Thursday 12/30/10 12:45 PM
I didnt write at all yesterday.....I dont think anyway. I really dont have much to say. I have been doing incredibly well. I absolutely still have moments that my mind wanders back to my rape, but I am easily able to push them aside and concentrate on other things lately. No panic attacks, no nausea, no chest pains.....
In thinking back about these past three months, I do have some advice for victims of rape, or friends of victims. Give yourself something to look forward to and be excited about ( or friends of victims give them something to look forward to.) Keep looking ahead instead of behind.....you cannot do anything to control what happened to you or your friend. When you are in the lowest place you can possibly be, find something to plan ahead to and look forward to. Plan it, even though you cant possibly imagine yourself enjoying anything. Making plans keeps you looking forward, gives you a reason to not end your life.
Sure you have family and friends in your life that you dont want to disappoint, but sometimes your emotions will take you to a place where you will most likely think and/or attempt to end your life, despite hurting others.
I planned 2 trips to New Orleans, granted I tried to kill myself on one of them, but hey not everything is 100% fool proof. I had to go back, I had to put pressure on. I dont feel the need to go back anymore, but I will because I love going on vacation there.
Now that I have been feeling so well for a while, I wanted to make sure I'd stay this way, so i went ahead and booked my trip to Hawaii.......With a trip to Hawaii on the books.....I can guarantee you even if I hit my lowest of low moments, I will not be attempting to end my life.
As dumb as it may sound, just plan something ahead. Keep your focus on something. Hell, E-mail me if you are in a bad spot...I guarantee I can find something completely ridiculous to say that will make you laugh.
Hell, plan a trip to Hawaii and meet me out there, its very relaxing. Everything out there is so relaxed its almost impossible to be on vacation and get stressed out. I will be there The last week of January.....and yes, I got tickets to the ProBowl even though I am still holding on to the Saints making it back to the Superbowl.
Back to work, my plans for New Years? Sitting at home, drinking wine and watching Badass movies :)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Leaving work early
12/28/10 Tuesday 6:41 PM
Im actually feeling great enough that I am going to head out of work at 7 and meet my friend at a bar for drinks and wings.....this I can get used to :)
Have a good night everyone
Im actually feeling great enough that I am going to head out of work at 7 and meet my friend at a bar for drinks and wings.....this I can get used to :)
Have a good night everyone
HA
12/28/10 Tuesday 4:48 PM
So, I guess the ADA wasnt on vacation after all. She was just pouting. I can relate, I pout when I dont get my way....she pouts when she gets blogged about.
I sent an email earlier to her asking if she indented on pressing charges against Kevin. I got an overwhelming response that made me practically fall out of my chair in laughter. If I ever open an email from this woman again....im going to have to have a helmet on to protect my head from hitting the floor. "NO" lol. That was her response. No hello, no how are you doing, no im sorry but we will not be filing, no i've actually looked into filing charges against this person and its just not possible. Just a sharp, pissed off no. I would actually like an explanation, but as I have unfortunately had to learn the hard way in trying to deal with my rape, I never get one.
"......and for that, we thank you" LOL. I wasnt expecting her to do any work on this charge what-so-ever, and her overwhelmingly informative e-mail proved me right.
Dont worry, Im not stopping at her. The ADA is not the end all be all. I intend to pursue this just as I pursue everything else. I have a valid legal argument that she refuses to hear or properly explain why she considers in invalid. Go ahead and pout....everyone has their moments.
Anyway. I think I am on the so called "road to recovery" Ive been feeling good for a few days now. Im finding ways to make fun of just about everything again. I am back in vacation planning mode again. Im in heaven today after seeing an add for "pajama jeans".....where have these been all my life! LOL, they claim no one will know you are actually wearing pajamas they are so realistic...... Work is under control. Things are good.....I really dont expect them to get worse, but if they do im sure I will be fine....Im still here.....3 months later.... Im waiting on some sort of law suit to be brought against myself. I wouldnt be surprised if there is one....I just say bring it......ive been to the lowest point in my life ....lawsuits dont scare me. And with the experience I have had with certain lawyers.....they wont put much effort into it anyway.....
Very excited for Vegas, another one of my favorite cities and I get to go with my best friend so what more could I want. After Vegas its back to New Orleans for Jazz Fest. I cant decide if I want to make the trip to the pro bowl this year. I hate that the 2 teams in the superbowl dont get to play....and im still banking on the saints taking it again this year, so none of them will be in the game.
If you ever get a chance to go to the Pro-Bowl in Hawaii do it....its a complete blast and theres plenty of room to sit.....no one really goes, you have your pick of where you want to sit.
Enough posting about randomness...back to work :)
So, I guess the ADA wasnt on vacation after all. She was just pouting. I can relate, I pout when I dont get my way....she pouts when she gets blogged about.
I sent an email earlier to her asking if she indented on pressing charges against Kevin. I got an overwhelming response that made me practically fall out of my chair in laughter. If I ever open an email from this woman again....im going to have to have a helmet on to protect my head from hitting the floor. "NO" lol. That was her response. No hello, no how are you doing, no im sorry but we will not be filing, no i've actually looked into filing charges against this person and its just not possible. Just a sharp, pissed off no. I would actually like an explanation, but as I have unfortunately had to learn the hard way in trying to deal with my rape, I never get one.
"......and for that, we thank you" LOL. I wasnt expecting her to do any work on this charge what-so-ever, and her overwhelmingly informative e-mail proved me right.
Dont worry, Im not stopping at her. The ADA is not the end all be all. I intend to pursue this just as I pursue everything else. I have a valid legal argument that she refuses to hear or properly explain why she considers in invalid. Go ahead and pout....everyone has their moments.
Anyway. I think I am on the so called "road to recovery" Ive been feeling good for a few days now. Im finding ways to make fun of just about everything again. I am back in vacation planning mode again. Im in heaven today after seeing an add for "pajama jeans".....where have these been all my life! LOL, they claim no one will know you are actually wearing pajamas they are so realistic...... Work is under control. Things are good.....I really dont expect them to get worse, but if they do im sure I will be fine....Im still here.....3 months later.... Im waiting on some sort of law suit to be brought against myself. I wouldnt be surprised if there is one....I just say bring it......ive been to the lowest point in my life ....lawsuits dont scare me. And with the experience I have had with certain lawyers.....they wont put much effort into it anyway.....
Very excited for Vegas, another one of my favorite cities and I get to go with my best friend so what more could I want. After Vegas its back to New Orleans for Jazz Fest. I cant decide if I want to make the trip to the pro bowl this year. I hate that the 2 teams in the superbowl dont get to play....and im still banking on the saints taking it again this year, so none of them will be in the game.
If you ever get a chance to go to the Pro-Bowl in Hawaii do it....its a complete blast and theres plenty of room to sit.....no one really goes, you have your pick of where you want to sit.
Enough posting about randomness...back to work :)
Just another Day
12/28/10- Tuesday 12:43 PM
I feel 100% normal. ....well maybe not normal, but definitely good.
Thoughts of my rape still creep up in my mind, but I am easily able to push them right out of my head.
I still havent heard back from the ADA about the new charges I wish to file. Benefit of the doubt time, I will say she is on vacation. Im not panicking as to when or if she contacts me......the feeling has just become the norm for me.
I havent had a panic attack in I dont know how long. I did have those few childish fits I through, but i was able to bring myself under control without having to take medication to calm me down.
I found a routine of sorts that seems to keep me more in balance. I work at least one day a weekend, I dont come into work during the week until after 10 AM, I work until 7 or 8 then go home and take an ativan and ambien. I am a long more calm and less irritable by doing things this way. By working on the weekend, I minimize the stress others put on me because they arent around to get on my nerves. By coming in after 10, I feel rested and ready for the day after sleeping. By not going home until 7 or 8 my day is full and I can just go to bed. Its a routine that works for me.
And when I said I felt normal I guess that wasnt the right term. Today, I just plain feel stronger, more in control, more ready to take charge of things.
I have become a much stronger person in the way I handle things. I used to ask to have things done nicely, which lead to having to ask multiple times. I used to deal with people not stepping up and taking accountability for not getting things done. Not anymore.
Its actually a great feeling. I just cornered a doctor and got him to do what he's been putting off for months now. Any excuse he came up with I shot down and told him to do as he was told or he wasnt going to like my new policy I have created that will now be enforced to full effect. Me and him (and my best friend in the office hearing the whole thing, LOL) face to face. Me telling him how it is going to be done, him trying to find ways to get out of it, me telling him how it was going to be whether he liked it or not. I dont know how my best friend didnt bust out laughing because I never treat people that way.
But I guess in having to deal with the NOPD and ADA and be very forceful to get even the most minimal information, I decided not backing down, and telling people how its going to be rather than asking, gets you a lot further.
Dear Rapist, you have managed to bring a strength and totally bitch persona out that i never knew I had in me.....and as Daniel Tosh would say "....and for that we thank you" -
But you are still a creep with f*d up hair.....and for that, I also thank you because I am not sure I would have had any other memory of you to make fun of you for :)
Saints won = playoffs = me making sure I am at another game.
Oh, And I have pushed Phoenix back to April- A few friends and I are going to Vegas for my best friends 30th birthday.....so I will just take a few extra days and make my way to Phoenix - Hey rapist, you could make my life a lot easier and show your face in Vegas and try to rape me again., whether you're in Phoenix or LA its a short drive........ clearly you cant get sex where you live seeing how you raped me in New Orleans, and clearly you need to wait for a woman to be asleep/passed out drunk to even try to have sex....just to let you know, I will be drinking in Vegas.....does that excite you?
Freak. I dare you to show up.... hell I dare you to show up in NY
Hope everyone's week is going well -
I feel 100% normal. ....well maybe not normal, but definitely good.
Thoughts of my rape still creep up in my mind, but I am easily able to push them right out of my head.
I still havent heard back from the ADA about the new charges I wish to file. Benefit of the doubt time, I will say she is on vacation. Im not panicking as to when or if she contacts me......the feeling has just become the norm for me.
I havent had a panic attack in I dont know how long. I did have those few childish fits I through, but i was able to bring myself under control without having to take medication to calm me down.
I found a routine of sorts that seems to keep me more in balance. I work at least one day a weekend, I dont come into work during the week until after 10 AM, I work until 7 or 8 then go home and take an ativan and ambien. I am a long more calm and less irritable by doing things this way. By working on the weekend, I minimize the stress others put on me because they arent around to get on my nerves. By coming in after 10, I feel rested and ready for the day after sleeping. By not going home until 7 or 8 my day is full and I can just go to bed. Its a routine that works for me.
And when I said I felt normal I guess that wasnt the right term. Today, I just plain feel stronger, more in control, more ready to take charge of things.
I have become a much stronger person in the way I handle things. I used to ask to have things done nicely, which lead to having to ask multiple times. I used to deal with people not stepping up and taking accountability for not getting things done. Not anymore.
Its actually a great feeling. I just cornered a doctor and got him to do what he's been putting off for months now. Any excuse he came up with I shot down and told him to do as he was told or he wasnt going to like my new policy I have created that will now be enforced to full effect. Me and him (and my best friend in the office hearing the whole thing, LOL) face to face. Me telling him how it is going to be done, him trying to find ways to get out of it, me telling him how it was going to be whether he liked it or not. I dont know how my best friend didnt bust out laughing because I never treat people that way.
But I guess in having to deal with the NOPD and ADA and be very forceful to get even the most minimal information, I decided not backing down, and telling people how its going to be rather than asking, gets you a lot further.
Dear Rapist, you have managed to bring a strength and totally bitch persona out that i never knew I had in me.....and as Daniel Tosh would say "....and for that we thank you" -
But you are still a creep with f*d up hair.....and for that, I also thank you because I am not sure I would have had any other memory of you to make fun of you for :)
Saints won = playoffs = me making sure I am at another game.
Oh, And I have pushed Phoenix back to April- A few friends and I are going to Vegas for my best friends 30th birthday.....so I will just take a few extra days and make my way to Phoenix - Hey rapist, you could make my life a lot easier and show your face in Vegas and try to rape me again., whether you're in Phoenix or LA its a short drive........ clearly you cant get sex where you live seeing how you raped me in New Orleans, and clearly you need to wait for a woman to be asleep/passed out drunk to even try to have sex....just to let you know, I will be drinking in Vegas.....does that excite you?
Freak. I dare you to show up.... hell I dare you to show up in NY
Hope everyone's week is going well -
Monday, December 27, 2010
Relaxed
12/27/10 Monday 4:35 PM
There are few things more relaxing than laying in a nice, warm tanning bed for 20 minutes in the middle of your work day when its like 0 degrees out and snowing inch upon inch. Nothing but laying there, listening to music...no interruptions, nothing to make you mad.
The only downfall to this is that when you have one thing that is constantly on your mind no matter how many times you try to force yourself to think of something else, you cant help it.
For some strange reason, "Left Blow" ya....still laugh at that, anyway, his name came to me when I was laying there....I am probably 99.2367% sure his actual name is Don.
I was laying in the tanning bed just listening to the music....actually not thinking about my rape at all....i was thinking how great it felt to be in warmth and out of snow.....and out of no where his name pops into my head. I am almost positive I saw the name Don on his license when he showed me that first night. Hes the one that bought the marijuana on bourbon st that I refused to smoke that first night. They all seemed shocked that someone wouldnt want to smoke pot....sorry "friends" not everyone is stuck in their high-school (ehem...Brophy College Prep) or College for that matter (university of Arizona). Now I am not saying that by anymeans these schools are full of potheads.....I am just referring to the fact that some of these boys went to these schools......
In thinking about it....I so could have had the police search the house for pot ....I saw it that first night.....too bad being raped consumed my mind when the police were there doing their so called "investigation", at least I could have gotten my rapist on possession charges if they had found it in that house.
Now come on, not everyone that knows this group of boys had to have liked them...I, myself was creeped out by a few of them (and rightfully so I might add) Im not too proud to beg. I am begging anyone that knows this group of people to just give me my rapists name so I can move on with my life and let them move on with theirs without me researching everything their is to know about them.
Anyway- I went to my doctor today. She is okaying my nightly regimen of 1 ativan and 1 ambien for another few months so I can sleep. She warns that both are addicting and it wont be long term, but she's agreeing to let me get through a few more months, just until my rape is a little more distant in the time line.
Of course she suggests counseling and I am still adamant that I wont go.....I told her if in the next few months I am still having the trouble sleeping, I will agree to at least go talk to a professional and then decide whether I want to continue or not. I think its a fair compromise, I dont want to have to be dependent on medications, but I think my rape is too current in my head to go off of them yet.
Big Saints game tonight- Love Monday night football.....means I get to see my team from my own house instead of going to the bar. Definitely thinking they are going to beat the Falcons this time. I actually have a reason to not work past 8 PM tonight.....how exciting is my life :)
There are few things more relaxing than laying in a nice, warm tanning bed for 20 minutes in the middle of your work day when its like 0 degrees out and snowing inch upon inch. Nothing but laying there, listening to music...no interruptions, nothing to make you mad.
The only downfall to this is that when you have one thing that is constantly on your mind no matter how many times you try to force yourself to think of something else, you cant help it.
For some strange reason, "Left Blow" ya....still laugh at that, anyway, his name came to me when I was laying there....I am probably 99.2367% sure his actual name is Don.
I was laying in the tanning bed just listening to the music....actually not thinking about my rape at all....i was thinking how great it felt to be in warmth and out of snow.....and out of no where his name pops into my head. I am almost positive I saw the name Don on his license when he showed me that first night. Hes the one that bought the marijuana on bourbon st that I refused to smoke that first night. They all seemed shocked that someone wouldnt want to smoke pot....sorry "friends" not everyone is stuck in their high-school (ehem...Brophy College Prep) or College for that matter (university of Arizona). Now I am not saying that by anymeans these schools are full of potheads.....I am just referring to the fact that some of these boys went to these schools......
In thinking about it....I so could have had the police search the house for pot ....I saw it that first night.....too bad being raped consumed my mind when the police were there doing their so called "investigation", at least I could have gotten my rapist on possession charges if they had found it in that house.
Now come on, not everyone that knows this group of boys had to have liked them...I, myself was creeped out by a few of them (and rightfully so I might add) Im not too proud to beg. I am begging anyone that knows this group of people to just give me my rapists name so I can move on with my life and let them move on with theirs without me researching everything their is to know about them.
Anyway- I went to my doctor today. She is okaying my nightly regimen of 1 ativan and 1 ambien for another few months so I can sleep. She warns that both are addicting and it wont be long term, but she's agreeing to let me get through a few more months, just until my rape is a little more distant in the time line.
Of course she suggests counseling and I am still adamant that I wont go.....I told her if in the next few months I am still having the trouble sleeping, I will agree to at least go talk to a professional and then decide whether I want to continue or not. I think its a fair compromise, I dont want to have to be dependent on medications, but I think my rape is too current in my head to go off of them yet.
Big Saints game tonight- Love Monday night football.....means I get to see my team from my own house instead of going to the bar. Definitely thinking they are going to beat the Falcons this time. I actually have a reason to not work past 8 PM tonight.....how exciting is my life :)
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Rest easy Phoenix....for at least 7 months anyway
12/26/10 Sunday 5:13 PM
Still working. Have had some quiet time to think. I mean really think.....compose a thought, and rationally go over it from all angles.
Now dont get all excited, I am still filing my cases.
But, with my sister pregnant with her first baby, I dont want to move across the country and not be within driving distance should something go wrong.
Time to stop being so selfish. I am going to take my current boss's offer and stay in town, at least until the baby comes....then im out....im not great with kids anyway, but I need to be there for my sister if something goes wrong with this pregnancy.
With that said.....I will be visiting Phoenix for a vacation of sorts shortly.... figure out where I can work...where I would want to live.... Its always good to plan ahead. Im thinking maybe February...then meeting up with a close friend for a little Vegas excursion,
Hope everyone's Christmas was well. Dont forget to watch the Saints game tomorrow night...big game!
Still working. Have had some quiet time to think. I mean really think.....compose a thought, and rationally go over it from all angles.
Now dont get all excited, I am still filing my cases.
But, with my sister pregnant with her first baby, I dont want to move across the country and not be within driving distance should something go wrong.
Time to stop being so selfish. I am going to take my current boss's offer and stay in town, at least until the baby comes....then im out....im not great with kids anyway, but I need to be there for my sister if something goes wrong with this pregnancy.
With that said.....I will be visiting Phoenix for a vacation of sorts shortly.... figure out where I can work...where I would want to live.... Its always good to plan ahead. Im thinking maybe February...then meeting up with a close friend for a little Vegas excursion,
Hope everyone's Christmas was well. Dont forget to watch the Saints game tomorrow night...big game!
Sunday 12/26/10 11:56 AM
Back at work. Just getting things done.
I dont know why it took me so long to find Matt Fitz-Gerald.....it was definitely right in front of my face this whole time seeing how he works with Kevin.
I am no longer worried whether or not I am going to find the information I need....I have no doubt I will . Pretty comforting. Havent heard back from the ADA yet regarding the charges against Kevin. Shes probably just taking time off for Christmas...lol. Ill give her the benefit of the doubt this time.
Anyway, tons of work to do, ive redecorated the office, feeling pretty good about the year to come.
I almost died in august, I was raped in September and in December I found out just how lazy the Orleans Parish ADA was ......Im pretty much ready to leave 2010 back in the past. It wasnt the finest of all years for me.
My lawyer has agreed to force a civil case.....so now I have to really decide if I want to waste my time on this or just find another way to mentally get over my rape. Right now, Im about 97% sure I will go through with both the civil case against my rapist, and the criminal case against Kevin.
I am 100% sure I will be filing against the Sex Crimes Detective Caloun or however you spell it.
Anyway, I am going to to my best this coming year to put my focus elsewhere....I have to in order to get my life back. But that doesnt mean I wont follow through with my cases, I just wont be doing all the research for the ADA in my case this time.
Back to work, things to do....Happy Almost 2011
I dont know why it took me so long to find Matt Fitz-Gerald.....it was definitely right in front of my face this whole time seeing how he works with Kevin.
I am no longer worried whether or not I am going to find the information I need....I have no doubt I will . Pretty comforting. Havent heard back from the ADA yet regarding the charges against Kevin. Shes probably just taking time off for Christmas...lol. Ill give her the benefit of the doubt this time.
Anyway, tons of work to do, ive redecorated the office, feeling pretty good about the year to come.
I almost died in august, I was raped in September and in December I found out just how lazy the Orleans Parish ADA was ......Im pretty much ready to leave 2010 back in the past. It wasnt the finest of all years for me.
My lawyer has agreed to force a civil case.....so now I have to really decide if I want to waste my time on this or just find another way to mentally get over my rape. Right now, Im about 97% sure I will go through with both the civil case against my rapist, and the criminal case against Kevin.
I am 100% sure I will be filing against the Sex Crimes Detective Caloun or however you spell it.
Anyway, I am going to to my best this coming year to put my focus elsewhere....I have to in order to get my life back. But that doesnt mean I wont follow through with my cases, I just wont be doing all the research for the ADA in my case this time.
Back to work, things to do....Happy Almost 2011
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Oh....to mess with a smart woman......
12/25/10 Saturday 11:12pm
Hahahahahahhahahaha. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MYSELF! Just when I decided to let my obsession go.....a little nugget of gold just dropped into my lap.
Hey Creepy Bachelor boy.....I found you too......Now Matt Fitzgerald, why wouldnt you have helped me???You were there, but you did nothing . Your "acquaintance " raped me and you heard my screams.....and you did nothing.
Well the world now knows you associate with a rapist? Did you tell your New Bride about what went down in New Orleans during your bachelor party???? Im betting you didnt.
Well, one down......its only time before I find another.
BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT A GIRL COULD ASK FOR!
sweet dreams Kevin, Mac, Paul , Mike and Matt........im thinking mine might be a little sweeter tonight :)
You sure you just dont want to tell me his name and spare yourself the emotional rollercoaster of what I am going to find out next ?????????????
Good Night All......I send you all the love in the world!
Hahahahahahhahahaha. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MYSELF! Just when I decided to let my obsession go.....a little nugget of gold just dropped into my lap.
Hey Creepy Bachelor boy.....I found you too......Now Matt Fitzgerald, why wouldnt you have helped me???You were there, but you did nothing . Your "acquaintance " raped me and you heard my screams.....and you did nothing.
Well the world now knows you associate with a rapist? Did you tell your New Bride about what went down in New Orleans during your bachelor party???? Im betting you didnt.
Well, one down......its only time before I find another.
BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT A GIRL COULD ASK FOR!
sweet dreams Kevin, Mac, Paul , Mike and Matt........im thinking mine might be a little sweeter tonight :)
You sure you just dont want to tell me his name and spare yourself the emotional rollercoaster of what I am going to find out next ?????????????
Good Night All......I send you all the love in the world!
Its nightfall and its Christmas
12/25/10 Sat. 9:01 PM
Wasnt going to write today. Nothing of note has really happened since my fabulous childish tantrums I threw. No more slamming doors, no more breaking glass. Ive mostly just layed in bed watching movies.
Im a little surprised at how last night went. It was exactly like every New Years eve I've had since I was a child. All of the family came over, I gave the most ridiculous gifts I could find to make everyone laugh. The traditional Jello Shots were passed around.....Absolutely nothing was different. I had fun. I laughed. I made fun of grandma....because thats what we do :) I didnt panic once, I didnt get annoyed once, I didnt break things......Christmas eve was just like every other Christmas eve before I was raped. I actually never thought about my rape once that nice.....not once. I was surrounded by family. A family that loves me and finds my outlandish sense of humor hilarious....and when you put myself and my cousin who is 2 years younger in a room together.....you are guaranteed non-stop laughter.
I thought my life and everything in it had changed forever. Last night proved to me that doesnt have to be true.
Anyway, the real reason I decided to take this time to write was to point out that night is falling, and it is a holiday......I am pretty much betting my rapist is in Arizona right now......lets hope the Phoenix, Scottsdale, Glendale, Mesa or Tucson police departments are a little more on their game than the NOPD. Lets hope my rapist doesnt try this again this weekend thinking he will once again get away with rape.
My Christmas wish.....he tries it again, but this time the Arizona PD is involved and they actually investigate correctly. My wish is no harm on the unfortunate woman....My wish is that he attempts to rape her, and she gets away, and reports it. My wish is that he gets caught.
My other Christmas wish is that this freak finally cut his hair......that still makes me laugh. One can only hope.
Happy Holidays to those that are reading this. Enjoy your time with your family, and if you cant be with your family at least give them a call so they know you are well.
Remember, rape doesnt have to mean the end of your world. Some things in your world definitely change, but somethings remain and you need to hold those close. Dont let them slip away
Wasnt going to write today. Nothing of note has really happened since my fabulous childish tantrums I threw. No more slamming doors, no more breaking glass. Ive mostly just layed in bed watching movies.
Im a little surprised at how last night went. It was exactly like every New Years eve I've had since I was a child. All of the family came over, I gave the most ridiculous gifts I could find to make everyone laugh. The traditional Jello Shots were passed around.....Absolutely nothing was different. I had fun. I laughed. I made fun of grandma....because thats what we do :) I didnt panic once, I didnt get annoyed once, I didnt break things......Christmas eve was just like every other Christmas eve before I was raped. I actually never thought about my rape once that nice.....not once. I was surrounded by family. A family that loves me and finds my outlandish sense of humor hilarious....and when you put myself and my cousin who is 2 years younger in a room together.....you are guaranteed non-stop laughter.
I thought my life and everything in it had changed forever. Last night proved to me that doesnt have to be true.
Anyway, the real reason I decided to take this time to write was to point out that night is falling, and it is a holiday......I am pretty much betting my rapist is in Arizona right now......lets hope the Phoenix, Scottsdale, Glendale, Mesa or Tucson police departments are a little more on their game than the NOPD. Lets hope my rapist doesnt try this again this weekend thinking he will once again get away with rape.
My Christmas wish.....he tries it again, but this time the Arizona PD is involved and they actually investigate correctly. My wish is no harm on the unfortunate woman....My wish is that he attempts to rape her, and she gets away, and reports it. My wish is that he gets caught.
My other Christmas wish is that this freak finally cut his hair......that still makes me laugh. One can only hope.
Happy Holidays to those that are reading this. Enjoy your time with your family, and if you cant be with your family at least give them a call so they know you are well.
Remember, rape doesnt have to mean the end of your world. Some things in your world definitely change, but somethings remain and you need to hold those close. Dont let them slip away
Friday, December 24, 2010
Exile
12/24/10 Friday 2:00 PM
I have been awake for a solid 2 hours today, and I already find myself with shaking hands, hiding in my bed room. Half of the family is already here. I have managed to throw another tantrum like a 4 year old child slamming doors, throwing things everywhere and then violently tossing myself down on my bed doing my best not to let an all out scream of rage go. I have cursed my mother out, took a shot at my sister.....and this is all in 2 hours.
I have managed to calm my self an take some giganticly huge breathes to slow the rush of blood through my body. The hand shaking wont seem to go away though. I feel completely ridiculous. And to make things worse, I know that eventually I am going to have to go back out there and face everyone. Merry Christmas
I have been awake for a solid 2 hours today, and I already find myself with shaking hands, hiding in my bed room. Half of the family is already here. I have managed to throw another tantrum like a 4 year old child slamming doors, throwing things everywhere and then violently tossing myself down on my bed doing my best not to let an all out scream of rage go. I have cursed my mother out, took a shot at my sister.....and this is all in 2 hours.
I have managed to calm my self an take some giganticly huge breathes to slow the rush of blood through my body. The hand shaking wont seem to go away though. I feel completely ridiculous. And to make things worse, I know that eventually I am going to have to go back out there and face everyone. Merry Christmas
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Friends in unexpected Places
12/23/10 Thurs. 10:23 PM
Amazing. I had a complete panic attack earlier....for no acceptable reason at all. Big deal, people were in my house. It definitely should not have bothered me in the least bit....but it did. And I did the only thing I could think to do, went outside and sat in my car . Freakish huh? I sat in my car, in front of my house, because anxiety kicked in so bad that I couldnt stay in my own house with my family and a few very close friends.
Unreal. The smallest, most insignificant occurrence set me off in a rage. I hate that. I couldnt control my reaction even though I knew how completely dramatic and unnecessary it was.
I find my life to be quite amazing lately. I have met so many individuals lately, with many differing opinions, yet they all seem to keep me grounded. This afternoon, I panicked, and the strange thing is, A woman I met from a NOLA website brought me back down to reality by just asking me a simple question and giving me the slightest amount of advice. This woman, whom has a completely different view on my situation as I do, has managed to help me keep my sanity. Some of my points she agrees on, others she doesnt, and she isnt afraid to let me know when she thinks I may be wrong. This woman, who I hadnt known before all of this has kept me alive. She may not think of herself in this way, but her input and her honesty has kept me fighting. Had she not come into my life, I may have just hid in a corner....but she somehow finds a way into my mind and finds a way to make me respond whether its in anger or complete agreement in what she has to say, she finds a way to keep me engaged in all of this.
I honestly cannot thank this woman for the things she has done for me. Especially because she wasnt afraid to tell me the points of my argument that she disagrees on ......and also the points that she thinks I actually have a leg to stand on.
I also found support in another woman I met through twitter. I have mentioned her before. She was the one that finally got through to me. The one that made me finally accept that my reaction, and me turning into a completely different woman ....was a completely natural reaction to being raped. I am not alone with my panick attacks and uncontrollable emotions......As she so wisely said, being raped changes who you are.
There is a man in France I have also met over twitter. He sends me messages of encouragement every few days. Im not sure if he knows that those messages he sends keeps me grounded. Hearing from him every few days helps keep me sane. I know he reads this, and I just want to make sure he knows just how much his kindness has done for me.
Its amazing the support from random strangers that gets me through. People that arent afraid to speak their mind whether they disagree with me or side with me. Just the feedback is enough to make me feel like I am at least accomplishing something meaningful out of this entire ordeal.
And I cannot stress enough how proud I am of myself. (yes, I am aware how pompous this makes me sound) I am by no means trying to make myself out to be this great person. But when I see a google search that leads someone to my website that reflects that someone out there has a question about rape, I feel great. I feel that finally, there is something out on the internet to help victims of rape that isnt tainted in anyway, whatsoever.
What I have posted has been 100% real. And in seeing the google searches that direct people to my page, I feel like what I have done so far has been worth it. As I have said numerous times, I couldnt find anything on the internet regarding what rape victims go through......this blog now confirms I wasnt the only one looking for information. And I hope to all there is that I am helping women and men that may find themselves in my same position....looking for answers.....I hope I am giving them some answers and some comfort in knowing that their reaction, no matter what it is, is completely normal and that someone is willing to listen to them and do their absolute best to help.
Goodnight to all, best wishes throughout your holidays.....I am sure with all of my family coming to my home the next few days I will no doubt have some sort of panic attack, so I can assure you, the truth, the real feelings, etc will come out. Holidays tend to be the worst time for victims, so I do not intend to hide any of the feelings I go through over the next 2 weeks.
Amazing. I had a complete panic attack earlier....for no acceptable reason at all. Big deal, people were in my house. It definitely should not have bothered me in the least bit....but it did. And I did the only thing I could think to do, went outside and sat in my car . Freakish huh? I sat in my car, in front of my house, because anxiety kicked in so bad that I couldnt stay in my own house with my family and a few very close friends.
Unreal. The smallest, most insignificant occurrence set me off in a rage. I hate that. I couldnt control my reaction even though I knew how completely dramatic and unnecessary it was.
I find my life to be quite amazing lately. I have met so many individuals lately, with many differing opinions, yet they all seem to keep me grounded. This afternoon, I panicked, and the strange thing is, A woman I met from a NOLA website brought me back down to reality by just asking me a simple question and giving me the slightest amount of advice. This woman, whom has a completely different view on my situation as I do, has managed to help me keep my sanity. Some of my points she agrees on, others she doesnt, and she isnt afraid to let me know when she thinks I may be wrong. This woman, who I hadnt known before all of this has kept me alive. She may not think of herself in this way, but her input and her honesty has kept me fighting. Had she not come into my life, I may have just hid in a corner....but she somehow finds a way into my mind and finds a way to make me respond whether its in anger or complete agreement in what she has to say, she finds a way to keep me engaged in all of this.
I honestly cannot thank this woman for the things she has done for me. Especially because she wasnt afraid to tell me the points of my argument that she disagrees on ......and also the points that she thinks I actually have a leg to stand on.
I also found support in another woman I met through twitter. I have mentioned her before. She was the one that finally got through to me. The one that made me finally accept that my reaction, and me turning into a completely different woman ....was a completely natural reaction to being raped. I am not alone with my panick attacks and uncontrollable emotions......As she so wisely said, being raped changes who you are.
There is a man in France I have also met over twitter. He sends me messages of encouragement every few days. Im not sure if he knows that those messages he sends keeps me grounded. Hearing from him every few days helps keep me sane. I know he reads this, and I just want to make sure he knows just how much his kindness has done for me.
Its amazing the support from random strangers that gets me through. People that arent afraid to speak their mind whether they disagree with me or side with me. Just the feedback is enough to make me feel like I am at least accomplishing something meaningful out of this entire ordeal.
And I cannot stress enough how proud I am of myself. (yes, I am aware how pompous this makes me sound) I am by no means trying to make myself out to be this great person. But when I see a google search that leads someone to my website that reflects that someone out there has a question about rape, I feel great. I feel that finally, there is something out on the internet to help victims of rape that isnt tainted in anyway, whatsoever.
What I have posted has been 100% real. And in seeing the google searches that direct people to my page, I feel like what I have done so far has been worth it. As I have said numerous times, I couldnt find anything on the internet regarding what rape victims go through......this blog now confirms I wasnt the only one looking for information. And I hope to all there is that I am helping women and men that may find themselves in my same position....looking for answers.....I hope I am giving them some answers and some comfort in knowing that their reaction, no matter what it is, is completely normal and that someone is willing to listen to them and do their absolute best to help.
Goodnight to all, best wishes throughout your holidays.....I am sure with all of my family coming to my home the next few days I will no doubt have some sort of panic attack, so I can assure you, the truth, the real feelings, etc will come out. Holidays tend to be the worst time for victims, so I do not intend to hide any of the feelings I go through over the next 2 weeks.
Get out of my house!
12/23/10 Thurs 1:38 PM
My sister is in town,staying at my house, with her husband......so of course that means my other sister and mother feel the need to spend every waking minute here. Last night was ok, they didnt get to town until almost 8 and i was in bed by 930
Today i am freaking out right now, in my room crying and shaking, wanting to just go out there and scream at them.
I went to work for 2 frickin hours and I come home to not only my family, but friends they invited over too. Friends that also have little children running around everywhere making everything in my house sticky. And I know it isnt a big deal, but to come home to your own house and have your driveway full so you cant park at your own house just pisses me off. I came i the door , slammed it, broke some stupid glass all over the kitchen and ran into my room. Why is it ok for them to have all of these people in my house? Just get the fuck out already!
I dont need this bullshit of a full house for the next 5 days...that might be enough to frickin force me to kill myself./...Just get the fuck out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister is in town,staying at my house, with her husband......so of course that means my other sister and mother feel the need to spend every waking minute here. Last night was ok, they didnt get to town until almost 8 and i was in bed by 930
Today i am freaking out right now, in my room crying and shaking, wanting to just go out there and scream at them.
I went to work for 2 frickin hours and I come home to not only my family, but friends they invited over too. Friends that also have little children running around everywhere making everything in my house sticky. And I know it isnt a big deal, but to come home to your own house and have your driveway full so you cant park at your own house just pisses me off. I came i the door , slammed it, broke some stupid glass all over the kitchen and ran into my room. Why is it ok for them to have all of these people in my house? Just get the fuck out already!
I dont need this bullshit of a full house for the next 5 days...that might be enough to frickin force me to kill myself./...Just get the fuck out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Nothing?.....still??
12/22/10 Wed. 9:45 PM
I am still waiting for the massive wave of panick and nausea to set in.
Not really understanding why I feel so calm and relaxed, almost no cares in the world.
Still havent heard back from the ADA regarding filing the charges. I dont know if she just isnt putting any effort forward, or if she is panicking trying find a way to make me go away.
To me, by her taking the law,as is, word for word and not charging my rapist, she now has a catch 22 . Taking the law word for word means Kevin broke the law.
Im just saying. I will not give up, so if that is what is holding her back , she shouldnt think I am going away. When you are raped, you lose everything. You lose your sense of self, you lose your mind, you lose all control.....How you come to deal with that happening is completely personal and different for all victims.
Some dont say a word. I dont blame them- The fact that the initial "investigation" takes so long...and turns out to be more of an investigation to find a way to blame the victim than a way to prove the victim is right, is just wrong on so many levels...I could write a novel on that alone.
But then you have deal with a DA that you dont get to pick, who is probably miserable in their job and doesnt give a shit what happens to you (but can memorize and recite the "company" line that they are and have exhausted all resources in the "investigation"). Then, if your DA actually decides for a trial, you most likely wait years to get your day in court.....and by day in court....its literally a day in court. Rape victims do not get to sit in on their own trials. Rape victims are considered witnesses. Rape victims only get to testify. Rape victims are not allowed to take part in their own trial as it may "taint:" their testimony.
So not only are you allowed to view your own Police Report, regarding your own rape, but you dont get to listen to all the bullshit stories your rapist and his "acquaintances" we able to fabricate within the years it took to get to court. Sometimes, I think I wouldnt be going through the emotional mess I am going through if I had just not said anything. I wouldnt have the frustrations of dealing with an ADA that doesnt want to do any research into how to try a case. I wouldnt have the frustrations of a mostly incompetent police force....at least the Sex Crimes Detectives anyway. I wouldnt have to sit and research hours out of my day to give the ADA more ideas as to how my rapist can be charged.
Which leads into the next category of rape victims that actually do report their assault. They go through the agony of reporting, the rape kit, the months of waiting for results and answers.....and get so fed up and so exhausted that they just give up and drop any pursuit of their rapist. The time it takes to get anywhere in a rape case is appalling. While a woman or man that has been raped could be taking the time to heal and recover.....they have to wait and re-open all wounds and start from scratch again years later. Most of the time its just not worth giving up your mental health to punish some freak that cant keep it in his pants.
The thought to just stop and let myself heal has crossed my mind more than once. I just want to get on with my life. I want to be the woman I was before that didnt have to worry about panic attacks or randomly crying in public places because emotion decides to show up and overwhelm me. I want to be the woman I was before, that didnt have to write down everything I was feeling to make sure i didnt kill myself, to keep my sanity. If I just stop now , maybe I can start to get back to that woman.
I admire the women that stick through their cases to the end. One woman that has contacted me is finally getting her case to trial.....8 years after she was raped. 8 years! How is that acceptable in our society?!?!? I'd like to think I am a strong woman, but I was ready to kill myself after 2 months, I dont know how this woman made it eight years.
I am not saying I am giving up. The more this ADA pisses me off, and the longer it takes to get answers just makes me angry, and fuels me to keep trying to find ways to get justice. I think the arguments I have presented in my case really deserve another look. And I also thinks the ADA knows that and doesnt know what to do about it. Morally, should I be filing charges against Kevin , no. But if I am to follow the letter of the law, yes I should. Morality rarely plays a role in my decisions in life, this situation should be no different.
I dont know if I am so calm because I am still not accepting that there is nothing I can do. Or maybe its because I now have time on my side. I can decide when to file that civil suit. I have time to research and get everything together I need. It may be a combination of both.
As I have said before, I am beyond upset that they will not file against my rapist, after I was so open, not hiding anything, answering every question, going through the rape kit, flying back to the city and going through the so called re-interview......which wtf is that about ....In order for me to keep some sense of sanity , by brain chose to block out a lot of what happened.. How am I do give an exact account of events when that has happened. When I was initially brought to the ADAs office back in September, I walked out of the so called "meeting" when the ADA came in because I could tell she just didnt want to listen to me and I was going to get no where with her. At no time was I informed that while I was meeting with the victim advocate that it was a formal Interview regarding the case. And at that time there was no interview. They asked why I felt it was so important to get my rapists name. That was the extent of it....and when the ADA would talk over me and not let me finish a sentence I got up and walked out. Had I been made aware, that they were actually trying to "interview" me to get testimony while it was still fresh I would have stayed.
That actually pisses me off the more I think about it. The ADA talked over me then, and she talked over me and wouldnt listen the other night on the phone either. Note to you Ms. Glass, listen to your victim. Let them finish sentence. Then, when they are done, you can chime in with your "company line" and be on your way.
Anyway, sorry for the tangent, got myself a little angry right there.
I honestly cant tell anyone what to do. When you are raped, you react the best way you know how, and in reacting however you do, you are helping yourself survive. Never be upset with yourself that you said nothing....as disgusting as it sounds, sometimes its better to not put yourself through all of the excess frustrations. If you report and then decide to drop the case, good for you. You need to take care of yourself. No punishment on another person will make your pain any easier. If you decide to follow all the way through, there are no words. If you can do that, you can do just about anything.
The line you will hear the most when you report rape is about counseling. Everyone forces a counselor on you. You go home with a pocket full of phone numbers and websites. Some need counseling, and the fact that you can recognize and accept that, I admire. I know I need help but I refuse the counseling that has been shoved down my throat since day one. I refuse because I dont believe telling one person, that writes down your every emotion, then judges you , really isnt doing you a service. Someone that listens to you, then tacks on and ICD-9 code (diagnosis code) to put you in a "group" of society that suffers from the same. Usually it is a PTSD diagnosis. I dont need someone telling me I have PTSD, I know damn well I do. I dont need someone else to write down my emotions, thoughts, actions and reactions. I think I do that well enough on my own. If I didnt have my 2 close friends that I have, I probably would have gone to counseling just because, whether I like it or not, sometimes I need someone to tell me i am going to be ok, and that they are there for me no matter what. If I didnt have that support system, I would have needed someone to go to.
But like I said, no single human reacts the same way to the same situation.
Rape victims need to just sit down, take a second ( or take all the time in the world...because trust me, right now our justice system is so barbaric that you have years), and assess. Just think about what you think will help get you through. And trust me.....that is tough to do. To be able to sit and think should be so simple, but after you have been raped, you have so many thoughts racing through your mind, you cant tell up from down. But if you can sit in a quiet room, or maybe in a room by yourself with your favorite music and force yourself to focus, the thoughts will eventually slow down. I encourage you to write everything, because you will forget things, and you will question yourself and your memory....so write everyday. You never have to go back and read it again, but it may come in handy in the future. You can even write, and if you so choose, go to a counselor and either read or let the counselor read what you wrote. Just make sure everything is documented, because as time goes on, your brain blocks things out. And if you do get a trial, you may need those earlier memories that you just dont remember any more.
If you want, you can write to me.....I am very surprised how much it has helped me speak with other women that have been raped and are willing to talk about it. You can say anything you want to me, ask advice, tell me what i have reported you dont think is rape, ask my opinion as to if you were raped......
I am here to help....and I know that sounds stupid......but there is literally no one willing to talk about rape in such a public forum, and very few websites that offer very much help or information. Thats probably half of the reason I was so panicky in the first place.
I want everyone that reads this to know that they can talk to me about anything by email dvaughnnopd@yahoo.com . I will never blog about anything you say, I will never speak to another person about what you say. I will uphold confidentiality rules that apply in law and medicine. I just found myself wanting to be able to ask so many questions when I was raped, and there was really no one to ask.
I hope I can be that person for some readers. I see the searches that lead people to this site, the searches are people looking for answers about all aspects of rape....what the rape kit is like, if they were raped, what is the process like. People need answers, and while I am in no way an expert, I have been through this and will offer all I have to help anyone get through this terrible time.
I do have to say, as much as you think you want to be alone, dont believe that for a second. Sure, you are entitled to time to yourself, but when it comes down to it, you need distraction....and having others around is a great distraction. You dont need to tell anyone what happened to you, just make sure that you are around people every so often to remind yourself that the world doesnt have to be such a terrible place.
I am still waiting for the massive wave of panick and nausea to set in.
Not really understanding why I feel so calm and relaxed, almost no cares in the world.
Still havent heard back from the ADA regarding filing the charges. I dont know if she just isnt putting any effort forward, or if she is panicking trying find a way to make me go away.
To me, by her taking the law,as is, word for word and not charging my rapist, she now has a catch 22 . Taking the law word for word means Kevin broke the law.
Im just saying. I will not give up, so if that is what is holding her back , she shouldnt think I am going away. When you are raped, you lose everything. You lose your sense of self, you lose your mind, you lose all control.....How you come to deal with that happening is completely personal and different for all victims.
Some dont say a word. I dont blame them- The fact that the initial "investigation" takes so long...and turns out to be more of an investigation to find a way to blame the victim than a way to prove the victim is right, is just wrong on so many levels...I could write a novel on that alone.
But then you have deal with a DA that you dont get to pick, who is probably miserable in their job and doesnt give a shit what happens to you (but can memorize and recite the "company" line that they are and have exhausted all resources in the "investigation"). Then, if your DA actually decides for a trial, you most likely wait years to get your day in court.....and by day in court....its literally a day in court. Rape victims do not get to sit in on their own trials. Rape victims are considered witnesses. Rape victims only get to testify. Rape victims are not allowed to take part in their own trial as it may "taint:" their testimony.
So not only are you allowed to view your own Police Report, regarding your own rape, but you dont get to listen to all the bullshit stories your rapist and his "acquaintances" we able to fabricate within the years it took to get to court. Sometimes, I think I wouldnt be going through the emotional mess I am going through if I had just not said anything. I wouldnt have the frustrations of dealing with an ADA that doesnt want to do any research into how to try a case. I wouldnt have the frustrations of a mostly incompetent police force....at least the Sex Crimes Detectives anyway. I wouldnt have to sit and research hours out of my day to give the ADA more ideas as to how my rapist can be charged.
Which leads into the next category of rape victims that actually do report their assault. They go through the agony of reporting, the rape kit, the months of waiting for results and answers.....and get so fed up and so exhausted that they just give up and drop any pursuit of their rapist. The time it takes to get anywhere in a rape case is appalling. While a woman or man that has been raped could be taking the time to heal and recover.....they have to wait and re-open all wounds and start from scratch again years later. Most of the time its just not worth giving up your mental health to punish some freak that cant keep it in his pants.
The thought to just stop and let myself heal has crossed my mind more than once. I just want to get on with my life. I want to be the woman I was before that didnt have to worry about panic attacks or randomly crying in public places because emotion decides to show up and overwhelm me. I want to be the woman I was before, that didnt have to write down everything I was feeling to make sure i didnt kill myself, to keep my sanity. If I just stop now , maybe I can start to get back to that woman.
I admire the women that stick through their cases to the end. One woman that has contacted me is finally getting her case to trial.....8 years after she was raped. 8 years! How is that acceptable in our society?!?!? I'd like to think I am a strong woman, but I was ready to kill myself after 2 months, I dont know how this woman made it eight years.
I am not saying I am giving up. The more this ADA pisses me off, and the longer it takes to get answers just makes me angry, and fuels me to keep trying to find ways to get justice. I think the arguments I have presented in my case really deserve another look. And I also thinks the ADA knows that and doesnt know what to do about it. Morally, should I be filing charges against Kevin , no. But if I am to follow the letter of the law, yes I should. Morality rarely plays a role in my decisions in life, this situation should be no different.
I dont know if I am so calm because I am still not accepting that there is nothing I can do. Or maybe its because I now have time on my side. I can decide when to file that civil suit. I have time to research and get everything together I need. It may be a combination of both.
As I have said before, I am beyond upset that they will not file against my rapist, after I was so open, not hiding anything, answering every question, going through the rape kit, flying back to the city and going through the so called re-interview......which wtf is that about ....In order for me to keep some sense of sanity , by brain chose to block out a lot of what happened.. How am I do give an exact account of events when that has happened. When I was initially brought to the ADAs office back in September, I walked out of the so called "meeting" when the ADA came in because I could tell she just didnt want to listen to me and I was going to get no where with her. At no time was I informed that while I was meeting with the victim advocate that it was a formal Interview regarding the case. And at that time there was no interview. They asked why I felt it was so important to get my rapists name. That was the extent of it....and when the ADA would talk over me and not let me finish a sentence I got up and walked out. Had I been made aware, that they were actually trying to "interview" me to get testimony while it was still fresh I would have stayed.
That actually pisses me off the more I think about it. The ADA talked over me then, and she talked over me and wouldnt listen the other night on the phone either. Note to you Ms. Glass, listen to your victim. Let them finish sentence. Then, when they are done, you can chime in with your "company line" and be on your way.
Anyway, sorry for the tangent, got myself a little angry right there.
I honestly cant tell anyone what to do. When you are raped, you react the best way you know how, and in reacting however you do, you are helping yourself survive. Never be upset with yourself that you said nothing....as disgusting as it sounds, sometimes its better to not put yourself through all of the excess frustrations. If you report and then decide to drop the case, good for you. You need to take care of yourself. No punishment on another person will make your pain any easier. If you decide to follow all the way through, there are no words. If you can do that, you can do just about anything.
The line you will hear the most when you report rape is about counseling. Everyone forces a counselor on you. You go home with a pocket full of phone numbers and websites. Some need counseling, and the fact that you can recognize and accept that, I admire. I know I need help but I refuse the counseling that has been shoved down my throat since day one. I refuse because I dont believe telling one person, that writes down your every emotion, then judges you , really isnt doing you a service. Someone that listens to you, then tacks on and ICD-9 code (diagnosis code) to put you in a "group" of society that suffers from the same. Usually it is a PTSD diagnosis. I dont need someone telling me I have PTSD, I know damn well I do. I dont need someone else to write down my emotions, thoughts, actions and reactions. I think I do that well enough on my own. If I didnt have my 2 close friends that I have, I probably would have gone to counseling just because, whether I like it or not, sometimes I need someone to tell me i am going to be ok, and that they are there for me no matter what. If I didnt have that support system, I would have needed someone to go to.
But like I said, no single human reacts the same way to the same situation.
Rape victims need to just sit down, take a second ( or take all the time in the world...because trust me, right now our justice system is so barbaric that you have years), and assess. Just think about what you think will help get you through. And trust me.....that is tough to do. To be able to sit and think should be so simple, but after you have been raped, you have so many thoughts racing through your mind, you cant tell up from down. But if you can sit in a quiet room, or maybe in a room by yourself with your favorite music and force yourself to focus, the thoughts will eventually slow down. I encourage you to write everything, because you will forget things, and you will question yourself and your memory....so write everyday. You never have to go back and read it again, but it may come in handy in the future. You can even write, and if you so choose, go to a counselor and either read or let the counselor read what you wrote. Just make sure everything is documented, because as time goes on, your brain blocks things out. And if you do get a trial, you may need those earlier memories that you just dont remember any more.
If you want, you can write to me.....I am very surprised how much it has helped me speak with other women that have been raped and are willing to talk about it. You can say anything you want to me, ask advice, tell me what i have reported you dont think is rape, ask my opinion as to if you were raped......
I am here to help....and I know that sounds stupid......but there is literally no one willing to talk about rape in such a public forum, and very few websites that offer very much help or information. Thats probably half of the reason I was so panicky in the first place.
I want everyone that reads this to know that they can talk to me about anything by email dvaughnnopd@yahoo.com . I will never blog about anything you say, I will never speak to another person about what you say. I will uphold confidentiality rules that apply in law and medicine. I just found myself wanting to be able to ask so many questions when I was raped, and there was really no one to ask.
I hope I can be that person for some readers. I see the searches that lead people to this site, the searches are people looking for answers about all aspects of rape....what the rape kit is like, if they were raped, what is the process like. People need answers, and while I am in no way an expert, I have been through this and will offer all I have to help anyone get through this terrible time.
I do have to say, as much as you think you want to be alone, dont believe that for a second. Sure, you are entitled to time to yourself, but when it comes down to it, you need distraction....and having others around is a great distraction. You dont need to tell anyone what happened to you, just make sure that you are around people every so often to remind yourself that the world doesnt have to be such a terrible place.
A True Best Friend....aaawwwe
12/22/10 Wed. 10 :04 AM
I get to work this morning to find a christmas present waiting for me on my chair. My best friend figured I could use some holiday cheer a bit early.........kind of makes me feel a little worse because I snapped at her yesterday morning and pretty much flipped out on her about something completely stupid and work related.
So what does a best friend give to their friend at a time like this? Only the best possible present a girl could ask for......2 pairs of comfy flannel pants and a bottle of clemintine vodka.
Exactly what I needed.
Hope everyone is well
I get to work this morning to find a christmas present waiting for me on my chair. My best friend figured I could use some holiday cheer a bit early.........kind of makes me feel a little worse because I snapped at her yesterday morning and pretty much flipped out on her about something completely stupid and work related.
So what does a best friend give to their friend at a time like this? Only the best possible present a girl could ask for......2 pairs of comfy flannel pants and a bottle of clemintine vodka.
Exactly what I needed.
Hope everyone is well
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Break up
12/21/10 Tuesday 6:50
Just ended things with a guy I had been seeing. I've known him since march or april we dated a little, nothing serious. I started seriously dating him in October.....
He knows everything that happened to me and has been very supportive and more than understanding about my ups and downs....but I just cant worry about anyone elses feelings right now..
I want to be alone, and dont want to have to explain to anyone when or why I want to be by myself. I dont want to have to answer to anyone. I dont want to have him think I am cheating on him because I dont talk to him for a week.
I cant worry about him getting upset because I am not around...I have enough BS in my life right now, I dont need to worry about anyone else.
Timing sucks being Christmas and all, but you need to do everything you can to survive and right now, that means not worrying about anyone but me
Ive always been independent , I never needed anything from anyone. I dont date people all that often for the pure fact that people generally annoy the crap out of me. God forbid you dont call or answer a text right away....all relationships bring is unnecessary drama. I have been in 3 serious relationships before, but by the time the 4th year came around I ended things.....which should have been ended after year 3 ( ya know, the kind of relationship you stay in just because there is a comfort level of having someone there). I decided there really isnt much of a point to trying to find someone to be with. If they find me great, yay for me. Most people dont hold my interest all that often, but when they do I pursue it full force.
I will most likely regret this decision in time. This man always treated me well and understood my ridiculous humor. But for now, I need to take care of myself.
Just ended things with a guy I had been seeing. I've known him since march or april we dated a little, nothing serious. I started seriously dating him in October.....
He knows everything that happened to me and has been very supportive and more than understanding about my ups and downs....but I just cant worry about anyone elses feelings right now..
I want to be alone, and dont want to have to explain to anyone when or why I want to be by myself. I dont want to have to answer to anyone. I dont want to have him think I am cheating on him because I dont talk to him for a week.
I cant worry about him getting upset because I am not around...I have enough BS in my life right now, I dont need to worry about anyone else.
Timing sucks being Christmas and all, but you need to do everything you can to survive and right now, that means not worrying about anyone but me
Ive always been independent , I never needed anything from anyone. I dont date people all that often for the pure fact that people generally annoy the crap out of me. God forbid you dont call or answer a text right away....all relationships bring is unnecessary drama. I have been in 3 serious relationships before, but by the time the 4th year came around I ended things.....which should have been ended after year 3 ( ya know, the kind of relationship you stay in just because there is a comfort level of having someone there). I decided there really isnt much of a point to trying to find someone to be with. If they find me great, yay for me. Most people dont hold my interest all that often, but when they do I pursue it full force.
I will most likely regret this decision in time. This man always treated me well and understood my ridiculous humor. But for now, I need to take care of myself.
slipping
12/21/10 Tuesday 5:11 PM
I can feel my good mood slipping. Im trying to fight it off the best I can but I dont think it is working.
The pain in my chest is now constant, no more coming and going, its just there.
Im tired. Im annoyed. Just getting really sad. Trying to find distraction in work....not working too well. I just want to go home and go to bed, but I cant. I have a significant amount of work and my house is in desperate need of cleaning if my family is coming to town...... now I am just feeling annoyed that they are coming and going to be in my house for a minimum of 6 hours.
A co-worker just came into my office, that was a good distraction. The chest discomfort is less...my mind is a little less slow.
This seems a little different from before. Before I wanted to just be alone and not associate with anyone...Now it seems that being around someone might help a little.
I wish I could just stick with one emotion and go with it.
I can feel my good mood slipping. Im trying to fight it off the best I can but I dont think it is working.
The pain in my chest is now constant, no more coming and going, its just there.
Im tired. Im annoyed. Just getting really sad. Trying to find distraction in work....not working too well. I just want to go home and go to bed, but I cant. I have a significant amount of work and my house is in desperate need of cleaning if my family is coming to town...... now I am just feeling annoyed that they are coming and going to be in my house for a minimum of 6 hours.
A co-worker just came into my office, that was a good distraction. The chest discomfort is less...my mind is a little less slow.
This seems a little different from before. Before I wanted to just be alone and not associate with anyone...Now it seems that being around someone might help a little.
I wish I could just stick with one emotion and go with it.
Anxiety
12/21/10 - Tuesday 4:20 PM
Having a few instances of palpitations and racing heart. Pretty much just anxiety. I am able to talk myself out of it though. I just take a minute, breathe and get back to work.
Its a little annoying feeling the rush to my chest ....but that feeling has been much worse so I cant really complain.
Havent heard back from the ADA regarding the new charges I want to file due to her persistence of taking the meaning of laws word for word. She quickly responded back ever so politely reminding me I told her I didnt want to press charges. I reminded her that a victim absolutely has the right to change their mind about pressing charges.....maybe she is putting some effort into figuring out if I can do this or not, but I doubt it.
The frustrating part is I cant hire my own representation in a criminal proceeding, I am stuck with what I get.
As much as I wanted this blog to be an encouragement to all rape victims that coming forward and not hiding anything would guarantee at least a trial....I unfortunately cant stand by that. I have been more than cooperative, sharing more information than is probably necessary , with the entire world
And by entire world, I mean entire world. Im not sure on exact figures , but roughly 30 countries from all over the globe have read all or part of this blog. Today is actually a big day. This blog will reach over 10,000 page reads today...right now I am at 9,996.
Clearly this blog is helping people. With the tracking from this website alone, I can tell what words were searched in google that directed someone to my page.
Not surprisingly and very unfortunately, "what to expect from a rape kit", "how do i know if i am a rape victim", and "i was raped" are 3 very common searches.
Knowing that women and/or men that are looking for information that just is not widely available on the Internet are at least getting a few details of what happens after rape, is a pretty big comfort.
I panicked when I couldnt find anything..... at least now, something, no matter how controversial this case is....is out there for victims to read and help themselves understand their situation better. Maybe it will even convince more victims to file the report and stay on the police departments ass until the get some sort of result, whether the result is what they want to hear or not......at least they did something.
The best you can do is try.....fight like hell. Sometimes it wont go your way, and you are going to piss a ton of people off. But if you feel your are being treated poorly by those that are sworn to protect, make sure you are heard and dont take no for an answer. Dont let them push your case to the side because it would take too much effort to prove. Dont let them tell you there is nothing they can do. Dont let them bullshit you by telling you that all of their resources have been fully exhausted in investigating your case. Fight until all options are exhausted......at least fighting still gives you something to live for.
Having a few instances of palpitations and racing heart. Pretty much just anxiety. I am able to talk myself out of it though. I just take a minute, breathe and get back to work.
Its a little annoying feeling the rush to my chest ....but that feeling has been much worse so I cant really complain.
Havent heard back from the ADA regarding the new charges I want to file due to her persistence of taking the meaning of laws word for word. She quickly responded back ever so politely reminding me I told her I didnt want to press charges. I reminded her that a victim absolutely has the right to change their mind about pressing charges.....maybe she is putting some effort into figuring out if I can do this or not, but I doubt it.
The frustrating part is I cant hire my own representation in a criminal proceeding, I am stuck with what I get.
As much as I wanted this blog to be an encouragement to all rape victims that coming forward and not hiding anything would guarantee at least a trial....I unfortunately cant stand by that. I have been more than cooperative, sharing more information than is probably necessary , with the entire world
And by entire world, I mean entire world. Im not sure on exact figures , but roughly 30 countries from all over the globe have read all or part of this blog. Today is actually a big day. This blog will reach over 10,000 page reads today...right now I am at 9,996.
Clearly this blog is helping people. With the tracking from this website alone, I can tell what words were searched in google that directed someone to my page.
Not surprisingly and very unfortunately, "what to expect from a rape kit", "how do i know if i am a rape victim", and "i was raped" are 3 very common searches.
Knowing that women and/or men that are looking for information that just is not widely available on the Internet are at least getting a few details of what happens after rape, is a pretty big comfort.
I panicked when I couldnt find anything..... at least now, something, no matter how controversial this case is....is out there for victims to read and help themselves understand their situation better. Maybe it will even convince more victims to file the report and stay on the police departments ass until the get some sort of result, whether the result is what they want to hear or not......at least they did something.
The best you can do is try.....fight like hell. Sometimes it wont go your way, and you are going to piss a ton of people off. But if you feel your are being treated poorly by those that are sworn to protect, make sure you are heard and dont take no for an answer. Dont let them push your case to the side because it would take too much effort to prove. Dont let them tell you there is nothing they can do. Dont let them bullshit you by telling you that all of their resources have been fully exhausted in investigating your case. Fight until all options are exhausted......at least fighting still gives you something to live for.
New Years, New Job?
12/21/10 Tuesday 12:26 PM
Generally for New Years I do nothing. Maybe stop by a party for an hour and head home.
This year feels different. This year I feel like I need to get away, crazy seeing how I just got back from a vacation of sorts. Friends from the city are heading to Lake Placid and want me to go.... I would love to, but im not a fan of standing around in the snow all day. I dont know how to ski and have no desire to try. Its a little long of a drive so Im not sure. A friend in Boston is asking me to come up, but thats also a pretty decent drive. Albany is also a choice, pretty close....but if it snows there goes my trip because Im not driving 2 hours in it.
Considering a flight to LA. I could use some sun and I miss my friends out there.
Its kind of a nice feeling that I dont have to wait around for answers (that technically werent even answers). The ball is in my court with the civil case now...... The only thing I am waiting on is if the Assistant DA will put the effort forward to charge Kevin now. As I have said before. If the Assistant DA wants to take the law as stated, word for word, this is a slam dunk case against him. But once again, it requires effort so I dont expect much.
Work is good, I am calm, I am looking forward to another mini-vacation next week....and actually a mini stay-cation this weekend as our company gave us Friday off and I have been working so much Im thinking of taking most of Thursday too.
My family is all coming to town, and I actually dont care....well I do care, Im actually looking forward to having everyone in my house on Christmas Eve. Had Christmas been last month I probably would have been pissed at the thought of having everyone in my house with no where to go.
Im also looking for jobs out of New York. Im back to loving what I do again, but I can love what I do in another state. I was planning on moving to New Orleans and living with a friend of mine down there, but unfortunately he may be transferred to San Diego. So now I am looking in New Orleans, San Diego and yes, Phoenix. Some may think thats a dumb idea.....but I think it might be pretty empowering. If I ever run into any of these men, I am pretty sure it would throw them for quite the loop.
Generally for New Years I do nothing. Maybe stop by a party for an hour and head home.
This year feels different. This year I feel like I need to get away, crazy seeing how I just got back from a vacation of sorts. Friends from the city are heading to Lake Placid and want me to go.... I would love to, but im not a fan of standing around in the snow all day. I dont know how to ski and have no desire to try. Its a little long of a drive so Im not sure. A friend in Boston is asking me to come up, but thats also a pretty decent drive. Albany is also a choice, pretty close....but if it snows there goes my trip because Im not driving 2 hours in it.
Considering a flight to LA. I could use some sun and I miss my friends out there.
Its kind of a nice feeling that I dont have to wait around for answers (that technically werent even answers). The ball is in my court with the civil case now...... The only thing I am waiting on is if the Assistant DA will put the effort forward to charge Kevin now. As I have said before. If the Assistant DA wants to take the law as stated, word for word, this is a slam dunk case against him. But once again, it requires effort so I dont expect much.
Work is good, I am calm, I am looking forward to another mini-vacation next week....and actually a mini stay-cation this weekend as our company gave us Friday off and I have been working so much Im thinking of taking most of Thursday too.
My family is all coming to town, and I actually dont care....well I do care, Im actually looking forward to having everyone in my house on Christmas Eve. Had Christmas been last month I probably would have been pissed at the thought of having everyone in my house with no where to go.
Im also looking for jobs out of New York. Im back to loving what I do again, but I can love what I do in another state. I was planning on moving to New Orleans and living with a friend of mine down there, but unfortunately he may be transferred to San Diego. So now I am looking in New Orleans, San Diego and yes, Phoenix. Some may think thats a dumb idea.....but I think it might be pretty empowering. If I ever run into any of these men, I am pretty sure it would throw them for quite the loop.
Strangely Fine
12/21/10 - Tuesday 11:03 AM
Slept great last night, got into work by 9:30, still have a great attitude. Im not sure if I am just in shock or if I really just dont care.
Just found out some interesting news. Not once was I informed that Mary Glass was the ASSISTANT District Attorney. You think someone may have wanted to mention this to me before hand.
Well Mary, Im pretty sure I have a good grasp as to why you arent the DA and hopefully will never be. You put more effort into circumventing valid questions and looking into ways to do the least amount of work than you would have if you actually just did the work in the first place.
Mary seems to take the Legal Terminology in written law as word for word.
Well, my new fight has come. If the law is to be taken word for word, Kevin Lange should be prosecuted on rape charges. As, I was told by Detective Snazzy Pants, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman known to be intoxicated in the state of Louisiana.
If we are to take the law as written, word for word, Kevin Lange should be charged. Rape laws make it clear that a woman has a right to change her mind AT ANY TIME. Well, I was intoxicated and while I went with the intention to have sex, I was in no condition to be able to change my mind and decide I didnt want to go any further.
According to this Assistant District Attorney, Intent means nothing. Therefore my intent in going to that house to be with Kevin is not relevent.
My belief system allows for lack of morality. I have emailed Assistant DA Mary Glass to file charges against Kevin Lange
Slept great last night, got into work by 9:30, still have a great attitude. Im not sure if I am just in shock or if I really just dont care.
Just found out some interesting news. Not once was I informed that Mary Glass was the ASSISTANT District Attorney. You think someone may have wanted to mention this to me before hand.
Well Mary, Im pretty sure I have a good grasp as to why you arent the DA and hopefully will never be. You put more effort into circumventing valid questions and looking into ways to do the least amount of work than you would have if you actually just did the work in the first place.
Mary seems to take the Legal Terminology in written law as word for word.
Well, my new fight has come. If the law is to be taken word for word, Kevin Lange should be prosecuted on rape charges. As, I was told by Detective Snazzy Pants, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman known to be intoxicated in the state of Louisiana.
If we are to take the law as written, word for word, Kevin Lange should be charged. Rape laws make it clear that a woman has a right to change her mind AT ANY TIME. Well, I was intoxicated and while I went with the intention to have sex, I was in no condition to be able to change my mind and decide I didnt want to go any further.
According to this Assistant District Attorney, Intent means nothing. Therefore my intent in going to that house to be with Kevin is not relevent.
My belief system allows for lack of morality. I have emailed Assistant DA Mary Glass to file charges against Kevin Lange
Monday, December 20, 2010
Strange
12/20/10 - Monday 8:54 PM
Hey good news! Im not dead :)
I always wondered how I would react when the DA finally gave me a definitive answer. I assumed I would panic and either slit my wrists or take some pills.
Well Im still here. Not panicking. Not shaking. Actually laughing a little bit.
The lack of "outside of the box thinking" or willingness to research on the DA's side is laughable. Your a DA so you probably dont make huge amounts of money to do what you do, but come on!
A part of the reason our country has a court system is because INTERPRETATION OF THE LAW. Most issues in our courts today are because both sides have different views on how certain laws applicable to the case are interpreted.
What sucks is that when you are a victim of rape, and you have a lazy DA and police department that are supposed to be on your side, you are fucked. When you are a victim of rape, you cannot hire your own lawyer and pursue your rapist, you get handed off to the state. Shoved into the overloaded workday of an overworked DA that just cant give the time necessary to actually put together a quality case or find a way to fight for you.
When you are a victim of rape, if you are told the state wont fight for you, your only recourse is to file a civil suit. In rape cases, unfortunately the burden of proof in a criminal court is beyond a reasonable doubt...usually the DA needs to be 99% sure a jury will have absolutely no doubts. In a civil suit, the standard is lower. Burden of proof is the preponderance of evidence. The jury can still have doubt and side with the victim.
In civil cases they warn the victim that they open their life to scrutiny by all. I say bring it...my life is an open blog. I have a feeling my rapist is probably trying to hide all of his assets right now...if he had any. His friends all seem to be pretty stable in what they do, so chances are he may also be stable.
I still feel as great as I felt earlier today. I have no choice but to pick up and move on.
When you have nothing to lose, you have everything to gain. Nothing more can be taken from me, I have no where to go but up or 6 feet under. I choose to go up for now.
I also choose when I want to file this civil suit. Statute of limitations differs by state but I figure I have at least a year to file, or not file if I so choose. I have a whole year to get anything I need together. I have a whole year to make him wait and wonder.
I have a whole year to find him on my own.
I hear flights to Phoenix are a great deal right now :) Its probably cheaper to just fly my ass out there and find a Private Investigator. I could get a nice vacation to a state I've never been to while a PI does all the work for me.....sounds phenomenal
And if he's not in Arizona...and he was one of the guys that lives in Los Angeles....those flights are cheap too and I have friends there. If i was meant to find him I will. If I wasnt, I will file the civil suit and have my lawyer find him for me.
I think it might be time for me to take my paralegal certification test now. I have all of the course work done, i've just been putting it off because the medical field happened to catch my eye while I was taking courses.
2 college degrees, 1 certification and another on the way......All of this education is going to pay off somehow.
Good night world. I appreciate all of your support and I wish you all the best.
Off to bed.....
Hey good news! Im not dead :)
I always wondered how I would react when the DA finally gave me a definitive answer. I assumed I would panic and either slit my wrists or take some pills.
Well Im still here. Not panicking. Not shaking. Actually laughing a little bit.
The lack of "outside of the box thinking" or willingness to research on the DA's side is laughable. Your a DA so you probably dont make huge amounts of money to do what you do, but come on!
A part of the reason our country has a court system is because INTERPRETATION OF THE LAW. Most issues in our courts today are because both sides have different views on how certain laws applicable to the case are interpreted.
What sucks is that when you are a victim of rape, and you have a lazy DA and police department that are supposed to be on your side, you are fucked. When you are a victim of rape, you cannot hire your own lawyer and pursue your rapist, you get handed off to the state. Shoved into the overloaded workday of an overworked DA that just cant give the time necessary to actually put together a quality case or find a way to fight for you.
When you are a victim of rape, if you are told the state wont fight for you, your only recourse is to file a civil suit. In rape cases, unfortunately the burden of proof in a criminal court is beyond a reasonable doubt...usually the DA needs to be 99% sure a jury will have absolutely no doubts. In a civil suit, the standard is lower. Burden of proof is the preponderance of evidence. The jury can still have doubt and side with the victim.
In civil cases they warn the victim that they open their life to scrutiny by all. I say bring it...my life is an open blog. I have a feeling my rapist is probably trying to hide all of his assets right now...if he had any. His friends all seem to be pretty stable in what they do, so chances are he may also be stable.
I still feel as great as I felt earlier today. I have no choice but to pick up and move on.
When you have nothing to lose, you have everything to gain. Nothing more can be taken from me, I have no where to go but up or 6 feet under. I choose to go up for now.
I also choose when I want to file this civil suit. Statute of limitations differs by state but I figure I have at least a year to file, or not file if I so choose. I have a whole year to get anything I need together. I have a whole year to make him wait and wonder.
I have a whole year to find him on my own.
I hear flights to Phoenix are a great deal right now :) Its probably cheaper to just fly my ass out there and find a Private Investigator. I could get a nice vacation to a state I've never been to while a PI does all the work for me.....sounds phenomenal
And if he's not in Arizona...and he was one of the guys that lives in Los Angeles....those flights are cheap too and I have friends there. If i was meant to find him I will. If I wasnt, I will file the civil suit and have my lawyer find him for me.
I think it might be time for me to take my paralegal certification test now. I have all of the course work done, i've just been putting it off because the medical field happened to catch my eye while I was taking courses.
2 college degrees, 1 certification and another on the way......All of this education is going to pay off somehow.
Good night world. I appreciate all of your support and I wish you all the best.
Off to bed.....
Seriously? Now im not holding back
5:38 12/20/10
time to put up or shut up right? I called the DA back.
They are not pursuing the case due to issue of consent. I said yes. (merry fucking christmas)
When I asked again WHY WAS HE IN THAT BED WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, I get the runaround. What it boils down to is no one even thought to ask. I asked the DA 3 or 4 times, having to speak over her voice because she wouldnt listen and me asking that question makes her nervous. WTF? why is that question not relevant.
I was told when I was in the hospital waiting to go through the rape kit, by Detective Snazzy Pants, that in Louisiana it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman that is known to be intoxicated. At that point, he informed me Kevin could be charged as well as I was drunk.
Well then why isnt this applicable to the freak that raped me..Clearly I was drunk, I dont remember a thing from the moment that local man left me at their doorstep ...which was around 3 AM or so I have been told.
So If I am drunk at 3 AM to the point where I dont remember anything, HOW COULD I BE SOBER BY 6 AM????
She said I told them I was sober when they re-interviewed me. Yes and no. I told them I was not hungover and felt sober....who wouldnt sober up in about 2.5 seconds with a strange man in their bed?
Basically what this is boiling down to was I said yes. But I said yes to a person I thought was Kevin. Why would I have expected it to be anyone else but Kevin. Again....What was he doing in that bed and why does the DA not find that important? Apparently if a strange man does this to a Married woman and she thinks its her husband its rape..... She has the expectation its her husband.....so why, when I went to that house to be with Kevin and had sex with Kevin, wouldnt I have that same expectation that my rapist was Kevin.
I asked the DA about a plain assault charge and it took her back. There was total hesitance before she answered. Then she came up with some bullshit talk around excuse. Truth is, you dont want to put forth any effort into this and your bullshit that you have gone above and beyond is a joke.
I have asked repeatedly for the police report....even if they black out information relating to my rapists identity and have been told no. What exactly are you hiding? What about victims rights? I should be able to see that report with blacked out markings of anything that would identify him.
I am filing a civil suit and having my lawyer request any and all documentation. I will probably wait until after the first of the year.
So in the meantime, if you know Kevin Lange, Paul Rambeau or Mac Fortune (seriously...thats his name), that hang out with a married man with children named Mike and another friend that goes by the nickname Left Blow (still find this stupid), who are also friends with a creepy guy that had a bachelor party in New Orleans the last weekend of December......you could save me a lot of time and just give me this persons name.
Get yourself a lawyer kid.
Oh and I am still filing against that first detective as well. Looks like next year is going to be quite a busy year
time to put up or shut up right? I called the DA back.
They are not pursuing the case due to issue of consent. I said yes. (merry fucking christmas)
When I asked again WHY WAS HE IN THAT BED WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, I get the runaround. What it boils down to is no one even thought to ask. I asked the DA 3 or 4 times, having to speak over her voice because she wouldnt listen and me asking that question makes her nervous. WTF? why is that question not relevant.
I was told when I was in the hospital waiting to go through the rape kit, by Detective Snazzy Pants, that in Louisiana it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman that is known to be intoxicated. At that point, he informed me Kevin could be charged as well as I was drunk.
Well then why isnt this applicable to the freak that raped me..Clearly I was drunk, I dont remember a thing from the moment that local man left me at their doorstep ...which was around 3 AM or so I have been told.
So If I am drunk at 3 AM to the point where I dont remember anything, HOW COULD I BE SOBER BY 6 AM????
She said I told them I was sober when they re-interviewed me. Yes and no. I told them I was not hungover and felt sober....who wouldnt sober up in about 2.5 seconds with a strange man in their bed?
Basically what this is boiling down to was I said yes. But I said yes to a person I thought was Kevin. Why would I have expected it to be anyone else but Kevin. Again....What was he doing in that bed and why does the DA not find that important? Apparently if a strange man does this to a Married woman and she thinks its her husband its rape..... She has the expectation its her husband.....so why, when I went to that house to be with Kevin and had sex with Kevin, wouldnt I have that same expectation that my rapist was Kevin.
I asked the DA about a plain assault charge and it took her back. There was total hesitance before she answered. Then she came up with some bullshit talk around excuse. Truth is, you dont want to put forth any effort into this and your bullshit that you have gone above and beyond is a joke.
I have asked repeatedly for the police report....even if they black out information relating to my rapists identity and have been told no. What exactly are you hiding? What about victims rights? I should be able to see that report with blacked out markings of anything that would identify him.
I am filing a civil suit and having my lawyer request any and all documentation. I will probably wait until after the first of the year.
So in the meantime, if you know Kevin Lange, Paul Rambeau or Mac Fortune (seriously...thats his name), that hang out with a married man with children named Mike and another friend that goes by the nickname Left Blow (still find this stupid), who are also friends with a creepy guy that had a bachelor party in New Orleans the last weekend of December......you could save me a lot of time and just give me this persons name.
Get yourself a lawyer kid.
Oh and I am still filing against that first detective as well. Looks like next year is going to be quite a busy year
Phone call
12/20/10 5:22 PM
The DA just called, I saw the area code and couldnt bring myself to answer. I figured it was her.
I cant bring myself to call her back either, Im in too good of a place right now to get bad news or be told they still cant give me information.
The DA just called, I saw the area code and couldnt bring myself to answer. I figured it was her.
I cant bring myself to call her back either, Im in too good of a place right now to get bad news or be told they still cant give me information.
I am just full of interesting thoughts today
12/20/10- Monday 2:47 PM
So last night while I was working, a lockdown was called. Impatient me quickly walked to the nearest door so I wouldnt be stuck all night.
I find out this morning there was shooting about 400 ft from my office out in the street.... When I was pulling out of the parking lot I could see all of the cop cars and flashing lights down the road. I didnt know what happened and I didnt want to, I was self absorbed and got out of the building because once a lockdown is called, your stuck for a very large amount of time.
There are cop cars and security all over the place today. Cops driving the streets , security standing outside in the freezing cold.
Want to know the first thought that popped into my head.......I wonder how the NOPD would handle this situation. Would they still be protecting the area and patrolling the streets? Or would they be sitting around putting more effort into finding ways not to do their job than it would take if they had just done their job in the first place. I know there are multiple shootings every day it seems in New Orleans ....but still.....
So last night while I was working, a lockdown was called. Impatient me quickly walked to the nearest door so I wouldnt be stuck all night.
I find out this morning there was shooting about 400 ft from my office out in the street.... When I was pulling out of the parking lot I could see all of the cop cars and flashing lights down the road. I didnt know what happened and I didnt want to, I was self absorbed and got out of the building because once a lockdown is called, your stuck for a very large amount of time.
There are cop cars and security all over the place today. Cops driving the streets , security standing outside in the freezing cold.
Want to know the first thought that popped into my head.......I wonder how the NOPD would handle this situation. Would they still be protecting the area and patrolling the streets? Or would they be sitting around putting more effort into finding ways not to do their job than it would take if they had just done their job in the first place. I know there are multiple shootings every day it seems in New Orleans ....but still.....
Why is it?
Just another random thought popping in my head.
Im sittin hear at work and all of a sudden I hear all of these women gathering and using high pitched voices, oooing and ahhhing, saying how cute.
I thought someone had brought their dog in for a little show and tell. Turns out it was a child.
Why is it that we feel the need to speak with/about children like they are pets?
Anyway, in case you cant tell, I am absolutely no good with children. Most women find it strange. I have no interest in having children or getting married....you should see the looks on just about everyone's face when I tell them that. I know I would be a terrible mother.... some people just arent good with kids. At least I am smart enough to not have one and ruin its life.
Anyway, sorry for the random tangent....back to work
Im sittin hear at work and all of a sudden I hear all of these women gathering and using high pitched voices, oooing and ahhhing, saying how cute.
I thought someone had brought their dog in for a little show and tell. Turns out it was a child.
Why is it that we feel the need to speak with/about children like they are pets?
Anyway, in case you cant tell, I am absolutely no good with children. Most women find it strange. I have no interest in having children or getting married....you should see the looks on just about everyone's face when I tell them that. I know I would be a terrible mother.... some people just arent good with kids. At least I am smart enough to not have one and ruin its life.
Anyway, sorry for the random tangent....back to work
Still Waiting, but with humor
12/20/10 Monday 10:53 AM
So I am still waiting for my copy of the police report to make it to me.....not sure why it takes so long to scan something into a computer and email the file. Now, I am fully aware that there is a time difference between New Orleans and New York....but I was under the impression it was only an hour, not a few days :)
Just more to waiting I guess....not new.
Im a gambler, I bet on the ponies every August when they are in Saratoga.....I'd place a good hundred bucks that I dont hear anything until after Christmas.....any takers? Hell, with the amazingly huge time zone difference, I probably wont hear until after New Years....... Just like Rape doesnt happen in New Orleans on the weekend, Apparently around the Holidays all work on Rape cases also stops.
Maybe my rapist is on his way back to New Orleans realizing that they dont take things seriously in that town so he will probably get away with raping another girl....I bet he's planning on going on Christmas!
Ya know, he would really make out then, maybe even rape 2 women in one night as Christmas is a Holiday and happens to fall on a Saturday this year.......
Rapists get ready, If I was raped on a just a regular Saturday, and specifically told by 2 people on the NOPD that the department works slower on the weekend.... you have an even better chance Christmas...and actually, you might as well hang around and try it again on New Years.....once again falling on a Saturday. .....and by the way...I can now laugh at the Antoine Dodson's youtube video about "Hide your Kids hide your Wife".
City of New Orleans, please listen to Antoine's advice the next two Saturdays and even....."hide your husband cuz they're rapin everybody out here....."
So I am still waiting for my copy of the police report to make it to me.....not sure why it takes so long to scan something into a computer and email the file. Now, I am fully aware that there is a time difference between New Orleans and New York....but I was under the impression it was only an hour, not a few days :)
Just more to waiting I guess....not new.
Im a gambler, I bet on the ponies every August when they are in Saratoga.....I'd place a good hundred bucks that I dont hear anything until after Christmas.....any takers? Hell, with the amazingly huge time zone difference, I probably wont hear until after New Years....... Just like Rape doesnt happen in New Orleans on the weekend, Apparently around the Holidays all work on Rape cases also stops.
Maybe my rapist is on his way back to New Orleans realizing that they dont take things seriously in that town so he will probably get away with raping another girl....I bet he's planning on going on Christmas!
Ya know, he would really make out then, maybe even rape 2 women in one night as Christmas is a Holiday and happens to fall on a Saturday this year.......
Rapists get ready, If I was raped on a just a regular Saturday, and specifically told by 2 people on the NOPD that the department works slower on the weekend.... you have an even better chance Christmas...and actually, you might as well hang around and try it again on New Years.....once again falling on a Saturday. .....and by the way...I can now laugh at the Antoine Dodson's youtube video about "Hide your Kids hide your Wife".
City of New Orleans, please listen to Antoine's advice the next two Saturdays and even....."hide your husband cuz they're rapin everybody out here....."
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Interesting Thought
Sunday 12/19/10- 4:24 PM
Still at work....curious as to what went on in the Saints game that they lost to the Ravens.
Anyway. As im working in my sweats of course in an empty office a thought just occurred to me.
In announcing the first and last names of these friends of my rapist....really , I shouldnt feel bad. According to my belief system, Morality isn't an issue. I cant be held morally responsible for releasing these names, and legally, its not libel or slander as labeling them as friends of a rapist is completely without a doubt true....I guess the only way it wouldnt be true is if one of them actually doesnt consider the rapist a friend.....then they could get me. Maybe I will identify them as acquaintances of a rapist instead.
I gave "my friend" ( i cant remember if I gave his first name yet as my friend.....i know I gave his first name, but im not sure if I identified him as "my friend or not, and I refuse to read this blog so ....)
anyway, I gave "my friend", now Identified as Kevin if it was not identified before, a last chance to help me....I text him last night that "I Can't believe you wont help me after I told the DA not to charge you. Thanks for being such a good guy."
I cant believe I had such a terrible judge in character on this one. Usually Im pretty good. Anyway, Kevin Lange, acquaintance of a rapist....I hope you are proud of yourself
Still at work....curious as to what went on in the Saints game that they lost to the Ravens.
Anyway. As im working in my sweats of course in an empty office a thought just occurred to me.
In announcing the first and last names of these friends of my rapist....really , I shouldnt feel bad. According to my belief system, Morality isn't an issue. I cant be held morally responsible for releasing these names, and legally, its not libel or slander as labeling them as friends of a rapist is completely without a doubt true....I guess the only way it wouldnt be true is if one of them actually doesnt consider the rapist a friend.....then they could get me. Maybe I will identify them as acquaintances of a rapist instead.
I gave "my friend" ( i cant remember if I gave his first name yet as my friend.....i know I gave his first name, but im not sure if I identified him as "my friend or not, and I refuse to read this blog so ....)
anyway, I gave "my friend", now Identified as Kevin if it was not identified before, a last chance to help me....I text him last night that "I Can't believe you wont help me after I told the DA not to charge you. Thanks for being such a good guy."
I cant believe I had such a terrible judge in character on this one. Usually Im pretty good. Anyway, Kevin Lange, acquaintance of a rapist....I hope you are proud of yourself
My Reasoning
12/19/10 -Sunday 12:57 PM
Im back at work again, figured I would take a few minutes and explain what I meant when I previously posted about my "belief" system.
As I said, I was raised Catholic but was never really "drawn" to it, most would say just never a true believer in God...and I accept that, and I also dont think anything differently of those that do believe in a God.
I was in college when I found my way to deal with situations in everyday life....I was in a Philosophy class.
A few definitions of concepts to start-
1- Determinism- Every event, including human decision and action is the consequence of events that had occurred well beforehand.
2- Pre-determinism- Goes further stating that everything in the Universe to day, was implicit in the earliest moments of the Universe itself. There is are "inevitable causal chains" that have lead to everything present day.
3- Fatalism- A form of Determinism where every event in the future is Fated to happen, this normally does not require laws of causality or a "Higher Power."
4- Free Will- Clearly is the freedom we have to choose
Most Philosophers associated a God into these philosophies. I chose to take them and adapt them to a philosophy that would help me get through life and make things easier.
Basically, where I stand is a form of Hard Determinism with the inclusion of Fatalism
The easiest way to explain this: As bold as this may seem for these times, I chose to believe we as humans do not actually have any sort of Free Will-
I believe in Hard Determinism where, when it comes down to it, We are not free, we do not have free will and therefore we are not morally responsible.....Legally on the other hand is a whole other issue.
I decided to believe that everything in my life has already been decided. Every so called "choice" I make, was never really a choice, I was always going to make that so called "decision." So in the simplest of explanations, even when you do a last minute change of your outfit before you leave to go somewhere, it was already determined beforehand that you were going to wear that specific outfit, that specific time, no matter what you did or did not do in the surrounding moments.
I choose to believe basically "it is what it is" not because God set it in motion, but just because it was supposed to be that way, which lead me into Fatalism. I also choose to disregard any and all contradictory arguments to these ideas.
Some of you are most likely having the "everything happens for a reason" or "karma" ideas popping into your heads. Well your are right. That boils my system of believes right down to the core.
I have no control over what happens to me and therefore I shouldn't worry so much. If i made a bad "choice" and something bad happened, maybe like Rape or something- It really wasnt my fault because it was always meant to be.
Its a pretty strange way to look at things, but it gets me through. It got me through my fathers death, it has gotten me through some serious illness, It will get me through my rape.
It is a little bit harder now to have such a relaxed, calm acceptance that things are out of my control. I have to constantly now remind myself of that, whereas before.....it was just how I was, I didnt have to talk myself into believing it.
Honestly, if I had believed in God, I think mentally I would be far worse than I am right now after being raped. I would have been questioning my entire belief system and asking why God could let such a thing happen. Instead, I fall back on the belief even if I had done things differently, I still would have been raped as it was always to be.
Anyway, maybe that explains a few things to some of you that may have a few questions as to why I handle things the way I do.
Hope everyones weekend is going well........Hoping the Saints beat Baltimore so I can rub it in my friends faces that are at the game.
Im back at work again, figured I would take a few minutes and explain what I meant when I previously posted about my "belief" system.
As I said, I was raised Catholic but was never really "drawn" to it, most would say just never a true believer in God...and I accept that, and I also dont think anything differently of those that do believe in a God.
I was in college when I found my way to deal with situations in everyday life....I was in a Philosophy class.
A few definitions of concepts to start-
1- Determinism- Every event, including human decision and action is the consequence of events that had occurred well beforehand.
2- Pre-determinism- Goes further stating that everything in the Universe to day, was implicit in the earliest moments of the Universe itself. There is are "inevitable causal chains" that have lead to everything present day.
3- Fatalism- A form of Determinism where every event in the future is Fated to happen, this normally does not require laws of causality or a "Higher Power."
4- Free Will- Clearly is the freedom we have to choose
Most Philosophers associated a God into these philosophies. I chose to take them and adapt them to a philosophy that would help me get through life and make things easier.
Basically, where I stand is a form of Hard Determinism with the inclusion of Fatalism
The easiest way to explain this: As bold as this may seem for these times, I chose to believe we as humans do not actually have any sort of Free Will-
I believe in Hard Determinism where, when it comes down to it, We are not free, we do not have free will and therefore we are not morally responsible.....Legally on the other hand is a whole other issue.
I decided to believe that everything in my life has already been decided. Every so called "choice" I make, was never really a choice, I was always going to make that so called "decision." So in the simplest of explanations, even when you do a last minute change of your outfit before you leave to go somewhere, it was already determined beforehand that you were going to wear that specific outfit, that specific time, no matter what you did or did not do in the surrounding moments.
I choose to believe basically "it is what it is" not because God set it in motion, but just because it was supposed to be that way, which lead me into Fatalism. I also choose to disregard any and all contradictory arguments to these ideas.
Some of you are most likely having the "everything happens for a reason" or "karma" ideas popping into your heads. Well your are right. That boils my system of believes right down to the core.
I have no control over what happens to me and therefore I shouldn't worry so much. If i made a bad "choice" and something bad happened, maybe like Rape or something- It really wasnt my fault because it was always meant to be.
Its a pretty strange way to look at things, but it gets me through. It got me through my fathers death, it has gotten me through some serious illness, It will get me through my rape.
It is a little bit harder now to have such a relaxed, calm acceptance that things are out of my control. I have to constantly now remind myself of that, whereas before.....it was just how I was, I didnt have to talk myself into believing it.
Honestly, if I had believed in God, I think mentally I would be far worse than I am right now after being raped. I would have been questioning my entire belief system and asking why God could let such a thing happen. Instead, I fall back on the belief even if I had done things differently, I still would have been raped as it was always to be.
Anyway, maybe that explains a few things to some of you that may have a few questions as to why I handle things the way I do.
Hope everyones weekend is going well........Hoping the Saints beat Baltimore so I can rub it in my friends faces that are at the game.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
One of those days
Saturday 12/18/10 8:01 PM
Ever have one of those days where you could just keep working?? Im still at work getting so much done. Im basically taking over an office, so I am trying to get everything caught up and organized so by the 1st I wont be panicking.
For some reason Ive gotten a strange sense of confidence since I spoke with my boss a few days ago.
I used to deal with people nicely. I would ask them to do something, and if they didnt I would politely ask again. If I didnt agree with something or someone didnt do what I asked I would just quietly bitch to myself or my best friend and move on with my day....and eventually just do it myself because at least I knew it would be right.
The past few days I have been taking a no bull shit stance on just about everything, and let me tell you, things are getting done. Sometimes doing things the nice way just doesnt get things done. Time to take control and show what I can do....and so far its been highly effective.
Hoping the feeling will last
Hope everyone's weekend is going well :)
Ever have one of those days where you could just keep working?? Im still at work getting so much done. Im basically taking over an office, so I am trying to get everything caught up and organized so by the 1st I wont be panicking.
For some reason Ive gotten a strange sense of confidence since I spoke with my boss a few days ago.
I used to deal with people nicely. I would ask them to do something, and if they didnt I would politely ask again. If I didnt agree with something or someone didnt do what I asked I would just quietly bitch to myself or my best friend and move on with my day....and eventually just do it myself because at least I knew it would be right.
The past few days I have been taking a no bull shit stance on just about everything, and let me tell you, things are getting done. Sometimes doing things the nice way just doesnt get things done. Time to take control and show what I can do....and so far its been highly effective.
Hoping the feeling will last
Hope everyone's weekend is going well :)
12/18/10 - Saturday - 1:16 PM
A woman found me on twitter and sent me encouragement on doing what she wished she could have done.
We have been messaging a little back and forth ( i had to tweet from my computer so it was a little difficult seeing how I wont tweet from my work computer).
Anyway, she just said something to me today, and it wasnt something I needed anyone to tell me, but for some reason I am just really emotional about it right now.
She told me rape changes who you are.....I already knew this, but hearing it from someone else just hits me pretty hard for some reason. I guess its because I havent been able to find much about rape victims experiences...anywhere, and I dont blame them for not putting the information out there......but at the same time, its hard to cope when you think you are going crazy and cannot find any information telling you that what your feeling is natural....sure a counselor can tell you that, but what are the chances your counselor is a rape victim.
This woman gave me so much comfort in just telling me something I already knew....something I knew....but no one else would confirm.
I am so scared that I am this completely different person now, and I couldnt understand why I have changed so much. This woman gave me confirmation. She was raped, and it changed the person she was. Im not alone. Im not a freak because Im not who I used to be. I cant stop crying but its a good cry. I can breathe a little bit better now.
I cant explain why this got to me so much, but I am so grateful. Thank you.
A woman found me on twitter and sent me encouragement on doing what she wished she could have done.
We have been messaging a little back and forth ( i had to tweet from my computer so it was a little difficult seeing how I wont tweet from my work computer).
Anyway, she just said something to me today, and it wasnt something I needed anyone to tell me, but for some reason I am just really emotional about it right now.
She told me rape changes who you are.....I already knew this, but hearing it from someone else just hits me pretty hard for some reason. I guess its because I havent been able to find much about rape victims experiences...anywhere, and I dont blame them for not putting the information out there......but at the same time, its hard to cope when you think you are going crazy and cannot find any information telling you that what your feeling is natural....sure a counselor can tell you that, but what are the chances your counselor is a rape victim.
This woman gave me so much comfort in just telling me something I already knew....something I knew....but no one else would confirm.
I am so scared that I am this completely different person now, and I couldnt understand why I have changed so much. This woman gave me confirmation. She was raped, and it changed the person she was. Im not alone. Im not a freak because Im not who I used to be. I cant stop crying but its a good cry. I can breathe a little bit better now.
I cant explain why this got to me so much, but I am so grateful. Thank you.
Good Morning and Happy Saturday
12/18/10- Saturday 11:04 AM
Ive been awake for 2 hours and already I have had the strangest day.
I ran to the market to pick 1 item up I needed for cooking...1 item. Well there was only one line open and the woman in front of me had about 35 things......most people would say, go in front of me, you only have one thing. ....not this woman....but thats ok, no big deal.
Then this man gets in line behind me with 5 packages of meat. He clearly sees I have 1 thing as he was looking at my chest and the item was being held by my stomach. Anyway, another line opens up and they call for the next customer to come over. I go to head over there, he turns and like sprints over to this person. I couldnt believe it....there is etiquette in the market just like there is at hockey games or when a traffic light goes out and it becomes a 4 way stop.....anyway, my eyes just opened sooo wide. So I went behind him, looked at him and said "asshole". Not because I was mad...sure it was a little frustrating, I said it because he needed to be made aware that was an asshole move. The look on his face was priceless and he had no words. When he left the cashier and I had quite a humerous discussion.
Then maybe 20 minutes later Im on my way into work and I get pulled over.....yup. Karma right? Well not really. He saw me texting while driving. So he gets to the car and asks the usual, "do you know why I pulled you over"....now I know your not supposed to admit to anything but whatever, I was texting and I knew it. So I flat out told him and he laughed a bit and told me at least I was honest. Then he started laughing again and I couldnt figure out why.....I have a lot of random stuff in my car, so I thought maybe he saw something embarrassing. He asks me if I realized how cold it was outside....and that threw me off. So I respond yes, He proceeds to ask me why I am out in the cold with wet hair and in flip flops. So we joke about that and my pink sweat pants and he sends me on my way with a warning...... let that be a lesson, pink sweatpants are like gold. :)
Anyway, full day of work today. Im taking over the office and implementing all sorts of new things. Im here, alone, no make up, sweatpants and sandals with the music blasting, ready to get everything back in order and on track :)
Hope everyone has a great day!
11:55 AM- Oh yeah, so in case you didnt pick up on it from my reason for being pulled over...I finally got my phone back to functional with all contacts :) And, I know Kevin is reading this, and he didnt reply to my request, so when I have time later,. I will be fully disclosing all
Have a wonderful day!
Ive been awake for 2 hours and already I have had the strangest day.
I ran to the market to pick 1 item up I needed for cooking...1 item. Well there was only one line open and the woman in front of me had about 35 things......most people would say, go in front of me, you only have one thing. ....not this woman....but thats ok, no big deal.
Then this man gets in line behind me with 5 packages of meat. He clearly sees I have 1 thing as he was looking at my chest and the item was being held by my stomach. Anyway, another line opens up and they call for the next customer to come over. I go to head over there, he turns and like sprints over to this person. I couldnt believe it....there is etiquette in the market just like there is at hockey games or when a traffic light goes out and it becomes a 4 way stop.....anyway, my eyes just opened sooo wide. So I went behind him, looked at him and said "asshole". Not because I was mad...sure it was a little frustrating, I said it because he needed to be made aware that was an asshole move. The look on his face was priceless and he had no words. When he left the cashier and I had quite a humerous discussion.
Then maybe 20 minutes later Im on my way into work and I get pulled over.....yup. Karma right? Well not really. He saw me texting while driving. So he gets to the car and asks the usual, "do you know why I pulled you over"....now I know your not supposed to admit to anything but whatever, I was texting and I knew it. So I flat out told him and he laughed a bit and told me at least I was honest. Then he started laughing again and I couldnt figure out why.....I have a lot of random stuff in my car, so I thought maybe he saw something embarrassing. He asks me if I realized how cold it was outside....and that threw me off. So I respond yes, He proceeds to ask me why I am out in the cold with wet hair and in flip flops. So we joke about that and my pink sweat pants and he sends me on my way with a warning...... let that be a lesson, pink sweatpants are like gold. :)
Anyway, full day of work today. Im taking over the office and implementing all sorts of new things. Im here, alone, no make up, sweatpants and sandals with the music blasting, ready to get everything back in order and on track :)
Hope everyone has a great day!
11:55 AM- Oh yeah, so in case you didnt pick up on it from my reason for being pulled over...I finally got my phone back to functional with all contacts :) And, I know Kevin is reading this, and he didnt reply to my request, so when I have time later,. I will be fully disclosing all
Have a wonderful day!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Average Day
12/17/10 Friday 4:48 PM
Average day today, so I guess I cant complain. Still have no phone, cant really complain about that either, life has been pretty peaceful.
Scottsdale Arizona has shown back up in my blog today, using an IPOD touch non the less......welcome back friend of my rapist
I was actually pleasantly surprised today. Usually when someone goes on vacation our work gets handed off to other people to do...and of course, normally, you come back to an absolute mess. I would prefer my work sit there and to come in and work on it over the weekend so I know its right. Something actually went my way for the first time in a while....the person covering for me didnt have much spare time and barely got anything done.....Good and bad news....not too much will be messed up, but tons for me to get done before year end comes around. I dont mind though. After speaking with my boss yesterday,I was able to get a few perks added to my job - and I know that come year end , I will have everything done. No panicking, just relaxed and back to confident.
This is actually the first calm day I have had in a while....which is more than welcome.
Back to work, which I am starting to enjoy again :) Hope everyone is having a great friday.
Oh and dont worry, Im not looking in to anyones IP address, accept those involved in this case, so please dont be discouraged from reading this. And again, thanks to all those expressing their support.....and Im still open to criticism so those that feel they want to voice negativity, as I have said before ,Please feel free to do so.
Average day today, so I guess I cant complain. Still have no phone, cant really complain about that either, life has been pretty peaceful.
Scottsdale Arizona has shown back up in my blog today, using an IPOD touch non the less......welcome back friend of my rapist
I was actually pleasantly surprised today. Usually when someone goes on vacation our work gets handed off to other people to do...and of course, normally, you come back to an absolute mess. I would prefer my work sit there and to come in and work on it over the weekend so I know its right. Something actually went my way for the first time in a while....the person covering for me didnt have much spare time and barely got anything done.....Good and bad news....not too much will be messed up, but tons for me to get done before year end comes around. I dont mind though. After speaking with my boss yesterday,I was able to get a few perks added to my job - and I know that come year end , I will have everything done. No panicking, just relaxed and back to confident.
This is actually the first calm day I have had in a while....which is more than welcome.
Back to work, which I am starting to enjoy again :) Hope everyone is having a great friday.
Oh and dont worry, Im not looking in to anyones IP address, accept those involved in this case, so please dont be discouraged from reading this. And again, thanks to all those expressing their support.....and Im still open to criticism so those that feel they want to voice negativity, as I have said before ,Please feel free to do so.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
12/16/10 8:14 PM
I cleared my IP tracker.....and guess what, Tucson showed right back up ....7:34 PM to be exact.
Im guessing Tucson is where my rapist lives....thats the IP that shows u every day, most days multiple times.
I had a heart to heart of sorts with my boss. We spoke for over an hour of things my boss could do to make me stay at my job. I told her everything, well everything to do with my recent disappointment in my job....not that the recent decline in my social skills in the work place, or that my recent frustrations at work are due to emotional trauma. She is worried about me, and I know I can trust her....I just cant bring myself to tell her I was raped and emotionally shattered. Rape shouldnt be a reason for me to fail at my job.
In our discussion she told me things that others had told her when they felt like they were walking into a brick wall over and over in their workplace. There are options, choices on how you handle situations. Sometimes you back down to placate others , sometimes you fight back as long as you have proof, ...things of that sort..
One thing she told me really stood out in my mind. And while it is entirely pessimistic, its a great point.
You cannot hold others to the personal standards you hold yourself to. If you do, you are setting yourself up for more disappointments than successes.
This I can relate to. I expect great things from people. I expect myself to put every effort into everything I do. I expect to succeed, and when it doesnt come easy ...i expect to find a way to make myself succeed. I expect that I perform my job to the best of my ability and not slack of just because others are doing less. I expect myself to be the kind of friend that does anything, without thinking twice to help when a friend is in need. I expect that I will treat others with the utmost respect ....respect I would show my mother for example.
When I see others not trying, not helping, not caring, etc I am disappointed.
If I took a step back and just took the stance that not everyone has the same "standards" I do, it makes things a bit less hard to deal with. I should take a step back and realize that the NOPD and the DAs office just dont have the same standards in the workplace as I do. Sometimes, people just dont care.
If I step back and look things from this perspective maybe things will be easier.
Before I was raped, i never had to wonder how i was going to react to a situation. I had my set of beliefs and standards. I was on auto pilot.....in a good way, I never had to stop and think how I was going to handle a situation....I firmly stood by a philosophy I came across in college.
I was raised Catholic, but I am not a religious person. I was never "lost" searching for the meaning of life, but one day, in my philosophy class , during a discussion with a professor I "found" my belief system. I found what I turn to when others turn to a religion or their god.
When I have more time to explain I will....Maybe if my readers can get to know who I was and what I stood for, they can maybe grasp the severity of my mental disintegration. Who I am now is definitely not who I was before and what I find sad is that now I have to put forth effort into things that came so easily to me. I have to talk myself into being a better person.
Im guessing Tucson is where my rapist lives....thats the IP that shows u every day, most days multiple times.
I had a heart to heart of sorts with my boss. We spoke for over an hour of things my boss could do to make me stay at my job. I told her everything, well everything to do with my recent disappointment in my job....not that the recent decline in my social skills in the work place, or that my recent frustrations at work are due to emotional trauma. She is worried about me, and I know I can trust her....I just cant bring myself to tell her I was raped and emotionally shattered. Rape shouldnt be a reason for me to fail at my job.
In our discussion she told me things that others had told her when they felt like they were walking into a brick wall over and over in their workplace. There are options, choices on how you handle situations. Sometimes you back down to placate others , sometimes you fight back as long as you have proof, ...things of that sort..
One thing she told me really stood out in my mind. And while it is entirely pessimistic, its a great point.
You cannot hold others to the personal standards you hold yourself to. If you do, you are setting yourself up for more disappointments than successes.
This I can relate to. I expect great things from people. I expect myself to put every effort into everything I do. I expect to succeed, and when it doesnt come easy ...i expect to find a way to make myself succeed. I expect that I perform my job to the best of my ability and not slack of just because others are doing less. I expect myself to be the kind of friend that does anything, without thinking twice to help when a friend is in need. I expect that I will treat others with the utmost respect ....respect I would show my mother for example.
When I see others not trying, not helping, not caring, etc I am disappointed.
If I took a step back and just took the stance that not everyone has the same "standards" I do, it makes things a bit less hard to deal with. I should take a step back and realize that the NOPD and the DAs office just dont have the same standards in the workplace as I do. Sometimes, people just dont care.
If I step back and look things from this perspective maybe things will be easier.
Before I was raped, i never had to wonder how i was going to react to a situation. I had my set of beliefs and standards. I was on auto pilot.....in a good way, I never had to stop and think how I was going to handle a situation....I firmly stood by a philosophy I came across in college.
I was raised Catholic, but I am not a religious person. I was never "lost" searching for the meaning of life, but one day, in my philosophy class , during a discussion with a professor I "found" my belief system. I found what I turn to when others turn to a religion or their god.
When I have more time to explain I will....Maybe if my readers can get to know who I was and what I stood for, they can maybe grasp the severity of my mental disintegration. Who I am now is definitely not who I was before and what I find sad is that now I have to put forth effort into things that came so easily to me. I have to talk myself into being a better person.
Is it rude?
12/16/10-
WTF is with people standing in the door way, holding a conversation that has absolutley nothing to do with you>? Is it rude to ask them to move and then shut the door??
Welcome to my day
3:51 - So my day just got so much better. I cant stop laughing. I finally have silence in my office, no one standing in my door holding pointless conversations. It is actually very peaceful......half of the office has gone home with diarrhea......LOL I cant make something like that up. ...nothing says welcome home from vacation like an office full of people shitting their pants.
WTF is with people standing in the door way, holding a conversation that has absolutley nothing to do with you>? Is it rude to ask them to move and then shut the door??
Welcome to my day
3:51 - So my day just got so much better. I cant stop laughing. I finally have silence in my office, no one standing in my door holding pointless conversations. It is actually very peaceful......half of the office has gone home with diarrhea......LOL I cant make something like that up. ...nothing says welcome home from vacation like an office full of people shitting their pants.
Dear Rapist, NOPD and the DA's office
Thursday 12/16/10- 10:42 AM
Merry Christmas to my rapist, Im about 100% sure you will be charged with nothing as the NOPD and DAs office dont seem to be exactly thrilled that I have decided to turn my focus to them. I am giving you the Christmas Present of your life
NOPD and the DA's office should be proud of themselves for letting you get away with rape, and continue to rape again. Although I am sure you will be a little more careful as to who you target next.
I had emailed the DA requesting the entire police report including every acting NOPD member that had any hand in my case. I also made my intentions clear that I will be filing a complaint against Detective Caloun or however it is spelled. I got a very quick response over a day after my original email......
This response was straight and to the point :
"It is quite vast as NOPD exhausted countless efforts on your behalf. I assure you we want your questions settled, that is why we aksed you to ask questions of us during the interview. This case was handled and continues to be handled professionally and thoroughly. " ........Oh and by the way, I should be recieving a longer more detailed email tomorrow regarding all of this as the DA is not in the office and doesnt want to take the time......hmmmmm, now theres a theme......NOPD and the DAs office not wanting to take the time
Again.....my question to this response is why now????? Why is the NOPD all of a sudden "exhausting countless efforts on my behalf "? Its clear in the fact that the dept has been accused of under reporting rape and the fact that 93 cases had to be re-opened due to improper handling/reporting by the NOPD.
So, what I get from this is my case gets attention because I went to the media and they are trying to cover their ass. Fine and good, work on my case diligently..........but if you are "exhausting countless efforts" where the fuck are my answers.
Yes Ms Glass, you did ask me if I had any questions during the interview.......Did you really think that after an hour of balling my eyes out, finding fault in what Det. Calhoun reported as my statement and you not being able to answer the simple question as to WHY THIS INDIVIDUAL WAS IN MY BED , I was really going to ask anything else? Really..
After I gave you a log of every single point in my blog showing who is looking at what and when and you just gave it back to me as if it was irrelevant..... im sorry, but if these individuals are watching this blog so closely, its because they know they did something wrong and this is their way of finding out answer as to if they will be charged or not........
Thats right Rapist and Friends......I have had a tracker set up on this blog, I know you check it every day, I even know your IP Addresses. Tucson, you view the most.....Scottsdale....you are the runner up. I know you check every morning and every evening.
FOR EXAMPLE : Tucson- you read this blog just today at 7:58 AM according to my timestamps, Yesterday you read at 9:13 PM and the day before it was 9:29 PM
FOR EXAMPLE: Scottsdale - your last visit was 12/13/10 at 12:10 PM
why do you find it necessary to check up on me so much if you did nothing wrong....and PS I have the exact IP addresses that have shown up multiple times since I began tracking.
I also have the proof that the idiot that posted about jizzing all over me or whatever wasnt you....so at least you have some sort of smarts................
That little Gem that was posted on 11/29/10 at 7:48 PM came from IP address 65.50.100.65 out of good old Slidell Louisiana.
In dealing with both the NOPD and the DA's office I have not gotten a single solid answer. You are all taught to skirt around this issue and avoid answer giving. Well im sick of not getting answers.
DEAR rapist you will get away with this. Ive come to terms with that. No one feels it necessary to put forth any effort in proving a rape case that wasn't a stranger violently raping a women. I feel sorry for your current girlfriend (if you have one) and for the next sleeping woman you climb into bed with next..
Merry Christmas to my rapist, Im about 100% sure you will be charged with nothing as the NOPD and DAs office dont seem to be exactly thrilled that I have decided to turn my focus to them. I am giving you the Christmas Present of your life
NOPD and the DA's office should be proud of themselves for letting you get away with rape, and continue to rape again. Although I am sure you will be a little more careful as to who you target next.
I had emailed the DA requesting the entire police report including every acting NOPD member that had any hand in my case. I also made my intentions clear that I will be filing a complaint against Detective Caloun or however it is spelled. I got a very quick response over a day after my original email......
This response was straight and to the point :
"It is quite vast as NOPD exhausted countless efforts on your behalf. I assure you we want your questions settled, that is why we aksed you to ask questions of us during the interview. This case was handled and continues to be handled professionally and thoroughly. " ........Oh and by the way, I should be recieving a longer more detailed email tomorrow regarding all of this as the DA is not in the office and doesnt want to take the time......hmmmmm, now theres a theme......NOPD and the DAs office not wanting to take the time
Again.....my question to this response is why now????? Why is the NOPD all of a sudden "exhausting countless efforts on my behalf "? Its clear in the fact that the dept has been accused of under reporting rape and the fact that 93 cases had to be re-opened due to improper handling/reporting by the NOPD.
So, what I get from this is my case gets attention because I went to the media and they are trying to cover their ass. Fine and good, work on my case diligently..........but if you are "exhausting countless efforts" where the fuck are my answers.
Yes Ms Glass, you did ask me if I had any questions during the interview.......Did you really think that after an hour of balling my eyes out, finding fault in what Det. Calhoun reported as my statement and you not being able to answer the simple question as to WHY THIS INDIVIDUAL WAS IN MY BED , I was really going to ask anything else? Really..
After I gave you a log of every single point in my blog showing who is looking at what and when and you just gave it back to me as if it was irrelevant..... im sorry, but if these individuals are watching this blog so closely, its because they know they did something wrong and this is their way of finding out answer as to if they will be charged or not........
Thats right Rapist and Friends......I have had a tracker set up on this blog, I know you check it every day, I even know your IP Addresses. Tucson, you view the most.....Scottsdale....you are the runner up. I know you check every morning and every evening.
FOR EXAMPLE : Tucson- you read this blog just today at 7:58 AM according to my timestamps, Yesterday you read at 9:13 PM and the day before it was 9:29 PM
FOR EXAMPLE: Scottsdale - your last visit was 12/13/10 at 12:10 PM
why do you find it necessary to check up on me so much if you did nothing wrong....and PS I have the exact IP addresses that have shown up multiple times since I began tracking.
I also have the proof that the idiot that posted about jizzing all over me or whatever wasnt you....so at least you have some sort of smarts................
That little Gem that was posted on 11/29/10 at 7:48 PM came from IP address 65.50.100.65 out of good old Slidell Louisiana.
In dealing with both the NOPD and the DA's office I have not gotten a single solid answer. You are all taught to skirt around this issue and avoid answer giving. Well im sick of not getting answers.
DEAR rapist you will get away with this. Ive come to terms with that. No one feels it necessary to put forth any effort in proving a rape case that wasn't a stranger violently raping a women. I feel sorry for your current girlfriend (if you have one) and for the next sleeping woman you climb into bed with next..
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
One Simple Question
Wed 12/15/10 6:46 PM
While I was balling my eyes out in front of these 3 women at headquarters while they made me re-hash everything again and again.....they finally asked me if I had any questions.
My first thought was, seriously? Are you asking me if I have questions. My next thought was, thank god maybe I can get some answers.
My choice of first question was easy. I already knew they would avoid telling me my rapists name. And the next thought that popped into my head was, well....I do have another question....a really simple question.
A question that everyone that reads this has probably had within the first minute of reading this blog....are you ready for my incredibly (and apparently more difficult than I had thought) question??
My question, that I have been dying to know, and was so sure that the answer would have come up in investigation....at least at some point was:
WHY WAS THIS PERSON IN MY BED????
Now, I am not stupid, I am aware that I was not in my residence. But the Night before this fool came to town, I had layed in my friends bed. In case that isnt clear (because the DA doesnt see the clarity) here is the scoop- Late Thursday night/ Early Friday morning after hanging out at my friends house for hours I got tired and my friend and I layed down.....and of course, boys being boys his friends were joking around about him and I having sex, so we started to egg them on. We kissed and cuddled that night, but absolutely nothing else happened and all clothing remained on and in place. The point of this clarification was that, we were laying IN MY FRIENDS BED THE NIGHT BEFORE I WAS RAPED.
So, this now being clear I hope, my what I thought to be simple question was- What was this individual doing in that specific bed?????
would you like to hear the answer from the DA- "I am not sure if that question was asked"
Just sit on that one for a moment. Now I am not the smartest woman in the world, but WTF? To me that is one of the most obvious and necessary questions in a case like this.
To make matters worse.......my rapist's bed was in the room next door! explain to me why he was in my friends bed?? If my friend were in it, would he have raped him too????? I would seriously question your friendship with this man friend.....your ass might get a little sore if you turn your back.
So to summarize, Not only was my rapist in the wrong bed, in the wrong room, ....his underwear was also found in that same bed. WHY DID NO ONE THINK TO ASK WHY????
Would you like me to put your case together for you?? It seems to me, I am the only one putting any effort what so ever into this.
And thats the other thing......I almost pissed my pants in laughter yet vomited at the same time when these women with the DA's office sat that and commended the NOPD for there efforts in this case, telling me they really pushed to get everything taken care of quickly..............
SERIOUSLY????? would this case have moved so quickly if I hadnt walked through the streets of New Orleans announcing I was raped and that NOPD wasnt doing anything about it? Commend the NOPD my ass. Lets put together a little study......This study consists of 2 people in a similar situation.......
Situation one- a woman is raped, treated horrendously, goes to the media and gets her rape kit rushed so the results take less time to come back.
Situation two- a woman is raped on the same morning, is strong enough to report it and goes to the hospital for a rape kit to be performed.....she did not go public
Who wants to take a guess as to where Situation two's rape kit is. Did this person get everything expedited like I did, or was mine rushed because I spoke out against major injustice.
Dont tell me the NOPD should be commended. This situation should have been dealt with years ago.
Another thing the DA was so thoughtful to ask- What am I looking to get out of this case?
What kind of question is this. I got a rape kit, filed a report........to most people this would mean I would like this individual to be charged with rape........which I do, but when the DA presents your case to you, and then you present even more evidence that needs to be looked into and they turn it down, hopes of a full rape charge become nil.
Anyway....I told the DA I would be happy on getting him on whatever charge I could get him on........Truth- I dont want to wait 10 years to get things to trial. 10 years of waiting and trying to kill myself just doesnt seem to work for me.
I will be posting a summary when i am feeling better- this summary will include everything a rape victim can expect to go through.......I figure a summary is way better than 100+ pages that have mostly turned into ramblings of anger.
While I was balling my eyes out in front of these 3 women at headquarters while they made me re-hash everything again and again.....they finally asked me if I had any questions.
My first thought was, seriously? Are you asking me if I have questions. My next thought was, thank god maybe I can get some answers.
My choice of first question was easy. I already knew they would avoid telling me my rapists name. And the next thought that popped into my head was, well....I do have another question....a really simple question.
A question that everyone that reads this has probably had within the first minute of reading this blog....are you ready for my incredibly (and apparently more difficult than I had thought) question??
My question, that I have been dying to know, and was so sure that the answer would have come up in investigation....at least at some point was:
WHY WAS THIS PERSON IN MY BED????
Now, I am not stupid, I am aware that I was not in my residence. But the Night before this fool came to town, I had layed in my friends bed. In case that isnt clear (because the DA doesnt see the clarity) here is the scoop- Late Thursday night/ Early Friday morning after hanging out at my friends house for hours I got tired and my friend and I layed down.....and of course, boys being boys his friends were joking around about him and I having sex, so we started to egg them on. We kissed and cuddled that night, but absolutely nothing else happened and all clothing remained on and in place. The point of this clarification was that, we were laying IN MY FRIENDS BED THE NIGHT BEFORE I WAS RAPED.
So, this now being clear I hope, my what I thought to be simple question was- What was this individual doing in that specific bed?????
would you like to hear the answer from the DA- "I am not sure if that question was asked"
Just sit on that one for a moment. Now I am not the smartest woman in the world, but WTF? To me that is one of the most obvious and necessary questions in a case like this.
To make matters worse.......my rapist's bed was in the room next door! explain to me why he was in my friends bed?? If my friend were in it, would he have raped him too????? I would seriously question your friendship with this man friend.....your ass might get a little sore if you turn your back.
So to summarize, Not only was my rapist in the wrong bed, in the wrong room, ....his underwear was also found in that same bed. WHY DID NO ONE THINK TO ASK WHY????
Would you like me to put your case together for you?? It seems to me, I am the only one putting any effort what so ever into this.
And thats the other thing......I almost pissed my pants in laughter yet vomited at the same time when these women with the DA's office sat that and commended the NOPD for there efforts in this case, telling me they really pushed to get everything taken care of quickly..............
SERIOUSLY????? would this case have moved so quickly if I hadnt walked through the streets of New Orleans announcing I was raped and that NOPD wasnt doing anything about it? Commend the NOPD my ass. Lets put together a little study......This study consists of 2 people in a similar situation.......
Situation one- a woman is raped, treated horrendously, goes to the media and gets her rape kit rushed so the results take less time to come back.
Situation two- a woman is raped on the same morning, is strong enough to report it and goes to the hospital for a rape kit to be performed.....she did not go public
Who wants to take a guess as to where Situation two's rape kit is. Did this person get everything expedited like I did, or was mine rushed because I spoke out against major injustice.
Dont tell me the NOPD should be commended. This situation should have been dealt with years ago.
Another thing the DA was so thoughtful to ask- What am I looking to get out of this case?
What kind of question is this. I got a rape kit, filed a report........to most people this would mean I would like this individual to be charged with rape........which I do, but when the DA presents your case to you, and then you present even more evidence that needs to be looked into and they turn it down, hopes of a full rape charge become nil.
Anyway....I told the DA I would be happy on getting him on whatever charge I could get him on........Truth- I dont want to wait 10 years to get things to trial. 10 years of waiting and trying to kill myself just doesnt seem to work for me.
I will be posting a summary when i am feeling better- this summary will include everything a rape victim can expect to go through.......I figure a summary is way better than 100+ pages that have mostly turned into ramblings of anger.
Detective 1
12/15/10 Wednesday- 2:14 PM -First responding detective........and im sorry but the term "first responding" to this man means, I am going to show up whenever i feel like it because you reported your crime around 6 AM and its Saturday and Im sleeping. Thats correct, Detective Caloun (Calhoun, Calon, or something of the sort)
I have no idea how to spell your last name. You did not give me a business card, No one at the department felt the need to tell me how to properly spell your name. And i was so pissed off at you I couldnt even remember if you actually told me your name or not. I have tried running google searches on you. I must say, my suspicions on you have been confirmed. You suck at your job. I cannot find one article that mentions you have done anything of significance for your city.
Police officers please dont get me wrong in that above statement. I know that most of you are out on the streets risking your lives every day. I know you have families scared to death that you may not come home. To those officers that actually do their job I have the ut-most respect for both you and your family.
But to me, this Dective has no reason being in the position he is in. He clearly treats rape victims with hostility and he clearly has no intent to comfort any victim. If any of you in the NOPD are reading this, I am sure you hold the same opinion of this man that just shows up to his job for a pay check and refuses to do anything extra to help anyone else.
I did not get to this this Detectives statement in its entirety, but I can tell you from what I did see, It looked a lot longer than any conversation I had with this man. In fact, the responding officer could tell I was getting so angry and frustrated with this man, that he came over to me as I began walking away from this Detective in a rage, toward the house that my rapist still sat in. An interview was NEVER fully completed with this Detective Caloun. Never- Partially because I told anyone that would listen that I was not responsible for my actions if that dectective even dare show his face in a room I was in. I was truley ready to just go back to that house, break a window, get my ass back in that house and beat the shit out of that individual of whom I still have no name.
Clearly that Detective had no interest in helping me.....so much so, that I was willing to run back into the house of my rapist that had at least six other men in it just so I could throw a few more punches, ....or so I could make it back to the kitched and grab the kitchen knives that were sitting to the right of the kitchen entrance and stab the son of a bitch.
Thats right, had I not been so shocked when I was awakened by my rapist and was able to get away and into the bathroom, I would have made the slight left to the kitchen which was practically door to door with the bathroom, gotten the biggest knife I could find in the grouping that was there on the counter, and that "man" would have been lying in his own blood, terrified.......right now, id rather be in jail for murder than in this emotional hell i have been in .
Detective, please be aware that I am looking to file some sort of action against you
I have no idea how to spell your last name. You did not give me a business card, No one at the department felt the need to tell me how to properly spell your name. And i was so pissed off at you I couldnt even remember if you actually told me your name or not. I have tried running google searches on you. I must say, my suspicions on you have been confirmed. You suck at your job. I cannot find one article that mentions you have done anything of significance for your city.
Police officers please dont get me wrong in that above statement. I know that most of you are out on the streets risking your lives every day. I know you have families scared to death that you may not come home. To those officers that actually do their job I have the ut-most respect for both you and your family.
But to me, this Dective has no reason being in the position he is in. He clearly treats rape victims with hostility and he clearly has no intent to comfort any victim. If any of you in the NOPD are reading this, I am sure you hold the same opinion of this man that just shows up to his job for a pay check and refuses to do anything extra to help anyone else.
I did not get to this this Detectives statement in its entirety, but I can tell you from what I did see, It looked a lot longer than any conversation I had with this man. In fact, the responding officer could tell I was getting so angry and frustrated with this man, that he came over to me as I began walking away from this Detective in a rage, toward the house that my rapist still sat in. An interview was NEVER fully completed with this Detective Caloun. Never- Partially because I told anyone that would listen that I was not responsible for my actions if that dectective even dare show his face in a room I was in. I was truley ready to just go back to that house, break a window, get my ass back in that house and beat the shit out of that individual of whom I still have no name.
Clearly that Detective had no interest in helping me.....so much so, that I was willing to run back into the house of my rapist that had at least six other men in it just so I could throw a few more punches, ....or so I could make it back to the kitched and grab the kitchen knives that were sitting to the right of the kitchen entrance and stab the son of a bitch.
Thats right, had I not been so shocked when I was awakened by my rapist and was able to get away and into the bathroom, I would have made the slight left to the kitchen which was practically door to door with the bathroom, gotten the biggest knife I could find in the grouping that was there on the counter, and that "man" would have been lying in his own blood, terrified.......right now, id rather be in jail for murder than in this emotional hell i have been in .
Detective, please be aware that I am looking to file some sort of action against you
My Trip
Wed 12/15/10- 10:52 AM
I took today off of work. I am emotionally drained and beyond frustrated,.
My trip was great, until my phone went haywire and i couldnt call, text, tweet, blog or anything on Sunday.
I do have to say that I finally got to see the Saints win, but after the game I had an emotional breakdown.
My anxiety of meeting with the DA on Monday had finally gotten to me. I was in a panic, couldnt stop crying.....and couldnt call my best friend because the contacts in my phone were wiped out and I had no way to get her number. I called my mom and racked up a $75 phone bill to the hotel room. I hit rock bottom...wondering if the DA was going to tell me they were going to do nothing.
I was so scared and so panicked I tried to slit my wrist in the hotel bathroom.....The only problem with being on vacation and trying to kill yourself is that generally, there are no objects in the room that are sharp enough to complete the act. I tried anyway. The first think I found was my venus razor. It took a little bit of hacking but I managed to get 3 pretty good chunks of skin up before my friend found me. Unfortunately he stayed in my room the rest of the night, so by the time I thought to break one of the hotels glasses to finish the job,he wouldnt let me out of his sight.
9 AM came and a couple people from the DAs office showed up at my hotel to bring me to headquarters to "re-interview me" This is what I had been hoping for for so long now, turns out it was a complete was of my time and taxpayers money. I sat with three women for over an hour and cried almost the whole time as I had to think back and go over everything again. I had to listen to detectives statements that to me, practically sounded made up ...Im pretty sure that first detective made up 80% of what he turned in. I will be posting about this later as well as more of what went on in the meeting.
Just know, whatever boards there are available to go to file against the police department , I will be going paying them a visit.
Anyway, I walked back to the hotel from headquarters and didnt get out of bed for the rest of the day.....i didnt get out of bed until I had to check out and head to the airport.
Anyway, I am exhausted right now and going back to sleep. I will be posting more about this detective and my meeting with the DA when I am feeling a little bit better.
Hope all are well
I took today off of work. I am emotionally drained and beyond frustrated,.
My trip was great, until my phone went haywire and i couldnt call, text, tweet, blog or anything on Sunday.
I do have to say that I finally got to see the Saints win, but after the game I had an emotional breakdown.
My anxiety of meeting with the DA on Monday had finally gotten to me. I was in a panic, couldnt stop crying.....and couldnt call my best friend because the contacts in my phone were wiped out and I had no way to get her number. I called my mom and racked up a $75 phone bill to the hotel room. I hit rock bottom...wondering if the DA was going to tell me they were going to do nothing.
I was so scared and so panicked I tried to slit my wrist in the hotel bathroom.....The only problem with being on vacation and trying to kill yourself is that generally, there are no objects in the room that are sharp enough to complete the act. I tried anyway. The first think I found was my venus razor. It took a little bit of hacking but I managed to get 3 pretty good chunks of skin up before my friend found me. Unfortunately he stayed in my room the rest of the night, so by the time I thought to break one of the hotels glasses to finish the job,he wouldnt let me out of his sight.
9 AM came and a couple people from the DAs office showed up at my hotel to bring me to headquarters to "re-interview me" This is what I had been hoping for for so long now, turns out it was a complete was of my time and taxpayers money. I sat with three women for over an hour and cried almost the whole time as I had to think back and go over everything again. I had to listen to detectives statements that to me, practically sounded made up ...Im pretty sure that first detective made up 80% of what he turned in. I will be posting about this later as well as more of what went on in the meeting.
Just know, whatever boards there are available to go to file against the police department , I will be going paying them a visit.
Anyway, I walked back to the hotel from headquarters and didnt get out of bed for the rest of the day.....i didnt get out of bed until I had to check out and head to the airport.
Anyway, I am exhausted right now and going back to sleep. I will be posting more about this detective and my meeting with the DA when I am feeling a little bit better.
Hope all are well
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
No more Protecting People
12/14/10 Tuesday 10:29
Im home. After a fiasco getting down there, my blackberry getting completely wiped of all access to anything and not a verizon to be found in New Orleans.....I am home.
I have a lot to say, but right now I am just crawling back into bed.
No more protecting and respecting those whom are claiming to protect and respect me.
I gave you a chance, I held back my words. Not any more.
Women need to know exactly what to expect when they are raped and file charges. This blog is to do so.
I no longer care if the NOPD fucks up my case even worse than they already have. And I no longer care if the women in the DA's office feelings get hurt.
Tomorrow, I will most likely be posting all day long as I have declared myself emotionally unfit for work ( this will also be explained tomorrow)
Kevin, I am giving you one chance to try and contact me and explain things, If the police or DA wont give me any information I would hope you are decent enough to.....especially after I sat down on Monday in the DA's office and made it clear that there are to be no charges brought against you. The least you can do is answer a few of my questions.
DVaughnnopd@yahoo.com- if you can prove its you.....and there was a dinner conversation regarding a specific movie you were shocked I knew.........................Im not sure when my phone will be up and running again, and i have no contact list in my completely obliterated phone. My phone picks and chooses when it will function so email would be the best way......unless you would like to wait for my phone to work and call or text me If you would like to wait to speak or text, just email me and tell me so and I will hold my posting until I can get my phone fixed
I did you a favor, please do me one the same. If you dont, I will be posting all names, first and last. I will also be posting more details about the Thursday night/Friday morning proir to the rapist arriving to town.
Please help a woman with more often suicidal thoughts than not, looking for answer. Your friends wont even have to know you have done so, I will keep what is said to myself
Please do not pretend you havent been reading this, I know you read it every day.
Thank you, Goodnite all
And i would really like to thank everyone on twitter for their messages of support. I find it amazing that so many people care about someone they dont even know . You are truly a blessing in my life
Im home. After a fiasco getting down there, my blackberry getting completely wiped of all access to anything and not a verizon to be found in New Orleans.....I am home.
I have a lot to say, but right now I am just crawling back into bed.
No more protecting and respecting those whom are claiming to protect and respect me.
I gave you a chance, I held back my words. Not any more.
Women need to know exactly what to expect when they are raped and file charges. This blog is to do so.
I no longer care if the NOPD fucks up my case even worse than they already have. And I no longer care if the women in the DA's office feelings get hurt.
Tomorrow, I will most likely be posting all day long as I have declared myself emotionally unfit for work ( this will also be explained tomorrow)
Kevin, I am giving you one chance to try and contact me and explain things, If the police or DA wont give me any information I would hope you are decent enough to.....especially after I sat down on Monday in the DA's office and made it clear that there are to be no charges brought against you. The least you can do is answer a few of my questions.
DVaughnnopd@yahoo.com- if you can prove its you.....and there was a dinner conversation regarding a specific movie you were shocked I knew.........................Im not sure when my phone will be up and running again, and i have no contact list in my completely obliterated phone. My phone picks and chooses when it will function so email would be the best way......unless you would like to wait for my phone to work and call or text me If you would like to wait to speak or text, just email me and tell me so and I will hold my posting until I can get my phone fixed
I did you a favor, please do me one the same. If you dont, I will be posting all names, first and last. I will also be posting more details about the Thursday night/Friday morning proir to the rapist arriving to town.
Please help a woman with more often suicidal thoughts than not, looking for answer. Your friends wont even have to know you have done so, I will keep what is said to myself
Please do not pretend you havent been reading this, I know you read it every day.
Thank you, Goodnite all
And i would really like to thank everyone on twitter for their messages of support. I find it amazing that so many people care about someone they dont even know . You are truly a blessing in my life
Saturday, December 11, 2010
my trip so far
So I made it to New Orleans yesterday... But it was quite the day. We left an hour late from my hometown because it was 12 degrees and nothing was working properly. Due to the delay, as I was landing in detroit my connection was departing for NOLA. I was told I would have to wait 6 hours for the next flight. I travel a lot....luckly I was able to speak with someone the agreed to fly me into Charlotte and let me switch airlines to connect to new orleans. Originally I was to get in at 1030 AM, I managed to get myself here by 230....which was the time my flight from detroit would have left. Unfortunatley my bag didn't make the full trip and didn't arrive in NOLA til after 10 PM.... Upsetting, but I had enough in my carry on that it didn't make much of a difference.
Amazingly non of what happened sent me into a panic attack. I was annoyed, but it really didn't affect me much. I have been having a great time, no anxiety. I'm thinking I may start to panic Sunday night in expectation of my meeting Monday.... But I'm hoping I will be able to just relax and not let it get to me, as I know, nothing is in my control.
Anyway. Heading back out.
Thank you to everyone on twitter. Your recent tweets in support have meant more to me than I can possibly convey.
Goodnight everyone
Amazingly non of what happened sent me into a panic attack. I was annoyed, but it really didn't affect me much. I have been having a great time, no anxiety. I'm thinking I may start to panic Sunday night in expectation of my meeting Monday.... But I'm hoping I will be able to just relax and not let it get to me, as I know, nothing is in my control.
Anyway. Heading back out.
Thank you to everyone on twitter. Your recent tweets in support have meant more to me than I can possibly convey.
Goodnight everyone
Thursday, December 9, 2010
blogging by phone
Thurs 12/9/10
Attempting to write from my phone for the first time. Having a blast at this conference. Actually learning some new stuff. Exciting right? I thought I would be a nervous wreck all day. I leave for new orleans tomorrow, excited but freaked out at the same time. Everything could change by the time I get home.
Hope everyone is having a great day :)
Attempting to write from my phone for the first time. Having a blast at this conference. Actually learning some new stuff. Exciting right? I thought I would be a nervous wreck all day. I leave for new orleans tomorrow, excited but freaked out at the same time. Everything could change by the time I get home.
Hope everyone is having a great day :)
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Better
Wednesday 12/8/10 - 6:30 PM
I feel amazing. Like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
I met with my boss today and told her that I am looking elsewhere a job. I told her everything I felt about what I am currently doing and how I am more valuable than the recognition I am getting. I didnt ask, but a coworker also sat down with my boss and fought for them to anything they can to keep me.
I personally would just like to pack up and start new...but if they come back with a good enough offer I may stick around to check it out.
Just finally getting all that out in the open and making it known how unhappy I am in my current situation felt amazing. I dont have that heavy feeling in my chest anymore.....Im actually even a little more excited that I have some time off and get to head to new orleans Friday.
I finally laughed today.....its pretty pathetic that I had to point out to myself how good it felt to laugh again.
Anyway, still at work., getting things together so i dont come back to a mess.
Hope all are well
I feel amazing. Like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
I met with my boss today and told her that I am looking elsewhere a job. I told her everything I felt about what I am currently doing and how I am more valuable than the recognition I am getting. I didnt ask, but a coworker also sat down with my boss and fought for them to anything they can to keep me.
I personally would just like to pack up and start new...but if they come back with a good enough offer I may stick around to check it out.
Just finally getting all that out in the open and making it known how unhappy I am in my current situation felt amazing. I dont have that heavy feeling in my chest anymore.....Im actually even a little more excited that I have some time off and get to head to new orleans Friday.
I finally laughed today.....its pretty pathetic that I had to point out to myself how good it felt to laugh again.
Anyway, still at work., getting things together so i dont come back to a mess.
Hope all are well
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