens, you find a way to work with it (not literally, please dont start playing with your actual shit ) and you make what you can from it. Someone always has it worse than you do, remember that.
I stopped carrying my phone everywhere I go. Most of the time if its on , its on silent. More often than not its actually just off, sitting in a different room than I am. I am sick of waiting for the police to call. My heart doesnt jump anymore every time the phone rings hoping its someone with any sort of answer. I feel like im over it. Do you actually get over something like this? I have no feeling one way or the other about my rape or how I was treated any more. I just dont care. No anger, no passion to fight, just feel like ok, this happened now its time to move on. All of the small details I was able to remember before are gone. I remember practically nothing now. I havent been trying to remember, but nothing surfaces in my head anymore. I just dont care anymore.
And when I do finally get that call that my rape kit is back, all I expect to hear is that there wasnt enough evidence and we cant do anything. Even if there was enough. I have no expectations of getting my rapist charged with any crime anymore. He got away with it....at least next time maybe he will at least think twice before doing so. I feel sorry for the next woman he doesnt this to. There is not a single doubt in my mind he has done this before, and no doubt in my mind he will do it again. The thought of that used to make me sick to my stomach, now I just roll my eyes and dismiss the thought.
I still have my sense of humor, I can still laugh and find stupidity in things, its just not as often as before. I really could care less about anything. Maybe its better that way. Maybe if I started caring again I would just get let down later anyway when I have to deal with a trial if it ever got there. Maybe its just better to cut my losses.
Dont really care for anything much anymore. Just doing what I need to to get through the day and then get to bed as quick as possible. I havent called the NOPD or the DA in weeks. I just really dont give a S--- anymore.
I used to love my job but even now , I could care less for it.....Here's a phenomenal idea, lets tell you that you are so good at your job, that we are going to give you more work to do.....and not pay you more.
So let me get this right, I get more work added to my already slammed day, because Im so good at what I do, yet you dont see fit to compensate me? I have a feeling my production at work is going to hit a serious wall, Im not in the mood to beg/argue for a raise. If people that suck at there job are getting paid as much as I am for doing less....screw it. Ive got too much going on to give a damn. I may just decide to sit here and do as little as possible.....no one around here seems to get fired anyway. Not in the mood for the BS and politicking.
My friends are annoying the crap out of me, with the exception of one that just seems to make me not hate the world as much. No, I dont feel like going out, no i dont want to sit around all weekend and drink, no I do not want to hold a conversation where you sit there and bitch about how terrible your life is. Just shut up and think about what you can do to make that change..how about doing something about it. (Ironic how I am sitting here right now bitching about things) Its not that my life is terrible, Im actually grateful for everything I have and love my life.....but there are times when you just want to slap everyone you know in the face and tell them to give you a moment of silence and quit bitching, do something about your shitty life and let me get back to being selfish and enjoying mine. Shit happens, you find a way to work with it (not literally, please dont start playing with your actual shit ) and you make what you can from it. Someone always has it worse than you do, remember that.
I stopped carrying my phone everywhere I go. Most of the time if its on , its on silent. More often than not its actually just off, sitting in a different room than I am. I am sick of waiting for the police to call. My heart doesnt jump anymore every time the phone rings hoping its someone with any sort of answer. I feel like im over it. Do you actually get over something like this? I have no feeling one way or the other about my rape or how I was treated any more. I just dont care. No anger, no passion to fight, just feel like ok, this happened now its time to move on. All of the small details I was able to remember before are gone. I remember practically nothing now. I havent been trying to remember, but nothing surfaces in my head anymore. I just dont care anymore.
And when I do finally get that call that my rape kit is back, all I expect to hear is that there wasnt enough evidence and we cant do anything. Even if there was enough. I have no expectations of getting my rapist charged with any crime anymore. He got away with it....at least next time maybe he will at least think twice before doing so. I feel sorry for the next woman he doesnt this to. There is not a single doubt in my mind he has done this before, and no doubt in my mind he will do it again. The thought of that used to make me sick to my stomach, now I just roll my eyes and dismiss the thought.
I still have my sense of humor, I can still laugh and find stupidity in things, its just not as often as before. I really could care less about anything. Maybe its better that way. Maybe if I started caring again I would just get let down later anyway when I have to deal with a trial if it ever got there. Maybe its just better to cut my losses.
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