Hi everyone, sorry I have been MIA lately....ive been pretty exhausted lately and emotionally drained. Just havent felt much like writing.....right now, writing seems to be just a reminder
My friend and I went down to New Orleans last weekend. I started to get pretty nervous on the second part of the flight, thank goodness Crisx posted when she did. I remembered her words and was able so smile and calm myself.
My friend and I landed , got right to the hotel and went right out to dinner. I was nervous to leave the room, but once we got to dinner I seemed to forget everything and just had a good time. My friend had never been to the city before so it was great to see his face at everything I showed him.
Our second day I got to take my friend to his first NFL game......We had such a phenomenal time....I cant believe the Saints lost to the Browns though......thats pretty F'd up if you ask me, but I still love them
My plans for going back down to New Orleans were to get answers....but when I got there I found myself just wanting to forget it all and just have fun in a city I have always loved. I had planned on going to the police station, speak with a law professor at a college and stop at a few local agencies that may be able to help me. I instead, barely thought about what happened and just ran around and laughed the entire time with a true friend. A friend that has stood by me through everything and listens to my crazy thoughts when I need to vent them.
One night, I did however end up going back to that house on N Rampart St. I had remembered that when I was there last, there was a sign in the window. I was hoping that sign would be there so I could call and meet the person that rents it out....maybe he could give me the name of the man that signed the agreement. No such luck that sign was down. It was more sickening for my friend to be there than me. I had seen that house many times before while on vacation down there, so to me, it wasnt as big of shock to my system to go back there as I thought it might be. My friend had that sick to your stomach reaction, so i looked around as much as I could and we left and went back to the hotel.
Tuesday I had planned to go to the police station for answers,but I was having such a great time I didnt want to put a damper on my trip.....It was nice to not have every thought in my mind consumed with my rape. We did however make it back up to the ER and dropped off some clothes we had brought with us to a SANE nurse, I wish you could have seen the smile on her face. Made me want to cry right there. After we dropped everything off we just walked around all day...yes in that nasty hot humidity....but we still had fun and lost a few pounds in sweat lol.
The main reason I was so ok without trying to find out information this trip was because I already have a trip planned for next month.....I will be back in a few weeks, and by then my rape kit should have results back by then......I was told 2 weeks go that the results could be in, in 2 weeks......Friday was the 2 week mark, so there was no point in harassing the police department before that.
I still havent heard my results are back......and if I dont hear by my next trip, I will be pressing the department harder. Next trip will be mostly business. and Next trip I will get the answers I am looking for.
In case u are wondering my next trip is soon, i have my suitcase out and ready to go so in a few weeks, i will be back , this time with another friend and my mom.
I really dont feel all that much like writing anymore. I have been able to control my thoughts for the most part. As I have said before its the quiet, alone times, like in the shower, driving to work or trying to fall asleep when my thoughts tend to drift back to my rape. I really dont have much emotion anymore. No passion, No energy really to go do anything. I am just existing. I find people are getting on my nerves a lot quicker than they used to. Normally I would just crack a joke in my head and let them be, now I just want to slap them in the face and tell them to shut the f up. Even my friends are now sometimes on my nerves. The people who are the closest to me are driving me crazy. Sometimes I just want quiet. Just because you are in the room with someone doesnt mean you have to hold a conversation every time. Just be fricking quiet! help with our problem of noise pollution for goodness sake :) One of my friends is acting like nothing ever happened to me and is expecting me to be the way I was, always joking around and doing stupid stuff just because its funny. And I guess for the most part, that is my fault. Ive been doing my best to act like everything is ok and that Iam not any different than I was. Its my fault my friend doesnt understand that sometimes I just need them to shut their mouth and quit annoying the hell out of me.
Thank you again to all of you that have shown your support to me, you are really having a major affect on my life and I truly thank you.
Im not sure how or when I will write anymore.....It is kind of hard to write when you are pretty emotionless and have no passion
Oh! and one more thing- MP4 I thank you for that, Im glad I can have an effect on your life like you have had in mine :)
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Powerful
First things first....thank you Crisx08- I got your comment right as i was about to board my flight from Wash., Dulles to New Orleans. The wave of calm and happiness that came over me was indescribable. Thank you for coming forward. Thank you for supporting my cause. Thank you for getting the word out.
But most of all....I thank you for getting me through that 3 hour flight. Mid flight I started to panic about setting foot back in the city.... a full on panic attack was on its way, but I thought about your words and your support and I was able to fight it. I was able to complete the flight and get off that plane feeling better than I had in almost a month.
MP4- thank you for your words and your support and also being brave enough to show it. You honestly brought the biggest smile known to man to my face. And your right, hearing kind words in a time like this is so uplifting and does make things easier.
Jess- thank you for asking about my trip...I got a small amount of information.....but once my plane touched down, I just wanted to get away from everything and have a good time....so I did. I didnt set foot in a police station, I did however get a phone number of someone that may be able to help me. It was nice to not have every thought on my mind on my rape for once. Im going to write details of the trip either tomorrow or saturday
To anonymous that called me incredible.........I thank you, your words go straight to my heart and give me hope...... im more pissed off than incredible though :)
To the other anonymous- I have no created an email for people that may have some information. I hope whomever uses it for the right reasons, but if people choose to spew hate I cant control that.
I created an email : dvaughnnopd@yahoo.com
I just wanted to get these quick thank yous in before I went to bed. I will tell you about my trip tomorrow or saturday.
Once again thank you all
But most of all....I thank you for getting me through that 3 hour flight. Mid flight I started to panic about setting foot back in the city.... a full on panic attack was on its way, but I thought about your words and your support and I was able to fight it. I was able to complete the flight and get off that plane feeling better than I had in almost a month.
MP4- thank you for your words and your support and also being brave enough to show it. You honestly brought the biggest smile known to man to my face. And your right, hearing kind words in a time like this is so uplifting and does make things easier.
Jess- thank you for asking about my trip...I got a small amount of information.....but once my plane touched down, I just wanted to get away from everything and have a good time....so I did. I didnt set foot in a police station, I did however get a phone number of someone that may be able to help me. It was nice to not have every thought on my mind on my rape for once. Im going to write details of the trip either tomorrow or saturday
To anonymous that called me incredible.........I thank you, your words go straight to my heart and give me hope...... im more pissed off than incredible though :)
To the other anonymous- I have no created an email for people that may have some information. I hope whomever uses it for the right reasons, but if people choose to spew hate I cant control that.
I created an email : dvaughnnopd@yahoo.com
I just wanted to get these quick thank yous in before I went to bed. I will tell you about my trip tomorrow or saturday.
Once again thank you all
10/28/10
Hi everyone Im back in NY but I am swamped with work. Both physically and emotionally exhausted...I have a bunch to say, but I am just too tired. Hopefully tomorrow I can get myself together....maybe tonight if I get some energy after I leave the office ... Thanks for sticking around :)
Friday, October 22, 2010
calm
6:30 Friday 10/22/10
Long day at work, but didnt have much time to have these completely chaotic thoughts running through my mind so thats a plus. Im feeling pretty calm and not really caring about much.
About to pack for my trip.....not sure how much I will write while I am down there..... Not sure if being back in the city will cause me to panic or not, It shouldnt, Ive been there plenty before this, and the ass that did this to me doesnt live there so I should be good.
I will be trying to gather some info while Im down there, but im hoping i will just be able to relax and show my friend around the city...and catch the Saints game of course
So this may or may not be the last you hear from me for the next few days....if something comes up i will tweet that im back
Long day at work, but didnt have much time to have these completely chaotic thoughts running through my mind so thats a plus. Im feeling pretty calm and not really caring about much.
About to pack for my trip.....not sure how much I will write while I am down there..... Not sure if being back in the city will cause me to panic or not, It shouldnt, Ive been there plenty before this, and the ass that did this to me doesnt live there so I should be good.
I will be trying to gather some info while Im down there, but im hoping i will just be able to relax and show my friend around the city...and catch the Saints game of course
So this may or may not be the last you hear from me for the next few days....if something comes up i will tweet that im back
Mr Bachelor Boy
So i woke up this AM still exhausted and told myself I wasnt signing in to blog today. Im just tired and this blogging does make me think about what happened way to much to be healthy. I had it in my head that maybe I would take today off and then wouldnt post again until I came back from New Olreans....but apparently I cant do that.
Anonymous says that things are disappearing from my blog. This just simply isnt true. They say that I wrote something about drinking red punch the night of the rape.....I honestly dont ever remember saying that, and the only red drink I had that night came from Pat Obriens around 10 PM, So i honestly cannot give an answer to where that comes from.
Caroline and Anonymous- I appreciate both of you and you are both correct, I do need to speak with someone but I am as stubborn a person you will ever meet, and I cant force myself to go, not yet. And I do have 2 close friends and my mother that I confide in so I am not alone in this.....One of my friends even sides with you Anonymous and questions whether this really does constitute rape ....so I have feedback from both sides and that helps me to. I 100% promise that when I am ready to break down and start crying about everything I will go to see someone and begin to heal....but for right now I have my friends, family and this blog.
Now, back to the reason I decided to sign in today- When my thoughts go all crazy seems to be downtime, like the drive to work or in the shower. Well this morning after having my mind made up to take a break from this, I had another "epiphany toilet" moment...those of you that watch scrubs get that reference. Anyway, The night I first met these boys The Bachelor said something to me.....and hes lucky he is the only name I cant remember because I would contact his wife or soon to be wife and tell her what kind of creepy guy he is. We was quiet, but there was just something off about him and throughout the night we didnt talk much and he actually went of with Action Hero friend for most of the night so i wasnt around him much.
Anyway, when he arrived back at the house shortly before my mother and I left, he had told me that he and the boys had a bet going that I would have sex with my friend that night (which FYI we didnt and my friend never once pressured me to)....I just laughed it off as stupid boy behavior and thought nothing of it....
Call me a conspiracy theorist....but you may already see where I am going with this. What if Creepy Mr. Bachelor Boy offered money to my rapist to do what he did??? I dont know if im reaching with this one....but this bachelor boy was pretty creepy and its just making me think, if he said that the first night, maybe he tried to start something the following night. The thought makes me sick
Ok , got that out, now off to my shit-tastic day at work trying to deal with this whole other issue
Anonymous says that things are disappearing from my blog. This just simply isnt true. They say that I wrote something about drinking red punch the night of the rape.....I honestly dont ever remember saying that, and the only red drink I had that night came from Pat Obriens around 10 PM, So i honestly cannot give an answer to where that comes from.
Caroline and Anonymous- I appreciate both of you and you are both correct, I do need to speak with someone but I am as stubborn a person you will ever meet, and I cant force myself to go, not yet. And I do have 2 close friends and my mother that I confide in so I am not alone in this.....One of my friends even sides with you Anonymous and questions whether this really does constitute rape ....so I have feedback from both sides and that helps me to. I 100% promise that when I am ready to break down and start crying about everything I will go to see someone and begin to heal....but for right now I have my friends, family and this blog.
Now, back to the reason I decided to sign in today- When my thoughts go all crazy seems to be downtime, like the drive to work or in the shower. Well this morning after having my mind made up to take a break from this, I had another "epiphany toilet" moment...those of you that watch scrubs get that reference. Anyway, The night I first met these boys The Bachelor said something to me.....and hes lucky he is the only name I cant remember because I would contact his wife or soon to be wife and tell her what kind of creepy guy he is. We was quiet, but there was just something off about him and throughout the night we didnt talk much and he actually went of with Action Hero friend for most of the night so i wasnt around him much.
Anyway, when he arrived back at the house shortly before my mother and I left, he had told me that he and the boys had a bet going that I would have sex with my friend that night (which FYI we didnt and my friend never once pressured me to)....I just laughed it off as stupid boy behavior and thought nothing of it....
Call me a conspiracy theorist....but you may already see where I am going with this. What if Creepy Mr. Bachelor Boy offered money to my rapist to do what he did??? I dont know if im reaching with this one....but this bachelor boy was pretty creepy and its just making me think, if he said that the first night, maybe he tried to start something the following night. The thought makes me sick
Ok , got that out, now off to my shit-tastic day at work trying to deal with this whole other issue
Thursday, October 21, 2010
exhausted
so exhausted, not quite sure how a mind can have so many thoughts at once.....but im actually so tired, the chaos in my head seems to be gone. Ive been laying in bed for the past 2 hours and i really havent cared about anything.....havent really thought about much....i think i may have finally just warn myself out. hopefully im so warn out that I will be able to sleep through the night without crazy dreams or waking up mid punch......a girl can hope. Goodnite
A few conversations
Anonymous has helped me move my archive over....or at least i hope it worked.
Also asked me to quote word for word the questions posed and then answer them.....no problem
Back to the deleting portions of stories.....I have not gone back and deleted anything, there are times when I have gone back and added things, but not deleted. There was one instance where I realized I used the word love and didnt realize it so I did quickly go back and change that phrasing. If you really do have a screen shot of what I said that you think I deleted, please forward it to me, I know how I speak and will be able to tell if it was something I said, but I honestly dont remember deleting anything-
Next here is what anonymous says " I believe your story... I also believe you may have exaggerated some (bc everyone tends to do that when they are very emotional) and gone back and edited your blogs. The part of the drugs in your system was more than that little part that is there now (edited). I believe that this happened to you... but I don't consider it rape, he asked... you said yes! You didn't open your eyes and when you did, you were clearly not happy and he stopped. If I was in the "jury of your peers" I would not find him guilty. Was this unfortunate? Yes. Are you embarrassed? I think so. Did the NOPD handle this wrong? ABSOLUTELY!!! I gave you that link (the nola one) to let you know that you are not the only woman who has been treated this way. I think thats BS and needs to change. Perhaps only women should work the sex crimes unit or gay men bc I think straight men have no compassion and tend to side with the men from the start and that really annoys me. Let me answer your questions more specifically... I'm not dead set on calling you a liar... I just know what I read and that is NOT what is there now. It is not hard for me to believe this happened to you especially after all those drinks you had. I believe some points may be exaggerated or omitted bc alcohol tends to do that (make your forget some stuff) and I (personally) dont believe its rape. I dont think your wrong for drawing attention to the incompetent NOPD and the people who treated you so poorly"
I guess we just have a different opinion on what constitutes rape. This man had no business coming into my bed and doing what he did, we hadnt even held a conversation. What kind of person climbs into a bed with a woman he doesnt know and expect them to be ok with it? So I do believe this was rape. We will just have to agree to disagree on that point.
Your point about women working on sex crimes and gay men....It made me laugh a little....I couldnt fully tell if you were being sarcastic or if this was a true thought...because there could actually be made arguments for this. What I do have to say is that there was a woman officer that also responded to my call, and she couldnt even look me in the face and didnt say one word to me. She wouldnt come within 5 feet of me....Im honestly not even sure why she was there. I have no problem with male officers handling rape cases, I just have the problem with the mentality they approach the victim with.
And I guess what gets me about the alcohol argument is that the first night, before my rapist flew into town, I was back at the house for at least 5 hours and i was drinking water....I had drinks before hand but when I got to the house I didnt drink......I was actually walking around the house with water in a pitcher because I couldnt find any cups. I was completely aware of everything going on around me. And everyone was a ton of fun, having a great time. Come the next night yes I had been drinking and that probably has to do with some of the memory loss, the other part of the memory loss is just because I dont want to go back to that place.
And for Caroline- I know I need to seek counseling, I know my nerves are at their end. But Im not ready to break down just yet. I dont know if that makes any sense, but I feel the minute I start speaking with a counselor and they start asking questions and making me re-live everything I will just break down and not have it in me to fight anymore......im not ready to quit fighting just yet....so im using my blog....at least im not keeping it all bottled up inside. This thing at work definitely does make things a lot more complicated....but in some sick way, its a relief......every thought that runs through my mind wont be about my rape anymore. At least I have something else to focus on, another problem yes, I am so glad to not have every thought running through my mind be about rape......I am ashamed of myself for this, I take no joy in what may happen to this person I work with......
Also asked me to quote word for word the questions posed and then answer them.....no problem
Back to the deleting portions of stories.....I have not gone back and deleted anything, there are times when I have gone back and added things, but not deleted. There was one instance where I realized I used the word love and didnt realize it so I did quickly go back and change that phrasing. If you really do have a screen shot of what I said that you think I deleted, please forward it to me, I know how I speak and will be able to tell if it was something I said, but I honestly dont remember deleting anything-
Next here is what anonymous says " I believe your story... I also believe you may have exaggerated some (bc everyone tends to do that when they are very emotional) and gone back and edited your blogs. The part of the drugs in your system was more than that little part that is there now (edited). I believe that this happened to you... but I don't consider it rape, he asked... you said yes! You didn't open your eyes and when you did, you were clearly not happy and he stopped. If I was in the "jury of your peers" I would not find him guilty. Was this unfortunate? Yes. Are you embarrassed? I think so. Did the NOPD handle this wrong? ABSOLUTELY!!! I gave you that link (the nola one) to let you know that you are not the only woman who has been treated this way. I think thats BS and needs to change. Perhaps only women should work the sex crimes unit or gay men bc I think straight men have no compassion and tend to side with the men from the start and that really annoys me. Let me answer your questions more specifically... I'm not dead set on calling you a liar... I just know what I read and that is NOT what is there now. It is not hard for me to believe this happened to you especially after all those drinks you had. I believe some points may be exaggerated or omitted bc alcohol tends to do that (make your forget some stuff) and I (personally) dont believe its rape. I dont think your wrong for drawing attention to the incompetent NOPD and the people who treated you so poorly"
I guess we just have a different opinion on what constitutes rape. This man had no business coming into my bed and doing what he did, we hadnt even held a conversation. What kind of person climbs into a bed with a woman he doesnt know and expect them to be ok with it? So I do believe this was rape. We will just have to agree to disagree on that point.
Your point about women working on sex crimes and gay men....It made me laugh a little....I couldnt fully tell if you were being sarcastic or if this was a true thought...because there could actually be made arguments for this. What I do have to say is that there was a woman officer that also responded to my call, and she couldnt even look me in the face and didnt say one word to me. She wouldnt come within 5 feet of me....Im honestly not even sure why she was there. I have no problem with male officers handling rape cases, I just have the problem with the mentality they approach the victim with.
And I guess what gets me about the alcohol argument is that the first night, before my rapist flew into town, I was back at the house for at least 5 hours and i was drinking water....I had drinks before hand but when I got to the house I didnt drink......I was actually walking around the house with water in a pitcher because I couldnt find any cups. I was completely aware of everything going on around me. And everyone was a ton of fun, having a great time. Come the next night yes I had been drinking and that probably has to do with some of the memory loss, the other part of the memory loss is just because I dont want to go back to that place.
And for Caroline- I know I need to seek counseling, I know my nerves are at their end. But Im not ready to break down just yet. I dont know if that makes any sense, but I feel the minute I start speaking with a counselor and they start asking questions and making me re-live everything I will just break down and not have it in me to fight anymore......im not ready to quit fighting just yet....so im using my blog....at least im not keeping it all bottled up inside. This thing at work definitely does make things a lot more complicated....but in some sick way, its a relief......every thought that runs through my mind wont be about my rape anymore. At least I have something else to focus on, another problem yes, I am so glad to not have every thought running through my mind be about rape......I am ashamed of myself for this, I take no joy in what may happen to this person I work with......
panic
and not for the reason you think. Ive just been told at work that something ive discovered in my daily work may cost another person their position. i really dont need this right now. I have enough crazy thoughts running through my mind already. How am I not supposed to worry about this, how am I supposed to accept that someone may lose their job or be reprimanded because of something I found. this is too much
I cant fricking stop shaking right now and i am actually in fricking tears in my office, i cant f-ing handle this in my life right now.....just to even think of the investigation that is being put in place right now. How is it that this can make me cry and lose it but being raped didnt. I have no clue what im supposed to do now
Its 5:42- Im home now.....have you ever driven yourself somewhere and not realized how you got there? Your just all of a sudden where you were headed, not remembering much about the drive....i think theres a term like road hypnosis or highway hipnosis or something.
Well at least im home.
I cant fricking stop shaking right now and i am actually in fricking tears in my office, i cant f-ing handle this in my life right now.....just to even think of the investigation that is being put in place right now. How is it that this can make me cry and lose it but being raped didnt. I have no clue what im supposed to do now
Its 5:42- Im home now.....have you ever driven yourself somewhere and not realized how you got there? Your just all of a sudden where you were headed, not remembering much about the drive....i think theres a term like road hypnosis or highway hipnosis or something.
Well at least im home.
Giving up
12:12 Thurs 10/21/10-
I woke up today just feeling worn out. Not angry like yesterday. I just didnt want to deal with this any more..... im sick of all the thoughts constantly flowing through my mind....I just pretty much didnt care.
Then I had a few posts from someone that put a little bit of a spark back in me......my last post addresses those comments. This person, doesnt believe me, completely ok, its their opinion....everyone has a right to their opinion......and while I hate that this person doesnt believe me, they are bringing up issues and asking questions. This is exactly the sort of thing that is needed when issues such as this arise. People need to ask questions, people need to know. In writing back and forth with this person, even though they call me a liar, a spark is at least slightly lit.
Ive said it before and I will say it again, I have nothing to hide and all questions and comments are welcome and will be addressed as long as they are appropriate for the situation
2:33 PM 10/21/10- I have seen the post- its just really long and i still have a ton of work...but i will definately respond when i have a minute
I woke up today just feeling worn out. Not angry like yesterday. I just didnt want to deal with this any more..... im sick of all the thoughts constantly flowing through my mind....I just pretty much didnt care.
Then I had a few posts from someone that put a little bit of a spark back in me......my last post addresses those comments. This person, doesnt believe me, completely ok, its their opinion....everyone has a right to their opinion......and while I hate that this person doesnt believe me, they are bringing up issues and asking questions. This is exactly the sort of thing that is needed when issues such as this arise. People need to ask questions, people need to know. In writing back and forth with this person, even though they call me a liar, a spark is at least slightly lit.
Ive said it before and I will say it again, I have nothing to hide and all questions and comments are welcome and will be addressed as long as they are appropriate for the situation
2:33 PM 10/21/10- I have seen the post- its just really long and i still have a ton of work...but i will definately respond when i have a minute
Clarification purposes i guess
I do not idolize my friend. So to whomever posted I did you are getting the wrong impression. Under Louisiana law, my friend could also be charged with rape. I dont think this law should apply to him, but it does. I am trying to make it perfectly clear that I think in no way this law applies to him and that he shouldnt go to jail for it. There are no feelings for this friend other than pity that he may, in fact, be charged in this case and he shouldnt be. I am trying to write as objectively as I can so things may not be coming off the way I mean them
And no drugs were found in my system as far as I have been told, I was told the test for a sleeping pill was still out and I would be informed when the test came back. I havent heard anything, which isnt surprising, so Im pretty sure I wasnt drugged
Sorry, back from my meeting-
And i delete comments as i go so i know what I have already addressed as there is a lot of shit going on in my head and I dont go back and re-read what I have written-
What I said previously was that the test came back that there may have been sedative aka sleeping pill in my system. I was told my the SANE nurse that the results werent back yet so thats what The SANE nurse thought it could mean. The SANE nurse said they would call me if it came back that specific test came back positive. I havent heard back from The SANE nurse regarding this, therefore I can only assume nothing was conclusive was found.
And as for deleting things that have been posted in my blog, I have done no such thing. I dont know where that comes from, but I have not deleted any content I have posted...you may want to go back and read again. I wont look for you because I dont want to relive this, im fine with having no memory left of it..
For the person requesting the archive in the side bar.....ive never blogged before so I am not familiar at all with how to format things, but I will look into doing so.
I was in a meeting from 830 to 11 not that I need to justify when and how I respond to you. But that is besides the point.
My best friend is here with me and I told her what you said regarding the sleeping pills.....she found it, she told me that somehow things arent in order but they are there.....under the heading something like thoughts in my mind or whatever, I dont know what I labeled it, but take a look.
You can view me as a liar you are entitled to your opinion, but the proof is back there.
And i deleted your comment before adjusting my archive, could you please tell me how to do it again. Thanks
And If you wouldnt mind I would like to ask you a few questions. Why is it so hard to believe this happened to me? Why are you so dead set on trying to call me a liar? I understand people dont agree with my actions and most dont agree with how I responded to the police.... but what is it that makes you so sure I am wrong?
Im not being rude or anything of the sort, I truley just want to know, and you seem to be the kind of person that will call someone on their BS and says exactly what they are thinking....So I am honestly interested in your specific opinion......and I am also interested in anyone else's opinion should they choose to voice it.
Any time someone posted comments on the newspaper/tv websites, I responded and addressed what they said, so me deleting comments as I go does nothing because I address the question in my writing. anything you have commented on , I have made public in typing these responses to you. I will answer any question or comment you or anyone else has.....and you can keep me honest by reporting if I dont respond to one of your comments, I am perfectly ok with that.............as long as they arent ridiculous question that have nothing to do with the subject matter........ or I may address those too so i can maybe get a laugh out of it
And no drugs were found in my system as far as I have been told, I was told the test for a sleeping pill was still out and I would be informed when the test came back. I havent heard anything, which isnt surprising, so Im pretty sure I wasnt drugged
Sorry, back from my meeting-
And i delete comments as i go so i know what I have already addressed as there is a lot of shit going on in my head and I dont go back and re-read what I have written-
What I said previously was that the test came back that there may have been sedative aka sleeping pill in my system. I was told my the SANE nurse that the results werent back yet so thats what The SANE nurse thought it could mean. The SANE nurse said they would call me if it came back that specific test came back positive. I havent heard back from The SANE nurse regarding this, therefore I can only assume nothing was conclusive was found.
And as for deleting things that have been posted in my blog, I have done no such thing. I dont know where that comes from, but I have not deleted any content I have posted...you may want to go back and read again. I wont look for you because I dont want to relive this, im fine with having no memory left of it..
For the person requesting the archive in the side bar.....ive never blogged before so I am not familiar at all with how to format things, but I will look into doing so.
I was in a meeting from 830 to 11 not that I need to justify when and how I respond to you. But that is besides the point.
My best friend is here with me and I told her what you said regarding the sleeping pills.....she found it, she told me that somehow things arent in order but they are there.....under the heading something like thoughts in my mind or whatever, I dont know what I labeled it, but take a look.
You can view me as a liar you are entitled to your opinion, but the proof is back there.
And i deleted your comment before adjusting my archive, could you please tell me how to do it again. Thanks
And If you wouldnt mind I would like to ask you a few questions. Why is it so hard to believe this happened to me? Why are you so dead set on trying to call me a liar? I understand people dont agree with my actions and most dont agree with how I responded to the police.... but what is it that makes you so sure I am wrong?
Im not being rude or anything of the sort, I truley just want to know, and you seem to be the kind of person that will call someone on their BS and says exactly what they are thinking....So I am honestly interested in your specific opinion......and I am also interested in anyone else's opinion should they choose to voice it.
Any time someone posted comments on the newspaper/tv websites, I responded and addressed what they said, so me deleting comments as I go does nothing because I address the question in my writing. anything you have commented on , I have made public in typing these responses to you. I will answer any question or comment you or anyone else has.....and you can keep me honest by reporting if I dont respond to one of your comments, I am perfectly ok with that.............as long as they arent ridiculous question that have nothing to do with the subject matter........ or I may address those too so i can maybe get a laugh out of it
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thank You All
4:16 Wed 10/20/10-
I just want a minute to thank anyone and everyone that is reading this, even if you disagree with me.
This is an issue that needs to be addressed on so many different levels.
Over 2,000 page views have been tracked so far from 12 different countries. US, Canada, United Kingdom, Ireland, Singapore, Australia, Switzerland, Netherlands, Guatemala, South Africa, Philippines and Austria.
This clearly is an issue that from the looks of it is more than just an issue in the US. I hope word continues to spread about this....although I do have to admit this is a bit of a challenge not knowing what the people that are taking interest in this are thinking.
In all reality, it really shouldnt matter what anyone thinks, I know what happened and thats all that matters.
As much as I play this off like I dont care what others think, I do. If you disagree with me, thats fine, if youre on my side even better, If your just in the middle and find this mentally stimulating thats fantastic too.
I started this blog as a way to deal with being raped and vent about how terribly I was treated and in doing so, I became immersed in this topic that turns out to be a very big issue our country and maybe even world seems to have.... What started as me coping became a way for me to hopefully help others. I hope there are victims that read this and decide maybe it is worth the fight. I hope there are just interested individuals that had no idea under reporting of rape was such a big issue and decide to educate themselves and spread the word and maybe take action themselves. I had no idea of this issue before it happened to me, and I am ashamed that it took this happening for me to pay attention. I hope there are people that read this and think Im a complete nutcase and believe nothing I say.....it doesnt matter really, I got you to pay attention, I am raising awareness. Like me or not, this issue is real and something needs to be done.
So thank you to everyone, you have given me a bit of a lifeline and I am grateful to have this outlet
I just want a minute to thank anyone and everyone that is reading this, even if you disagree with me.
This is an issue that needs to be addressed on so many different levels.
Over 2,000 page views have been tracked so far from 12 different countries. US, Canada, United Kingdom, Ireland, Singapore, Australia, Switzerland, Netherlands, Guatemala, South Africa, Philippines and Austria.
This clearly is an issue that from the looks of it is more than just an issue in the US. I hope word continues to spread about this....although I do have to admit this is a bit of a challenge not knowing what the people that are taking interest in this are thinking.
In all reality, it really shouldnt matter what anyone thinks, I know what happened and thats all that matters.
As much as I play this off like I dont care what others think, I do. If you disagree with me, thats fine, if youre on my side even better, If your just in the middle and find this mentally stimulating thats fantastic too.
I started this blog as a way to deal with being raped and vent about how terribly I was treated and in doing so, I became immersed in this topic that turns out to be a very big issue our country and maybe even world seems to have.... What started as me coping became a way for me to hopefully help others. I hope there are victims that read this and decide maybe it is worth the fight. I hope there are just interested individuals that had no idea under reporting of rape was such a big issue and decide to educate themselves and spread the word and maybe take action themselves. I had no idea of this issue before it happened to me, and I am ashamed that it took this happening for me to pay attention. I hope there are people that read this and think Im a complete nutcase and believe nothing I say.....it doesnt matter really, I got you to pay attention, I am raising awareness. Like me or not, this issue is real and something needs to be done.
So thank you to everyone, you have given me a bit of a lifeline and I am grateful to have this outlet
Darkness
its 10:46 Wed. 10/20/10-
I may be in the darkest place I have ever been. All I can think are bad thoughts, I am so angry. It takes a lot to get me pissed, but I have only felt anger since sometime yesterday evening.
I dont like being in this place. I have that pit in my chest again, my heart keeps racing and slowing down and racing and slowing down. Im angry over something I have no control over, what a waste of time and emotion. Anger is a ridiculous emotion if you think about it......people get angry and hurt others, people get angry over things they cant change......whats the point to feeling it?
Why walk around with all of this hatred
What makes it an even darker place is that I am at work, and I have to hold conversations and joke around with people...hiding my anger, not letting anyone know about it.....
Releasing names probably wasnt as smart of a decision as I thought, but I am glad I did it. And I didnt give the 3 last names I do know...so I am able to somehow restrain my actions. All of this could have been avoided if I was given the name of my rapist by any of the probably dozen people I asked.
What sucks is the fact that I had the opportunity to get his name when the responding officer showed me their licenses.....but the pic was so old i couldnt tell....and honestly i didnt even think to look at names.
I guess that im not only angry with the police dept, the DA's office, my rapist and his friends, but also angry at myself for not being smart enough to get his name when it was right in front of me.
But regret is also a pointless emotion. You regret what you did, but the cold hard truth is you did it and you can never take it back or make it completely better. That may be my one and only regret though, I had the chance to get his name and I failed.
Ive never lived my life with anger and regret...why start now.....why cant I control feeling this way, I know its a waste of my time and energy. The only thing that comes out of my anger is that I now know that I am a strong enough person to fight whomever I need to fight to get justice for myself. I should feel proud of that fact and just let the anger disappear ...but I cant. The words "i cant help you" are still ringing in the back of my head...fueling my anger, not letting me let go
I need out of this dark place, I need answers, I need his name. I dont even want his name so that I can tell everyone who he is....I want a name because I was violated and believe I deserve to know the name of the "man" that violated me. I could honestly just get the name and do nothing about it. I could be completely content with just knowing the name of my attacker and being able to associate it with his ridiculous hair.
Closure. Knowing his name is closure, and thats what I want. I want out of the darkness
I may be in the darkest place I have ever been. All I can think are bad thoughts, I am so angry. It takes a lot to get me pissed, but I have only felt anger since sometime yesterday evening.
I dont like being in this place. I have that pit in my chest again, my heart keeps racing and slowing down and racing and slowing down. Im angry over something I have no control over, what a waste of time and emotion. Anger is a ridiculous emotion if you think about it......people get angry and hurt others, people get angry over things they cant change......whats the point to feeling it?
Why walk around with all of this hatred
What makes it an even darker place is that I am at work, and I have to hold conversations and joke around with people...hiding my anger, not letting anyone know about it.....
Releasing names probably wasnt as smart of a decision as I thought, but I am glad I did it. And I didnt give the 3 last names I do know...so I am able to somehow restrain my actions. All of this could have been avoided if I was given the name of my rapist by any of the probably dozen people I asked.
What sucks is the fact that I had the opportunity to get his name when the responding officer showed me their licenses.....but the pic was so old i couldnt tell....and honestly i didnt even think to look at names.
I guess that im not only angry with the police dept, the DA's office, my rapist and his friends, but also angry at myself for not being smart enough to get his name when it was right in front of me.
But regret is also a pointless emotion. You regret what you did, but the cold hard truth is you did it and you can never take it back or make it completely better. That may be my one and only regret though, I had the chance to get his name and I failed.
Ive never lived my life with anger and regret...why start now.....why cant I control feeling this way, I know its a waste of my time and energy. The only thing that comes out of my anger is that I now know that I am a strong enough person to fight whomever I need to fight to get justice for myself. I should feel proud of that fact and just let the anger disappear ...but I cant. The words "i cant help you" are still ringing in the back of my head...fueling my anger, not letting me let go
I need out of this dark place, I need answers, I need his name. I dont even want his name so that I can tell everyone who he is....I want a name because I was violated and believe I deserve to know the name of the "man" that violated me. I could honestly just get the name and do nothing about it. I could be completely content with just knowing the name of my attacker and being able to associate it with his ridiculous hair.
Closure. Knowing his name is closure, and thats what I want. I want out of the darkness
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Words are powerful- here are some names
so its 8:08 PM 10/19/10-
I should take my own advice.....words are powerful
Quite possible the most powerful words in any language are "I Cant Help You"
Why is it, that when it comes to rape, no matter who it is you contact, you get the "I cant help you, but maybe this person can" response.....I am sick of making phone calls, I am sick of website requests, I am sick of the responses telling me to speak with this person or that person because it is their job to help you.
There is nothing more depressing than people not wanted to spare their time for you ....especially when its their job to. I have the right to be informed....well thats great, but when the people that are supposed to be informing you tell you they cant help you or this other person is better to answer your questions.
All I want is answers and not one person is able to help me get them is willing to.....Dont get me wrong, there are plenty of people that are willing to help and doing what they can.....but they dont have the knowledge/skill to give me the answers I am looking for. I want answers on police protacol....I cant get them. I want answers as to why I am not allowed to know my rapists name. I want answers as to why I had to walk around town with a sign announcing to anyone that would listen that I was raped. I want to know what charges the DA can bring against my rapist.....yet they wont talk to me because they dont have all the evidence yet/.....Why is no one just willing to sit down with me for even 5 minutes and explain anything to me......why do i have to sit here with thought after thought in my mind......researching idea after idea, wondering if I am wasting my time.......right now, moving to Phoenix seems like the only logical thing for me to do
If no one wants to give me answers, i will move out there and find out all the answers for myself. A big FU to the government that seems to make it their job to fuck everyone over. I am sick of the bullshit, I am sick of the lack of information available, I am sick that one piece of shit "man" can make my thoughts so abundantly chaotic in my head. I am sick that all I can do is sit here and wait
Words are Powerful- Words can hurt- The only thing I have to hold onto right now without losing it are words. I cannot take physical action, so I will do my best to use words as my weapon.
I need to fight back all the anger and make smart decisions...decisions that will work to benefit me. I need to calm all the thoughts spinning in my head and focus.
I need to make up my mind. If i dont trust the justice system, the only logic thing to do is take matters into my own hands.....I need to start dropping names. I need to use my words.
Do you know 4 men that are friends?? Are their names Paul, Kevin, Mike and Mac????? There is a 5th name, im almost positive it is Don......he goes by a nickname thats 2 words - 1st word starts with L, second word starts with B.....Therefore his nickname L...B...
If you do, you may know my rapist..........Arizona be ware, there is a rapist out there that is friends with these 4 men.....think to yourself.....do you know my rapist?
I should take my own advice.....words are powerful
Quite possible the most powerful words in any language are "I Cant Help You"
Why is it, that when it comes to rape, no matter who it is you contact, you get the "I cant help you, but maybe this person can" response.....I am sick of making phone calls, I am sick of website requests, I am sick of the responses telling me to speak with this person or that person because it is their job to help you.
There is nothing more depressing than people not wanted to spare their time for you ....especially when its their job to. I have the right to be informed....well thats great, but when the people that are supposed to be informing you tell you they cant help you or this other person is better to answer your questions.
All I want is answers and not one person is able to help me get them is willing to.....Dont get me wrong, there are plenty of people that are willing to help and doing what they can.....but they dont have the knowledge/skill to give me the answers I am looking for. I want answers on police protacol....I cant get them. I want answers as to why I am not allowed to know my rapists name. I want answers as to why I had to walk around town with a sign announcing to anyone that would listen that I was raped. I want to know what charges the DA can bring against my rapist.....yet they wont talk to me because they dont have all the evidence yet/.....Why is no one just willing to sit down with me for even 5 minutes and explain anything to me......why do i have to sit here with thought after thought in my mind......researching idea after idea, wondering if I am wasting my time.......right now, moving to Phoenix seems like the only logical thing for me to do
If no one wants to give me answers, i will move out there and find out all the answers for myself. A big FU to the government that seems to make it their job to fuck everyone over. I am sick of the bullshit, I am sick of the lack of information available, I am sick that one piece of shit "man" can make my thoughts so abundantly chaotic in my head. I am sick that all I can do is sit here and wait
Words are Powerful- Words can hurt- The only thing I have to hold onto right now without losing it are words. I cannot take physical action, so I will do my best to use words as my weapon.
I need to fight back all the anger and make smart decisions...decisions that will work to benefit me. I need to calm all the thoughts spinning in my head and focus.
I need to make up my mind. If i dont trust the justice system, the only logic thing to do is take matters into my own hands.....I need to start dropping names. I need to use my words.
Do you know 4 men that are friends?? Are their names Paul, Kevin, Mike and Mac????? There is a 5th name, im almost positive it is Don......he goes by a nickname thats 2 words - 1st word starts with L, second word starts with B.....Therefore his nickname L...B...
If you do, you may know my rapist..........Arizona be ware, there is a rapist out there that is friends with these 4 men.....think to yourself.....do you know my rapist?
Im thinking about Moving
Tuesday 10/19/10-
Yes, the title says it all. Im thinking that its time I move from NY.....maybe some of you are thinking I will move to New Orleans....and while the thought has crossed my mind many times.....that is not my choice.
My choice to is move to Phoenix.....my choice is to make my rapists and his friends as uncomfortable as possible.....my choice is to make them remember every day for the rest of their lives like I have to.
I am not lying when I say I am expecting the justice system to fail me. Maybe I have been focusing all my efforts and research on the wrong thing......Ive been focusing on building a case on my rapist for when this goes to trial.....what I should have been thinking was the US Justice system is flawed in a major way and that I wont be getting a trial. My focus should be Phoenix.
Why should I walk around with my head down like i am the one that did something wrong....That makes no sense. My rapist and those friends that are standing so strongly by his side should be the ones walking around, constantly thinking about what happened to me....feeling so awful about themselves that they could vomit at any moment.
I have an education, I have certifications, I could get a job out there if I tried. This idea is just becoming better and better to me as I sit here typing this. I think I could get along just fine out there.
Has anyone tried this before.....has anyone confronted their rapist and made sure they had a daily reminder of what they did to you and how pathetic they really are?? Why dont more victims write about it? Why dont more victims get so fed up with the justice system that they dont take a stand.....and if taking a stand fails....why dont victims move to the town their rapists live.....why dont they scare the shit out of the piece of shit that violated them in the first place.........I will gladly take stalking charge....then I would go to the media and tell the world why I was stalking this person.....Hit me with as many misdemeanors as you want......he will have to live with what he did to me for the rest of his life, just like I have to.......the difference is......I can also go after his friends......FRIENDS OF RAPISTS SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL........if you are friends with a rapist and their name goes public.....your name goes public too. No threat of violence to any of these men....just pointing out the facts.
Fact I was raped. Fact They are friends with my rapist. Fact, they stood by him even after I pointed him out face to face and filed a police report and waited 6 hours in the hospital to have 3 different people go over my body to look for evidence. Fact my friend, that this all started with in the first place is standing so strong by his friend that raped me he wont even give me his name. Fact that is fucking bullshit. What kind of man are you....you have known your friend for god knows how long.....which means you know he is very capable of doing what he did to me, yet you just stand in the corner and hide your face hoping this will all go away. Fact- I am not going away. Fact I am pissed off. Fact Words are powerful
Yes, the title says it all. Im thinking that its time I move from NY.....maybe some of you are thinking I will move to New Orleans....and while the thought has crossed my mind many times.....that is not my choice.
My choice to is move to Phoenix.....my choice is to make my rapists and his friends as uncomfortable as possible.....my choice is to make them remember every day for the rest of their lives like I have to.
I am not lying when I say I am expecting the justice system to fail me. Maybe I have been focusing all my efforts and research on the wrong thing......Ive been focusing on building a case on my rapist for when this goes to trial.....what I should have been thinking was the US Justice system is flawed in a major way and that I wont be getting a trial. My focus should be Phoenix.
Why should I walk around with my head down like i am the one that did something wrong....That makes no sense. My rapist and those friends that are standing so strongly by his side should be the ones walking around, constantly thinking about what happened to me....feeling so awful about themselves that they could vomit at any moment.
I have an education, I have certifications, I could get a job out there if I tried. This idea is just becoming better and better to me as I sit here typing this. I think I could get along just fine out there.
Has anyone tried this before.....has anyone confronted their rapist and made sure they had a daily reminder of what they did to you and how pathetic they really are?? Why dont more victims write about it? Why dont more victims get so fed up with the justice system that they dont take a stand.....and if taking a stand fails....why dont victims move to the town their rapists live.....why dont they scare the shit out of the piece of shit that violated them in the first place.........I will gladly take stalking charge....then I would go to the media and tell the world why I was stalking this person.....Hit me with as many misdemeanors as you want......he will have to live with what he did to me for the rest of his life, just like I have to.......the difference is......I can also go after his friends......FRIENDS OF RAPISTS SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL........if you are friends with a rapist and their name goes public.....your name goes public too. No threat of violence to any of these men....just pointing out the facts.
Fact I was raped. Fact They are friends with my rapist. Fact, they stood by him even after I pointed him out face to face and filed a police report and waited 6 hours in the hospital to have 3 different people go over my body to look for evidence. Fact my friend, that this all started with in the first place is standing so strong by his friend that raped me he wont even give me his name. Fact that is fucking bullshit. What kind of man are you....you have known your friend for god knows how long.....which means you know he is very capable of doing what he did to me, yet you just stand in the corner and hide your face hoping this will all go away. Fact- I am not going away. Fact I am pissed off. Fact Words are powerful
Physical Reminders
Its 10 AM 10/19/10- Finally! my last physical reminder of the day I was raped is gone.....that bruise on my forearm lasted over 3 weeks, but i can finally look down as I am typing and not be reminded.
Im hoping that with the last of the physical reminders gone, that I wont think about my rape as much.....no physical triggers to memories.
I still have those times in the car, or when im in the shower.....those times for some reason seem to be the times when I just have time to really do nothing but think....and my thoughts always seem to go back there. I still have to take ativan so I can sleep through the night and not wake up violently 5 or 6 times a night.
Im nervous to go back to the New Orleans this weekend. Im not really sure why. I will definitely be making a stop at police headquarters, I know they wont have an answer for me....but maybe they will shock me and my rape kit will have come back early. I have an extra bag full of tshirts and sweatpants to donate to the ER, Im a little nervous to walk back into the ER.....what if the people that were working when I was first brought in were there, what if they remember me, what if I get those "looks"?
A friend is coming with me and they have never been to New Orleans before. Im excited that I get to show them all around the city and show them why I love it so much....The thought that I can do this calms me a little. I also get to take my friend to their first NFL game.....seeing a Saints game as your first game is the only way to go.
It seems like going back is the best thing to do for me mentally. I confronted my attacker, I confronted the police, I dealt with the fact that I was wronged. Now its time to face the city where it happened.....It shouldnt be that hard. I was never afraid of the city or the people in it before, and my rapist was from Phoenix so I am expecting my trip will be just like all the rest of them. Eating great food, Having some cocktails and meeting some great people.
Im not sure if I have mentioned this before. But in all my trips to New Orleans, I have made 3 great friends that I still keep in contact with today. 2 Live about 2 hours from New Orleans but when I am in town they try to make it. The other lives right on the outside of the city. I am not willing to travel somewhere and think the worst of people. If I did that, I wouldnt have met these 3 great people....or the friends that I have met in other cities.
Im hoping that with the last of the physical reminders gone, that I wont think about my rape as much.....no physical triggers to memories.
I still have those times in the car, or when im in the shower.....those times for some reason seem to be the times when I just have time to really do nothing but think....and my thoughts always seem to go back there. I still have to take ativan so I can sleep through the night and not wake up violently 5 or 6 times a night.
Im nervous to go back to the New Orleans this weekend. Im not really sure why. I will definitely be making a stop at police headquarters, I know they wont have an answer for me....but maybe they will shock me and my rape kit will have come back early. I have an extra bag full of tshirts and sweatpants to donate to the ER, Im a little nervous to walk back into the ER.....what if the people that were working when I was first brought in were there, what if they remember me, what if I get those "looks"?
A friend is coming with me and they have never been to New Orleans before. Im excited that I get to show them all around the city and show them why I love it so much....The thought that I can do this calms me a little. I also get to take my friend to their first NFL game.....seeing a Saints game as your first game is the only way to go.
It seems like going back is the best thing to do for me mentally. I confronted my attacker, I confronted the police, I dealt with the fact that I was wronged. Now its time to face the city where it happened.....It shouldnt be that hard. I was never afraid of the city or the people in it before, and my rapist was from Phoenix so I am expecting my trip will be just like all the rest of them. Eating great food, Having some cocktails and meeting some great people.
Im not sure if I have mentioned this before. But in all my trips to New Orleans, I have made 3 great friends that I still keep in contact with today. 2 Live about 2 hours from New Orleans but when I am in town they try to make it. The other lives right on the outside of the city. I am not willing to travel somewhere and think the worst of people. If I did that, I wouldnt have met these 3 great people....or the friends that I have met in other cities.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Monday 10/18/10
I took the weekend off from writing.... if the NOPD doesnt have to work over the weekend why should I?
Really I just needed a bit of a break from everything. I got back into some normal things that I do on the weekend and did my best not to think about the rape.
Today im feeling mostly just annoyed. Im sick of having the thoughts of my rape and what may come of it always in the back of my mind. For the most part I ignore it...but the fact that I have to consciously steer my thoughts in another direction is just plain annoying. Im annoyed that when Im driving in my car alone, I start thinking about my rape. I am annoyed that while I lay in bed at night my last thoughts are about my rape and what I can be doing to fight back. - Im annoyed that I now have to take Ativan before I go to sleep to stop me from waking up violently in the middle of the night, throwing punches at nothing. I am annoyed at the lack of answers I am able to get until this DNA evidence comes back-
Fact, this "man" threw the condom he used in a cup of alcohol- I am not expecting the lab to find any DNA evidence on this Piece of shit- Im still coming after him though....he will pay for what he did, in one way or another. - I am annoyed that I let this "man" consume most of my thoughts. I am annoyed that I really dont think DNA evidence will come back in my favor on him......I honestly think he has done this before, and he had plenty of time to clean up- I am annoyed that I have to wait for this stupid DNA test to come back before I get any sort of information This process is the most ridiculous process I have ever heard of. Eventually I will learn the name of this "man" that raped me, So why cant I know now?
Detective #3 called me......yes, i hope you brought a change of underwear after reading that.....the police dept actually called me.- The Detective.....which i find out is a LT. Detective ....whatever anyway, told me that My Kit was starting to get looked at that day.....So it took almost and entire month to even get someone to look at my rape kit.....unacceptable. I know there are rape kits just sitting on shelves right now, and some program needs to be put in place to get them looked at, but for newer rape cases , it should not take one month to have the lab get their first look at it. If we are going to have a change in processing rape kits in this county , the new cases cannot be put behind the old, and a new program needs to be in place to take care of the new kits in a quick manner, while also getting the older cases processed.
Our country gives the right to people for a speedy trial........if it takes a month just for someone to take a look at a new kit.....victims are not getting their right. How did this even happen?? A backlog of rape kits when it is our right to have a speedy trial. I have spoken with a woman who is now just getting her trial started.......8 years after she originally reported her rape. How did our country get this bad? 8 years is not a speedy trial, 8 years is unacceptable, 8 years is emotional harassment at the hands of our government
I will be in New Orleans every month, showing up at both the police dept and the DA's office. I dont care if people think that will be pointless. These people need to know I am not going anywhere. That I , as a victim have rights and I will force them to do their jobs.
I am packed and ready to go to New Orleans in a few days, these offices should be expecting me, these office will know that I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure this "man" gets some sort of punishment and that I am taking steps to ensure that New Orleans stops under reporting their rape calls as 21- I am becoming involved in a fight that is long overdue. Our country needs to re-evaluate how they treat rape victims and how their cases are handled.
See you soon New Orleans
I would also like to add that people in Ireland and Australia have now begun to read this blog- This issue is clearly an issue that needs attention and I thank those of you that are listening
Really I just needed a bit of a break from everything. I got back into some normal things that I do on the weekend and did my best not to think about the rape.
Today im feeling mostly just annoyed. Im sick of having the thoughts of my rape and what may come of it always in the back of my mind. For the most part I ignore it...but the fact that I have to consciously steer my thoughts in another direction is just plain annoying. Im annoyed that when Im driving in my car alone, I start thinking about my rape. I am annoyed that while I lay in bed at night my last thoughts are about my rape and what I can be doing to fight back. - Im annoyed that I now have to take Ativan before I go to sleep to stop me from waking up violently in the middle of the night, throwing punches at nothing. I am annoyed at the lack of answers I am able to get until this DNA evidence comes back-
Fact, this "man" threw the condom he used in a cup of alcohol- I am not expecting the lab to find any DNA evidence on this Piece of shit- Im still coming after him though....he will pay for what he did, in one way or another. - I am annoyed that I let this "man" consume most of my thoughts. I am annoyed that I really dont think DNA evidence will come back in my favor on him......I honestly think he has done this before, and he had plenty of time to clean up- I am annoyed that I have to wait for this stupid DNA test to come back before I get any sort of information This process is the most ridiculous process I have ever heard of. Eventually I will learn the name of this "man" that raped me, So why cant I know now?
Detective #3 called me......yes, i hope you brought a change of underwear after reading that.....the police dept actually called me.- The Detective.....which i find out is a LT. Detective ....whatever anyway, told me that My Kit was starting to get looked at that day.....So it took almost and entire month to even get someone to look at my rape kit.....unacceptable. I know there are rape kits just sitting on shelves right now, and some program needs to be put in place to get them looked at, but for newer rape cases , it should not take one month to have the lab get their first look at it. If we are going to have a change in processing rape kits in this county , the new cases cannot be put behind the old, and a new program needs to be in place to take care of the new kits in a quick manner, while also getting the older cases processed.
Our country gives the right to people for a speedy trial........if it takes a month just for someone to take a look at a new kit.....victims are not getting their right. How did this even happen?? A backlog of rape kits when it is our right to have a speedy trial. I have spoken with a woman who is now just getting her trial started.......8 years after she originally reported her rape. How did our country get this bad? 8 years is not a speedy trial, 8 years is unacceptable, 8 years is emotional harassment at the hands of our government
I will be in New Orleans every month, showing up at both the police dept and the DA's office. I dont care if people think that will be pointless. These people need to know I am not going anywhere. That I , as a victim have rights and I will force them to do their jobs.
I am packed and ready to go to New Orleans in a few days, these offices should be expecting me, these office will know that I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure this "man" gets some sort of punishment and that I am taking steps to ensure that New Orleans stops under reporting their rape calls as 21- I am becoming involved in a fight that is long overdue. Our country needs to re-evaluate how they treat rape victims and how their cases are handled.
See you soon New Orleans
I would also like to add that people in Ireland and Australia have now begun to read this blog- This issue is clearly an issue that needs attention and I thank those of you that are listening
Friday, October 15, 2010
Life doesnt stop
Its Friday, the week actually went by fast-
Remembered to pay bills again.....life doesnt stop because some asshole thought he could violate you
or because some police department assumed you were lying when you reported it.
Life goes on....I go on......and I found out im stronger than I ever knew.
Life doesnt stop for me, my rapist or the police department involved.......i guess this works in my favor
Life doesnt stop......giving me plenty of time to build my case that I have been given so little information on
...giving me time to research
....giving me time to help others
....giving me time to remind the department every day that I will not go away, I will not accept no for an answer
....giving me time to sit back and laugh at my rapists stupidly ridiculous hair.....literally, that is the only thing I remember about him right now....so yes rapist....I can laugh at you.....I can laugh at your hair, I can laugh that you are so pathetic that you had to rape a sleeping woman to get sex, I can laugh because one way or another you will not get away with this, I can laugh because you are one of the worst human beings I have ever met in my life and I actually pity you. I can laugh because life goes on and I can now focus on making your life miserable. I can laugh.....because I have a sense of humor and can make fun of just about anything, and you didnt take that from me, you actually didnt take anything from me.....but your still a piece of shit.
The upside is actually that life doesnt stop...everything goes on.....and tonight, I am getting back to my life. Heading to the hockey game tonight....leaving the house to be with friends and go to games I love.
Remembered to pay bills again.....life doesnt stop because some asshole thought he could violate you
or because some police department assumed you were lying when you reported it.
Life goes on....I go on......and I found out im stronger than I ever knew.
Life doesnt stop for me, my rapist or the police department involved.......i guess this works in my favor
Life doesnt stop......giving me plenty of time to build my case that I have been given so little information on
...giving me time to research
....giving me time to help others
....giving me time to remind the department every day that I will not go away, I will not accept no for an answer
....giving me time to sit back and laugh at my rapists stupidly ridiculous hair.....literally, that is the only thing I remember about him right now....so yes rapist....I can laugh at you.....I can laugh at your hair, I can laugh that you are so pathetic that you had to rape a sleeping woman to get sex, I can laugh because one way or another you will not get away with this, I can laugh because you are one of the worst human beings I have ever met in my life and I actually pity you. I can laugh because life goes on and I can now focus on making your life miserable. I can laugh.....because I have a sense of humor and can make fun of just about anything, and you didnt take that from me, you actually didnt take anything from me.....but your still a piece of shit.
The upside is actually that life doesnt stop...everything goes on.....and tonight, I am getting back to my life. Heading to the hockey game tonight....leaving the house to be with friends and go to games I love.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thank You!
A huge thank you to the person that posted a comment to my blog directing me to NOLA.com today.
There was an article posted this morning regarding rape being reported as a "21" miscellaneous incident or noncriminal complaint. This article states that the NOPD has been under reporting rape since at least 2008 and classifying most under this "21" code...... very coincidental that I chose to post about my 21 yesterday, but hell....it just solidifies my point
The article encourages victims from previous years that feel their case was handled improperly to contact the dapartment and their investigation will be re-opened.
I also encourage these victims to come forward.....but I also caution them. While the department had been overhauled in June of this year, I still had to deal with being reported as a 21 and treated by most that I encountered that I was at fault.
The people in charge now may be better than in previous years.....but the department is a far cry from where it needs to be......do not expect to be involved in much of the investigation as I have asked question after question,day after day and still get no answers.
Under reporting rape is not confined to New Orleans.....it is a nation wide issue that people need to be held accountable for. This issue must be confronted and change needs to be made. Speak up....its the way things get started.
Please contact the department if you are one of these victims and dont take no for an answer. Dont expect all sunshine and rainbows because your case is getting looked into again. The process is extremely long and emotionally draining.....but stand up for yourself, know that you are not alone, and there are people willing to stand by your side every step of the way......I will personally fly back down to New Orleans upon the request of anyone that feels they need support.
I am not letting my rape case get pushed to the side, I am not sitting around hoping for the best. I am educating myself on what I can do, how I can help and what I need to expect from all of this. Please become active, while you shouldnt have to prove your case, its the unfortunate reality of society today.
Take a stand and fight back- New Orleans has already taken steps to resolve this issue....maybe the rest of the country will start to pay attention.
There was an article posted this morning regarding rape being reported as a "21" miscellaneous incident or noncriminal complaint. This article states that the NOPD has been under reporting rape since at least 2008 and classifying most under this "21" code...... very coincidental that I chose to post about my 21 yesterday, but hell....it just solidifies my point
The article encourages victims from previous years that feel their case was handled improperly to contact the dapartment and their investigation will be re-opened.
I also encourage these victims to come forward.....but I also caution them. While the department had been overhauled in June of this year, I still had to deal with being reported as a 21 and treated by most that I encountered that I was at fault.
The people in charge now may be better than in previous years.....but the department is a far cry from where it needs to be......do not expect to be involved in much of the investigation as I have asked question after question,day after day and still get no answers.
Under reporting rape is not confined to New Orleans.....it is a nation wide issue that people need to be held accountable for. This issue must be confronted and change needs to be made. Speak up....its the way things get started.
Please contact the department if you are one of these victims and dont take no for an answer. Dont expect all sunshine and rainbows because your case is getting looked into again. The process is extremely long and emotionally draining.....but stand up for yourself, know that you are not alone, and there are people willing to stand by your side every step of the way......I will personally fly back down to New Orleans upon the request of anyone that feels they need support.
I am not letting my rape case get pushed to the side, I am not sitting around hoping for the best. I am educating myself on what I can do, how I can help and what I need to expect from all of this. Please become active, while you shouldnt have to prove your case, its the unfortunate reality of society today.
Take a stand and fight back- New Orleans has already taken steps to resolve this issue....maybe the rest of the country will start to pay attention.
Dreams
I havent been able to sleep for the past 4 days now. The first couple nights I was having crazy dreams and waking up 4 or 5 times a night. The past 2 nights it has been crazy different
I wake up about 10 times a night and each time is violent- I cant remember dreaming, but I wake up with a entire body twitch if that makes sense..... once I woke up and I was mid right hook. But I cant remember what or if I was dreaming.........Ive been exhausted
Finally around 3 this morning I had gotten so fed up with waking up this way I took an Ativan- it helped., I slept from 3 to 8 without a problem. My anxiety is creeping into my dreams I guess....I am just hoping this isnt a permanent thing
I wake up about 10 times a night and each time is violent- I cant remember dreaming, but I wake up with a entire body twitch if that makes sense..... once I woke up and I was mid right hook. But I cant remember what or if I was dreaming.........Ive been exhausted
Finally around 3 this morning I had gotten so fed up with waking up this way I took an Ativan- it helped., I slept from 3 to 8 without a problem. My anxiety is creeping into my dreams I guess....I am just hoping this isnt a permanent thing
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
$25 can get me some useless information
So for a victim to get information regarding the crime committed against them they have to pay $25 for a police report that is supposed to be "public information" - for the first 10 pages...after that its $1 each additional page. I get raped....and now I have to pay to get information?!?!?!?! Are you serious???
I reported a crime....why am I not allowed to be involved in any of the investigation.....sure i would pay the stupid $25 bucks for "public information" but thats not going to give me the detail I want- \
for all i know this "public information" that is available states that a MISCELLANEOUS INCIDENT was reported...or in NOPD code a "21" complaint was made......thats right...... I heard my complaint referred to as a "21" aka a crime reported but no one believes you and is not to be taken very seriously
How about calling it like it is......how about a code "43"- i didnt call the police department and tell them I would like to file a MISCELLANEOUS COMPLAINT- my call to 911 was to report RAPE
Yes i researched this. Yes i was appalled when I realized what a 21 was and yes I am pissed off.
Didnt really think I had much feeling left in me.....apparently anger is there, and apparently anger fuels me and pushes me to keep going......thank you NOPD for giving me even more of a reason to fight
I reported a crime....why am I not allowed to be involved in any of the investigation.....sure i would pay the stupid $25 bucks for "public information" but thats not going to give me the detail I want- \
for all i know this "public information" that is available states that a MISCELLANEOUS INCIDENT was reported...or in NOPD code a "21" complaint was made......thats right...... I heard my complaint referred to as a "21" aka a crime reported but no one believes you and is not to be taken very seriously
How about calling it like it is......how about a code "43"- i didnt call the police department and tell them I would like to file a MISCELLANEOUS COMPLAINT- my call to 911 was to report RAPE
Yes i researched this. Yes i was appalled when I realized what a 21 was and yes I am pissed off.
Didnt really think I had much feeling left in me.....apparently anger is there, and apparently anger fuels me and pushes me to keep going......thank you NOPD for giving me even more of a reason to fight
1:20 Wed 10/13/10
called and left messages earlier for Detective #3 and the crime counselor.
Both have returned my call
Detective #3 at least sounded a little more empathetic this time- asked how I was doing, told me they call and check on my kit every 3 days- assures me its not sitting on a shelf-
Detective #3 also asked if I had any other questions....at least they seem more considerate now too.
Crime counselor also called back although I already knew the answer from the Detective-
I did ask about my rights as a victim though- to me, as a victim I should be able to know every aspect of the investigation that has gone on until this point-
I should be informed of what my rapist and his buddies claimed happened, I should be informed of any evidence the police department has documented. I need to know this information but I get told nothing.
The crime counselor says this is more a question for the police department, I thought it was more a question of legality- from a legal standpoint, do I have grounds to be fully informed or do I have to wait until the kit is back and charges are formally brought against my rapist
Having no answers, then calling people trying to get them and being told there are none just gives me that pit in my chest- i just want to give up and stop putting myself through this daily up and down. The constant checking of my phone .....not being able to even go to the bathroom without bringing my phone with me in case some new information does magically come to light and someone actually calls me.
This whole process needs to change
Both have returned my call
Detective #3 at least sounded a little more empathetic this time- asked how I was doing, told me they call and check on my kit every 3 days- assures me its not sitting on a shelf-
Detective #3 also asked if I had any other questions....at least they seem more considerate now too.
Crime counselor also called back although I already knew the answer from the Detective-
I did ask about my rights as a victim though- to me, as a victim I should be able to know every aspect of the investigation that has gone on until this point-
I should be informed of what my rapist and his buddies claimed happened, I should be informed of any evidence the police department has documented. I need to know this information but I get told nothing.
The crime counselor says this is more a question for the police department, I thought it was more a question of legality- from a legal standpoint, do I have grounds to be fully informed or do I have to wait until the kit is back and charges are formally brought against my rapist
Having no answers, then calling people trying to get them and being told there are none just gives me that pit in my chest- i just want to give up and stop putting myself through this daily up and down. The constant checking of my phone .....not being able to even go to the bathroom without bringing my phone with me in case some new information does magically come to light and someone actually calls me.
This whole process needs to change
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Giving Back
Luckily I had a seminar this afternoon.....i was able to calm myself and focus on learning some pretty interesting stuff. I am calm, still a little edgy but nothing like before
I'd like to ask anyone that reads this to do a favor...... Go through all your old t-shirts and sweat pants that are just sitting around....the ones you've been holding onto for years swearing you will one day wear again.
Donate them.
Take them to an emergency department- tell them you would like to donate for the victims of rape and domestic violence.
One thing that sticks with me most about this whole ordeal is that the thought never crossed my mind that I would have to leave my clothing behind at the hospital. Its just not something you think about.
But women or men that are victimized and report the crime, most often have to leave their clothing behind as evidence....which leads to the next thought that most hospitals probably have almost nothing to give victims to wear on their way home. There is no funding that I am aware of that provides clothing for these victims....hospitals are most likely given these clothes few and far between from random donations.
Please help give comfort to those whom are more than likely in desperate need of compassion in what is most likely the worst moment in their lives, dont make them ride home in a hospital gown.
I'd like to ask anyone that reads this to do a favor...... Go through all your old t-shirts and sweat pants that are just sitting around....the ones you've been holding onto for years swearing you will one day wear again.
Donate them.
Take them to an emergency department- tell them you would like to donate for the victims of rape and domestic violence.
One thing that sticks with me most about this whole ordeal is that the thought never crossed my mind that I would have to leave my clothing behind at the hospital. Its just not something you think about.
But women or men that are victimized and report the crime, most often have to leave their clothing behind as evidence....which leads to the next thought that most hospitals probably have almost nothing to give victims to wear on their way home. There is no funding that I am aware of that provides clothing for these victims....hospitals are most likely given these clothes few and far between from random donations.
Please help give comfort to those whom are more than likely in desperate need of compassion in what is most likely the worst moment in their lives, dont make them ride home in a hospital gown.
10:30 AM Tues 10/12/10
Having a random panic attack that came out of absolutely no where. I was having a great morning joking around with my best friend. All of a sudden my thoughts are all over the place and that pit in my chest is back. WTF......i cant concentrate on anything right now, my hands are shaking.....
I havent panicked in almost a week....why now?
What if they dont charge him, what do I do? He raped me...am I really going to be ok if they dont prosecute....what can I do? Whats my next step
What if this person I am going to meet when I get to New Orleans doesnt have good news for me. What if they say there is nothing else I can do-
Thank goodness a work distraction just came up
its :1053- That didnt help, made things worse for a bit. I was able to calm myself a bit. My hands wont stop shaking though. Now im just down....i feel sluggish and heavy....had to close the office door because im scared im going to ball my eyes out any minute, i hope i can hold it back .....im not a crier
I can see his face again....brings a sick feeling to my stomach....if i cant make it go away im pretty sure im going to vomit. Why is this memory coming back now.....i was doing fine not being able to remember any of it. I feel so sick right now. Anyone know any tricks on how to get something out of your mind?? I really dont want to vomit right now but its quickly heading in that direction
Congratulations to my rapist- you have the ability to make a woman physically ill at both the thought and sight of you....quite and accomplishment- not only do you physically violate women, but attack their mental state as well....you are the true definition of a man......fucking piece of shit
11:54 AM- I got my mind to calm down a bit....cant stop shaking though
I havent panicked in almost a week....why now?
What if they dont charge him, what do I do? He raped me...am I really going to be ok if they dont prosecute....what can I do? Whats my next step
What if this person I am going to meet when I get to New Orleans doesnt have good news for me. What if they say there is nothing else I can do-
Thank goodness a work distraction just came up
its :1053- That didnt help, made things worse for a bit. I was able to calm myself a bit. My hands wont stop shaking though. Now im just down....i feel sluggish and heavy....had to close the office door because im scared im going to ball my eyes out any minute, i hope i can hold it back .....im not a crier
I can see his face again....brings a sick feeling to my stomach....if i cant make it go away im pretty sure im going to vomit. Why is this memory coming back now.....i was doing fine not being able to remember any of it. I feel so sick right now. Anyone know any tricks on how to get something out of your mind?? I really dont want to vomit right now but its quickly heading in that direction
Congratulations to my rapist- you have the ability to make a woman physically ill at both the thought and sight of you....quite and accomplishment- not only do you physically violate women, but attack their mental state as well....you are the true definition of a man......fucking piece of shit
11:54 AM- I got my mind to calm down a bit....cant stop shaking though
Katy Perry Is Stalking ME
Sorry everyone but this is too much of a coincidence not to comment on
Woke up this AM and turned on Jumpstart on VH1...Katy Perrys "teenage dream" was on
The first song on when I get into my car is "teenage dream"
Change station after song is over....its on again, so of course I listen because this is pretty hilarious
Change station again after song and boom....hello Katy Perry
I get to work....turn on my radio....its Bruno Mars.....but wait for it.....Katy Perry is the next song that plays and is still playing as I type this.
Well I guess its a good think I like the song.
Back to work. Gonna call the police this afternoon so they can tell me that they cant help me again
Woke up this AM and turned on Jumpstart on VH1...Katy Perrys "teenage dream" was on
The first song on when I get into my car is "teenage dream"
Change station after song is over....its on again, so of course I listen because this is pretty hilarious
Change station again after song and boom....hello Katy Perry
I get to work....turn on my radio....its Bruno Mars.....but wait for it.....Katy Perry is the next song that plays and is still playing as I type this.
Well I guess its a good think I like the song.
Back to work. Gonna call the police this afternoon so they can tell me that they cant help me again
Monday, October 11, 2010
Exhaustion
its 6:15 Monday 10/11/10- Exhaustion is setting back in. My thoughts arent crazy but in every moment in time I still think about all of this. I can be doing something but at least 3 times a minute i can catch my thoughts wandering back to thoughts of needing to do more research and thoughts of how I am going to handle everything
I am exhausted. My eyes hurt. Im on the computer every minute of the day that I am not sleeping....I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with the urge to research more. I feel like I am helpless. Every time I call about the case I get no answers, so i research...but Im not sure how applicable everything that Im researching will be to my case. What if I am wasting all of my time and energy on something the state refuses to prosecute... Is this all going to be worth it.
When I do come back to New Orleans this month, I have a meeting set up with someone I feel will be able to shed some light on what I can do and what I need to do. I am so grateful this person has agreed to give up some of their time and help someone they have never met before.
I am exhausted. My eyes hurt. Im on the computer every minute of the day that I am not sleeping....I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with the urge to research more. I feel like I am helpless. Every time I call about the case I get no answers, so i research...but Im not sure how applicable everything that Im researching will be to my case. What if I am wasting all of my time and energy on something the state refuses to prosecute... Is this all going to be worth it.
When I do come back to New Orleans this month, I have a meeting set up with someone I feel will be able to shed some light on what I can do and what I need to do. I am so grateful this person has agreed to give up some of their time and help someone they have never met before.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
My Camera
Its Sunday - 10/10 at 8:42.....its been just over 2 weeks since I was raped. This past week wasnt nearly as emotional as the first one...thank goodness....i wasnt sure how much I could handle.
So its been two weeks since I got home from my trip to New Orleans.....I hadnt had the courage to look at all of the pictures from the Thursday I met the boys. I had so much fun, and we had really only hung out with 3 fo the 6 at the house, the other 3 were out doing their thing. All we did was laugh and joke aound. I was scared to look at the camera because I really liked this guy and I was so sure he liked me back.
I had to look at these pictures, I had to know if I had taken any pictures the night of my rape that would help my case, but I didnt. I did however have plenty of very cute pictures with me and my friend. In looking at the pictures you would have thought we had been dating for a while and had real feelings for eachother. No trashy pictures, just cute, caring photographs of two people lucky enough to meet eachother. I cant help that I still have feelings for my friend, he was the most amazing man that I had met in a long time and he understood my humor.
I thought that by looking back at those pictures i would want to erase them all from my chip but I cant. I really felt something honest for my friend and I know he felt the same for me. The way he was looking at me in some of those pictures was so genuine and pure. I could see in his eyes that he had really start to care for me over a very short period of time.
Which brings the question up of does he hate me for reporting what is friend did to me? We had something that could have been amazing.
I honestly wish I could speak with him, see how he is doing and see if he hates me
Thinking about those pictures I just looked at make me sad......we had such a great time together and such strong feelings in such little time.......this stupid "man" took that away from us . Who knows what would have come out of the two of us trying to be together....
Im just rambling and now im going to go to bed.
Saints lost.....they better win when im back in town soon
****ISLAND, if you are reading this,call the newspaper,.they should have something for you :)
So its been two weeks since I got home from my trip to New Orleans.....I hadnt had the courage to look at all of the pictures from the Thursday I met the boys. I had so much fun, and we had really only hung out with 3 fo the 6 at the house, the other 3 were out doing their thing. All we did was laugh and joke aound. I was scared to look at the camera because I really liked this guy and I was so sure he liked me back.
I had to look at these pictures, I had to know if I had taken any pictures the night of my rape that would help my case, but I didnt. I did however have plenty of very cute pictures with me and my friend. In looking at the pictures you would have thought we had been dating for a while and had real feelings for eachother. No trashy pictures, just cute, caring photographs of two people lucky enough to meet eachother. I cant help that I still have feelings for my friend, he was the most amazing man that I had met in a long time and he understood my humor.
I thought that by looking back at those pictures i would want to erase them all from my chip but I cant. I really felt something honest for my friend and I know he felt the same for me. The way he was looking at me in some of those pictures was so genuine and pure. I could see in his eyes that he had really start to care for me over a very short period of time.
Which brings the question up of does he hate me for reporting what is friend did to me? We had something that could have been amazing.
I honestly wish I could speak with him, see how he is doing and see if he hates me
Thinking about those pictures I just looked at make me sad......we had such a great time together and such strong feelings in such little time.......this stupid "man" took that away from us . Who knows what would have come out of the two of us trying to be together....
Im just rambling and now im going to go to bed.
Saints lost.....they better win when im back in town soon
****ISLAND, if you are reading this,call the newspaper,.they should have something for you :)
Another Name
its 10:33 AM sunday 10/10/10- just woke up and im not sure why or how but I now remember another one of the guys names....its only a first name, but it is something- So now I know 3 of 6 full identities and 2 of 6 first names......the bachelor got lucky...... i never really spoke with him....he was a pretty weird guy to tell you the truth.
Anyway back to this guy I remembered- I feel sorry for his wife. He will be referred to as Cheater from now on. All of the Thursday night we met, Cheater would ask me why I wasnt interested in him and when I responded each time that I liked his friend.....he would actually go over and start hitting on my mother.....What a tool. My mother and I had asked back at dinner if any of them were married....we got a unanimous no. About 5 hours later I am sitting at a bar next to Cheater and he is once again asking me why I dont like him......as he is asking I noticed the ring on his finger- Are you married??? He says yes, and then it comes out that he also has a child.........I looked right at him and said "what would your wife think of you acting like this" got up and went over where my mom and 2 of the other men were.
im not sure why this is important....but it was a memory I had forgotten or just pushed to the back of my mind because I wasnt sure if it was relevant
So i have found 3 of the original 6, and have partials on 2 more.......all i have is time on my hands while i wait for the DNA results to come back
Which brings up a point that Im sure most people are unaware of. In the US there is a massive backlog of rape kits. Kits sitting on the shelf, never having been tested. Some are so old, that the DNAevidence collected is now useless because the statute of limitations has already expired. How is this possible. How is something as serious as rape sitting on a shelf somewhere in a basement with no one paying the least attention to it. This reason alone is why I will now be calling the NOPD every day.....enough trying to prove that they dont keep victims informed and dont call when they say they will. I will not let my rape kit sit on a shelf until that statute of limitations is up and lets this shithead go free.
This is a huge issue in our country, and while there have been efforts to improve, there are still thousands of backlogged Rape Kits. If you are reading this and you are a victim of rape waiting on DNA......call the police department daily, make sure you are being paid attention to. Dont let yourself get pushed into the cracks and swept under the rug. It sucks that victims have to put forth so much effort to be taken seriously, but in a flawed system this is what we must do if we want justice.
Anyway back to this guy I remembered- I feel sorry for his wife. He will be referred to as Cheater from now on. All of the Thursday night we met, Cheater would ask me why I wasnt interested in him and when I responded each time that I liked his friend.....he would actually go over and start hitting on my mother.....What a tool. My mother and I had asked back at dinner if any of them were married....we got a unanimous no. About 5 hours later I am sitting at a bar next to Cheater and he is once again asking me why I dont like him......as he is asking I noticed the ring on his finger- Are you married??? He says yes, and then it comes out that he also has a child.........I looked right at him and said "what would your wife think of you acting like this" got up and went over where my mom and 2 of the other men were.
im not sure why this is important....but it was a memory I had forgotten or just pushed to the back of my mind because I wasnt sure if it was relevant
So i have found 3 of the original 6, and have partials on 2 more.......all i have is time on my hands while i wait for the DNA results to come back
Which brings up a point that Im sure most people are unaware of. In the US there is a massive backlog of rape kits. Kits sitting on the shelf, never having been tested. Some are so old, that the DNAevidence collected is now useless because the statute of limitations has already expired. How is this possible. How is something as serious as rape sitting on a shelf somewhere in a basement with no one paying the least attention to it. This reason alone is why I will now be calling the NOPD every day.....enough trying to prove that they dont keep victims informed and dont call when they say they will. I will not let my rape kit sit on a shelf until that statute of limitations is up and lets this shithead go free.
This is a huge issue in our country, and while there have been efforts to improve, there are still thousands of backlogged Rape Kits. If you are reading this and you are a victim of rape waiting on DNA......call the police department daily, make sure you are being paid attention to. Dont let yourself get pushed into the cracks and swept under the rug. It sucks that victims have to put forth so much effort to be taken seriously, but in a flawed system this is what we must do if we want justice.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Friends of RAPISTS should be a little more careful of information they divulge
Great day today. I did nothing but sit on my ass and watch the shows that have been sitting on my DVR- while also researching everything I can.
Funny thing, I now know 3 of 6 first and last names of these men.....3 of the original 6, ya know, the ones I hung out with before my rapist flew into town.
I also know what company he works for and the exact location of the business. These men either didnt know what their friend was capable of......or they looked the other way.
One thought comes to mind.....
Is it worth it to stand by a friend that is a rapist? No doubt, just in associating yourself with that person....your name will be forever linked to what he has done.
Why is everyone so set on protecting him??? Why does a victim not have the right to know the name of their attacker........why would the attackers friend not just give it out in hopes that they will then be left alone?
I have a right to know the name of the man, who I pointed out in person, face to face as my rapist. I have been incredibly generous in regards to not revealing the names of the other parties involved. I could very easily post the 3 full names I know and where they work.....and I could also post the first name and nickname of another.
Friends of rapists....I ask again.... is it worth having your life ruined for the sake of a friend that could do something like this??
My identity will surely come out, and I am fully prepared for this. I am accusing a man of rape and while the victims names usually arent released, I am more than willing to announce my name to the world. I have nothing to hide. Maybe I should just reveal the names? There is no statute barring me from freedom of speech. No libel or slander charges can be brought against me because I am not lying. I was raped, the mens names who I would release are associated with this man, this is also not a lie. Nothing is wrong with pointing out the men that associate with a rapist.
I want a name, and if I do not get a name, I may just bring a bit more attention to my story. I just may announce these names. What harm would it do me? Big deal if they release my name.... I am prepared to deal with the consequences of that....I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide from.
If I dont get answers soon....stay tuned, I promise a release of those special men that are protecting a rapist
Funny thing, I now know 3 of 6 first and last names of these men.....3 of the original 6, ya know, the ones I hung out with before my rapist flew into town.
I also know what company he works for and the exact location of the business. These men either didnt know what their friend was capable of......or they looked the other way.
One thought comes to mind.....
Is it worth it to stand by a friend that is a rapist? No doubt, just in associating yourself with that person....your name will be forever linked to what he has done.
Why is everyone so set on protecting him??? Why does a victim not have the right to know the name of their attacker........why would the attackers friend not just give it out in hopes that they will then be left alone?
I have a right to know the name of the man, who I pointed out in person, face to face as my rapist. I have been incredibly generous in regards to not revealing the names of the other parties involved. I could very easily post the 3 full names I know and where they work.....and I could also post the first name and nickname of another.
Friends of rapists....I ask again.... is it worth having your life ruined for the sake of a friend that could do something like this??
My identity will surely come out, and I am fully prepared for this. I am accusing a man of rape and while the victims names usually arent released, I am more than willing to announce my name to the world. I have nothing to hide. Maybe I should just reveal the names? There is no statute barring me from freedom of speech. No libel or slander charges can be brought against me because I am not lying. I was raped, the mens names who I would release are associated with this man, this is also not a lie. Nothing is wrong with pointing out the men that associate with a rapist.
I want a name, and if I do not get a name, I may just bring a bit more attention to my story. I just may announce these names. What harm would it do me? Big deal if they release my name.... I am prepared to deal with the consequences of that....I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide from.
If I dont get answers soon....stay tuned, I promise a release of those special men that are protecting a rapist
Friday, October 8, 2010
Is it worth it
Its 5:13 friday 10/8/10- Im not sure how much longer I will be posting
Today was the best day I've had yet, no panic, no shaking, tons of laughter, tons of work done.
Writing this seems now as if it is just a reminder of what happened- Today, the thoughts were there, in the back of my mind..... but never really came to the front- I would be working, a small thought of what happened would come across my mind, but I was able to redirect and focus on work without trying all that hard.
Today, is the first day, that thinking I need to write is actually causing the memories/ thoughts of what is to come, to surface....
Do I continue to write in case even one victim of rape is getting comfort in knowing someone elses story? Or do I just take care of myself and do what i feel i need to do.....to write when I want to write and need to get things off my chest..... and not write when I am feeling ok and dont need the outlet
Today was the best day I've had yet, no panic, no shaking, tons of laughter, tons of work done.
Writing this seems now as if it is just a reminder of what happened- Today, the thoughts were there, in the back of my mind..... but never really came to the front- I would be working, a small thought of what happened would come across my mind, but I was able to redirect and focus on work without trying all that hard.
Today, is the first day, that thinking I need to write is actually causing the memories/ thoughts of what is to come, to surface....
Do I continue to write in case even one victim of rape is getting comfort in knowing someone elses story? Or do I just take care of myself and do what i feel i need to do.....to write when I want to write and need to get things off my chest..... and not write when I am feeling ok and dont need the outlet
Criminals Get Ready, Time to do your Thing
Just your weekly reminder.....rapists (and probably criminals in general), your chances of being arrested are significantly less starting tonight......ITS THE WEEKEND..... NOPD doesnt try as hard on the weekend. Im assuming once third shift comes on or however it works with police departments, that the city is yours for the taking......While the officers actually do their jobs and may detain you for questioning, the Detectives wont be bothered so the officers will have let you go. To all of the hard working officers of the NOPD that do their job.....I apologize that I have to refer to your department as a whole in my complaint..... You do not deserve the bad reputation your Detectives are giving you.
I got up feeling pretty good today, made it to work by 6:45 and getting ready to start my day. I am looking forward to the weekend, mainly because if I wanted to....and i just might want to, I dont have to set foot out of bed until Monday morning comes around. I made no plans. - thats a lie, I do have plans.....I have a full 48 hours to do non-stop research on every single criminal offense I can find to get this "man" with- I refuse to just go after him on one charge, Im coming at him with everything I can find..... If I can prove this "man" even Jay walked that night I will press charges- Good thing I have a laptop, that still means I dont have to get out of bed.
7:15- For the first time in days I went back to the newspapers website to see if people were still talking. Most are saying I am in this for attention because I am counting hits on my site- Not my purpose- I am pointing out hits to show that people are listening. Whether they think I deserved what I got or they feel I am right people are interested. The reason I sent tweets to celebrities was to try to draw attention to this issue, you are absolutely correct on that.....but it is not attention on me I am seeking, I am seeking attention on the issue.
Others think I need to leave the already hurting department alone- that my claim isnt true and that I am just tarnishing an already destroyed name- Also not true. To me, I was raped....go ahead, call me a nutbag or whatever term you choose. I will not back down from a fight when I know I am right.
People are entitled to their own opinions, but the fact that they choose to express them with hatred or disparaging remarks says a lot about them. I refuse to stoop that low and start ripping into these people and calling them names, because when it comes down to it, that really doesnt get you anywhere. I know the facts of this case, I know what went on, what lead up to this. They are giving opinions on something that they cant possibly fully comprehend, So while I appreciate that they are taking interest and voicing their opinion, I choose not to let it get to me. If everyone in America agreed on everything we wouldnt have the need for a judicial system.
Throughout my life I have respected the law and our judicial system. I believe that while sometimes the system gets it wrong, it works. Everything has flaws. I am counting on the system working for me. I am counting on this case getting attention and showing victims of rape that it may just be worth it to put up with all of the BS you have to go through even to just get someone to listen to you.
So bring on your negativity, bring on your name calling, bring on your attacks or whatever you want, I will not back down and I will not attack you back. My purpose is not to get in a pissing match with those of you who feel the need to prove you have a large penis. My purpose is to push for what I think is right and I will continue to do so - I challenge all those who are name calling and saying this wasnt rape , to educate yourselves on law and victims rights- Maybe you can prove me wrong- I am willing to accept that, but until I have hard proof in my hands that I have no legal recourse in this matter, I am pushing forward.
I got up feeling pretty good today, made it to work by 6:45 and getting ready to start my day. I am looking forward to the weekend, mainly because if I wanted to....and i just might want to, I dont have to set foot out of bed until Monday morning comes around. I made no plans. - thats a lie, I do have plans.....I have a full 48 hours to do non-stop research on every single criminal offense I can find to get this "man" with- I refuse to just go after him on one charge, Im coming at him with everything I can find..... If I can prove this "man" even Jay walked that night I will press charges- Good thing I have a laptop, that still means I dont have to get out of bed.
7:15- For the first time in days I went back to the newspapers website to see if people were still talking. Most are saying I am in this for attention because I am counting hits on my site- Not my purpose- I am pointing out hits to show that people are listening. Whether they think I deserved what I got or they feel I am right people are interested. The reason I sent tweets to celebrities was to try to draw attention to this issue, you are absolutely correct on that.....but it is not attention on me I am seeking, I am seeking attention on the issue.
Others think I need to leave the already hurting department alone- that my claim isnt true and that I am just tarnishing an already destroyed name- Also not true. To me, I was raped....go ahead, call me a nutbag or whatever term you choose. I will not back down from a fight when I know I am right.
People are entitled to their own opinions, but the fact that they choose to express them with hatred or disparaging remarks says a lot about them. I refuse to stoop that low and start ripping into these people and calling them names, because when it comes down to it, that really doesnt get you anywhere. I know the facts of this case, I know what went on, what lead up to this. They are giving opinions on something that they cant possibly fully comprehend, So while I appreciate that they are taking interest and voicing their opinion, I choose not to let it get to me. If everyone in America agreed on everything we wouldnt have the need for a judicial system.
Throughout my life I have respected the law and our judicial system. I believe that while sometimes the system gets it wrong, it works. Everything has flaws. I am counting on the system working for me. I am counting on this case getting attention and showing victims of rape that it may just be worth it to put up with all of the BS you have to go through even to just get someone to listen to you.
So bring on your negativity, bring on your name calling, bring on your attacks or whatever you want, I will not back down and I will not attack you back. My purpose is not to get in a pissing match with those of you who feel the need to prove you have a large penis. My purpose is to push for what I think is right and I will continue to do so - I challenge all those who are name calling and saying this wasnt rape , to educate yourselves on law and victims rights- Maybe you can prove me wrong- I am willing to accept that, but until I have hard proof in my hands that I have no legal recourse in this matter, I am pushing forward.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
9:37 Thursday 10/7/10
Writing this blog used to be therapeutic....now, slowing is seems more like it is just becoming a reminder. I wrote to cope. I wrote because i had to do something....i had to tell my story......now I write as an after thought. Not because i feel the compulsion to write, not anymore.. Now I write to let victims of rape know that they are not alone, and that everything they are feeling is normal.....no 2 people will react in the exact same way to a situation like this.....but I hope this blog gives other rape victims a sense of comfort that they can get through, that their head spinning and over crowded with thoughts wont always be that way.
Goodnite
Goodnite
2:46 Thursday- Stir crazy
I guess to much time to yourself can make you go a little crazy- started to have a bit of a panic attack- opened the office door- fresh air and fresh conversation....hopefully it calms me-
no word from police yet.
3:22- What the hell did I think about before all of this happened to me??....funny how you dont really think about your thoughts until something happens that consumes your them (does that make sense??) Seems to me all I can think about is how i am going to handle what happened to me....I cant remember actually thinking about and processing every thought of every moment of every day before all of this.
no word from police yet.
3:22- What the hell did I think about before all of this happened to me??....funny how you dont really think about your thoughts until something happens that consumes your them (does that make sense??) Seems to me all I can think about is how i am going to handle what happened to me....I cant remember actually thinking about and processing every thought of every moment of every day before all of this.
11:35 Thursday 10/7/10
Im in my office, alone with the door closed. Im not feeling depressed, Im not really feeling anything. I just don't feel like talking to people....I feel bad about that, I love the little conversations that randomly occur when people stop by my door. For some reason, I just dont feel like pretending im ok today, I dont want to have to put a smile on my face and converse with people as if nothing has happened to me. In thinking about it, I think that pretending I am ok and being able to put that smile on my face and carry on conversation as usual is actually helping me get through this. But at the end of the day, its exhausting. No one here really knows what happened and I think I am doing a pretty good job of acting as I used to.
People are noticing I've lost a few pounds- one woman even asked what my secret was- sent a shiver through my body- I just smiled and said I have no idea, Im not doing anything different. Last week her comment would have sent me into a panic with my thoughts racing....not this week.
Today, I am actually ok with being alone with my thoughts. Im not really thinking about what happened though. Im just getting work done, occasionally wondering whats happening with my case, but brushing it off and not letting my thoughts get to me.
The days are long. I am always watching the clock, wondering what time is it and am I going to get a phone call from the police today.
I am calm, not panicked. Itching is mostly gone, last night of meds is tonight so we will see, if it comes back I am going to have to go for STD testing. I will have to see the look of pity on another nurses face as I tell them the reason why I am requesting testing....not looking forward to it.
People are noticing I've lost a few pounds- one woman even asked what my secret was- sent a shiver through my body- I just smiled and said I have no idea, Im not doing anything different. Last week her comment would have sent me into a panic with my thoughts racing....not this week.
Today, I am actually ok with being alone with my thoughts. Im not really thinking about what happened though. Im just getting work done, occasionally wondering whats happening with my case, but brushing it off and not letting my thoughts get to me.
The days are long. I am always watching the clock, wondering what time is it and am I going to get a phone call from the police today.
I am calm, not panicked. Itching is mostly gone, last night of meds is tonight so we will see, if it comes back I am going to have to go for STD testing. I will have to see the look of pity on another nurses face as I tell them the reason why I am requesting testing....not looking forward to it.
Thursday 10/7/10
Not really much to say today.....wishing these bruises would go away...its been almost 2 weeks and every time I look down I see that stupid bruise on my left forearm.
I dont think about what happened all that much. Yesterday was the first full day I didnt have a panic attack. I honestly cant tell you if I really did forget all the details of what happened, im sure the memory is still somewhere in my head.....but I honestly dont try to remember either.
Any time a thought pops into my head about whats been happening, I focus on something else. I really dont have much emotion, I am just existing. Im here, I do my job, then I go home and go to bed. Im grateful that I have been able to maintain somewhat of my normal everyday life. I welcome work, I love it, it keeps my hands busy and helps me think about other things.
Sometimes I still see that man's stupid hair in my head. I think I can still see it in my mind, because I tend to focus on things I find funny and make jokes about them. Some people deal with things by crying, i deal with things by finding things to make fun of.
I am excited for my trip back down to New Orleans, I gave myself a few days to relax and a few days to get down to business. My friend that is coming with me has never been to the city...I cant wait to show them all around, show them everything I love about the city. By the time I get down to the city, the DNA results should be back, and if they aren't I plan to set my foot back into the ring..
Right now I am researching everything, Louisiana Law, statistics that are available to the public, any reports that are public information...basically anything I can get my hands on. Being informed is a persons best weapon. If you plan on forming an argument you better be able to back yourself up from multiple sources.
If no arrest is made, I will be in the DA's office arguing everything I have come up with, this "man" will be hit with criminal charges, I can assure you of this. And if an arrest is made, I am going to make sure he gets hit with any criminal charge possible that applies to this case. I will hire my own lawyer if need be, but this "man" will not get away with what he did to me.
I dont think about what happened all that much. Yesterday was the first full day I didnt have a panic attack. I honestly cant tell you if I really did forget all the details of what happened, im sure the memory is still somewhere in my head.....but I honestly dont try to remember either.
Any time a thought pops into my head about whats been happening, I focus on something else. I really dont have much emotion, I am just existing. Im here, I do my job, then I go home and go to bed. Im grateful that I have been able to maintain somewhat of my normal everyday life. I welcome work, I love it, it keeps my hands busy and helps me think about other things.
Sometimes I still see that man's stupid hair in my head. I think I can still see it in my mind, because I tend to focus on things I find funny and make jokes about them. Some people deal with things by crying, i deal with things by finding things to make fun of.
I am excited for my trip back down to New Orleans, I gave myself a few days to relax and a few days to get down to business. My friend that is coming with me has never been to the city...I cant wait to show them all around, show them everything I love about the city. By the time I get down to the city, the DNA results should be back, and if they aren't I plan to set my foot back into the ring..
Right now I am researching everything, Louisiana Law, statistics that are available to the public, any reports that are public information...basically anything I can get my hands on. Being informed is a persons best weapon. If you plan on forming an argument you better be able to back yourself up from multiple sources.
If no arrest is made, I will be in the DA's office arguing everything I have come up with, this "man" will be hit with criminal charges, I can assure you of this. And if an arrest is made, I am going to make sure he gets hit with any criminal charge possible that applies to this case. I will hire my own lawyer if need be, but this "man" will not get away with what he did to me.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
12:02 PM 10/6/10
So I am feeling ok....back to feeling annoyed mostly. Decided to call Detective #3 on his cell phone to find out if there is any update.
He hit the ignore button and my call goes to voice mail...... you can always tell when someone hits the ignore button by the way...just and FYI for those who didnt know that.
I will give him the benefit of the doubt and hope he is working a case.... but im pretty sure he's just dodging my call seeing how I havent heard from them in a week.
Detective #3....If you are reading this.....I have booked my trip back to your city....I am not divulging specifics but it is this month...as in October 2010 .....and I also gave my self a few weekdays in this trip....because I know that you dont like to do your job on the weekend. If I dont have an answer by the time I get down there, you can expect the strong, take no bullshit woman you first encountered.
I may be feeling helpless and depressed now but I still have fight in me. Im feeling stronger just thinking about getting down there and you having no answers....my reaction to what happened was a surprise to me, definitely unpredictable and unplanned. All I have now is time to plan.
12:38- Detective #3 returned my call- nothing new. I find it funny, I always ask the detective how theyare doing and never do I get a "how are you" in return. I always found that asking how someone is, is a polite way to begin a conversation.....most people don't really care how the person is, but its etiquette. This detective just doesn't care and clearly doesnt feel the need for pleasantries.... I guess that could be a good quality in a person. At least this detective always comes across as not caring...consistency.
He hit the ignore button and my call goes to voice mail...... you can always tell when someone hits the ignore button by the way...just and FYI for those who didnt know that.
I will give him the benefit of the doubt and hope he is working a case.... but im pretty sure he's just dodging my call seeing how I havent heard from them in a week.
Detective #3....If you are reading this.....I have booked my trip back to your city....I am not divulging specifics but it is this month...as in October 2010 .....and I also gave my self a few weekdays in this trip....because I know that you dont like to do your job on the weekend. If I dont have an answer by the time I get down there, you can expect the strong, take no bullshit woman you first encountered.
I may be feeling helpless and depressed now but I still have fight in me. Im feeling stronger just thinking about getting down there and you having no answers....my reaction to what happened was a surprise to me, definitely unpredictable and unplanned. All I have now is time to plan.
12:38- Detective #3 returned my call- nothing new. I find it funny, I always ask the detective how theyare doing and never do I get a "how are you" in return. I always found that asking how someone is, is a polite way to begin a conversation.....most people don't really care how the person is, but its etiquette. This detective just doesn't care and clearly doesnt feel the need for pleasantries.... I guess that could be a good quality in a person. At least this detective always comes across as not caring...consistency.
Wed 10/6/10 8:49 AM
I woke up from when I went to bed at 4:30 Yesterday....probably around 9PM- turned the tv on...and I am so glad I did. I finally laughed. Tosh.0 was on in marathon form......I couldnt stop laughing. He's hilarious. Im actually tired this morning, but not for the usual reasons......i just couldnt turn the tv off it felt to good to consistently laugh for a few hours.
My caseworker for the hospital checked in with me. Definitely nice to hear from. Im not sure if it is their job to check in every once in a while or not, but I think this caseworker does it because they genuinely care. Great person, and anyone that knows them is very lucky. A huge thank you to this hospital caseworker, you make a difference.
Time to start my day at work. I can concentrate, I am focused....lets see how long this lasts
869 hits in the US- thanks to those who care, gives me a little boost
My caseworker for the hospital checked in with me. Definitely nice to hear from. Im not sure if it is their job to check in every once in a while or not, but I think this caseworker does it because they genuinely care. Great person, and anyone that knows them is very lucky. A huge thank you to this hospital caseworker, you make a difference.
Time to start my day at work. I can concentrate, I am focused....lets see how long this lasts
869 hits in the US- thanks to those who care, gives me a little boost
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
4:34 PM 10/5/10
the counselor returned my call right after my last post.....still no arrest
No word from police
feeling worthless
going to sleep.....maybe i will post later
738 hits US
No word from police
feeling worthless
going to sleep.....maybe i will post later
738 hits US
11:47 10/5/10
Still doing really well, Its last day of quarter end so there is plenty of work to keep me busy. Havent thought much about it today...no panic attacks.... I think with the huge workload and my "moment" this morning I am able to stay calm and distracted....still no call from police......anyone surprised at this??
I did have time to research more laws and old cases.....I guess thats all I can do now, study legal precedent and come strong with a case. I know I was raped, I know its on me to prove it.....good thing I love research...
It's 1:08- I was doing fine, and mentally I feel ok.....but the shaking in my hands is back. Strange feeling....starting to get really tired, starting not to care again. Called the counselor, left a message
No word from police
Its 1:24- Overwhelming feeling of sadness...I feel like balling my eyes out....still shaking....feeling nauseous...WTF.... out of nowhere
1:54- I just broke down and started crying for no reason at all...my best friend had to close the door so I could ball my eyes out- back to the ativan i guess... back to work. i feel beyond stupid - no phone calls yet
I did have time to research more laws and old cases.....I guess thats all I can do now, study legal precedent and come strong with a case. I know I was raped, I know its on me to prove it.....good thing I love research...
It's 1:08- I was doing fine, and mentally I feel ok.....but the shaking in my hands is back. Strange feeling....starting to get really tired, starting not to care again. Called the counselor, left a message
No word from police
Its 1:24- Overwhelming feeling of sadness...I feel like balling my eyes out....still shaking....feeling nauseous...WTF.... out of nowhere
1:54- I just broke down and started crying for no reason at all...my best friend had to close the door so I could ball my eyes out- back to the ativan i guess... back to work. i feel beyond stupid - no phone calls yet
7 AM Tues 10/5/10
Woke up depressed as all shit...but at least I got out of bed, made it to work by 7.
I should feel lucky....I have 2 amazing friends that were willing to drop everything and come with me in the very near future to New Orleans.....
Driving to work is depressing....its still raining, its been raining for days....if i wanted to live in the rain I'd move to Seattle.
How am I you ask now??? I am excited...literally shaking from excitement...pretty much like this past Saturday.
Have you ever seen the show "Scrubs"? How about the episode with the "Epiphany Toilet?" Basically in this episode one of the doctors places a toilet on the roof of a hospital...and everyone that goes up there and sits on it has an epiphany.........In my drive into work this morning ....my car was my toilet.....lol.... and no, I did not go to the bathroom in my car smart asses.
Something Detective Snazzy Pants said to me in the hospital popped into my head. I am not willing to reveal what this is....I do need some element of surprise in this situation. Let me just tell you.....I'd like to see this "man" get out of what I have in store for him. I've got him.
646 US, 15 UK, 9 Switzerland, 5 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
Have a fantastic day all
I should feel lucky....I have 2 amazing friends that were willing to drop everything and come with me in the very near future to New Orleans.....
Driving to work is depressing....its still raining, its been raining for days....if i wanted to live in the rain I'd move to Seattle.
How am I you ask now??? I am excited...literally shaking from excitement...pretty much like this past Saturday.
Have you ever seen the show "Scrubs"? How about the episode with the "Epiphany Toilet?" Basically in this episode one of the doctors places a toilet on the roof of a hospital...and everyone that goes up there and sits on it has an epiphany.........In my drive into work this morning ....my car was my toilet.....lol.... and no, I did not go to the bathroom in my car smart asses.
Something Detective Snazzy Pants said to me in the hospital popped into my head. I am not willing to reveal what this is....I do need some element of surprise in this situation. Let me just tell you.....I'd like to see this "man" get out of what I have in store for him. I've got him.
646 US, 15 UK, 9 Switzerland, 5 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
Have a fantastic day all
Monday, October 4, 2010
7:53 PM 10/4/10
woke up .... just booked a trip back to New Orleans.....this time they better have answers
4:00 Monday 10/4/10
Just called the caseworker, left a message- she quickly returned my call- No arrests made ...i have to keep trying back until the caseworker hears something.
Im on the verge of tears, shaking.....frustrated , annoyed.
Still no call from police...
Im on the verge of tears, shaking.....frustrated , annoyed.
Still no call from police...
1:46 PM
I took half of an ativan after my last post- I am doing better, more able to focus...hands arent shaking as bad. Stil having vaginal itching. I called the nurse at my GYN, asked if I should be seen or should I wait. The nurse tells me sometimes it does take the full 7 days of medication to clear- Call back next week if still having problems. OK- reassurance at least that this still could just be a yeast infection-
Still no call from the police, still no call from the caseworker-
512 hits in US, 15 UK (thanks for listening), 9 Switzerland, 5 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
Still no call from the police, still no call from the caseworker-
512 hits in US, 15 UK (thanks for listening), 9 Switzerland, 5 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
11:15 Monday 10/4/10
I haven't laughed once today. Not even a smile....very unusual ...normally at least one stupid thing happens that I can't help but laugh at.
I have no feeling. I catch myself just staring at nothing. Why havent the police called yet?
I know the caseworker at the DA's is usually in court in the mornings, I hope they call this afternoon. If I dont hear from the caseworker I will probably call them. WHEN i dont hear from the police, Im still debating whether to call them or not.
Katy Perrys "teenage dream" just came on.....nothing. I always laugh at that song....My thoughts seem to be in slow motion. Im not even trying to remember......I just dont care.
Up to 438 hits in the US
11:48- my heart is beating heavy....its not fast but just feels like its pounding through my chest and up into my throat. Does that make any sense? Shaking in my hands is coming and going. Im nauseous - my mind doesnt seem to care. I am just sitting here...getting through my work, randomly staring off into space.
12:40- my hands wont stop shaking....i type,retype and have to retype for the third time....still that slow heavy heartbeat- My brain doesnt care....i cant stop the shaking....i dont feel like using the energy to calm myself.
I have no feeling. I catch myself just staring at nothing. Why havent the police called yet?
I know the caseworker at the DA's is usually in court in the mornings, I hope they call this afternoon. If I dont hear from the caseworker I will probably call them. WHEN i dont hear from the police, Im still debating whether to call them or not.
Katy Perrys "teenage dream" just came on.....nothing. I always laugh at that song....My thoughts seem to be in slow motion. Im not even trying to remember......I just dont care.
Up to 438 hits in the US
11:48- my heart is beating heavy....its not fast but just feels like its pounding through my chest and up into my throat. Does that make any sense? Shaking in my hands is coming and going. Im nauseous - my mind doesnt seem to care. I am just sitting here...getting through my work, randomly staring off into space.
12:40- my hands wont stop shaking....i type,retype and have to retype for the third time....still that slow heavy heartbeat- My brain doesnt care....i cant stop the shaking....i dont feel like using the energy to calm myself.
Monday morning 10/4/10
I've told one more person about this. I knew he was a good man before all this happened, I just had no idea I would need to rely on him. Last night I was cold, numb, indifferent- He came over and just stayed with me for the night. Asked no intrusive questions didnt try for more information, just layed there with me til morning. I slept til the alarm went of at 6- he got up and went to work....I wasnt ready to. I still feel indifferent. I still dont care. I finally got out of bed at 8- off to work at 830, my best friend texts to make sure im ok, I tell her I am on my way in.
I am at work now, its quarter end and I know I will be hit with a mass of issues that i just dont give a shit about handling. If people cant do their part to help me, im not going to bend over backwards to help them like I used to . I just dont have the energy. You respect me and I will respect you, if you dont then you get no help, you get no kindness, I am fed up.
Its 8AM in New Orleans....where is my phone call????????????? I am still waiting.
Its quarter end, Im getting back to work now- 413 US, 9 Switzerland, 7 UK, 5 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
I am at work now, its quarter end and I know I will be hit with a mass of issues that i just dont give a shit about handling. If people cant do their part to help me, im not going to bend over backwards to help them like I used to . I just dont have the energy. You respect me and I will respect you, if you dont then you get no help, you get no kindness, I am fed up.
Its 8AM in New Orleans....where is my phone call????????????? I am still waiting.
Its quarter end, Im getting back to work now- 413 US, 9 Switzerland, 7 UK, 5 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
Sunday, October 3, 2010
I dont want to wake up
So its still sunday 10/3/2010- I was fine all day. I just layed down in bed and all of a sudden im in the darkest place I have ever been. My mind isnt racing though. My heart is pounding, my hands arent shaking. I just dont care anymore.....about anything...about anyone. I would be perfectly ok with it if this were my last night on earth and I didnt wake up in the morning. I just dont care. I am cold. Dont worry Im not going to kill myself....but the thought of not ever waking up again isnt such a bad thought. I will have peace.
Sunday 10/3/10
I apologize in advance.....today, I have been doing pretty well.....very calm day.....I plan to watch the Saints and clean up the house once my family leaves.
9:42- 295 hits US, 7 UK, 5 Canada, 2 Switzerland, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France- People are still listening.....thank you....
10:24- I sent a text to my friend- Yes, my friend, as in the man I had a crush on. I told him that I am not sure if they are going to try to come after him with any criminal charges in regards to what has happened. I told him I am blogging because I am losing my memory. I tell him that what is in it may be a major help to him if he has to defend himself and I give him the link to this site..... I tell him that if he needs a lawyer to be sure they read this.
If his lawyer is any good....they will be able to get something useful out of this.
11:08- I am exhausted. Today is a great day to lounge in sweats and watch football- my sister is still here. We are laying in bed together watching tv....she has no idea....my mind is calm though. I think I am just too tired to care about anything.
12:35- 319 hits US, 7UK, 5 Canada, 2 Switzerland, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
Gametime....Saints, ya had me scared. A little shaky out there today.....lets try not to cut the win so close next time.
5:24- 341 US, 7 UK, 5 Canada, 2 Switzerland, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
5:38- My family has left and I can finally put a t-shirt on....If they had seen that bruise on my left forearm they would have asked about it- Easier to cover it up-easier to hide. Im still itching a bit...using the meds a little early tonight.
6:55- I just found a flight to New Orleans for $212 .....pretty sure im going to book it..... Saints happen to have a home game over the few days the trip would be.....so even if the department still isnt doing anything, at least the trip wont be a complete waste.
It is now 7:50 PM in NY- I am completely caught up- I am very calm, very collected. I havent panicked at all today. Ive just watched the game and cleaned the house. Its just a regular sunday....with a little extra itching....but overall i am doing well.
I have no idea what to tell anyone that is reading this as to what to expect next. I have no idea if I will be calm like I am today, or if my head will be spinning like before. I have a feeling my posts from now on will only be when I am panicking and when my heart is racing...when i need to release. I will also post if I ever get a call from the department and with any updates on whats going on with the investigation...if I am ever told.
It is now 7:54- I am exhausted. I am going to bed. 374 US, 7UK,5Canada, 2 Switzerland, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
Goodnite everyone and thank you for listening.
9:42- 295 hits US, 7 UK, 5 Canada, 2 Switzerland, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France- People are still listening.....thank you....
10:24- I sent a text to my friend- Yes, my friend, as in the man I had a crush on. I told him that I am not sure if they are going to try to come after him with any criminal charges in regards to what has happened. I told him I am blogging because I am losing my memory. I tell him that what is in it may be a major help to him if he has to defend himself and I give him the link to this site..... I tell him that if he needs a lawyer to be sure they read this.
If his lawyer is any good....they will be able to get something useful out of this.
11:08- I am exhausted. Today is a great day to lounge in sweats and watch football- my sister is still here. We are laying in bed together watching tv....she has no idea....my mind is calm though. I think I am just too tired to care about anything.
12:35- 319 hits US, 7UK, 5 Canada, 2 Switzerland, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
Gametime....Saints, ya had me scared. A little shaky out there today.....lets try not to cut the win so close next time.
5:24- 341 US, 7 UK, 5 Canada, 2 Switzerland, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
5:38- My family has left and I can finally put a t-shirt on....If they had seen that bruise on my left forearm they would have asked about it- Easier to cover it up-easier to hide. Im still itching a bit...using the meds a little early tonight.
6:55- I just found a flight to New Orleans for $212 .....pretty sure im going to book it..... Saints happen to have a home game over the few days the trip would be.....so even if the department still isnt doing anything, at least the trip wont be a complete waste.
It is now 7:50 PM in NY- I am completely caught up- I am very calm, very collected. I havent panicked at all today. Ive just watched the game and cleaned the house. Its just a regular sunday....with a little extra itching....but overall i am doing well.
I have no idea what to tell anyone that is reading this as to what to expect next. I have no idea if I will be calm like I am today, or if my head will be spinning like before. I have a feeling my posts from now on will only be when I am panicking and when my heart is racing...when i need to release. I will also post if I ever get a call from the department and with any updates on whats going on with the investigation...if I am ever told.
It is now 7:54- I am exhausted. I am going to bed. 374 US, 7UK,5Canada, 2 Switzerland, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden, 1 France
Goodnite everyone and thank you for listening.
Saturday 10/2/10
I have already done a live interruption for this first part. I woke up at 4 AM....everyday....4 AM...why??? This time I couldnt be happier to have. I have this SOB on Tampering with evidence....if nothing else....i will get him for that. Does an obstruction of justice charge go along with that?? Not sure- definately will research.
I cant stop smiling- I believe in Karma....I believe this will come back to him. - 193 hits in US, 2 hits Canada, 2 hits United Kingdom.
10:27- I was able to get back to sleep until about 9:30- i've been laying in bed since trying to fall back asleep, No luck. What is up with my super crazy, vivid dreams?? Everything is out of order, everything is out of place. I wish I could say i was joking when I said that guy that plays House on tv was in my dream...what the shit is that about? 213 hits US, 6 hits United Kingdom, 4 hits Canada, 2 hits Netherlands, 2 hits Sweden. People are listening. Thank you.
Today, for the first time this happened, I am waking up with a smile on my face- no hands shaking- I am excited. At least if nothing else he gets something on his record. He is not innocent by any means, but unfortunately our justice system has been known to fail.
11:30- Went into work, Cant stop smiling- Called my best friend and told her what Ive come up with.
11:57- I cant sit still, my heart is pounding through my chest...in a good way.
No call from NOPD....afterall, it is the weekend......are you sick of hearing me point out "the weekend" portion?? Imagine being me, a victim of a crime , being told the Detective has no information for me because it is the weekend.....UNREAL
Not as itchy this morning- this is a good sign that I just have a yeast infection from all of the antibiotics.
12:36- The rush has worn off- I am now exhausted.. My body wasnt used to having that much energy and excitement I guess....soooo tired now.
1:20- Its quiet here at work. I am the only one here. Im sooo comfy in my sweat pants and music playing. I am mentally indifferent- I have no passion- I am just "blah"
Why cant everyone just wear sweatpants to work everyday? I can almost guarantee it would be a much more pleasant environment for everyone to work in. Maybe I will take a stand on that next.
2:13- 220 hits from US, 6 United Kingdom, 4 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden- time to tweet again.
3:46- I keep wondering what will transpire if I get this to trial. I still cant remember this "man's" face. I can only remember attacking him, getting dragged past my friend, wondering why he wasnt helping- boom, out onto the sidewalk. The only other memory I have is of that stupid condom wrapper on the nightstand of the bed.
4:05- 238 hits US, 6 United Kingdom, 4 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden
About to leave work....was able to get caught up on a ton of work. Was able to concentrate today.
6:57- Amazing! A man in Switzerland found me on twitter- He retweeted one of my messages for attention, then was thoughtful enough to ask my permission to post a link on his facebook page to my blog- This man, on the other side of the globe is more willing to help me that the NOPD was. I am blown away by this man. His efforts to help, his thoughtfulness of getting my consent before posting on his site, his caring about what has gone on with a woman half way around the world. Hey Switzy- have you ever thought about moving to America? You could come here and show the Detectives a thing or two.
Now its time to escape reality- I have been wanting to see "The Town" for quite a while now, I need a break anyway.
10:02- Back from the movie- Thought it was a great idea, a way to escape reality for a bit.
I made the mistake of sitting next to the wall, with 3 people to my right. The movie started at 7:30-
its now 8:33 and my heart is racing, pounding through my chest. I am panicking. I have nothing in my hands to keep them occupied- Im stuck with a wall to my left and 2 sisters and 1 friend to the right- I cant get out...If I get up to leave my mom who is behind me will know something is wrong....what am I supposed to do. Im bouncing my feet...twiddling my fingers.....I grab my phone and use it as a flashlight (thats how I know the time this is occurring) i find the bottle of Ativan....i really dont want to take it, I dont like how I feel on it....but I cant stop shaking....I take a half a pill....after a bit my nerves start to calm- I can pay attention to the movie again.
9:13- im panicking again- my thoughts are racing. Heart is beating through my chest again. Flashlight phone, its time to find the other half of the pill.....I can get through this....I can sit through a damn movie. My sisters don't know what happened- I dont want to tell them- Not yet- not ever really.
10:08- I am starting to panic again. As minuscule is this sounds....I am starting to panic because my sister is on my computer and I cant write.....i need to write...i need my outlet- Im in my room, alone, afraid that I will just explode and start screaming at her for doing absolutely nothing wrong. She has no idea writing has become my outlet....she has no idea why writing has become me outlet. I thought ativan was supposed to stop the panicking. Why am I not tired like the last time I took it. Why is my mind racing?
I guess going to see a movie that is half based on the efforts of a police agency to prove a case wasnt the best choice in movies on my part. At least im not shaking, only racing thoughts , racing heart.
I finally able get to the computer. I am able to write, I am able to calm myself.
273 hits US, 7 UK, 4 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden Time for bed
Almost to real time- thank you for listening to me. You are keeping me from losing my mind
I cant stop smiling- I believe in Karma....I believe this will come back to him. - 193 hits in US, 2 hits Canada, 2 hits United Kingdom.
10:27- I was able to get back to sleep until about 9:30- i've been laying in bed since trying to fall back asleep, No luck. What is up with my super crazy, vivid dreams?? Everything is out of order, everything is out of place. I wish I could say i was joking when I said that guy that plays House on tv was in my dream...what the shit is that about? 213 hits US, 6 hits United Kingdom, 4 hits Canada, 2 hits Netherlands, 2 hits Sweden. People are listening. Thank you.
Today, for the first time this happened, I am waking up with a smile on my face- no hands shaking- I am excited. At least if nothing else he gets something on his record. He is not innocent by any means, but unfortunately our justice system has been known to fail.
11:30- Went into work, Cant stop smiling- Called my best friend and told her what Ive come up with.
11:57- I cant sit still, my heart is pounding through my chest...in a good way.
No call from NOPD....afterall, it is the weekend......are you sick of hearing me point out "the weekend" portion?? Imagine being me, a victim of a crime , being told the Detective has no information for me because it is the weekend.....UNREAL
Not as itchy this morning- this is a good sign that I just have a yeast infection from all of the antibiotics.
12:36- The rush has worn off- I am now exhausted.. My body wasnt used to having that much energy and excitement I guess....soooo tired now.
1:20- Its quiet here at work. I am the only one here. Im sooo comfy in my sweat pants and music playing. I am mentally indifferent- I have no passion- I am just "blah"
Why cant everyone just wear sweatpants to work everyday? I can almost guarantee it would be a much more pleasant environment for everyone to work in. Maybe I will take a stand on that next.
2:13- 220 hits from US, 6 United Kingdom, 4 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden- time to tweet again.
3:46- I keep wondering what will transpire if I get this to trial. I still cant remember this "man's" face. I can only remember attacking him, getting dragged past my friend, wondering why he wasnt helping- boom, out onto the sidewalk. The only other memory I have is of that stupid condom wrapper on the nightstand of the bed.
4:05- 238 hits US, 6 United Kingdom, 4 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden
About to leave work....was able to get caught up on a ton of work. Was able to concentrate today.
6:57- Amazing! A man in Switzerland found me on twitter- He retweeted one of my messages for attention, then was thoughtful enough to ask my permission to post a link on his facebook page to my blog- This man, on the other side of the globe is more willing to help me that the NOPD was. I am blown away by this man. His efforts to help, his thoughtfulness of getting my consent before posting on his site, his caring about what has gone on with a woman half way around the world. Hey Switzy- have you ever thought about moving to America? You could come here and show the Detectives a thing or two.
Now its time to escape reality- I have been wanting to see "The Town" for quite a while now, I need a break anyway.
10:02- Back from the movie- Thought it was a great idea, a way to escape reality for a bit.
I made the mistake of sitting next to the wall, with 3 people to my right. The movie started at 7:30-
its now 8:33 and my heart is racing, pounding through my chest. I am panicking. I have nothing in my hands to keep them occupied- Im stuck with a wall to my left and 2 sisters and 1 friend to the right- I cant get out...If I get up to leave my mom who is behind me will know something is wrong....what am I supposed to do. Im bouncing my feet...twiddling my fingers.....I grab my phone and use it as a flashlight (thats how I know the time this is occurring) i find the bottle of Ativan....i really dont want to take it, I dont like how I feel on it....but I cant stop shaking....I take a half a pill....after a bit my nerves start to calm- I can pay attention to the movie again.
9:13- im panicking again- my thoughts are racing. Heart is beating through my chest again. Flashlight phone, its time to find the other half of the pill.....I can get through this....I can sit through a damn movie. My sisters don't know what happened- I dont want to tell them- Not yet- not ever really.
10:08- I am starting to panic again. As minuscule is this sounds....I am starting to panic because my sister is on my computer and I cant write.....i need to write...i need my outlet- Im in my room, alone, afraid that I will just explode and start screaming at her for doing absolutely nothing wrong. She has no idea writing has become my outlet....she has no idea why writing has become me outlet. I thought ativan was supposed to stop the panicking. Why am I not tired like the last time I took it. Why is my mind racing?
I guess going to see a movie that is half based on the efforts of a police agency to prove a case wasnt the best choice in movies on my part. At least im not shaking, only racing thoughts , racing heart.
I finally able get to the computer. I am able to write, I am able to calm myself.
273 hits US, 7 UK, 4 Canada, 2 Netherlands, 2 Sweden Time for bed
Almost to real time- thank you for listening to me. You are keeping me from losing my mind
Friday 10/1/10 continued
***Saints win!....barely....Im definitely making it back to New Orleans for another game before the end of the year.- My family has left.....Im alone, with no one around, for the first time since my attack. ****
Friday 10/1/10- 8:10- My best friend is in the office today, no deafening silence, just stupid conversations about stupid stuff that makes us laugh. Thoughts still cross my mind, but with her here, she breaks them up- She has no clue how helpful she is being just by being here, like she is every day. I haven't checked any of the websites yet.
I do however call my GYN- they dont have appointments on Friday...shit!- I tell them its urgent, I think I have a yeast infection , could they please call something into the pharmacy- They call it right in.....is it sick that part of me wishes this was an STD??? It would be absolute irrefutable evidence that I am not lying.....
9:05 AM- Its quiet, I am getting work done, but now my mind is racing- i have that strange "pit in your stomach" feeling, but it is in my chest. I am considering just giving up, just disappearing. Am I in some sort of denial that this happened to me? Why dont I cry? Could I actually just go on with life and never actually breakdown?
Maybe I was already broken. My hands aren't shaking as I write this....Do I just not care anymore? This long and drawn out process explains a lot about why women do not follow through once they have reported a rape-
Cops treatment, public opinion, burden of proof, submission to personal exams, admitting you were taken advantage of.....all deterring factors in a situation like this. What reason do you have to follow through? You can't change the past- what happened , happened. What is it going to do for me if my rapist actually gets punished- he's in jail...big deal....doesnt change what he did to me- Is the fight worth it? More people are willing to speak up with negativity than with support. I know I am not alone, but words of encouragement are few and far between. Am I really in this fight? Can I really make a difference?
10:30- At the pharmacy- have to wait- the woman next to me wont stop tapping her foot. I just want to slap her in the face. I cant help butch twitch my feet, my heart is racing-...and what is with this other lady's perfume??? Less is more!!!!! Learn this please- Finally the other woman's foot stopped- thank goodness...they called my name, I can get out of here.
11:45- I am tired, work is getting backlogged. I cant focus. I need to focus. I love my job, I cant lose it. I posted to my blog about the first part of the hospital- visitors to the page jumped from 109 to 115.....at least some people are listening.
1:00- Ugh...I am so itchy! Cant use the med until night time.....phenomenal news!
1:20- My mind is a lot more calm today...is it because my best friend is here? I am usually one to handle things on my own. Is it because with the start of my blog I have stopped obsessively checking the media websites?
With my blog, I just get to tell it how it is, no more responding to repetitive comments on my stupidity, no more people commenting without knowledge of the real story- Its 1:25 and 122 people in America have looked at my page....2 from Canada....good.....people need to know. People need to be informed.
1:32- Still waiting for the police to call.......its almost the weekend......I still here Detectives telling me that things take longer on the weekend- what a BS answer- you are a Police Department! What happened to this overhaul so many of you have been kind enough to tell me occurred recently? WTF! Now I am getting angry, i need to focus, i need to get back to work.....im still itching....Breathe
2:08 - Thought of a Detective calling ( hilarious thought that they would actually call) saying that the evidence is either inconclusive or something along those lines- sick feeling in my stomach, that pit feeling in my chest.
Will I be able to hold up if this is what happens? I was raped. What is my next step if this is what occurs? My hands are back to shaking, my thoughts are back to racing.
My best friend sees me writing in this notebook- I hide it anytime she gets up to get a book from behind me. I know she is wondering about it- Im not ready for her to see this yet- to know whats running through my mind when she is less than 5 feet away from me. When I am up to date with my posting maybe I will tell her. She already knows everything anyway- hell, shes the one that drove me to the pharmacy this morning.
She has no idea what her just being around me means- keeps me strong- holds me together- I know she will cry when she gets the chance to read this. We will surely have a "girl" moment and probably cry together and hug it out. I am not alone, and I dont need to be.
I just heard that line from Eminem's song again ....the one about meeting someone and not even knowing what hit ya- Makes me think of my friend- and seeing how I am fully disclosing everything- I still hold the opinion that this friend is a great guy and that he would have helped if he knew what was happening......or maybe I am just a terrible judge of character- Maybe he heard my screams and just didnt care- I'd like to think that any man that hears what went on that morning would have helped if they knew what was transpiring..... just because i'd like to think so, doesn't make it so.
Where is my update from the police?????
Still havent gone back to the news paper's website. I dont think I need to.
2:52- Slight pain in my LLQ, not unusual for me, but definitely gets my mind going - im itchy, no discharge...pelvic pain...
3:05-I can't see the "man's" face....at all. Happy but afraid. All I can see is his ridiculous hair- Hair! why do I remember his hair? It really looked stupid but why is that the only part I am remembering now? I dont even see that stupid smirk on his face...... I am happy
3:09- 144 hits from America, 2 from Canada -
3:17- I just changed the water cooler for the office- What happened to common courtesy and respect? I was always taught that if you finish something you should replace it. - I wasnt all that sore today, until lifting that water jug. Shoulder pain is back.
I can't imagine how women of violent rape cope- I am complaining of small bruises and muscle strains. How do you deal when you are beaten so bad that every move your body makes hurts and brings you right back to that place. I have slightly noticeable shakes- imagine the tremor-like shakes these women must have. Right now, I am pretty ashamed of myself looking at the scope of things....I got away easy.
3:23- Still no call from police- I refuse to call them now. They are proving exactly what I am trying to prove. Rape cases need to be handled better- Proof is in the silence.
3:29- I am panicking. My hands wont stop shaking, my heart is beating through my chest...breathe, just breathe. I haven't taken ativan since monday night- I don't want to- makes me tired, but it stops the shakes. Breathe, just focus on work, don't fall behind. Wishing for the usually untimely "crisis" at work that happens every friday at this time, figures it doesn't come today.
3:49- Co-worker came in- distraction- stopped shaking- calm.
3:58- Had to check the news paper site again- one last time- One very opinionated man seems to have tried to join the conversation. He seems a little to angry to not be one of the men involved in this case -
when i read the comment, the shakes came back- writing this....they stop
I am POSITIVE this man that made the post is one of them- he is quick to jump on my comments of people educating themselves on Louisiana Law before commenting- He is even kind enough to post one of the exact things I have previously posted- THE SIMPLE RAPE STATUTE-
What he seems to not understand about law is that interpretation of it is what defense and prosecution is based on. Some comments just don't deserve to be replied to. I think I have someone scared.
Reassurance from comments meant to be hurtful-- Great feeling- Nice try boys (if it is truly one of you)
If it isnt you then thank you to the this passionate man. You have unintentionally calmed me. I haven't felt this assured in quite a while. Is a thank you card appropriate in this sort of situation??
5:57- Just posted the details of the exam in the hospital- 154 hits in US, 2 hits Canada- Now I turn to twitter and announce my update and ask for attention to my cause.
6:08- No memory of what happened, not that I am trying all that hard to remember. I am exhausted. The vaginal itching is unbearable. I am not waiting anymore- I use the medication- I am laying down to take a nap before my sister gets to town anyway....thats almost like bedtime right?
9:05- My sister got here about an hour and half ago- Good laughs- I am exhausted- Don't feel like writing.
Still no call from police...again.....it is the weekend, things work slower on the weekend, ha!
9:53- Couldn't sleep- nothing on tv- I posted again- Documented the day after my attack- 167 hits in US, 2 Canada- time to tweet again
11:04- Posted the first part of Monday to blog, 169 hits US 2 Canada.
11:21- I am calm, not even thinking about that piece of crap...i think i can fall asleep now.
Up next is documentation of my saturday....Thanks to all that are listening
Friday 10/1/10- 8:10- My best friend is in the office today, no deafening silence, just stupid conversations about stupid stuff that makes us laugh. Thoughts still cross my mind, but with her here, she breaks them up- She has no clue how helpful she is being just by being here, like she is every day. I haven't checked any of the websites yet.
I do however call my GYN- they dont have appointments on Friday...shit!- I tell them its urgent, I think I have a yeast infection , could they please call something into the pharmacy- They call it right in.....is it sick that part of me wishes this was an STD??? It would be absolute irrefutable evidence that I am not lying.....
9:05 AM- Its quiet, I am getting work done, but now my mind is racing- i have that strange "pit in your stomach" feeling, but it is in my chest. I am considering just giving up, just disappearing. Am I in some sort of denial that this happened to me? Why dont I cry? Could I actually just go on with life and never actually breakdown?
Maybe I was already broken. My hands aren't shaking as I write this....Do I just not care anymore? This long and drawn out process explains a lot about why women do not follow through once they have reported a rape-
Cops treatment, public opinion, burden of proof, submission to personal exams, admitting you were taken advantage of.....all deterring factors in a situation like this. What reason do you have to follow through? You can't change the past- what happened , happened. What is it going to do for me if my rapist actually gets punished- he's in jail...big deal....doesnt change what he did to me- Is the fight worth it? More people are willing to speak up with negativity than with support. I know I am not alone, but words of encouragement are few and far between. Am I really in this fight? Can I really make a difference?
10:30- At the pharmacy- have to wait- the woman next to me wont stop tapping her foot. I just want to slap her in the face. I cant help butch twitch my feet, my heart is racing-...and what is with this other lady's perfume??? Less is more!!!!! Learn this please- Finally the other woman's foot stopped- thank goodness...they called my name, I can get out of here.
11:45- I am tired, work is getting backlogged. I cant focus. I need to focus. I love my job, I cant lose it. I posted to my blog about the first part of the hospital- visitors to the page jumped from 109 to 115.....at least some people are listening.
1:00- Ugh...I am so itchy! Cant use the med until night time.....phenomenal news!
1:20- My mind is a lot more calm today...is it because my best friend is here? I am usually one to handle things on my own. Is it because with the start of my blog I have stopped obsessively checking the media websites?
With my blog, I just get to tell it how it is, no more responding to repetitive comments on my stupidity, no more people commenting without knowledge of the real story- Its 1:25 and 122 people in America have looked at my page....2 from Canada....good.....people need to know. People need to be informed.
1:32- Still waiting for the police to call.......its almost the weekend......I still here Detectives telling me that things take longer on the weekend- what a BS answer- you are a Police Department! What happened to this overhaul so many of you have been kind enough to tell me occurred recently? WTF! Now I am getting angry, i need to focus, i need to get back to work.....im still itching....Breathe
2:08 - Thought of a Detective calling ( hilarious thought that they would actually call) saying that the evidence is either inconclusive or something along those lines- sick feeling in my stomach, that pit feeling in my chest.
Will I be able to hold up if this is what happens? I was raped. What is my next step if this is what occurs? My hands are back to shaking, my thoughts are back to racing.
My best friend sees me writing in this notebook- I hide it anytime she gets up to get a book from behind me. I know she is wondering about it- Im not ready for her to see this yet- to know whats running through my mind when she is less than 5 feet away from me. When I am up to date with my posting maybe I will tell her. She already knows everything anyway- hell, shes the one that drove me to the pharmacy this morning.
She has no idea what her just being around me means- keeps me strong- holds me together- I know she will cry when she gets the chance to read this. We will surely have a "girl" moment and probably cry together and hug it out. I am not alone, and I dont need to be.
I just heard that line from Eminem's song again ....the one about meeting someone and not even knowing what hit ya- Makes me think of my friend- and seeing how I am fully disclosing everything- I still hold the opinion that this friend is a great guy and that he would have helped if he knew what was happening......or maybe I am just a terrible judge of character- Maybe he heard my screams and just didnt care- I'd like to think that any man that hears what went on that morning would have helped if they knew what was transpiring..... just because i'd like to think so, doesn't make it so.
Where is my update from the police?????
Still havent gone back to the news paper's website. I dont think I need to.
2:52- Slight pain in my LLQ, not unusual for me, but definitely gets my mind going - im itchy, no discharge...pelvic pain...
3:05-I can't see the "man's" face....at all. Happy but afraid. All I can see is his ridiculous hair- Hair! why do I remember his hair? It really looked stupid but why is that the only part I am remembering now? I dont even see that stupid smirk on his face...... I am happy
3:09- 144 hits from America, 2 from Canada -
3:17- I just changed the water cooler for the office- What happened to common courtesy and respect? I was always taught that if you finish something you should replace it. - I wasnt all that sore today, until lifting that water jug. Shoulder pain is back.
I can't imagine how women of violent rape cope- I am complaining of small bruises and muscle strains. How do you deal when you are beaten so bad that every move your body makes hurts and brings you right back to that place. I have slightly noticeable shakes- imagine the tremor-like shakes these women must have. Right now, I am pretty ashamed of myself looking at the scope of things....I got away easy.
3:23- Still no call from police- I refuse to call them now. They are proving exactly what I am trying to prove. Rape cases need to be handled better- Proof is in the silence.
3:29- I am panicking. My hands wont stop shaking, my heart is beating through my chest...breathe, just breathe. I haven't taken ativan since monday night- I don't want to- makes me tired, but it stops the shakes. Breathe, just focus on work, don't fall behind. Wishing for the usually untimely "crisis" at work that happens every friday at this time, figures it doesn't come today.
3:49- Co-worker came in- distraction- stopped shaking- calm.
3:58- Had to check the news paper site again- one last time- One very opinionated man seems to have tried to join the conversation. He seems a little to angry to not be one of the men involved in this case -
when i read the comment, the shakes came back- writing this....they stop
I am POSITIVE this man that made the post is one of them- he is quick to jump on my comments of people educating themselves on Louisiana Law before commenting- He is even kind enough to post one of the exact things I have previously posted- THE SIMPLE RAPE STATUTE-
What he seems to not understand about law is that interpretation of it is what defense and prosecution is based on. Some comments just don't deserve to be replied to. I think I have someone scared.
Reassurance from comments meant to be hurtful-- Great feeling- Nice try boys (if it is truly one of you)
If it isnt you then thank you to the this passionate man. You have unintentionally calmed me. I haven't felt this assured in quite a while. Is a thank you card appropriate in this sort of situation??
5:57- Just posted the details of the exam in the hospital- 154 hits in US, 2 hits Canada- Now I turn to twitter and announce my update and ask for attention to my cause.
6:08- No memory of what happened, not that I am trying all that hard to remember. I am exhausted. The vaginal itching is unbearable. I am not waiting anymore- I use the medication- I am laying down to take a nap before my sister gets to town anyway....thats almost like bedtime right?
9:05- My sister got here about an hour and half ago- Good laughs- I am exhausted- Don't feel like writing.
Still no call from police...again.....it is the weekend, things work slower on the weekend, ha!
9:53- Couldn't sleep- nothing on tv- I posted again- Documented the day after my attack- 167 hits in US, 2 Canada- time to tweet again
11:04- Posted the first part of Monday to blog, 169 hits US 2 Canada.
11:21- I am calm, not even thinking about that piece of crap...i think i can fall asleep now.
Up next is documentation of my saturday....Thanks to all that are listening
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